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Original poster

Husband in huge secret debt wwyd.

103 replies

Shaw2be · 26/05/2019 20:54

I knew he was racking up a debt as he has barely any spare money and yet we keep getting parcels delivered and he keeps wearing new clothes which he says "he's had for ages" when questioned. Today he finally confessed to being in debt. The total at 42k after a lot of probing. It started at 12k and then he finally admitted the full amount. He thinks I have no right to be cross because he has come clean and he has set in motion a plan to pay it off. His plan is to remortgage and put it on the house. Which is both of ours and I am incredibly unhappy about this idea. He says for him to pay it off it will take 7 years and in that time he will only have £50 A week to live off. I see no problem with that as I think £50 A week for leisure is fine!! Not including petrol or food!! Whereas if he puts it on the house it will only cost us each an extra £100 A month. I get that we are married and that I should be supportive but I've seen none of this money and I am absolutely furious at him. Things have been tough between us a lot recently. We have 3 young children and he has been drinking heavily every evening and not helping put around the house at all. I currently feel like I want to cut my losses and move on but when we have discussed this over the last weeks he seems really intent on fixing things and this is why he has come clean. However he never accepts that he is in the wrong about anything and always has something or someone to blame. Apparently slight stress turned him into an alcoholic junk spender. I just can't deal with someone so arrogant who won't even apologise! Help me please. What do I do? I want pur kids to have a happy life, and love in a happy home and currently it is not a happy home!

OP posts:
Itsallchange · 26/05/2019 22:21

I’m in a similar situation as you although my STBXH was spending a stupid amount on gambling and was drinking heavily leaving me to manage and look after our children, the house (he did do some cleaning/washing/cooking) and the finances. He never seemed happy and I was walking on egg shells for years before just after my birthday this year I decided no matter how hard it was going to be ultimately in years to come I would be happier, so I’m going through a divorce and it’s scary but I know I’ll be better off, he blamed me for everything and still can’t see what he has done wrong but I’m emotionally detached now and I’m the long run I will be in control of my life for me! 42k is a huge debt to add onto the mortgage especially if in a years time you finally have had enough because the equity in your house would be reduced. Don’t do anything that will mean you’ll be more trapped once you see that life can and will be better xx

PeoniesarePink · 26/05/2019 22:25

I'd speak to a solicitor and separate any finances as quickly as you can. And contact your mortgage provider to warn them that he may try and remortgage the home without your permission.

Let him sort his own shit out, it's not your circus. Just protect yourself from being dragged into it.

bodgersmash · 26/05/2019 22:26

As someone who has just walked away from a 5 year relationship for similar reasons - leave him.

The figure started at £12k and rose. He's done this deceitfully all the way to the end and now wants you to pay half towards his fuck up.

I was terrified about bailiffs coming, the roof over my head never being safe, and whether he'd keep doing it again and again, as well as just about being single again.

It feels like a weight has been lifted and I've not been happier in a long time. I only have myself to rely on, and conversely no-one but me can drag me down either!

Coronapop · 26/05/2019 22:29

£42k is far too much to forgive. He needs to take a second job to pay it off.

WatchingFromTheWings · 26/05/2019 22:36

My ExH ran up debts on credit cards. Remortgaged to clear them. Then ran up more cards, a small loan and a massive overdraft. Then he remortgaged again to clear it all. I took the cards off him and cut them up (with his agreement). I took over the banking.

So when I was at work one evening, he applied for an online credit card account and reported another existing account (that I'd cut up the card for) as lost so they sent him a new one.

When he tried to remortgage a third time, they wouldnt let him. He took out a loan that was tied to the house. When he got into further debt after that, we had to get a debt management agency involved. My credit rating was ruined for years. None of the debts were mine and I certainly didn't benefit from any of it.

When I eventually left him (he was emotionally and financially abusive) I got stung for 50% of the debt, which was offset against my share of the house.

Your DH will only get worse and the longer you stay with him, the more YOU will get stung for when it finally goes tits up.

SausageSimon · 26/05/2019 22:38

My friends mum didn't know her dad was in debt again (she thought he'd sorted himself out) until they were literally thrown out of their home.

They'd had debt collectors coming round for years and he would tell his young daughters (friend and her sister) to hide and not tell mummy.

I couldn't rest living with a man racking up so much debt, he isn't going to change OP sadly.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/05/2019 22:43

You would be mad to not see a solicitor immediately, and equally as mad to stay married to this man. He is addicted to alcohol and spending. Get the fuck out before he completely destroys your life.

