to wonder at what point enough is enough

[kandykane77]

DH has had bad MH issues for a couple of years. His behaviour is sometimes fine, sometimes very hard to live with. It can be like living with two different people. I’ve taken professional advice and been told that if he were mentally stable his behaviour would be abusive but as it’s most likely caused by his MH problems it’s hard to live with but not abusive.
Last time there was a bad patch I planned to go and told him to take some responsibility or lose me. He made more of a effort with his MH and I stayed. But now he says he’s going to stop taking his tablets at the weekend. I’m terrified of what’s going to happen when he stops taking them. He’s not had any therapy or anything just tablets. So I am worried it will all go back to how it was.
Is enough enough? Am I a bitch to think about leaving someone because I can’t cope with his mental illness? We’ve been together for 12 years. He’s been ill for about 3 years.

He loves him but doesn actually provide any care for him?

I bloody love my kids. I also love my nieces. In the last year I bet I have done their breakfast about 20 times I have been at their house. They want breakfast I would do it. I dont go to sil 'well you are the mum you do it'.

If he loved you or the child he would be actually providing care.

Where does all his money go?

He has a great life. Doesnt contribute too much financially. I take it he doesnt do much house work. Has a son but doesnt actually do anything with him. Has a wife that pays the bills, does all the house stuff, puts up with his shit and he can do what he wants.

He’s not usually up at breakfast time. He takes a sleeping tablet most nights and gets up about 8:30/9 when we’ve left for school.

His version of looking after DS is playing on the PS with him or sitting with headphones on while DS plays on the PS, and eating sweets with DS. Sometimes he comes on family trips out. I do all the baths, bedtimes, night wakings, wet beds, homework, playing, play dates, after school activities, school drop off and pick ups (bar a handful of pick ups). I do it gladly because I love my son and love hanging out with him :) but yeah it’s all me

He does some housework. Laundry, tidying and hoovering are shared. So is walking the dog.

Sounds like you're a single parent with an abusive lodger. You'd be better off as just a single parent.

As someone with mental health issues, coming off your medication is bonkers and shows that you have no interest in getting better or consideration for your family. Stop enabling him and prioritise yourself and your child from this man who doesn't respect or really care for either of you. If heoved either of you, he would put you first rather than his can't be arsed attitude. He's not even a partner.

Oh he manages to get himself put of bed once his family have left?

When theres no responsibility? And he actually doesnt have to do anything.

Honestly, he is taking you for a ride. He sometimes does family trips. He doesnt do anything for your child.

I sont know what else to say. You gave him an ultimatum. He then ignored it. Stopped taking his tablets and then lied and told you he would stop this weekend. He knows you issued this ultimatum.

He knows you wont leave or doesnt really care.

He will just carry on doing what he wants and I suspect you will stay. I know leaving is hard. I did it.

But it's far better than staying. It's far better for your son.

What mental health diagnosis does he have?

What has his mental health professionals said ? (Not someone on a phone who didn’t need know him)

What has his professionals said may happen should he stop taking his meds?

You are unhappy in this relationship and have been for ages. That’s enough. Honestly, going round and round in circles trying to unpick it all is hopeless.

Being miserable in your own home is a good enough reason to break up. He will be ok. You and DS will be much, much better.

He has depression and anxiety, diagnosed by the GP and the psych we saw in A&E when he was suicidal confirmed as much.
I think he would fall apart if I left he’d be devastated.

Of course he'd be devastated, he'd have to start paying his own mortgage/rent for starters.

Oh and he’s only seen the GP twice, once a couple of years ago and once six months ago. They haven’t spoken to him about coming off the meds. I was there both times.

I think you're past the point where the vague possibility that the man you fell in love with is still in there is enough to make the here and now worthwhile. It doesn't sound great even when he's on his meds so I think you're right to be worried about how he'll be off them.

I would do two things in your position. Gather all your strength and tell him, he goes back on the meds immediately or he leaves. You can back that up with the fact that it's never advised to come off MH meds suddenly and without the supervision of a GP or CPN. If he wants to come off he needs to go about it the right way.

And then I would quietly start making plans to separate. You need it all sorted in your head, a firm plan for all the practicalities so that you can make your decisions based purely on the relationship and his behaviour. Removing the obstacles will make it much easier to be clear headed and do what's best instead of feeling overwhelmed by the logistics of separating.

