to wonder at what point enough is enough

[kandykane77]

DH has had bad MH issues for a couple of years. His behaviour is sometimes fine, sometimes very hard to live with. It can be like living with two different people. I’ve taken professional advice and been told that if he were mentally stable his behaviour would be abusive but as it’s most likely caused by his MH problems it’s hard to live with but not abusive.
Last time there was a bad patch I planned to go and told him to take some responsibility or lose me. He made more of a effort with his MH and I stayed. But now he says he’s going to stop taking his tablets at the weekend. I’m terrified of what’s going to happen when he stops taking them. He’s not had any therapy or anything just tablets. So I am worried it will all go back to how it was.
Is enough enough? Am I a bitch to think about leaving someone because I can’t cope with his mental illness? We’ve been together for 12 years. He’s been ill for about 3 years.

the minute he tries to be aggressive, call the police.

He's not aggressive. I've never been afraid of being physically hurt.

His MO is silent treatment, sulking, snapping and raising his voice, being generally difficult then declaring "I'm not stopping you doing anything, do what you want, you always do", and the odd bit of verbal abuse if he's drunk.

Verbal abuse is aggression. Snapping and raising his voice is also aggression.

Does he do that at work? Sulk, praise his voice etc?

Whilst I wouldn't have called you a mug, you are letting him walk all over you.

You run, fetch and carry for him. You pay all the Bills, all the childcare bring him food, provide his alcohol.

What word would you use?

He works from home.

What word would I use? Gutted. That the man I loved and who loved me has changed so much. That my family is falling apart. That I'm failing my son whatever I do. That I was only trying to help him get well and it's descended to this. He used to pay the bills 50/50 and used to cook and clean plenty (I've always been the better and therfore default cook but he would cook a couple of nights a week) A few years ago he lost his job and had a breakdown with full on panic attacks hence I took over everything. His panic attacks are very infrequent now and he works etc. but the relationship has completely changed.

I'm not stupid, these things happen gradually and it's sometimes hard to see, especially when there's health issues involved.

Op what you discribe was me a few years ago. Even down to the paying for everything. It sucks the life out of you.
Mine also refused to go to the doctor and never looked after the kids. How I remember the silent treatment
He died and to be honest it was the best thing he ever did for us.
Life now is wonderful
I think you should get this moved to relationships where there are lots of lovely people who can advise you on your next move

Why did he lose his job?

I mean factually, not what he told you. What do you knows as fact?

You arent failing your son. He is. You dont want your son growing up thinking it's ok to treat people like your husband is.

He may have been I'll at some point. But somewhere along the line he has decided his life is a whole lot better like this. Where you feel shit, stressed and guilty and he is having a great time.

You're not a mug, OP, and that comment was unkind.

You have done your very best to support him in his illness, and that is to your credit.

What should have happened after he lost his job, is he should have accessed therapy and support to resolve his issues and retain/regain functioning. He hasn't done that, and so has spiralled into a point of depressed paralysis where he is no use to you or himself. He needs to make all possible efforts to get out of that, for his own benefit, regardless of what you choose.

Given how long you have supported him I see no shame or blame should attach to you for leaving and seeking a better life for you and your son.

You are not failing your son. You are not responsible for another adult's behaviour, mental health issues or not.

But now, Stop. No more M&S sandwiches. No more pandering. Live your life as you want. He joins you or not at dinner.

Make your plans carefully, get full legal advice before you do anything.

And when you're organised, go.

I think you should get this moved to relationships where there are lots of lovely people who can advise you on your next move
How do I do that?

Why did he lose his job?
The business went bust, long story but I was also working there part time and know it wasn’t his fault. We fell back on my other part time job that I now do full time (also from home).

So how come he got to fall apart?

You lost your job and became the sole provider. How much support have you had since then.

It's only a partnership if you are there for eachother. He has become used to you doing it all and decided he prefers that.

You can report your post and ask mn to move it.

We're moving this over to relationships at the OP's request.

Thank you MNHQ xx

I feel so guilty thinking about leaving

Why? He's not worried about how you feel whilst he's screwing you over.

He's not feeling guilty when he bangs out hundreds on hobby equipment and you're covering the bills.

He's not feeling guilty when he's toddling off round the corner for a Pot Noodle and cans of beer.

Bet he wasn't feeling guilty when he was away, either.

Why? I think because I’m a good kind person and don’t enjoy tearing other people’s lives apart. Because it’s a huge scary decision. Because my parents split when I was 7 and I was really upset and it affected me a lot and I’m about to do that to my son. Because it’s going to be horrible. Because I feel two-faced being nice while I’m planning to potentially kick him out with nowhere to go. And probably because I’m too nice.

I didn’t mind him being away. He did say he missed us while he was away but I can’t say I missed him. Then I felt guilty for that too.

He is tearing his own life apart. Not you.

And I guarantee, you son will be much more miserable growing up with him in the house than he would be if you split.

If he can manage to order himself hundreds of pounds worth of hobby gear. He can do an online food shop.

The theme is he only does things if it's for his own gain AND he knows you wont do it for him.

You need to stop feeling guilty about him and think about how he doesnt really give a shit about you or your son.

And then he smiles at me and thanks me and I see my lovely husband 😢 I want him
back all the time not just sometimes 😢😢

No then he realise he has to give you some crumbs to keep you hanging on.

I’ve got an appointment tomorrow with a solicitor.

Impossible to get through to women’s aid for advice.

Rang Mind again who pointed out that regardless of DH’s diagnosis my son and I have a right to good mental health and support too...

There is the national women's aid / helpline but you could also try your local women's aid.

And there's the free Rights of Women family law helpline too:
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Anyway hope the solicitor is helpful.

Yeah rights of women are only open at a time I can’t talk as DS is with me. Women’s aid just ring out. Holding out for the solicitor tomorrow and counsellor on Wednesday I help me work out what to do.

Good luck Op. You have been so strong so far. Keep going.

We will always be here to listen and give you advice. But do you have any real life support? Have you spoken to your parents?

Well I did it. I had the conversation.
I told him everything about how I feel and why and gave him the choice between sobriety, therapy and family life or a divorce.
I’ve already spoken to a solicitor and found a short term rental property.
He listened and then I went out.
I’ve just had my first counselling session and am feeling a bit better. Who knows what will happen now but at least I’ve taken action.

What about taking his meds?

I am glad you have told him, but what's to stop doing it, but temporarily, again?

Well yes meds too and other stuff. I talked to him for about half an hour setting it all out but I’m not going to type out the entire convo here, I was just summarising.