Think I need to cancel my wedding

[RaspberryRiceCakes]

Ok so have names changed just for this as don't want it connected to other posts.

DP and I are getting married in August this year. We have been together for 12 years, have 1 DC ages 2, and we own our home jointly.

For years he has been a bit secretive about money, got a bit weird if I asked how much money he had left over after bills etc. We have a joint account and we pay equal amounts into it so not like he doesn't pay his way, but he just whacks everything else on a credit card...coffee, petrol, food shop etc. It builds up and up until it's out of control. I eventually find out about it, we figure a way to pay it off and then he promises to be better with his money, cancel the card etc. He has pretty average credit despite debt years ago but he can only get high interest rate credit cards also so the payments are usually very high. I on the other hand have very good credit.

This cycle continues over and over and we now have an 18k loan which is a consolidation of a number of his credit cards/finance and some other unfortunate large spends when we were short of cash because he took a large pay cut -another thread entirely-. He now has a better paid job again and we are doing ok financially. I thought this was it though and all the debt was just this one manageable monthly payment. We had a very frank conversation months ago after the last lot of credit card debt was discovered. We discussed remortgaging later in the year and take some equity out of the house to get rid of it. However I have since found out he has 2 credit cards each with 1K+ on (he told me he only had about £300 on 1, and last month he took out an 8.5k loan!!! He has at least paid off the credit cards as the payment on the loan is much less than the credit cards, but I don't know how he was planning on explaining the extra 6k. He has also booked us a holiday for next year which he doesn't know I've seen the paperwork for. That still leaves 4k. I also don't know how he was planning on explaining the loan when we came to remortgage.

I first got suspicious because he started spending money on clothes, not expensive really but I know he wouldn't have much spare cash. He also gave me his card details to pay for something for the wedding which he said was his credit card (that we would pay off with the money we were waiting for) but they were in fact is debit card details, this was £500 and I know he definitely wouldn't have that much spare.

Our wedding is costing under 3k and we have had money gifted to help with this anyway so no financial pressure there. There's less than 1K left to pay.

I have confronted him about it last night and he has done his usual deny deny deny. I haven't shown my hand yet on how I know 100% (bank statement) but I've told him something has shown up on my credit report as he is a linked associate. Still deny deny deny. He's stated he was 'just looking' and applied for one but cancelled it before he received any money as the rate was different after he'd gone through the application.

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and this morning has been frosty. He's gone out for a bit and I've sent him a long text basically saying I'm not angry about the actual loan, I'm angry about the denial. That he must thing I'm a right mug, I'm insulted he things I'm so dumb. I said I'm not prepared to enter a marriage based on lies and he's basically text back saying, we'll make sure you do it today and text everyone to let them know. So he's calling my bluff.

Still complete and utter denial 🤷‍♀️ like, HE is the dumb one isn't he?? What do I do? I really don't want to end things, I love him very much and things are good in every other aspect. But I just don't get why he takes me for such a mug when it comes to money/hidden debt.

(Also large debt can seriously effect my job...I've applied for a new job internally and will have to go through more strict vetting if I get it, and large debt can apparently leave you open to bribes so I would probably fail it )

Sorry for the extremely long post.

Ranty you are so right.

He is 30 years old. Has had about 30 jobs in the time I have known him. Racked up and hidden so much debt and lied about it all. He doesn't care about me or DC.

He started counselling but didn't like it so stopped going. It was more about the other issues of him growing up in an abusive home, and he has dealt with things much better since so it helped in a way but I don't know if he will it a chance again.

As much as I really do want to give him 1 last chance I just don't think I can trust him enough not to do it again. He was sworn blind he's told me everything before and then more debt comes to light. I can't have that for the rest of my life.

Just don't know how I'm going to sort all of this now. Thankfully we had someone not long ago interested in our house despite us not wanting to sell yet, so maybe this is our chance to sell the house, pay off ALL of the debt and split the rest, there's enough equity to do it. I can move back to my DPs with DC but god knows what he will do, he is NC with ALL of his family now because ironically, he didn't agree with some of their irresponsible life decisions 😂

I was reading a thread yesterday by someone I follow on twitter, about how childhood financial problems can lead to feeling deep seated shame about money, I have thought of that reading your posts op.
Perhaps your partner also has feelings of shame and panic around money, and is stuck in a chaotic pattern of trying to appear affluent while racking up debt, in order to alleviate the shame.
I will go to twitter and try and find the posts.

Yes that sounds very much like it could be the case SirVix

DO NOT MARRY
even if you carry on living together you will end up re mortgaging to clear debt and never getting equity to pay of capital and eventual you could be homeless because you own the house together your finances are linked

to be honest you should live apart the financial stress will affect your mental health and you will just end up splitting 3,5,7 years down the line with even less to show for it and possibly your child being more hurt at a split then than now

marriage is about more than love/lust you need trust, you can't trust him with money
don't fall for sunk costs fallacy better to lose deposit on wedding and holiday than to pour more money away
a wedding ring unless engraved can be returned

This was the thread op.

OP
If there's a mis-match in a partnership as fundamental as trust and views towards finances, then I think you know the answer.

