how should a nursery worker deal with a crying toddler?

[Moralitym1n1]

Sorry I know this is strictly not a relationships question, but the parenting etc. board is often very slow and with is often a shark frenzy.

I've just overheard a daycare worked shouting "stop that crying

(When I say pointedly, that particular assistant is always like that, while the others are more laid-back. They'd probably let you pop your head back in to drop off the nappies .. she would not. No doubt it's about not disrupting your child or the other children, but I find it ironic she's such a stickler in that way; but apparently not in how she's supposed to speak to children).

You need to be an advocate for your daughter, OP, sod ruffling feathers. They need ruffling. For one, it sounds like they're breaking staffing ratios for the under threes, leaving the lone worker stressed and thus not responding at her best. For two, your child has gone from happy at drop off to unhappy. Three, it sounds like they're building a case that your daughter's behaviour is a problem with her rather than with them. I teach, and if my class is badly behaved I consider that to be my fault in the main. Four, they're leaving children crying in jumparoos that can be uncomfortable for them and are not recommended for extended use. Five, their staff is shouting at children. Children who are told off for expressing emotions under age two are at risk of developing attachment disorders. Get a childminder if you have to, but this is not on. I'd issue a formal complaint tbh.

I’ve worked in private nurseries.

Despite the qualification and training, I often worked alongside staff who dealt with things differently. For example, refusing to pick up a crying toddler (about 15 months), because the mum said she is getting too “difficult” at home. The members of staff would tell me not to pick up said child, too.

Nursery practitioners are also staggeringly underpaid, work 10-11 hour shifts with only one break, and expected to do copious paperwork on top of everything else. This then leaves nursery workers stressed, and not providing the best possible care. Things like that were so disheartening - I came into early years with a warm heart and desire to care and nurture children. After 3 years (in multiple nurseries), I left, and am now retraining in something else.

You should absolutely complain. It’s never ok to shout at a child like that, especially so young. If only parents noticed more and took action, perhaps more would we done to change things within private nurseries.

@Justanamechange2

How depressing.

That doesn't seem right about not lifting the crying 15 month old.

Thanks everyone for your perspectives, it's very helpful.

The manager of the nursery did not reply to my request for their policy last Friday.
I emailed her again asking and she said she thought she'd replied (!), said there is no policy for crying/tantruming ax it is considered normal behaviour, then wrote the following;

"We aim however to make sure all children at nursery are happy and content. When a child throws tantrum lots of times during the day and at the smallest things, like taking their shoes off for sleep, concerns us, so we try to work with the parents to find out the reasons behind it in order to help that child to cry less and have less tantrums."

I'm wondering what the classification system bid for small things and large things when it comes to toddlers tantrums .

Also my husband arranged to speak to her about the "raised voice" eyc. and I wasn't going to go - because I think I'm going to lose my temper - and the manager included in the email that she would like me to attend because she'd like to know about my daughter's routine etc. Bitbiff because her father obviously knows about her routine anyway. I'm very much in two minds as to whether to attend.

*is
*bit odd

This sounds like my nursery where I work. I was passive aggressively told off for picking up a child who is about 2 and a half. They said he just wants attention but I cuddled him for about 3 minutes and then showed him we were 'feeding' teddies and he calmed right down and started playing. I hate it at times, because the staff are so tough and it's not my style. However, I can also see that very firm boundaries sometimes with to advantage eg. Less noise, more co operation.

I'm with the pp who said they got disillusioned. I'm in first place of work, but I get minimum wage and put in so much extra time to cover all the admin. Constantly being shouted at for not getting this, that and the other done. It can also be hugely demanding with a lot of children, several special needs plus children settling in. The 6:1 ratio is out of ratio for baby room and very difficult for the staff member, I can imagine. However, the way she spoke and the way your dd is there at drop off sounds like your dd is not happy.

@MerryMarigold

That's a bit horrible.

Although being cuddly and comforting is not always something I feel like doing when my child is having a tantrum, it dies seem to work most of the time to calm them. And it sounds like the child you're talking about wasn't even tantruming, just crying.

I have to say I've never seen that ratio before there.

The conditions sound crap for nursery workers - it's not a good situation.

I am finding this really hard to read. I wouldn’t have left my DC in this situation. Look for another nursery

Should add them her comment about the shoes and my lo crying/tantruming; a staff member commented that she can be v possessive of her stuff (when I arrived early and said "wow is she all ready and everything", she was wearing her coat and rucksack), she said they'd put them on to make her happy because she was v possessive of them/her things. I can only presume that she feels like they're going to be pinched for some reason (?) Being possessive of their things is also typical toddler behaviour, isnt it. I suppose she's too small to understand she'll get them back. The manager mentioning it is just frustrating/niggling me further.

@Eggshellnutmeg

Sorry, my phone had a problem, so when I first posted this I was using an Amazon fire tablet for kids to write; it had the weirdest autocorrect ever.

