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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband in huge secret debt wwyd.

103 replies

Shaw2be · 26/05/2019 20:54

I knew he was racking up a debt as he has barely any spare money and yet we keep getting parcels delivered and he keeps wearing new clothes which he says "he's had for ages" when questioned. Today he finally confessed to being in debt. The total at 42k after a lot of probing. It started at 12k and then he finally admitted the full amount. He thinks I have no right to be cross because he has come clean and he has set in motion a plan to pay it off. His plan is to remortgage and put it on the house. Which is both of ours and I am incredibly unhappy about this idea. He says for him to pay it off it will take 7 years and in that time he will only have £50 A week to live off. I see no problem with that as I think £50 A week for leisure is fine!! Not including petrol or food!! Whereas if he puts it on the house it will only cost us each an extra £100 A month. I get that we are married and that I should be supportive but I've seen none of this money and I am absolutely furious at him. Things have been tough between us a lot recently. We have 3 young children and he has been drinking heavily every evening and not helping put around the house at all. I currently feel like I want to cut my losses and move on but when we have discussed this over the last weeks he seems really intent on fixing things and this is why he has come clean. However he never accepts that he is in the wrong about anything and always has something or someone to blame. Apparently slight stress turned him into an alcoholic junk spender. I just can't deal with someone so arrogant who won't even apologise! Help me please. What do I do? I want pur kids to have a happy life, and love in a happy home and currently it is not a happy home!

OP posts:
sanityisamyth · 27/05/2019 06:40

My Ex husband took out payday loans (due to poor credit rating) to £26,000 and took cash out of the joint account (which he prevented me having access to) to £56,000. His money didn't go into the joint account (I found out later) so he stole £56,000 from me. I only found all this out after the divorce. I stilll can't work out where it went or what he didn't it on.

Seriously OP leave him. He won't change and will drag you down further.

DO NOT PUT IT ON YOUR MORTGAGE.

Daenerys77 · 27/05/2019 07:29

I would refuse point blank to remortgage and would certainly take legal advice. If I had any money in a joint account with this idiot, I would move it. And I would point out to him that lots of people, including many on this very website, can only dream of having £50 a week to spend on themselves.

Mix56 · 27/05/2019 10:23

Legal advice today, take half of any joint account & put it in a new account. The house must be sold, he cannot veto this. He gets half the equity, he can do what he wishes with this as it will no longer be your problem as you will be divorced

Londongirl888 · 27/05/2019 10:49

Sorry you find yourself in this situation not of your making. Do not put on mortgage. See a lawyer. There may be other secret debts or loans. He finds it easy to deceive that makes it very hard for you as you don't know what you are dealing with. I wish you well.

user1479305498 · 27/05/2019 12:16

I would want to see all his bank statements and credit card statements OP as well. I think his reaction might be telling. Is he the kind to go on lots of mates away breaks kind of thing, many people seem to hugely overspend to keep up with the boys/girls. Could be drugs, could be webcam porn/hookers, gambling etc— that’s an awful lot to get through extra on just day to day with little to show for it unless it’s over many years

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 12:21

If you do not leave this man you will end up with NOTHING.

No home

No assets

No money

No security.

It's as simple as that.

HollowTalk · 27/05/2019 12:28

No way would I add that to my mortgage. He's spent that purely on himself, so it's his debt. I couldn't live with that level of financial insecurity.

whatthehe11 · 27/05/2019 12:33

Don't be a mug. He thinks it's an easy way out as by putting it on the mortgage his debt is then split 50:50 with you. If he actually gave a damn about you / family he wouldn't be so financially reckless, or be guilt tripping you now - the fact he has reaped the financial benefit and is now worried at having only £50 pw disposable income is shocking and smacks of him wanting his cake and eating it.

If anything is going on the mortgage let him get a loan secured against his share of the equity only, not yours. Even then I'd not be happy.

Teaandcrisps · 27/05/2019 12:51

I think that as its £42k the debts have been adding up for a long time. My feeling is that he wants to 'fix' everything because the repayments are too much for him to maintain and/or get more credit. One thing I would be sure of is that if you put it on the mortgage ie fix it, then the pattern will continue.
The worry is that if as I suspect, the debts are spiralling out of control - as you are married you will also become liable, your credit rating would be shot, your ability to get morgate/loan/credit hampered and you will effectively be in a situation where you are trapped.

Sorry - but you need to secure your future urgently. I would get a Credit Score report on you both and monitor this every month - it will also tell you exactly how much is owed. Insist that he cuts up credit cards. Ensure that every monthly payment is met whilst you figure out what to do.

With the £42k debt can you buy him out of the deeds? Either way, I would be talking to a mortgage broker first thing tomorrow to see what your options are on buying alone.

Petalflowers · 27/05/2019 14:37

I keep thinking about this thread, and wonder what on earth has he spent £42k on ( or 30k if you exclude the original 12k debt). Also, how long has the debt accrued? One thousand a month is approx. 3 - 4 years (depending on which figure you use), or even worse, approx 8-10 months, if you spend £1000 per week.

That’s a lot of dosh. It’s obivously more than a few clothes, even designer clothes. Are there expensive watches, computers, gadgets etc, that he has passed off as work items? Or has others have suggested, drugs, gambling, (or prostitution)?

As a poster above has said, look at the statements now. If they don’t tally, look for evidence of credit cards where he can have hidden online accounts. Or look at his emails and see what transactions he has made.

Don’t listen to his excuses, it’s gone beyond that now. A few hundred, and even a few thousand, but tens of thousands. No!

