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Original poster

How should I handle this?

118 replies

PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 19:47

Last year I met an amazing guy who has completely rocked my world. We quickly became best friends and, if I’m honest, I developed feelings for him from the start. He has a girlfriend who he lives with but no children. His girlfriend has a chronic illness and he is committed to her, they own a flat together, etc.

I suspect he feels the same way about me but I don’t know.

Over the months we have had lots of talks about relationships and I have let a few things slip over time. Actually I haven’t let things slip, I just haven’t lied to him if he digs for info. So now he suspects that there is a mystery person who I am attracted to. I change the subject whenever he brings it up.

Last time we chatted he said he knows that something is up and he wants to get to the bottom of it.

I’m very torn. I have strong feelings for this man and don’t want to:

  • ruin our friendship
  • interfere in his relationship. He feels very responsible for his girlfriend.
  • get hurt
  • humiliate myself.

Do I give in and tell him how I feel? Do I just suck it up and continue to try to bury my feelings for him and stay friends?

I’m concerned that there’s no good solution. If I tell him how I feel about him and he feels the same way and we get together after he splits up with his girlfriend then the relationship would be beset with his guilt over his girlfriend.

I’m also scared that he might just laugh at me.

I think I have convinced myself to keep it quiet but.....

What if he is feeling just as strongly about me and we both want to be together?

I should add that he’s not very confident with women and it’s totally possible that he’s attracted to me but thinks that I’m not remotely interested in him.

Or is he fully aware and enjoying an ego boost?

What should I do?

OP posts:
adayatthebeach · 28/05/2019 19:52

Grow up you sound like a teenager. I’d advise you to step back and leave them to their relationship. If he wants to be more then friends he would say something. Nothing comes from trying to be in the middle of someone’s relationship.

Icandothisallday · 28/05/2019 19:57

Are you taking the piss?
You have a year flirting and trying to attract a man who has a girlfriend. A girlfriend who he is committed to and is chronically ill?

He has a girlfriend but is spending of time with you? Wanting to know if you fancy anyone and who it is? He acts in a way that makes you think he is interested. While hevis in a committed relationship and his girlfriend is ill?

You sound like a pair of children.

He sounds like he is only committed until he finds someone 'better'. You just suspect that or you would have distanced yourself and not let it developed. The girlfriend is better off without him.

Why would you want him is he dumped someone who is committed to, the minute you say you are interested

He isnt your best friend. You are trying to get him to fall for you.

People who are JUST friends dont spend time wondering about this sort of stuff.

If you are the poster I suspect you are, you need to get over this.

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 20:05

This is my 1st post asking for advice about this.

Maybe I should just go no contact with him. I definitely don’t want to hurt his girlfriend or him or myself. It seems like the only way.

OP posts:
Icandothisallday · 28/05/2019 20:06

But you do want to hurt his girlfriend.

You want him to know in the hope he feels the same. That will result in her being hurt.

Does she know how you 2 are 'best friends', you spend time with her as well?

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 20:08

I’ve never met her but I care about her because he cares about her.

Re the best friends thing. I consider him to be my best friend but I don’t know if he feels that too.

As I say, I can see this needing to be a NC thing.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 28/05/2019 20:12

He doesn't care about her.
You probably aren't the first "best friend" he's had.

He's playing you like a fiddle.

PicsInRed · 28/05/2019 20:13

🎵🎵🎵
Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone, and you, my friend, will see
You've got a friend in me
Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind and don't like what you find
There's something you should know, you've got a place to go
I used to say I and me, now it's us, now it's we
I used to say I and me, now it's us, now it's we
Ben most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to'
I'm sure they'd think again if they had a friend like Ben
A friend like Ben
(Like Ben)
Like Ben
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

Icandothisallday · 28/05/2019 20:17

You never met her but care about her?

You care about her but are spending time flirting and trying to attract her boyfriend.

Bet she doesnt know about you. Or at least how close you are.

I am not trying to be horrible. I am trying to wake you up to the truth.

