Think I need to cancel my wedding

[RaspberryRiceCakes]

Ok so have names changed just for this as don't want it connected to other posts.

DP and I are getting married in August this year. We have been together for 12 years, have 1 DC ages 2, and we own our home jointly.

For years he has been a bit secretive about money, got a bit weird if I asked how much money he had left over after bills etc. We have a joint account and we pay equal amounts into it so not like he doesn't pay his way, but he just whacks everything else on a credit card...coffee, petrol, food shop etc. It builds up and up until it's out of control. I eventually find out about it, we figure a way to pay it off and then he promises to be better with his money, cancel the card etc. He has pretty average credit despite debt years ago but he can only get high interest rate credit cards also so the payments are usually very high. I on the other hand have very good credit.

This cycle continues over and over and we now have an 18k loan which is a consolidation of a number of his credit cards/finance and some other unfortunate large spends when we were short of cash because he took a large pay cut -another thread entirely-. He now has a better paid job again and we are doing ok financially. I thought this was it though and all the debt was just this one manageable monthly payment. We had a very frank conversation months ago after the last lot of credit card debt was discovered. We discussed remortgaging later in the year and take some equity out of the house to get rid of it. However I have since found out he has 2 credit cards each with 1K+ on (he told me he only had about £300 on 1, and last month he took out an 8.5k loan!!! He has at least paid off the credit cards as the payment on the loan is much less than the credit cards, but I don't know how he was planning on explaining the extra 6k. He has also booked us a holiday for next year which he doesn't know I've seen the paperwork for. That still leaves 4k. I also don't know how he was planning on explaining the loan when we came to remortgage.

I first got suspicious because he started spending money on clothes, not expensive really but I know he wouldn't have much spare cash. He also gave me his card details to pay for something for the wedding which he said was his credit card (that we would pay off with the money we were waiting for) but they were in fact is debit card details, this was £500 and I know he definitely wouldn't have that much spare.

Our wedding is costing under 3k and we have had money gifted to help with this anyway so no financial pressure there. There's less than 1K left to pay.

I have confronted him about it last night and he has done his usual deny deny deny. I haven't shown my hand yet on how I know 100% (bank statement) but I've told him something has shown up on my credit report as he is a linked associate. Still deny deny deny. He's stated he was 'just looking' and applied for one but cancelled it before he received any money as the rate was different after he'd gone through the application.

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and this morning has been frosty. He's gone out for a bit and I've sent him a long text basically saying I'm not angry about the actual loan, I'm angry about the denial. That he must thing I'm a right mug, I'm insulted he things I'm so dumb. I said I'm not prepared to enter a marriage based on lies and he's basically text back saying, we'll make sure you do it today and text everyone to let them know. So he's calling my bluff.

Still complete and utter denial 🤷‍♀️ like, HE is the dumb one isn't he?? What do I do? I really don't want to end things, I love him very much and things are good in every other aspect. But I just don't get why he takes me for such a mug when it comes to money/hidden debt.

(Also large debt can seriously effect my job...I've applied for a new job internally and will have to go through more strict vetting if I get it, and large debt can apparently leave you open to bribes so I would probably fail it )

Sorry for the extremely long post.

Then you can pay your share of the debt out of your share of the equity.

I would be really wary of making such an offer to him as

A) You don't know how much debt there actually is
B) He may see it as carte blanche to run up more debt before you can sell.

He doesn't care about me or DC

Why are you giving so much energy to this?

I'm another one to say that you should leave, OP, and I don't say that lightly.

DH was like this with money when we first got together. He racked up a big debt and lied about it. When I confronted him I told him that lying and bad money management were both deal breakers for me. I used savings to pay off his debt and he lived like a pauper for months so that he could repay me as quickly as possible (his choice). I taught him how to manage his money - his parents are dreadful with it and no one had ever taught him what to do.

That was 11 years ago and we have never had a repeat of it. He is excellent with budgeting, saving and financial planning and has a perfect credit score.

The reason I say this is that everybody makes mistakes and should be given the chance to make amends, but if they keep making them it shows either that they don't care enough to change, or that they can't. Either way, this is not the life you want. It will bring you nothing but mistrust and misery.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!

I couldn't live like this, it would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

He's a liar, you can't trust him. I wouldn't ever feel safe or secure, always wondering if we're financially fine or on the brink of bankruptcy! Who knows?!

Unless you're going to spend the rest of your life playing detective and paying off his selfish and quite ridiculous debt, then get out now. People like this rarely change.

Please OP do not marry him. My friend almost lost her home as her DH took out so many loans to gamble. Please do not tie yourself legally to him and his debts.

Cancel the wedding. It wasn' this bluff to call, it was your sad conclusion on finding out about his further endebtedness and lies

Sell the house.

Take your 50%, he can pay the debt he has racked up out of his share. You don't HAVE to pay any of it, that holiday etc that you had the enjoyment of wouldn't have happened if he had been sensible. But you could work out a ball park figure and gift it to him AFTER you have the money in your bank account.

