We’ve been together 23 years and married 17 years with 3 lovely DC. From the outside, we seem to live a charmed life, but the reality is that we live like siblings (he loves to cuddle and peck on the lips/cheek). We have some fun, banter and bicker quite often (but nothing serious) and life revolves around our home, the DC and our broader families.
For the first 7 years or so, we had a fun, exciting and healthy sex life. At that point, DH got a much bigger, more stressful job and his sex drive declined significantly. For a decade or so after, I made a lot of advances, bought nice lingerie, stayed slim and groomed and got rejected nearly every time. He was always too tired and over that time we usually had sex once a week, always at his initiation and on a weekend morning (really it was just a quick fumble before busy day started). All DC were conceived first time, which was incredibly lucky!
For the past 5 years, I’ve made zero effort on that front. We’ve had sex 3 times. During that time, he tried to initiate twice more and I turned him down. He seemed to take this really personally and got offended and hasn’t asked since.
Life has been busy and bustling. We’ve shared a bed throughout all of this and cuddle every day (he initiates most of the affection). Weirdly I know he’s attractive, but I don’t find him so attractive anymore. It’s like the chemistry we had originally has fizzled out!
I assume he’s asexual or most likely quite into porn instead (I thought it may be a bit of ED on the last few times actually).
So the point of my post is that he recently asked me when I’m going to lose THE WEIGHT. I’ve put that in capitol letters, as it really was astonishing when he said it. To be clear, I’ve gained probably 3.5 stone in the past 2 years (from a size 10 to 16). I know objectively that I’m no longer beautiful, but I am still attractive (sorry if that sounds big headed). In any case, I don’t know why it makes a difference to DH. I still wear make up and nice hair etc. I’m definitely more tired from a busy career and home life, so I’m not as polished perhaps and my clothes aren’t as lovely, but really my physical appearance is fatter, but not materially changed overall.
We have no sex life and he just blamed this status on THE WEIGHT. I find it astonishing, as I was a size 10 and much more beautiful for a very long time and he showed zero physical attraction towards me back then.
It’s not ok, is it for him to make an issue about my weight?
I was rejected sexually for so long even when slim. He told me last week that he wants us to have a “physical relationship”. I was so shocked at the time that I didn’t answer. The reality is that we’re like brother and sister and have been for a long time. I get changed in the bathroom for privacy. I really cannot fathom having an intimate relationship with him again. This sounds odd, but it seems inappropriate and a bit icky.
I don’t want to split up our family. I resigned myself to the current situation a long time ago and we’ve been great co-parents so far. Luckily there’s no financial pressures if we do split up, but it would make a big difference to our DC and I love DH, he’s my best friend.
P.s. I know there’s a Sex board on here, but that seems to be full of people wanting tips etc, rather than broader issues in a relationship