to wonder at what point enough is enough

[kandykane77]

DH has had bad MH issues for a couple of years. His behaviour is sometimes fine, sometimes very hard to live with. It can be like living with two different people. I’ve taken professional advice and been told that if he were mentally stable his behaviour would be abusive but as it’s most likely caused by his MH problems it’s hard to live with but not abusive.
Last time there was a bad patch I planned to go and told him to take some responsibility or lose me. He made more of a effort with his MH and I stayed. But now he says he’s going to stop taking his tablets at the weekend. I’m terrified of what’s going to happen when he stops taking them. He’s not had any therapy or anything just tablets. So I am worried it will all go back to how it was.
Is enough enough? Am I a bitch to think about leaving someone because I can’t cope with his mental illness? We’ve been together for 12 years. He’s been ill for about 3 years.

This is the advice I would have given myself . . . Walk away before you become too involved and dependent. If you've no children with him don't plan any, just plan to leave. It's not your responsibility to care for a grown man who won't care for himself. You deserve better. and

Sounds like you’ve given it more than enough time.

Also sounds like he hasn’t done his utmost to address his health problem(s), eg no talking therapy.

MH issues don’t excuse abuse.

No. Tell him that he needs to see his doctor and unless his doctor tells him that he no longer needs the tablets, he has to stay on them. Or you're leaving.

Who was the “professional advice” from?

We have an 8 year old and after 12 years I’d say I’m pretty involved...

Loopytiles I rang a domestic abuse helpline and also a mental health helpline (think it was Mind)

Witnessing a father being abusive to their mother (medical reasons or not) is not ideal for the children. Here is another good reason to leave. They can still have a relationship with him, but managed.

Also, some people have MH issues AND are abusive.

What is the nature of the mh problem?

What impact is it having on your dc?

Did he have any reason for wanting to stop taking the tablets?

I'd be insisting he go back to the doctor, access some sort of therapy and remain on the medication. You don't have to put up with abusive behaviour even if it is a symptom of his MH. Your child shouldn't have to witness it either!

I disagree that abusive behaviour is less relevant due to mental health issues. Does he treat other people badly or just you? Is he abusive to people in the street, friends, other relatives, the postman? If its only you getting the brunt of this there's no difference from abuse

If you've children together as well as property etc then separation is hard and takes more planning but on the flip side you deserve better than a partner who is threatening not to take their meds. MH can make people behave in a way that is out of character so if you know deep down the behaviour isn't him and you've been together years I get you'll stand by him. If however the MH issue has just enhanced a problem that's already there then that's for him to manage and you are well within your rights to say enough is enough.

And like a PP said. You don't have to put up with it

Walk

I grew up with a mother with severe MH issues. My parents stayed together ‘for the kids’. I would never ever put my DCs through a childhood like mine.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip - he treats everyone unreasonably when he’s on a downer. He has alienated many friends and some family over the last couple of years.

When he’s himself I’ve no issues. He’s funny, kind, supportive and I love being with him. We were together for 8/9 lovely years before he became ill so it’s not his personality, he’s not like this it’s the MH.

Why is he planning to stop taking his tablets?
If he knows that bad mental health makes him abusive, why is not doing everything in his power to stay well and treat you decently?
Mental health is not something that people choose, but seeking appropriate treatment - or failing to do so - is a choice that people make.
I suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and get counselling for yourself if you can.
I am a firm believer of "in sickness and in health" but not if your spouse/partner is abusive. Ill health is never an excuse for abuse.

You have a child - you need to draw a line. If he's not taking responsibility for his MH then it's a choice he's making (to an extent) and you can't fix or save him.

I’ve arranged some counselling for myself starting next week when DS is back at school.

As for why he wants to stop the meds I’m not sure. He says he can’t be arsed going to see the doctor for more (I think he’s scared/anxious) and doesn’t want to be on them forever. DS is on half term at the moment which makes any adult conversation about this very difficult.
I just don’t know what to do. He’s a lovely man when he’s sane.

I think it’s more difficult because he’s been great to be with this week. He has done awful things in the past and it seems ridiculous to leave him now for things he did a few months ago.

Ridiculous to prioritise your DC and own health?

Responsible, more like.

He is NOT doing everything he can to improve his health and situation.

putting all his behaviour down to his MH is a massive assumption.

Many, many people have MH issues and don’t abuse our spouses.

But it's not months ago. It's going to happen again. Either when he isnt taking his meds, he is a massive abusive twat. Or this time he wont be, which means he was just acting like a massive abusive twat and using MH as an excuse to get away with itm

He isnt taking responsibility and managing his mental health. Which you told him he must or you would leave. He isnt doing it, so why the ultimatum if you arenw I'll to follow through on it?

By not taking his meds, he knows (while still on them and apparently being a great guy) that the impact on you and his child will be awful and likely split up his family but he is going to risk all your well being and his marriage because he cant be arsed?

I have depression and anxiety and know I am awful to live with without my meds. Not abusive, but kind of in a daze. Dont interact or speak much. Have no interest in anything, cant get out of bed. I have 2 kids and a fo who doesnt live with me, that all suffer if I dont take my meds. I dont want to go anywhere, my job suffers, i dont socialise, do the bare minimum with the kids.

I want my kids to have a good functioning parent. So I take the bloody med and make sure I go to the doctors .

Was in a very similar situation a few years ago. My advice would be leave! You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. I ended up with mh problems myself due to it.
I understand that you feel he’s great to be with when he’s great but that’s common when you are being abused.

Also re your question about being able to leave for things he has done in the past...yes you absolutely can! Two years on and I still get moments of remembering things and thinking ‘Fucksake that was abusive and I didn’t realise it at the time’

I went for counselling and also joined the freedom project while still in the relationship and both really helped me to see things for what they were.

Two years on and I am happier than I have ever been and will never put anyone’s happiness before my own again.

I'd have left long ago. You should leave him.