Think I need to cancel my wedding

[RaspberryRiceCakes]

Ok so have names changed just for this as don't want it connected to other posts.

DP and I are getting married in August this year. We have been together for 12 years, have 1 DC ages 2, and we own our home jointly.

For years he has been a bit secretive about money, got a bit weird if I asked how much money he had left over after bills etc. We have a joint account and we pay equal amounts into it so not like he doesn't pay his way, but he just whacks everything else on a credit card...coffee, petrol, food shop etc. It builds up and up until it's out of control. I eventually find out about it, we figure a way to pay it off and then he promises to be better with his money, cancel the card etc. He has pretty average credit despite debt years ago but he can only get high interest rate credit cards also so the payments are usually very high. I on the other hand have very good credit.

This cycle continues over and over and we now have an 18k loan which is a consolidation of a number of his credit cards/finance and some other unfortunate large spends when we were short of cash because he took a large pay cut -another thread entirely-. He now has a better paid job again and we are doing ok financially. I thought this was it though and all the debt was just this one manageable monthly payment. We had a very frank conversation months ago after the last lot of credit card debt was discovered. We discussed remortgaging later in the year and take some equity out of the house to get rid of it. However I have since found out he has 2 credit cards each with 1K+ on (he told me he only had about £300 on 1, and last month he took out an 8.5k loan!!! He has at least paid off the credit cards as the payment on the loan is much less than the credit cards, but I don't know how he was planning on explaining the extra 6k. He has also booked us a holiday for next year which he doesn't know I've seen the paperwork for. That still leaves 4k. I also don't know how he was planning on explaining the loan when we came to remortgage.

I first got suspicious because he started spending money on clothes, not expensive really but I know he wouldn't have much spare cash. He also gave me his card details to pay for something for the wedding which he said was his credit card (that we would pay off with the money we were waiting for) but they were in fact is debit card details, this was £500 and I know he definitely wouldn't have that much spare.

Our wedding is costing under 3k and we have had money gifted to help with this anyway so no financial pressure there. There's less than 1K left to pay.

I have confronted him about it last night and he has done his usual deny deny deny. I haven't shown my hand yet on how I know 100% (bank statement) but I've told him something has shown up on my credit report as he is a linked associate. Still deny deny deny. He's stated he was 'just looking' and applied for one but cancelled it before he received any money as the rate was different after he'd gone through the application.

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and this morning has been frosty. He's gone out for a bit and I've sent him a long text basically saying I'm not angry about the actual loan, I'm angry about the denial. That he must thing I'm a right mug, I'm insulted he things I'm so dumb. I said I'm not prepared to enter a marriage based on lies and he's basically text back saying, we'll make sure you do it today and text everyone to let them know. So he's calling my bluff.

Still complete and utter denial 🤷‍♀️ like, HE is the dumb one isn't he?? What do I do? I really don't want to end things, I love him very much and things are good in every other aspect. But I just don't get why he takes me for such a mug when it comes to money/hidden debt.

(Also large debt can seriously effect my job...I've applied for a new job internally and will have to go through more strict vetting if I get it, and large debt can apparently leave you open to bribes so I would probably fail it )

Sorry for the extremely long post.

I think you’re right. You need to cancel. You can’t trust him and this is an ongoing problem which he is not facing if he is blatantly lying to you.

What does he need 8 grand for?

Cancel the wedding if you can’t live like this for the rest of your days.
My DB is seriously bad with money.
He has no cards and gets an allowance each day for coffee, lunch etc. it is the only way they can stay out of debt and he accepts this.

I couldn’t be with someone I couldn’t trust to be honest with me about money (and everything else!).

Cancel the wedding, then work out if this is a deal breaker for you.

Don't just cancel the wedding - cancel your relationship.

How can you be with someone who you can't trust and who jeopardises your means of making a living at the same time? In a few years you could be £30k+ in debt with no means of ever paying it off.

If he's like this now, he will just get worse later on.

How will you feel if you have DC? In Maternity leave you will be vulnerable financially, and he will not be able to support you. And childcare costs? If you can't live in what you both earn now without him going into debt constantly, how will he shoulder his share of those costs, or will he see them as 'your' costs?

You need to end it. You must put yourself before him. Only start a family with someone you can trust with your emotions and your finances.

I have no idea Rocket he also said the amount he applied for and cancelled was 4K so again another lie and trying to minimise.