LellyMcKelly · 26/05/2019 22:46

He has effectively landed you with £21k of personal debt because he wanted booze and tens of thousands of pounds worth of new outfits. Do NOT under ANY circumstances remortgage your house, even assuming you could get a good deal. Go to CAB and seek their advice. This is money he has effectively stolen from you and your kids if you have any. That’s 42 holidays, or few good cars, or a bigger home near great schools.

MargotMoon · 26/05/2019 22:55

"he seems really intent on fixing things"

He really isn't!! If he was intent on fixing it he would be researching IVAs with Stepchange or Payplan.

Do NOT agree to him securing the debt on your house, you are effectively accepting joint responsibility for it.

TheClitterati · 26/05/2019 22:56

Come on op - he caused this financial disaster. You know his "solution" is ridiculous and he shouldn't be making those decisions for you.

Can u ever trust him again?

C0untDucku1a · 26/05/2019 23:00

Divorce

MissBPotter · 26/05/2019 23:09

He’s intent on fixing things so he can add the debt to the mortgage and get you to pay half - or all of it if he defaults. And as you’re the higher earned you’d probably end up paying the lions’s share anyway. Once he has got you to sign up to the remortgage he will start spending again.

I would 100% be getting legal advice and if he is not sorry he will keep doing it! Definitely would he tempted to Ltb, this is a massive breach of trust. He should he taking on this debt entirely himself and working overtime etc to pay it off. Not endangering his family home to make it easier for him.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 26/05/2019 23:11

I would divorce him.

WipeYourFeetOnTheRhythmRug · 26/05/2019 23:13

the fact he won't sell two high-value items to recover the debt and instead expects you to work extra hours... Hmm.

That pretty much sums up his attitude towards the debt and to you.

Sorry OP, he sounds like a complete waste of space.

MissBPotter · 26/05/2019 23:13

Speak to a solicitor before saying anything? Or is that deceitful?

Why are you so worried about hurting his poor feelings? He won’t even sell stuff that he presumably doesn’t need to help clear the debt. He sounds like he doesn’t give a shit.

You must get legal advice for you and the children’s sake or you could end up homeless!!!

Singlenotsingle · 26/05/2019 23:21

It's an addiction, an illness. He'll do it again if you let him. It's like gambling. And certainly dont let him put it on the mortgage.

D1ary0fcolour · 27/05/2019 00:39

42k of debt must have taken a couple of years to run up. So this is several years of deceit !
Do you have access to view all income & expenses or separate accounts
If he was a good person, he would cut up all credit cards & give you all sole management of family finances & work out a way of paying off the debt
The lying is the worst part

JustHereforHarriet · 27/05/2019 00:48

I would be absolutely infuriated. All that money that could’ve gone to nice things with the kids. Selfish bastard!

NaomifromMilkshake · 27/05/2019 01:15

That didn't all go on clothes.

Some of up went up his nose, some of it up his arm.

A lot of it to his accountant (turf)

You can work your way through this, but he will never change.

I have a friend who worked through £50k of debt run up by her DH but now that things are easing he is starting to spend again, although this time she is all over it like a rash.

In his defence a lot of his was keeping lifestyle balls in the air.

He is the one who told me equity in our property was there to fund our lifestyle,ShockHmm eh no, we are now mortgage free and we started out at more or less at the same time on the same property ladder.

Petitprince · 27/05/2019 01:25

You need to free yourself of this parasite of a husband. You poor thing.

Windmillwhirl · 27/05/2019 01:46

Terrible betrayal. And his attitude stinks. I'd leave him

Lost11235 · 27/05/2019 03:59

He's not remorseful and he won't accept responsibility so I wouldn't expect anything to change. If you put it on the house most likely he'll just start wracking it up again on new credit cards. I couldn't trust him after this, especially when he won't take responsibility.

bollocksitshappenedagain · 27/05/2019 05:27

My stbx was similar although not to that amount.

He is a recovering alcoholic and when he was drinking he would go out spending with no thought or cares. Even when not drinking he is terrible with money.

I was the major earner and it was me that kept the house afloat.

It wasn't to that level but it was constant. Living at the max of overdraft but still signing up for new phone contract. Never paying more than minimum on cc and building it up.

We are now split but he has made no attempt to start paying off the debt despite living with his sister - has accrued more as he is obviously going out living the single life. Relying on the upcoming equity from the house to pay it off.

But never addressing the fundamental fact of spending too much money on complete crap!

Get out now!

HollyBollyBooBoo · 27/05/2019 05:46

Divorce him immediately and get your money out of any shared bank accounts now.

This was not all on clothes, there will be something else like drugs or online gambling.

You can never recover from this level of deceit, you'll be forever checking up on him and it will be completely draining.

Been there, done that!

Wallywobbles · 27/05/2019 06:30

Play clever and divorce. I'd make sure I was the lower earner for a while too. Get a very very good lawyer ASAP.