Mac47 · 27/05/2019 14:48

I speak from bitter experience when I advise you to dump his lying fucking arse and divorce him. I did remortgage which I am still pissed off about 8 years post divorce, but we had double the amount you do to contend with and I could see no alternative at that rime. Do not stay with the twat, he will do it again.

billy1966 · 27/05/2019 15:16

Protect your children.
Protect yourself.
Move any money from a joint to yours.

You have a choice to stay and enable him
OR
you protect your children band yourself and you move on.

His spending/Gambling/drinking will leave you absolutely destroyed.

I have seen this with a dear friend.
Years of debt, begging for another chance, again and again.
300,000 in debt before she finally woke up.
Her beautiful house that she had worked so hard for, sold.
Her credit rating destroyed.

Protect yourself first.

He has lost any right to any consideration.

LannieDuck · 27/05/2019 17:04

If you racked up 40k of debt, would he agree to take on 20k of it so you could pay it off faster? Because that's what he's asking you to do.

Littletabbyocelot · 27/05/2019 17:25

My mum was in your shoes 30 years ago. The debt got put into a mortgage, which after they divorced and the housing market crashed took the whole equity of our home. So my mum, who should have had a comfortable old age, is living in housing association accommodation.

comingintomyown · 27/05/2019 17:29

I can’t decide what’s worse getting into that kind of debt or wanting a gold medal because he’s owned up. As to thinking you have no right to be cross, refusing to apologise or sell a couple of items that would raise something towards it - you can’t be serious ?
You asked what to do , get to a solicitor like your very life depends on it and do whatever you can to protect yourself financially in complete secret. Then you can think what to do which for me would be to leave as I doubt I could forgive the debt but I certainly couldn’t forgive the reaction

Berrie1 · 27/05/2019 17:44

Hi OP,

I haven't read all the posts so this may have been mentioned previously but if you allow the debt to be paid from the mortgage it then becomes a joint liability. If you were to separate you are jointly and severally liable to pay that 42k. I don't know where in the UK you are based but in Scotland, if you do separate and he keeps the debt in his sole name it is still considered a matrimonial debt (ie you are still both responsible for it) but if he has spent the majority of the money on himself and not on the family then you have an argument here for this not to be included in any financial settlement.

Please think very carefully before making any decisions.

Best of luck.

Omzlas · 27/05/2019 20:45

I was thinking about you today OP, I hope you've managed to have a think about things. One thought that occurred to me was could he have taken out anything in your name? Credit cards, loans etc? As PP have said, it's worth getting a credit report for you too, just to make sure. I use Noddle and have found them to be really good

happybunny007 · 27/05/2019 23:00

Oh my god, surely he has a drug problem or something?

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 28/05/2019 01:50

Don't take on his debt. I got into a similar level of debt and getting out of it has taken a whole change of mindset. He needs to live below his means consistently and not be drawn in by credit. That isn't going to happen until he owns his problem, make a solution and sticks with it. It's a journey he needs to go through alone. I know that if someone bailed me out, I'd be back at square one, however I'm two years from being debt free having paid back every single penny.

Cruelstepmother · 28/05/2019 02:48

This goes way, way beyond being greedy and selfish - he has a compulsive shopping disorder and a drinking disorder, and he needs to show he's able to beat them both by managing cold turkey without ANY spending money unless you choose to give him a handout for a specific occasion. If he has any money, you won't know whether he's telling the truth if he says he bought something with his allowance. He needs to commit to therapy for this problem, not act as if it was no biggie. And he needs to be completely open about his bank statements etc so you can see what he has been buying.

It might be possible to put a charge on the house, so that after the mortgage is paid off, you get a lump sum before the remainder is split equally - your solicitor is the obvious first port of call and I don't think you should keep it a secret, there have been too many secrets in your relationship already.

We have a compulsive shopper in the family - over a period of 10 years he spent £20K on collectible toys ffs, luckily not my money! Stepchange would be a better source of help than paying it off and giving him a clean slate to start spending again.

Honeybee85 · 28/05/2019 03:51

OP do as previous posters said and protect yourself. Both me and a friend have been in a situation where an ex that we were at that point cohabiting with, made secret debts behind our backs. This resulted in nursery care not being paid en personal belongings being sold behind her back as for my friend and me constantly feeling terrified that we would lose our home and hiding valuable stuff like jewelry at my parents house because I was afraid it might be taken from me.

My friend and I agreed on 2 things: the stress of losing your home is one of the worst we ever felt and though we strongly hate cheating, we would have prefered our partners do have had sex with 10 other women instead of doing this to us.

We both left these men and are much happier now. My friend was a mum already when this happened to her. Having a child motivated her even more to get out.

Both of our exes are losers who rent a student room or live with their mum and dad now and we are so happy they can’t drag us along anymore into their swamp of debts.

We were both terrified to leave but looking back it was the best decision for a happy future

flapjackfairy · 28/05/2019 04:00

I can't get past the fact that he wants you to work more to pay into the joint account !

snoopy18 · 28/05/2019 05:31

Wow that’s a lot. Don’t risk the mortgage for you & the kids sake. You just don’t know what he will do next. I would be ditching him that’s a lot of financial pressure when you’ve had no part in it.

3luckystars · 28/05/2019 07:57

I think the problem is that the debt was discovered, and he said 'oh let's put it on the mortgage ok
There doesn't seem to be another solution because he can't afford the repayments.

She can't just say 'no thanks' because he is probably putting pressure on her.

You need some space here. This is not your debt. You didn't do this and he doesn't seem like he will even be grateful (refusing to sell his items).

He is probably saying 'but they won't even knock a dent in it, I can't sell them, I would get very little for them etc.'
That tells you what you are dealing with, he is reckless with money and won't learn if he is bailed out.

pisces12 · 28/05/2019 16:28

I would need to know exactly what the £42k was spent on before anything else!