to wonder at what point enough is enough

[kandykane77]

DH has had bad MH issues for a couple of years. His behaviour is sometimes fine, sometimes very hard to live with. It can be like living with two different people. I’ve taken professional advice and been told that if he were mentally stable his behaviour would be abusive but as it’s most likely caused by his MH problems it’s hard to live with but not abusive.
Last time there was a bad patch I planned to go and told him to take some responsibility or lose me. He made more of a effort with his MH and I stayed. But now he says he’s going to stop taking his tablets at the weekend. I’m terrified of what’s going to happen when he stops taking them. He’s not had any therapy or anything just tablets. So I am worried it will all go back to how it was.
Is enough enough? Am I a bitch to think about leaving someone because I can’t cope with his mental illness? We’ve been together for 12 years. He’s been ill for about 3 years.

Whether or not it's abusive (which it is) it isn't legally considered so because of the mental health (which is so so wrong). You need to leave him but you may need another reason for the divorce.

And you don't just need to leave, you need to leave before anyone can argue that you care for him. If you wait till the point that you could be considered his carer, leaving would be considered neglect, and that's not something you want to be fighting.

SeptemberDays that isn't correct that the OP would be considered liable for neglect. There is no law that states that she has to be his carer. If his care needs were that high then all she would need to do is pack her bags and give SSD a ring on her way out of the door and suggest that they might want to come and assess him. If however he wete confinrd to a wheelchair and unable to self care and get to a phone to seek help and she walked out the door without making a call then that might be considered neglect or abuse.

"The rental contract is in my name but he won’t leave easily so it’s simpler and less traumatic for me and DS to go."

You really should get legal advice, start by contacting or visiting Citizens Advice and they can give you some information and hopefully tell you about local solicitors who offer a free or low cost initial consultation.

There's also the advicenow website which has lots of excellent information and advice about divorce and the associated issues (housing, finances, child contact).

Very unwise to stop meds abruptly. Should be done by gradually cutting down, and under medical supervision. Can provoke side effects, mood swings. He is being an idiot

“Do not buy a property while still married to this man. Not in your name. I wouldnt even put any money into it

The last thing you need is during divorce, him saying he wants half the house you buy with your parents. Or that you used joint money to put into it (if it's in your parents name).”

Oh hells bells I hadn’t thought of that.

How about giving notice on your rental and staying with family until the contract expires/taking out a new, short term one until you're divorced?

You've got enough there, especially if you can document it, for Unreasonable Behaviour - and whatever Mind might say, they aren't specialists in divorce; the abusive behaviours are still abusive.

SeptemberDays no OP doesmt need another reason for divorce.

Refusing to take his med and coming off them spontaneously, causing her distress is unreasonable behaviour and can be used as such. Or she can leave, wait 2 years and file because they havent been together for 2 years.

I don't think that being physically unable to call for help is considered different to being mentally unable to call for help. If they don't know they need help or to take their meds, it could progress into not knowing that they need to feed themselves or other essential things, and still not knowing that they need help. Of course it might never go that way but no-one knows. I'm absolutely not suggesting that the op is in this position now, and currently she can and should do as you say.
Right or wrong that was the professional advice we were given, from similar people to the OP has spoken to, including ss.

So if I tell his GP he’s a abruptly stopped meds they can refer to SS if they want. He can go to the shop for booze and a pot noodle so he’s got the “essentials” covered

I left my husband after 12 years of marriage. We have an 8 year old DD. I could no longer live with his anxiety and depression. He is diagnosed but doesn’t like the meds and only did 3 counselling sessions. His MH has been bad for years and I first threatened to leave over it 6yrs who. I feel both relieved and guilty for finally breaking free. My life is so so so much better without living with his crazy anxiety induced rules and the perpetual life sucking misery. You don’t have to live with him if you don’t want to. DD was miserable about our splitting for some weeks but now 6 months later she too is FAR happier and more relaxed!

SeptemberDays of course its different.

Being left alone while not being able to physically reach a phone, is different to choosing not to call.

No spouse is legally obliged to stay in their marriage or remain in the same house just because their partner has mental or physical disabilities.

He is choosing to not take his meds.

Besides which, op would simply have to call The Gp or adult social services, advise they arent together and he is ill. Or if he is a danger to himself the police.

That's it.

All the time he is legally considered to be making a choice that's true.

Clearly I'm referring to a different sort of situation, and I don't think it's helpful to argue the details here. My point is just that it could get harder to leave if the mental health gets worse, and the op needs to bare that in mind when she chooses where to draw the line.

Cath2907 thank you that’s really helpful to hear xx

Cath how often does your DD see her dad if you don’t mind me asking?

What medication has he stopped taking? Many antidepressants have to be withdrawn gradually. I would call the GP and advise them that he has stopped them cold, for his sake.

Can you go to gp with him? I doubt gp has whole story.

He won’t go to the GP

Ask for a call back from the GP - explain the situation. They may even make a house call.

Ffs he spent £350 on some new hobby items last night! Here’s me working extra hours and paying all the bills and rent... and one reason he gave for not going to CBT is that it’s expensive and I bet it was more than 350 he always understates what he’s paid

More fool you tbh
It never ceases to amaze me what mugs some women can be

He's never taken full responsibility for his illness, or actually made a real attempt overcome it, as he's never bothered to go to therapy.

Medication alone, while stabilising him perhaps, will do diddly squat to change the reasons why he became ill in the first place. He's been coasting in a cushy number that you have been providing.

I your shoes I would either give him an ultimatum today that he goes back on meds, goes to therapy and starts becoming a more functional member of the household, or I would just kick him out. I suspect from what you say that if you gave him another chance you would just be back in this position again in a few months time. It sounds like he doesn't want to change (or doesn't believe it's possible), and won't put the work in to try and make that happen.

He sounds like an out of control teenager. So far removed from an equal partner in a marriage.

I know it has been half term but can you not have a longer conversation with him about why on earth he has stopped taking his tablets? I think you need to hear again his lack of effort in tackling his issues. This may help you to feel less guilt in leaving him.

I can almost feel the relief already which is coming your way when you are away from him.

Best of luck.

So he doesn't pay towards living costs but can drop a load of money on a hobby.

OP he is a free loading pisstaker and you are allowing him.

Get yourself another rental property if you have to.

Personally I would tell him he needs to go. Call the gp and tell them he is off his meds and the minute he tries to be aggressive, call the police.

I'm not a mug that's not very nice

I'm not doing anything today as DS is here and I'm not putting him through witnessing me breaking up our family. The financial strain of DH is real though, I just totted up our grocery/off licence shopping just from my account it's nearly £700 a month. For 2 adults, an 8 yo and a few pets. That's huge! I'm forever fetching him specific things that he thinks he can eat or drink, lunch time sandwiches from Marks and Spencer (nearest shop) or fish and chips, takeaway curry from a restaurant all adds up!!! When he went away for a couple of weeks a while ago DS and I ate normal tasty (well planned) home cooked food and I spent very little.

I know it has been half term but can you not have a longer conversation with him about why on earth he has stopped taking his tablets

I'm doing nothing with DS here except making sure he has a nice half term. Waiting until he's in bed is no good as he has additional needs and doesn't sleep well. I need him to be out of the house.
I've got a counselling appointment on Wednesday, I'm going to use that to get everything straight in my head.