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Original poster

Husband in huge secret debt wwyd.

103 replies

Shaw2be · 26/05/2019 20:54

I knew he was racking up a debt as he has barely any spare money and yet we keep getting parcels delivered and he keeps wearing new clothes which he says "he's had for ages" when questioned. Today he finally confessed to being in debt. The total at 42k after a lot of probing. It started at 12k and then he finally admitted the full amount. He thinks I have no right to be cross because he has come clean and he has set in motion a plan to pay it off. His plan is to remortgage and put it on the house. Which is both of ours and I am incredibly unhappy about this idea. He says for him to pay it off it will take 7 years and in that time he will only have £50 A week to live off. I see no problem with that as I think £50 A week for leisure is fine!! Not including petrol or food!! Whereas if he puts it on the house it will only cost us each an extra £100 A month. I get that we are married and that I should be supportive but I've seen none of this money and I am absolutely furious at him. Things have been tough between us a lot recently. We have 3 young children and he has been drinking heavily every evening and not helping put around the house at all. I currently feel like I want to cut my losses and move on but when we have discussed this over the last weeks he seems really intent on fixing things and this is why he has come clean. However he never accepts that he is in the wrong about anything and always has something or someone to blame. Apparently slight stress turned him into an alcoholic junk spender. I just can't deal with someone so arrogant who won't even apologise! Help me please. What do I do? I want pur kids to have a happy life, and love in a happy home and currently it is not a happy home!

OP posts:
LoubyLou1234 · 26/05/2019 20:59

Do not add it to your mortgage, it never makes sense to put that kind of debt on a secured loan on the house for you and your children. Plus it's not your debt.

Debt boards on money saving expert are really handy and I've read loads of similar stories on there and they are really helpful.

LoubyLou1234 · 26/05/2019 21:00

Although to be fair it sounds like you've had enough anyway.....

FunkySnidge · 26/05/2019 21:04

Don't put it on the mortgage. He will just rake up more debt and you will end up in serious problems.
Sounds like He needs to get professional help for his alcoholism and his uncontrolled spending.

nrpmum · 26/05/2019 21:04

Divorce him

PaddingtonMare · 26/05/2019 21:07

As PP said. Do not put this on your mortgage. Check your credit report. This is a massive breach of trust and no guarantee he will change his ways. This is money he has taken from you and the kids. I would keep finances as separate as possible. You can support him with helping him budget, or time to go to therapy. He has a problem and he needs to deal with whatever that is, not just the debt.

I would start a savings account in case you want to split.

Strawberry2017 · 26/05/2019 21:07

The fact that he's managed to get himself in to 42k of debt and looks for an easy way out that also drags you in to it,
HELL NO! How dare he think it's ok to do that to his family. How will he pay off his next lot of secret debt.
If I was you I'd be keeping a close eye on things to make sure he doesn't forge your signature on adding it to the mortgage.

60secondfacetimer · 26/05/2019 21:07

42k and he isn't even remorseful! He wants to share the load with you are you kidding me! This would be enough for me to walk away. Your poor kids with a useless father who clearly doesn't think about their needs selfish twat.

FuriousVexation · 26/05/2019 21:08

Are you a SAHP?
What is the childcare bill?

Shushpuppy143 · 26/05/2019 21:11

No I work and I am the one who earns more. Childcare is split between nursery and my parents. I had just dropped to 4 days as well and now he is telling me I need to go back to full time to pay more into the joint account.

inlectorecumbit · 26/05/2019 21:18

If it goes on the mortgage and you split you will be responsible for all the debt if he defaults.
Cut your losses and split now before he drags you down further, If not for you do it for the DC

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2019 21:20

Name change fail OP.

I don’t know how I’d forgive my husband for this. But for sure he wouldn’t be remortgaging the bloody house to fix his irresponsible habits. No chance in hell.

£50 a week is plenty of fun money. He’s had his frivolous selfish splurges and you and the children shouldn’t be paying the price for it.