He isnt your best friend. He is someone you want to be in a relationship with.

cherryblossomgin · 28/05/2019 20:19

The attention you are giving him may be what he is missing from his relationship and he is using you for that. You are probably an ego boost.

What are you actually getting from this friendship?

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 20:21

He’s told me that since he’s been with his girlfriend, a few women have pursued him. I’m thinking that he must have given them some encouragement. I presume that women don’t just pursue men who show no interest in them. I don’t want him to add me to his list. I think he does have feelings for me though. Did he have feelings for these other women? Or just not strongly enough to do anything about it? Perhaps I am being played.

OP posts:
Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 20:23

Well I enjoy his company. We have a laugh together. It’s nice having that special person who is always there to confide in. We like all the same things. We’re different enough that we find each other interesting. I respect him. I like him. When I’m with him I feel very happy. That’s what I’m getting.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 28/05/2019 20:23

You say he's not very confident with women. If this is the case, revealing your feelings will likely make him feel very uncomfortable and put him in an awkward position where you lose your friendship because he doesn't want to betray his girlfriend.

I doubt he's digging about you liking somebody because he thinks it's him if he's an unconfident as you say, and likely more because he's your friend and excited for you.

He sounds like a good person, remaining committed to his girlfriend who's chronically unwell. It takes a strong person to do that.

He doesn't need a "friend" putting him in a difficult position.

But the threat of no contact is just as selfish from you. It's all about you. He'll wonder what he's done wrong, you'll end up coming clean, and then he'll feel uncomfortable again.

Just be what you're supposed to be - a friend.

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 20:25

I could well be an ego boost.

Why would a guy want to do that? I don’t get it.

If I had a guy interested in me who I wasn’t interested in then I would remove myself from the situation. I wouldn’t string him along as it would just be embarrassing.

OP posts:
Icandothisallday · 28/05/2019 20:27

Does his girlfriend know about you?

What do you mean what does he get out of an ego boost? He gets an ego boost.

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 20:27

I’ll try to just be a good friend to him. His girlfriend is due to have a major operation for her chronic health condition soon so I don’t want to cause him any unnecessary stress.

Will I ever be able to move on if I stay friends with him though?

OP posts:
Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 20:29

I presume she knows that I exist. I haven’t met her.

I don’t really understand why someone would want an ego boost. It just doesn’t remotely appeal to me in a relationship sense. I suppose winning a prize at work would be a nice ego boost. Sorry, I’m probably thick but I just don’t get it.

OP posts:
OldUnit · 28/05/2019 20:30

Ha! Of course he knows it's him you have a crush on!!!

He's playing you and lapping up the excitement, attention.

I'd only half believe what he tells you about his gf too.

Get a grip.

PicsInRed · 28/05/2019 20:30

If I had a guy interested in me who I wasn’t interested in then I would remove myself from the situation

So you either remove yourself or admit you are interested. Which would make you a willing OW.

Your choice.

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 20:32

I think he 60% thinks that he’s my crush but 40% of him isn’t sure.

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 28/05/2019 20:33

I’ve never met her but I care about her because he cares about her

Oh give over, you are trying to fuck her bloke.

He’s told me that since he’s been with his girlfriend, a few women have pursued him

He is letting you know that he is open to fucking someone on the side.

It’s nice having that special person who is always there to confide in

He is someone elses special person though isn't he, someone who is vulnerable and ill and probably feels grateful for having this wanksock as a "loving" partner when she is ill.

OldUnit · 28/05/2019 20:33

This is all very self indulgent.

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 20:33

He rarely speaks about her. All I know is that they live together in a place they bought together. She has a chronic illness and is having an operation in the summer. He never criticises her in any way.

OP posts:
Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 20:35

He is letting you know that he is open to fucking someone on the side.

I don’t think so. He was saying it in a way as if to say it was a nightmare and unwanted interest.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 28/05/2019 20:36

He rarely speaks about her.

But you know he really cares about her?
What, osmotically?

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 20:36

If he comes right out with it and asks me how I feel about him, what would you advise? Should I deny it to protect the friendship?

OP posts:
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