Thanks for sharing. Definitely think there is an element of that to this situation.

The sad truth is his whole family are on very low income/benefits. I know he has tried hard to better himself so he isn't like the rest of them, and in comparison we are doing a lot better in that we own our own home and both have reasonably well paid respectable jobs etc but it's all a front, we are frauds. We are in debt up to our eyeballs. I'm just thankful that for now we can afford the monthly payments. I can well imagine how people end up bankrupt or killing them selves because there is no other way out.

I agree do not marry. Doesn’t mean you can’t continue to have a relationship, but don’t tether your wagon to this particular horse.

@RaspberryRiceCakes

It really would be best. 30 jobs in the time you've known him is not normal. Has he ever talked to you before quitting or he just quits?

Did he contribute any when you bought your home? Down payment? Credit?

Write down all the irresponsible things he's done over the years, and read it back to yourself. You and your DC deserve much better than this.

He doesn't care about me or DC
Actually, regardless of trust or finances, this alone is your answer.

If you are sure he isn't using prostitutes, which is a whole other problem, you need to put your foot down hard. I have one friend who lost her house, and another who is looking at a poverty stricken old age, in spite of having good family income. The lying is awful, the anxiety of living on shifting sands, never being secure wears you down imperceptibly. This behaviour is like being an alcoholic, you are enabling it. Postpone your wedding at least. Don't consider marrying him till HE has paid off his debt and changed his ways. He needs to go to debt management, maybe counselling. It would be better if he doesn't have access to credit. Start putting money away yourself, you may need it. Don't rely on inheritance, it may not happen. Sorry you are hooked up with this loser, you both need to toughen up and learn to say no. You to him, and him to temptation. Set joint goals if you want to but don't let him fleece you.

30 jobs? You just couldn’t trust him op could you.

Imagine getting divorced from a man like this. There would be so much coming out of the woodwork that you would be liable for.

The thing is OP, you are spending an awful lot of time thinking about him, his motivations, his actions and spending a lot of emotional energy on him. So much discussion on him and why he does what he does and his childhood etc. Does he spend that sort of psychological energy thinking about you when he spends more money? He doesn’t does he. You are spending a lot of your waking hours focused on him. What about you? Imagine what you could be doing with your life if you didn’t have this huge drain on your mental and emotional well-being.

Obviously before we had DC and the house it wasn't so much of an issue etc, and we lived in another country for some time so there were several job changes over there and then when we got back, just so we had money he would take any job so we had money. He did quit his last job without telling me though and I was absolutely FUMING but he really was very very stressed, not sleeping or eating etc and working so may extra hours to meet targets he couldn't reach for no extra pay, he doesn't get stressed at all usually. But I've known about all the others, and until the one where he took a big pay drop and then another, he has always been making moves up, so more money, more responsibility etc. Then it went on a downward spirals it's only really since then that the debt got so much worse. For years it bumbled along and wasn't ever THAT bad.

And yes we equally contributed to the house.

and the only person who can help him is him. It’s like an alcoholic. They say not to facilitate or protect because they have to want to get better on their own. You are constantly facilitating his spending addiction by making plans to remortgage etc. That’s his comfort blanket. He knows in the back of his mind you will always work out how to bail him out. If you truly love him, make him stand on his own two feet and sort his own debt problems out. Postpone the wedding, make him move out and tell him to come back when he’s had 6 months of addiction counselling.

That man is going to drag you to the gutter
Dump and run

This behaviour is like being an alcoholic

So true. I said this exact thing to him when I sent the long text.

I feel so sad for you OP, but you're making the right decision.

I've not read all the responses but thus is very bad.

Think of this logically. Where has the money gone? If you cannot see physical evidence, such as new purchases then you MUST follow the finanicial train.

This will be hard to take in but I am assuming he's using it to fund another lifestyle. Honestly, that's the only explanation I can see.

In that case you raise his bluff and call it off. Poker face. It's your money he's using and that isn't right.

I'm so sorry

@RaspberryRiceCakes

I was married to my ex when I found out about his deceit wrt debt and other things it was the death knell for me. We divorced the following year, and it wasn't the debt. It was the deceit.

I've just read another of your messages. If he has incurred debt using your good name then you need to remove him from the house.

He's committing financial fraud. It is not your responsibility to bail him out. Again.

so maybe this is our chance to sell the house, pay off ALL of the debt and split the rest, there's enough equity to do it

Sorry but I don't think it's fair on you or your DC to do this. Why would you split the equity AFTER paying the debt? You may as well get married if you want to do this! You split the equity and then it is up to him what he does with his share. Either he pays off his debt or he spends it all.

Just went through last months bank statement and it's about £700 of 20 quid here. £10 quid there spends. Greggs for lunch, McDonald's, Costa before work, Sainsbury's and Asda for snacks (when he's on the road) petrol station, the gym (which will be coffee) the list goes on. I'm always finding coffee cups and food wrappers in the car. That's ridiculous right??

Because some of the debt is mine and I just feel I have benefitted from some of the debt cuppy (holidays etc) and couldn't even begin to work out how much is my share. Definitely not 10k but still.