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Original poster

Husband in huge secret debt wwyd.

103 replies

Shaw2be · 26/05/2019 20:54

I knew he was racking up a debt as he has barely any spare money and yet we keep getting parcels delivered and he keeps wearing new clothes which he says "he's had for ages" when questioned. Today he finally confessed to being in debt. The total at 42k after a lot of probing. It started at 12k and then he finally admitted the full amount. He thinks I have no right to be cross because he has come clean and he has set in motion a plan to pay it off. His plan is to remortgage and put it on the house. Which is both of ours and I am incredibly unhappy about this idea. He says for him to pay it off it will take 7 years and in that time he will only have £50 A week to live off. I see no problem with that as I think £50 A week for leisure is fine!! Not including petrol or food!! Whereas if he puts it on the house it will only cost us each an extra £100 A month. I get that we are married and that I should be supportive but I've seen none of this money and I am absolutely furious at him. Things have been tough between us a lot recently. We have 3 young children and he has been drinking heavily every evening and not helping put around the house at all. I currently feel like I want to cut my losses and move on but when we have discussed this over the last weeks he seems really intent on fixing things and this is why he has come clean. However he never accepts that he is in the wrong about anything and always has something or someone to blame. Apparently slight stress turned him into an alcoholic junk spender. I just can't deal with someone so arrogant who won't even apologise! Help me please. What do I do? I want pur kids to have a happy life, and love in a happy home and currently it is not a happy home!

OP posts:
Userplusnumbers · 26/05/2019 21:35

@Shushpuppy143

I know what I could borrow based on my own income and half the equity as a deposit

Don't forget to minus 42k off that equity if he gets his way...

Figure8 · 26/05/2019 21:38

Nope, don't put it on the mortgage. Way too easy for him.

And shame on him that he doesn't have any remorse, and you're " not allowed" to be upset

Twickerhun · 26/05/2019 21:38

Thee are some great debt management threads on here - get yourself over to them they can give you amazing advice

Rocketgirl1 · 26/05/2019 21:40

You can sell the house if you divorce and he can’t afford the mortgage himself.

I would get legal advice before doing anything eg what happens to the debt in divorce, what’s the easiest and quickest way out, what happens if he continues to spend etc?

carly2803 · 26/05/2019 21:42

do not put that on the mortgage!! no way!!

get rid OP - life is too short to be miserable and putting up with someone else shit and debt. You sound like your done anyhow, might be a tough time short term but long term its worth it!

shitwithsugaron · 26/05/2019 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notanotherfucker · 26/05/2019 21:44

Do not put on your mortgage, please don't do this.

BlueberryFool123 · 26/05/2019 21:45

It something like 75-80 % of people who put debt on mortgage are in debt again within 5 years. It’s the easy option and you don’t change your mindset.

ScoobyCan · 26/05/2019 21:46

Be aware that this may well just be the tip of the iceberg. It started off as £12k here too, and it's now into nearly 7 figures.... divorce imminent.

breakfastpizza · 26/05/2019 21:49

I'd probably leave my other half over this. But first I'd sit down and figure out exactly where the money went, to see what was recoverable. Clothes don't cost 42k. If there is anything he bought that can be sold (electronics) I'd insist on it, and then figure out if I was going to stay after that.

As per PP do NOT add to the mortgage. If you do that, there's no reason for him to stop spending. He'll likely run it up again.

Omzlas · 26/05/2019 21:52

Why on earth should you work more hours because he can't manage money and spends it like it's going out of fashion????

As PP have said, the very worst thing you do is add to your mortgage, you'll end up back here in no time

What has he spent the money on? Has he said?

Shushpuppy143 · 26/05/2019 21:52

I know of 2 things that are worth 1k each that he could sell but he is refusing to. These are things that were purchased in said debt.

And to whoever said minus the 42k then that doesn't bear thinking about. I'd have almost no deposit.

European12345 · 26/05/2019 21:54

He’s in no position of refusing not to sell stuff. How is he going to pay 42k back ???

CinnabarRed · 26/05/2019 21:55

I know of 2 things that are worth 1k each that he could sell but he is refusing to. These are things that were purchased in said debt

That tells you everything you need to know.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 26/05/2019 21:55

He has no intention of changing his spending habits- he just wants you to sort it out so that he can carry on!
There aren't many things that I'd leave my husband for, but this is one of them. I couldn't live with the fear.

Gazelda · 26/05/2019 21:56

He's created enormous debt.
He's broken your trust
He's selfishly refusing to sell things to mitigate some of the loss
He wants you to share the burden and to increase your hours.
He drinks too much.
He is not remorseful.

I think that's sufficient justification to call it a day. Time to talk to a solicitor.

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 26/05/2019 21:57

The lack of remorse says he’ll do it again. And how can he refuse to sell stuff? Get rid

Petalflowers · 26/05/2019 21:58

42k!!! How does one develop debt of 42k?

By putting it on the mortgage, he is not changing his financial habits, but just removing the debt. There’s plenty of opportunity to accrue more debt.

Has he made any actual plans to change his spending habits - got rid of credit cards etc? Returned any recent purchases etc.

Shushpuppy143 · 26/05/2019 21:59

The more I read and write this the more I know what the decision should be. It's just real life to me this is my life and my kids lives and the decisions made will impact on all of that and I just see it's going to be a horrendous short term period.
I can see how women get trapped in shit situations.
So what do I do? Speak to a solicitor before saying anything? Or is that deceitful?

BentBaastard · 26/05/2019 22:06

Get some financial advice.

Book to see a solicitor.

Check that any shared joint account money cannot be accessed by him.

Decide it’s definitely what you want and start proceedings.

Don’t tell him until you know what’s going on.

AdaColeman · 26/05/2019 22:07

On absolutely no account should you take out a mortgage to pay off his debts.

The problem with that as a solution, is that he will see the second mortgage amount as more spending money. If he loses his job or becomes ill due to his alcoholism, you and the children could lose your home.

He isn't doing anything to solve his problems, he's just passing them on to you. His whole attitude to his drinking and spending needs to change dramatically, but it isn't.

At the moment, and if you go along with his inadequate plans, you are just facilitating his and your family's downfall. A quick divorce is going to be your best action for your own protection.

OhioOhioOhio · 26/05/2019 22:09

I couldn't get over that. And for t shirts and booze. £42000. You will regret not leaving him.

middleeasternpromise · 26/05/2019 22:19

What I have learned is that financial infidelity is no different to any of the other cheating behaviours. When you cannot trust the other half you are in a dangerous territory with all aspects of your life joined up. He made the debt without you he can clear it up without you that would be my rule. If you split now that debt wont necessarily be yours - put it on the mortgage and you will struggle to say you didnt agree to it.

weaselwords · 26/05/2019 22:20

So what do I do? Speak to a solicitor before saying anything? Or is that deceitful?

Don’t worry about deceiving him. He is deceiving you. Protect yourself.

weaselwords · 26/05/2019 22:21

And your children