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Original poster

How should I handle this?

118 replies

PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 19:47

Last year I met an amazing guy who has completely rocked my world. We quickly became best friends and, if I’m honest, I developed feelings for him from the start. He has a girlfriend who he lives with but no children. His girlfriend has a chronic illness and he is committed to her, they own a flat together, etc.

I suspect he feels the same way about me but I don’t know.

Over the months we have had lots of talks about relationships and I have let a few things slip over time. Actually I haven’t let things slip, I just haven’t lied to him if he digs for info. So now he suspects that there is a mystery person who I am attracted to. I change the subject whenever he brings it up.

Last time we chatted he said he knows that something is up and he wants to get to the bottom of it.

I’m very torn. I have strong feelings for this man and don’t want to:

  • ruin our friendship
  • interfere in his relationship. He feels very responsible for his girlfriend.
  • get hurt
  • humiliate myself.

Do I give in and tell him how I feel? Do I just suck it up and continue to try to bury my feelings for him and stay friends?

I’m concerned that there’s no good solution. If I tell him how I feel about him and he feels the same way and we get together after he splits up with his girlfriend then the relationship would be beset with his guilt over his girlfriend.

I’m also scared that he might just laugh at me.

I think I have convinced myself to keep it quiet but.....

What if he is feeling just as strongly about me and we both want to be together?

I should add that he’s not very confident with women and it’s totally possible that he’s attracted to me but thinks that I’m not remotely interested in him.

Or is he fully aware and enjoying an ego boost?

What should I do?

OP posts:
Icandothisallday · 28/05/2019 21:26

You dont know him

Have you met any of his friends.

Any of their mutual friends?

Or is your friendship in a vacuum, where he can tell you whatever he wants and you have no way of knowing.

Again, how often do you actually see him in real life.

NameChangeNugget · 28/05/2019 21:26

I think he’s madly in love with you but, in denial....

Maybe write to Cathy and Claire for further advice Biscuit

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 21:27

I’m not young but men are a mystery to me. I think I get them but then I don’t. I find relationships confusing and difficult to be honest. I’m very warm hearted and probably too trusting.

OP posts:
Tennesseewhiskey · 28/05/2019 21:28

Too warm hearted but trying to shag a man who has an I'll girlfriend?

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 21:29

I’ve met his acquaintances but not his friends.

We see each other about once a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 21:30

I’m not trying to shag him. I’m trying to decide whether to tell him how I feel or go NC.

OP posts:
Icandothisallday · 28/05/2019 21:32

Why would you tell him how you feel if you dont want to have a relationship with him?

Yes you do want to shag him. Its obvious. You wouldnt be considering telling him, you would be distancing himself otherwise.

letstryanewone · 28/05/2019 21:32

Well he doesn't care about you enough if he isn't prepared to be "brave" enough for you.

Seriously, if he cared a lot about you, wanted to be with you, and was decent. He would dump her. Honestly he would. Men really aren't that complex

OhShitItsAMouse · 28/05/2019 21:32

Oh god, I am CRINGING reading your posts!

You stink of desperation.

He has a girlfriend. He is unavailable to you.

Would you like it if another woman was declaring their undying love for your partner?
No. Didn’t think so.

You’re quite cruel actually.

Icandothisallday · 28/05/2019 21:32

Yourself not himself.

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 21:35

Well he doesn't care about you enough if he isn't prepared to be "brave" enough for you.
You’re right.

OP posts:
ralphfromlordoftheflies · 28/05/2019 21:36

Oh, he's one of those men. A common garden wanker. Specifically, a 'collector'. He collects a little trail of female 'friends' and throws out a few stockpile noble phrases and is ambiguous in how he behaves towards them, and these vulnerable women develop a little obsession with him and boost his ego (that's you, by the way, OP. One of the collection. There will be another one after you).

And here you are waxing lyrical about him on a forum, inviting lots of people to over analyse this man's feelings for you and whether he fancies you or not. Stop pretending to have any sort of moral compass. You're plotting to start an affair with a man who has a partner, one who is very unwell to boot. What sort of woman behaves like that.

Rocketgirl1 · 28/05/2019 21:39

It sounds like he is messing you around for an ego boost.

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 21:40

He collects a little trail of female 'friends' and throws out a few stockpile noble phrases and is ambiguous in how he behaves towards them, and these vulnerable women develop a little obsession with him and boost his ego
Is this a thing that some guys do?

OP posts:
OhShitItsAMouse · 28/05/2019 21:41

Are you new to this planet?

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 21:41

Please can someone explain the whole ego boost thing to me. It is so alien to me. I would never want a guy hanging around me who I wasn’t 100% into. I would genuinely appreciate someone explaining it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 21:42

Are you new to this planet?
As I said, I’m rubbish at relationships.

OP posts:
OldUnit · 28/05/2019 21:42

Unbelievable. Literally. Hmm

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 21:45

I haven’t spoken to anyone about this friendship because I feel bad about having feelings for a taken man. So I haven’t had the opportunity to discuss it with anyone or see it from another perspective.

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 28/05/2019 21:46

🤦‍♀️

letstryanewone · 28/05/2019 21:46

Again you're making it too complex - an ego boost is simply what it says. It feels good to him to know other women are attracted to it. That's it. Simple

Original poster
PearlOfWhirl · 28/05/2019 21:49

I suppose I can imagine that. From my perspective, I only want the guy I fancy to be attracted to me. I have no interest in the admiration of a man I don’t want. Sorry if I sound weird.

OP posts:
Icandothisallday · 28/05/2019 21:51

I would never want a guy hanging around me who I wasn’t 100% into.

In which case, you should never have got to know him in the first place. You can be friends of the opposite sex. But friends means 100% not into eachother. But still get on.

And ego boost is just that. It feels good to know someone else fancies him. Feels good to be able to pull and have sex with different women. But he still wants to also have a long standing relationship he cab go home to.

You havent met his friends or even his GF. You have no clue if what he is telling you is true.

OhShitItsAMouse · 28/05/2019 21:52

Rubbish at relationships... but have you never interacted with people? Read a book? Watched a film?

PicsInRed · 28/05/2019 21:52

I would genuinely appreciate someone explaining it.

If there's one thing I've learned in all my years, it's that anyone who protests that they genuinely anything ... is not genuine.