Think I need to cancel my wedding

[RaspberryRiceCakes]

Ok so have names changed just for this as don't want it connected to other posts.

DP and I are getting married in August this year. We have been together for 12 years, have 1 DC ages 2, and we own our home jointly.

For years he has been a bit secretive about money, got a bit weird if I asked how much money he had left over after bills etc. We have a joint account and we pay equal amounts into it so not like he doesn't pay his way, but he just whacks everything else on a credit card...coffee, petrol, food shop etc. It builds up and up until it's out of control. I eventually find out about it, we figure a way to pay it off and then he promises to be better with his money, cancel the card etc. He has pretty average credit despite debt years ago but he can only get high interest rate credit cards also so the payments are usually very high. I on the other hand have very good credit.

This cycle continues over and over and we now have an 18k loan which is a consolidation of a number of his credit cards/finance and some other unfortunate large spends when we were short of cash because he took a large pay cut -another thread entirely-. He now has a better paid job again and we are doing ok financially. I thought this was it though and all the debt was just this one manageable monthly payment. We had a very frank conversation months ago after the last lot of credit card debt was discovered. We discussed remortgaging later in the year and take some equity out of the house to get rid of it. However I have since found out he has 2 credit cards each with 1K+ on (he told me he only had about £300 on 1, and last month he took out an 8.5k loan!!! He has at least paid off the credit cards as the payment on the loan is much less than the credit cards, but I don't know how he was planning on explaining the extra 6k. He has also booked us a holiday for next year which he doesn't know I've seen the paperwork for. That still leaves 4k. I also don't know how he was planning on explaining the loan when we came to remortgage.

I first got suspicious because he started spending money on clothes, not expensive really but I know he wouldn't have much spare cash. He also gave me his card details to pay for something for the wedding which he said was his credit card (that we would pay off with the money we were waiting for) but they were in fact is debit card details, this was £500 and I know he definitely wouldn't have that much spare.

Our wedding is costing under 3k and we have had money gifted to help with this anyway so no financial pressure there. There's less than 1K left to pay.

I have confronted him about it last night and he has done his usual deny deny deny. I haven't shown my hand yet on how I know 100% (bank statement) but I've told him something has shown up on my credit report as he is a linked associate. Still deny deny deny. He's stated he was 'just looking' and applied for one but cancelled it before he received any money as the rate was different after he'd gone through the application.

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and this morning has been frosty. He's gone out for a bit and I've sent him a long text basically saying I'm not angry about the actual loan, I'm angry about the denial. That he must thing I'm a right mug, I'm insulted he things I'm so dumb. I said I'm not prepared to enter a marriage based on lies and he's basically text back saying, we'll make sure you do it today and text everyone to let them know. So he's calling my bluff.

Still complete and utter denial 🤷‍♀️ like, HE is the dumb one isn't he?? What do I do? I really don't want to end things, I love him very much and things are good in every other aspect. But I just don't get why he takes me for such a mug when it comes to money/hidden debt.

(Also large debt can seriously effect my job...I've applied for a new job internally and will have to go through more strict vetting if I get it, and large debt can apparently leave you open to bribes so I would probably fail it )

Sorry for the extremely long post.

This is uncomfortable for me to post but I am shit with money and have been in your DHs position. Secret loans, credit ca

Although the lying would piss me off, tbh.

At this point in time you will be entering into a marriage with someone who has
A) lied to you, multiple times.
B) made the same mistake more than once.
C) potentially jeopardised your children's and your future.

You are carrying him and minimising his actions in the process.

I speak from experience in that I was the one that was shit with money. Constantly had people bailing me out.
It wasn't until I went off on my own, stopped asking people for bail outs and stopped relying on someone else to pick up the mess, that I dealt with the consequences myself and finally learnt how to control my finances.

Your DP is relying on you to pick up the mess. Because you will. Because you've done it before. You didnt leave before so what's going to make him change his behaviour?