I have thought about doing that Weenurse but I know for a fact he would not be prepared to do that. He's against anything like this as he sees it as 'controlling'...his father was physically abusive and financially controlling so I do get it, but for the sake of our relationship and future I would hope he would change his mind. I feel like he would still find a way to get around it too, with online banking etc it would be easily done.

It's the lies that would be the final strAw for me too. You e given him a chance to come clean and he's still denied it. What else could he be lying about

Vetting wise OP I think you should be okay - essentially even with large debt for vetting it’s checking it is manageable. If you are always defaulting on payments then it wouldn’t be, if that makes sense? Is it management vetting you are going for?

I think you do need to have a long hard think about things as it’s the lies that would get to me, as previous poster has said what if you go on to have children? How will the childcare costs be covered. You would potentially leave yourself open to him just racking up more and more debt.

If you do stay together and get married I would look at remortgage and using the excess £ to pay off the debts to reduce the monthly payments

We do have 1 DC Hypatia, thankfully mat leave was fine as I had planned ahead with savings etc, and we haven't had to pay for childcare until 6 months ago, I work 3 days a week (compresses hours) and DC get funded hours soon so that's not a problem now but you are right if we want another DC in the future.

I know you are all right I need to cancel. How do you end things with the love of your life??

I’d cancel in your shoes.

You’ve taken out loans and decided to remortgaged your house to pay off debts, he’s run up without your knowledge.

He lies to you! Stop letting him walk all over you.

I’m sorry but I don’t know how you can contemplate not cancelling the wedding? He’s a lier!

I was engaged to someone like that, in fact he wasn't half as bad as your fiancé! I found a debt about 10 weeks before the wedding and we had an arguement. He left saying he didn't want to be with me anymore. It was all cancelled. It turned out that he had also been seeing someone else (he tried to blame that on me too because I controlled him etc). It was a hideous time, very upsetting and very public because of the cancelled wedding, but it was definitely a good thing in the long run. You can't live a decent life with someone that lies and hides things from you and gets grumpy/blames you if you find out.

Well he is calling your bluff on your ultimatum so now you either back down or go ahead with the cancellation.
He won't change if you back down. He probably won't change if you cancel but there's a tiny chance he might realise he can't keep lying to you.

You've already given him plenty of chances.

Sorry x posted.

You tell him you can’t be lied to anymore.
You’ve given him lots of chances to change and he is showing you he isn’t willing to, do for the sake of your Dds future, you need to separate.

The only way I’d give him another chance is if he agreed to some kind of counselling. He needs to go and talk about why he thinks it’s ok to lie to his partner, and spend money which he doesn’t have.

Pppppppp123 that makes sense then. We have never defaulted and are making regular payments so hopefully this won't effect anything then. Not management level no, but a department that is top secret and deals with the most serious issues if that makes sense without going too much into it.

He might be the love of your life but your not the love of his.
If you were he wouldn’t keep putting you in this position.
Cut your losses and get out now while you still have your own finances.
Totally disassociate yourself from this twat.

But even if he agrees to counselling I’d still cancel the wedding!

Blimey, what an idiot he is! The whole denial malarkey would be ringing huge alarm bells for me.
Would you be liable for half of the debts if you got married? (Sorry, don't know much about this sort of thing)

He will keep doing it and doing it to you, just think of the unadded pressure and stress and worry you won't have if you walk away.you don't want to be financially tied to him for the rest of your life.

Life with somebody who is incompetent with money is stressful and full of uncertainties.

Life with someone who lies to you is just miserable, and it will probably chip away at your confidence as the years ago.

You have a very hard decision to make, but I think you know which way you need to go.

I have no idea rainbow will have to look into that. Admittedly some of it is my debt too. But not much of it.

And to the couple that have suggested it, I have never found any evidence of cheating etc and I know you can never really know for sure but I don't think it's about that.

He's not into gambling, drinking or drugs, might make it easier to understand if he were, at least I'd know what he's spending all his money on.

I know I need to have a long hard think about how we go forward. I always read threads and sit there open mouthed about how women stay with their partners, but all along I'm sat there with a partner that's got us into thousands of pounds of debt behind my back.

For me the lying is a deal breaker never mind the potential huge debt. Sorry you're in this position. In my experience they don't change.

I know someone who married someone who accrued secret debts. They ended up bankrupt and they divorced and she has had a very tough time moving on as the debt was linked with her too. You have facilitated his behaviour by ‘sorting’ his debts out and even in your OP you said you weren’t angry about the loan just that he lied .... I mean really.... his attitude to money is putting you and your DC at risk

I hope it's not gambling but I wouldn't exclude that.