My gut says divorce him. He’s not even fucking sorry! But practically I don’t know what that would mean for you with the house.

Scrumptiousbears · 26/05/2019 21:20

Oh dear. OP I'd end it here and now. This is massively unacceptable and you can never trust him again.

LoubyLou1234 · 26/05/2019 21:21

Also check your credit reports, there are three free versions. Different lenders register with different but not credit agencies. So worth checking all.

TheBrockmans · 26/05/2019 21:24

Cutting out alcohol would save money too. I would want to see a lot of behaviour change over a long period of time before I would consider adding to mortgage. It seems too much of an easy answer. If you wanted to be conciliatory then you could suggest that you revisit the situation in three years/ when nursery fees finish AS LONG AS he has stuck to the repayment plan and has cut down on drinking. I wouldn't agree to adding more than £10/15k to the mortgage. Can he increase his income if you earn more than he does over 4 days? Alternatively if it is a deal breaker for you then cut your losses if he isn't likely to change.

3luckystars · 26/05/2019 21:26

You can get out of this.

If you help him and it's too easy he will do it again.

Go and get some financial advice for yourself. We have a 'money advice bureau' here that is free, having you any place like that where you are?

UnicornDust9 · 26/05/2019 21:27

42k!!!! WTF.

Do NOT let him put it on the mortgage!

I’m sorry but that’s a huge secret and I couldn’t stay with someone that is so financially stupid and can’t even take full responsibility for it.

Divorce him: take your equity from the house and let him pay of HIS debt

FizzBuzzBangWoof · 26/05/2019 21:27

In your shoes I would divorce him

NameChangeNugget · 26/05/2019 21:27

What a despicable man.

Divorce him

GinUnicorn · 26/05/2019 21:29

If he is taking responsibility for this debt then he needs to be looking at solutions. Not passing it onto you. Can he get overtime? Can he sell anything? It’s his mess to clean up.

Userplusnumbers · 26/05/2019 21:29

He's also bullshitting about the repayments - if you add it to your mortgage, even if you had a 2% mortgage it would take 25 years at 180 per month.

His other plan, to pay it of over 7 years is still 550ish a month, so he's going to need to cut back seriously if he's got that much spare (plus another 200 fun money a month) and still managed to build up a 42k debt - I'd be seriously considering leaving tbh OP.

justilou1 · 26/05/2019 21:29

Nope. Get out while you can. He is looking for the easy fix. Nothing will change.

tribpot · 26/05/2019 21:33

If you help him and it's too easy he will do it again

Totally agree with 3luckystars. He does not have a 'plan' to pay the money off, he just wants to kick the can down the road. He absolutely will do this again if there are no consequences to his disastrous decisions.

Shushpuppy143 · 26/05/2019 21:33

@annelovesgilbert 😂😂

Yea I don't know what it would look like for me and the kids. I know what I could borrow based on my own income and half the equity as a deposit. I just know it will be worse before it's better. I can see him being incredibly bitter and nasty and blaming me in some way. And he will paint me as an awful person for not standing by him etc. I can see that if we separate then in 12 months time I could be leading a happy life but it's the idea of getting to that point and all those hurdles that I can't imagine. I couldn't afford to stay here without his input though so would have to sell the house and that's not something he is willing to do either.

justthecat · 26/05/2019 21:33

I can’t imagine you’ll ever financially trust him again and the longer you leave it how much worse will it get?
Plus the fact he’s not even remorseful ??!!

IDontDrinkTea · 26/05/2019 21:34

FORTY TWO THOUSAND POUNDS ShockShockShock

And the only thing you’d noticed is a few packages of clothes?!

Does he also have a massive gambling problem or something because that’s a hell of a lot of money on just clothes and alcohol.

Honestly, divorce him. It’s not going to get better, he’s just going to run up more debt and if you put it on the mortgage it becomes your problem.