In this case, he really needs to learn on his own. Unfortunately, you are now tied to him - joint accounts and such. Perhaps you need to split your joint accounts, start separating your finances and protect yourself and your DC from his fuck ups.

Because he will fuck this up. It's inevitable.

Delay the wedding. Let him attempt to get his shit together. Separate your accounts until he can be trusted and show that he has full control of his finances. If he does, yay, the wedding is back on. If he doesn't, well... then he's clearly showing you the answer there.

I guess he thinks it's a nice thing to do Rocket. I have been dying for a holiday and mentioned we wouldn't be able to afford one his yet due to the wedding. It's booked for next year.

I think he also feels he needs to 'keep up' if you know what I mean. He doesn't like not having money as that's all he has ever know. He wants to appear better than we are. He has a friend who is in about 40k + £££ in foreigners but makes weird financial decisions but I think when they chat about money etc he feels he needs to show that we have money and can do/have nice things.

He does say he doesn't want me to worry but even when I beg him to be honest with me, I won't be mad, we can sort it (I have tried all approaches over the years) he still won't come clean Chocolate

Can I ask why you've hidden it Sea

Ridiculous to be getting in debt for a holiday, with no plan on how to pay it off. Does he think he has some sort of a right to have an expensive holiday?

This is hard to post but I have been in your DHs position. Secret loans, credit card debt, paying off debt with debt.

It is a denial type of mindset. You get a a loan, pay off the card and promise yourself you won’t use the card anymore. Then you do so it starts all over again.

My DH gave me a year to sort it out or he would leave. In the end, I had counselling to try and understand why I was like it. It stems from very frugal upbringing and just liking ‘stuff’.

I am much better now and have no credit cards but we are still paying off debt but in a planned way. DH and I now have a really good money management system that we both go over monthly. I don’t trust myself with ‘extra’ money and I try really hard not to do any unplanned spending. If I see something I want to buy, I take a photo and plan to budget for it. I almost always end up not buying it because I don’t need it.

It has been a slog and I’ve had to face up to this pretty horrible flaw in my personality.

If you think he has any will to change, he can but he has to want to and it’s not your responsibility to manage him.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am really grateful for my DH giving me a chance but I would never advocate you doing that unless your DP is 100% committed.

I agree Hypatia. I guess he does. The aforementioned friend has recently booked £5k holiday so has probably felt a pang of jealousy.

If you decide to stay with him then for God’s sake don’t marry him. You’ll become jointly responsible for any debts he wracks up. Don’t let him ruin your financial stability any more than he already has.

The lies are also a massive problem. How can you trust a word he says?

Cancelling is cheaper than a divorce barrister. You deserve more than marrying a man who lies to you.

He will always be like this.

I’m afraid this will keep happening... every 6 months to a year you’ll end up having to either remortgage or take a loan out to pay off his debts.

To put this into perspective, my (now ex) dh, managed to accumulate about 96k worth of debt over 12 years. He bought the family home for 36k and when we got divorced it was worth 130k, but we had a mortgage of about 100k and a few loans. I ended up defaulting on a loan as it was in my name when we separated and it took me ages to get my credit rating back up.

This was all down to his inability to accept that he couldn’t just have stuff when he wanted. He didn’t gamble either, it was just over spending on his behalf.

Marriage means you’ll be forever on the back foot financialjy, and inheritance means paying off debt, not enhancing your life

This thread reminds me of the time I came home from work and XH was happily planting about £120 worth of plants in the front garden, watched over by adoring MIL.

I asked him how much they were as I knew we couldn't afford it. MIL told me off, saying "You should be grateful he is doing all this for you"

I didn't tell her it meant I would have to borrow money from a relative very quickly in order to cover the mortgage.

Is that how you want to live OP? I wonder just how controlling his dad really was with money?

Thank you for sharing Sea

You get a a loan, pay off the card and promise yourself you won’t use the card anymore. Then you do so it starts all over again.

Definitely this is the case.

I wonder just how controlling his dad really was with money?

He left them homeless and penniless.