It doesn't have to be a final decision for now, you just need to know it's possible. I do think it's where you will (and should) end up but only you know when you've reached your limit. Come back for support as and when you need it, do you have anyone in real life to talk to?

"you're a single parent with an abusive lodger."

This is true except that most lodgers pay more than £100/month.

I have anxiety and depression.

I am a single parents and manage to feed my kids , care for them, get them to school.

What would happen to your son, if you had an accident. Ended up in hospital or worse? God forbid. Would the child just never go to school, be fed?

And it's not cause mine must be milder. Mine is horrific. So I take my meds.

I also have a partner, but dont live with him and dont treat him like shit.

How is it possible he has only seen a gp twice?

In the last 6 months, when I presume he started meds again he should have had a meds review before he got a repeat prescription.

He wouldnt be devastated.

If wanting to be with you and his son was a priority he wouldnt be stopping the meds, cold Turkey.

If he wanted to he would be seeing his GP about it. He would have told you he was stopping at the weekend when he had already stopped.

He knows he is risking you leaving. And either doesnt care or believes you wont leave anyway. He think he has you right where he wants you.

He can do and act how he wants and you will carry on paying for everything and caring for your son.

He would be devastated to lose his easy life. He would be devastated to realise he doesnt have you trapped, that he has to pay his own bills.

Sorry, but mh issues or not, he is an adult that needs to take responsibility for his own attitude and actions.

Snapandyourgone - you’re right my mistake. He’s been 3 times. Once 2 years ago he was given a repeat which he stopped taking after a few hellish months, once 6 1/2 months ago and once 6 months ago where the repeat was issued for review in 6 months ie now

It's very unusual to have such lengthy reviews when you first go back on meds.

But he could choose to make an appointment in between.

I get you will stay with him OP. But I hope it's not too long before you move on.

I don’t want to just up an go without a plan of what to do. Ideally I want somewhere else lined up first that my son and I (plus his pets) can call home.

He needs to take his meds for his mh if he’s not speaking to someone or doing cbt and everything he can to improve the situation (health, fitness and diet). If he had cancer he’d have no issue taking pills, mh and pills are no different.

Make a plan for yourself op. Having mh issues doesn’t mean he can abuse you

He needs to leave.

The plan is, you tell him it's over. His mental health is not such that he can care for the child.

He needs to leave the family home.

Yes he's the one who needs to leave.
Whose name is on the mortgage and deeds? Both?

The rental contract is in my name but he won’t leave easily so it’s simpler and less traumatic for me and DS to go. I’ve got some money saved and am trying to get a mortgage with my parents help.

He's testing your boundaries - by telling you in half term, by lying about having already stopped them, by pretending to be 'awesome' to convince you that the medication isn't necessary - it's to see whether you actually meant what you said last time.

You are perfectly reasonable in saying 'You did horrible things last time, you've not been great in the meantime, but at least you were still taking the medication. I'm not going to put myself and DC in that situation ever again and I told you that. You have to leave now.' and also contact his GP and say that he's stopped his medication abruptly, as withdrawals/discontinuation symptoms can be horrific.

He's not saying the side effects are the problem, he's not saying he wants to try something else, he's not doing anything to suggest that he wants to be well or has any insight into his condition (and I really hope he isn't bipolar or schizophrenic, as the effects of suddenly stopping can be amplified hugely for those conditions - psychosis, suicidal ideation and intent - deciding to stop could be due to not actually being sufficiently medicated, so he might have been relapsing already even when taking them).

For yourself and your DC (and probably the dog), it's fine to say right now

'I've had enough'.

His version of looking after DS is playing on the PS with him or sitting with headphones on while DS plays on the PS, and eating sweets with DS. Sometimes he comes on family trips out

So you have one DC and it sounds like a teenager in a grown man's body taking the piss. You need to get a plan in place and start thinking what kind of life you and your DC deserve, you cannot tolerate this.

Do not buy a property while still married to this man. Not in your name. I wouldnt even put any money into it

The last thing you need is during divorce, him saying he wants half the house you buy with your parents. Or that you used joint money to put into it (if it's in your parents name).