Personally I don’t think it’s ever helpful to tell a child off for crying. You wouldn’t tell an adult off for crying would you? Why would it be okay to tell a very young child that. I have actually confrontated school staff about this (teacher but not at my sons school). I think people do feel shamed when you point out how unkind and unhelpful it is. Essentially it’s just a reflection that the grown up has reached the end of their resources.

All your follow up posts just scream that these people have virtually no understanding of the needs of young children. I have to believe that there is somewhere better.

I would be furious if someone had spoken to my DS like that. I would have had to say something calmly on the 1st instance and keep a very watchful eye on them. Reading on, they do not seem like somewhere I would entrust my sons care too. I would be looking for a new care provider ASAP 💐💐

Trust your instincts. It sounds to me that you know that she's not happy. And that they didn't treat her with kindness. She is 20mths old! I very much doubt that a 20mth old can act 'spoilt' in any event. Your husband may have been right to allow you a cooling off period. But, despite that, you still feel unease. And rightly so. I would look at other options. I once had a nurse tell me that my baby was " just a typical boy" and was "lazy and manipulative" when struggling to breastfeed him. She then got rough and handled both him and me roughly (she pulled me onto my side when I'd had a c section). He was 3 days old!!! Some people don't have the patience of aptitude to deal with babies or children.

I once had a nurse tell me that my baby was " just a typical boy" and was "lazy and manipulative" when struggling to breastfeed him. She then got rough and handled both him and me roughly (she pulled me onto my side when I'd had a c section). He was 3 days old!!! Some people don't have the patience of aptitude to deal with babies or children.

That is outrageous.
And the worst thing is, when nurses/midwives etc act badly,byoure very unlikely to complain because you're so exhausted and distracted trying to look after your baby. Everything other than that seems like a ridiculous, unnecessary waste of time & energy.

It's so frustrating how these people go into caring professions, that they're actually completely unsuited for, and often stay in them because e.g. there are shortages, people don't make formal complaints against them, the procedure for dismissing them is so arduous for their managers etc.

I overheard a kindergarten teacher berating a child for wetting her pants, nastily repeating "Are you a baby?" several times. Yes, the child was a baby. Maybe age 3. Some people are not cut out for these jobs, and presumably just stay there because they don't have the skills or qualifications for anything else. Before becoming a parent I used to hate making a fuss, but in the end your child just has one childhood, and you don't want that to be their memory of it. Complain factually, ask to move groups, move nursery. (We once changed primary schools because of a poor teacher ... by the next term half the class had joined us.)

I overheard a kindergarten teacher berating a child for wetting her pants, nastily repeating "Are you a baby?" several times. Yes, the child was a baby. Maybe age 3. Some people are not cut out for these jobs, and presumably just stay there because they don't have the skills or qualifications for anything else.

Horrendous. Poor child. I thought stuff like that didn't happen anymore, obviously being naive.

We we had s meeting with the manager and the worker in question (didn't know she wax going to attend but she is the "key worker"). She denied it.

Manager said shell look into it.

Manager also said she doesn't disapprove of a stern voice, but is against shouting. She maybe even said raised, stern voice. I said it was hard to separate stern,braised voiced and shouting at times.
I also said I'd been told a child shouldn't be told not to cry; she had no response to that.

The worker denying it has made me try to think of any scenario in which it couldn't have been her - the only one that I can think of is that another worker took over while I got the nappies - but then that worker would had to have been left on her own (or there were two other workers, one of whom was silent and neither of them would've been this lady I'd she would've said "it was so and so"; unless she's forgotten or is protecting a coworker). To be honest it's all so unlikely. But the main thing is that I know the 3/4 workers' voices from my interactions and I recognised hers. If course I could be wrong but how likely is it the that worker changed in the 5-10 mins I was away and that I didn't recognise her voice correctly.

They're supposed to be "investigating" and we're supposed to discuss things ... While thing is unpleasant.

*Whole

*neither of them would've been this lady otherwise she would've said "it was so and so"; unless she's forgotten or is protecting a coworker).

Sorry I know the "hypothetical scenario in which it would not have been the worker I left in the room with my child and whose voice I'm fairly sure I recognised" is complicated & ridiculous.

Just to add; the manager also said that if she appeared to be on her own with 6 children that morning, it was only because the other worker must have been in an adjoining room, or another room temporarily; that it just doesn't happen.

I'm a nursery worker and would absolutely never speak to anyone like that, certainly not a toddler. I would strongly recommend moving your child to a different nursery.

Your child probably wanted her coat and bag because she knows that signifies going home.

Your child probably wanted her coat and bag because she knows that signifies going home

hope not.

They said she'd super possessive of her stuff there. They mentioned it today again.

It's strange to use the word possessive when talking about a 20 month old. It's very judgemental. When they're so young you try to understand their behaviours not criticise. It could be a comfort thing with her or it could be that she thinks it will make home time come.

We had a child who was feeling tired the other day and wanted singing time because she knows mummy always comes at singing time. It's how their minds work when they're so little. I hope I'm wrong in your case but either way it doesn't sound like a nice place for your little one.