That's another thing, he will also lie about the cost of things. So for example he went and got DC new clothes about a year ago, said they were all really cheap in the sale, has no reason to not believe him. Then months later I found the receipt and they were over £100.

So he was controlling with money in the same way as DP is?

What I was getting at is, don't let him paint you as the bad guy/the controlling one. You aren't, you are just trying over and over to help him.

You are enabling your DP to behave like this, albeit with the best of intentions. Because you sort out his mess. He's never being made to live with any consequences of his spending.

I think you need to hold off the wedding, and make him take responsibility this time. He's an adult, and is making this choice. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind

Yes cuppy, he would spend all their money on drinking and gambling (wasn't going to mention but this I how I know he won't gamble) but would keep his DMs wages from her so they had nothing. Eventually lost their home and she still, about 18 years later lives with her own parents. She is also very bad with money now because she has never had it. She didn't even know how to use a bank card.

A family member was in a similar situation to you when she discovered her fiancée had hidden debts. Instead of calling off the wedding, she was swayed by his promises to change (and to be fair he took on a second job for a while to pay off the money owed). After a few years she discovered he was in huge debt again and divorced him. She ended up losing her home and going bankrupt because their joint debts were too big to pay off. She has never been able to get another mortgage.

Please don’t marry this man because he will ruin your career and your future financial security. This man could still be a good father (although he will probably not always pay maintenance for his DC) but he will always be a terrible partner for you. You need to break up with him because he has no respect for you and you can’t trust him.

That's why he doesn't want me to control the finances, because he saw what it did to his DM.

2 things can ruin a relationship.
Sex and Money
I'd rather have a partner who is rubbish at sex than rubbish with money

He doesn't sound like a very stable or trustworthy person - certainly not marriage material.

Habitual massive debt due to, well, we dont actually know, unhealthy lifestyle/eating habits leading to wright gain, continually lying about his spending and debt, FOUR jobs in eighteen months. How old is he OP? He seems to be acting like a student and why does he keep booking holidays you cant afford? I dont mean to be harsh and I know you say he’s the love of your life but I fail to see any positive traits.

My sister has had a miserable life with a man like this. He appears to be a lovely, decent man but she has spent 30+ years, going through this. She will discover yet another loan, he will be sorry, she sorts it out as best she can, then it starts all over again. Their relationship is now dead and she is leaving him when the youngest leaves home. I would have been gone long ago tbh. He won't change, ever.

Habitual massive debt due to, well, we dont actually know, unhealthy lifestyle/eating habits leading to wright gain, continually lying about his spending and debt, FOUR jobs in eighteen months. How old is he OP? He seems to be acting like a student and why does he keep booking holidays you cant afford? I dont mean to be harsh and I know you say he’s the love of your life but I fail to see any positive traits.

Yes I know it all sounds very negative but obviously that is because I have only told you the negative.

It is actually 5, I forgot about 1, that is another thread entirely. I don't want to go into it too much but he was very unhappy at the first job, moved internally but with a pay drop, and then hated it, after that he just couldn't find the right fit, he got sucked in with the promises of £££. One job was literally a stop gap of any job just to pay the bills and the most recent was a very difficult boss he just couldn't work for. He's very settled now.

Feel like he will just be like 'good' if I said I'd cancelled.

Then he’s showing you exactly how much your relationship means to him. He’s like a child, cutting his nose off to spite his face.

I get it to a certain extent because my upbringing was abusive and my mother would have kept me as a compliant child forever if she’d had her way - so in a lot of ways I’m quite immature and have had to learn how to adult. I was very bad with money as a result and my DH had to bail me out a few times. The difference is though I never lied about it and I did learn from my mistakes because I’d have been distraught had DH left.

Your DP doesn’t sound as if he’s grown up yet hence the lying, defiance, refusal to change etc. and is blaming you for his actions. You already have a child, do you want to be married to one?

Call his bluff for once and tell him you’ve cancelled the wedding (you don’t actually need to cancel it today). If he says “good” and refuses to take responsibility for his own actions then he is showing you who he really is - listen to him.