You have to think defensively now, defending yourself and your DC. He won't. You can't rely on him to do anything sensible. So don't marry him, don't formally mix your finances.

So stop mothering him, stop trying to make it all alright for him. He has to do that for himself. Dumping him onto hs own resources is all you can do. Unless you want to spend the next 50 some odd years anxiously scanning his bank statements and worrying over finances.

Honestly OP, he's likely to be unable to make much of a contribution to DC upkeep once you split, given his financial ineptitude and his inability to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks, so you need your head screwed on.

You would be foolish to be overly generous at this point.

I don't know why you'd sell the house, pay the debt and split the rest. Surely you'd split the equity and it's up to him to pay off his debts.

I just hate the feeling of being a failure
OP, you are not a failure. Not at all. Staying with a partner like this is already destroying your self-belief.

You can't trust this man: he thinks it's okay to lie to you to save his own pride. Do you want to marry someone you can't trust?

And no, pending money on expensive coffees and so on when you have a massive debt to pay down is just bloody stupid and self-indulgent.

to posters who have had years of this sort of shit. My father was terrible with money and it was horrible seeing what my DM put up with.

If by ‘on the road’ you mean in the course of his job then surely he has an expense account and a daily allowance to cover this spending?

HMRC guideline for snacks is £5 per day on territory for the individual, more obviously if entertaining customers/clients plus more for evening meals etc.

Doesnt he take a packed lunch or meal prep in any way? He’s wasting his time paying for the gym if he’s guzzling chocolate & McDonalds in the car. His life just seems so chaotic with no focus.

Please think carefully about leaving him. Something doesnt add up.

You literally can't afford to marry this man I'm afraid.

You've considered remortgaging the house, to pay off his debts. Really think about that. Your home. The safety net of you and your child. Potentially gone.

Having read your posts about his childhood experience, it does sound like it could be a reaction to that. But that can't be your problem to solve. It just can't - especially when he's not willing to do the counselling etc.

I'm really sorry, it's such a shitty situation

Also large debt can seriously effect my job...I've applied for a new job internally and will have to go through more strict vetting if I get it, and large debt can apparently leave you open to bribes so I would probably fail it sad)

This is potentially damaging your career and probably credit rating. You and DC need to come first.

If you carry on as you are OP, then you are giving him very mixed messages, going on yet another expensive, surprise holiday is surely just encouraging him. I think you know that you need to toughen up and forego some of the stuff that you enjoy too, including a very, very unwise wedding.

OP, please read what @wonderwhat wrote. You are mithering about this man like he's your teenage son. I doubt he thinks about you when he's wracking up his endless debts.

Please don't feel a failure OP.

Are the debts in joint names or just his?
Split, sell up, then he can pay his debts with any equity and you walk away with your half of the equity, minus any of your debts. Do not pay his debts before you split the equity.

I think you already know the answer OP. If you can't trust him, then you shouldn't marry him. It doesn't matter whether the lying is about alcohol, sex or money - it is still deceit.

Habitual liars rarely change, so unless he's prepared to get long term help AND hand over financial responsibility to you, then your future together is grim. Even then, how will you ever know the change is permanent? If you stay with him, be prepared for a lifetime of uncertainty.

ExH was like this. I felt guilty as I was a SAHM
He lied lots, about debt, and God knows what else. It never stopped.

I will never ever share finances with anyone again. I don't have much, but I have very minimal debt, and that feels great.

If you're having doubts do NOT go through with the wedding. At the very least delay it. A close relative had a partner with a similar sounding background and was "doing better" than his family, although he too was terrible with money.

Relative had doubts but went ahead. She paid the deposit on a house, mortgage, helped re his debts and bills - he literally spent more than he earned the entire time they were together. When she finally saw the light and divorced his debts were factored in and she had to pay him his share of the equity. They were married less than 4 years.

It wasn't just about the money in the end it was trust / deceit and lack of respect for her.

And if you stand to inherit money in the future, do you want to run the risk of him laying claim to it when the time comes?

I wouldn’t pay towards his debt from equity. Fuck it, you didn’t know you it was all on the never never.

My dh did similar. Thousands in loans and credit cards. Keeping them from me. Not telling me how much money was laft etc. Turns out he was leading a double life when he was 'working away' during the week.

He is now my ex!

Whatthe totally. I didn’t see a penny of my DMs inheritance and it hurts to know how he squandered her very hard earned life savings. It felt like a betrayal of her as well as me. Once people get used to lying and manipulation there’s no depths to which they cannot sink in my experience.

Marriage should be an equal partnership
You won't have that with this man
Cancel the wedding at the very least

And if you still think there is hope see a financial counselor together
However in my experience lies like this mean you never regain trust

He won't change

You can love someone and they still be completely the wrong person to be in a relationship with - no shame in drawing a hard line in the sand and not accepting this behavior