how should a nursery worker deal with a crying toddler?

[Moralitym1n1]

Sorry I know this is strictly not a relationships question, but the parenting etc. board is often very slow and with is often a shark frenzy.

I've just overheard a daycare worked shouting "stop that crying

Then I'll probably speak to the manager, or just give notice and leave. But I'm worried about the disruption in changing nursery, and that this kind of thing could happen anywhere. I just happened to overhear that worker.

If you're not happy with the nursery, find another. They should be jollying them along and distracting them. Anyone can have a bad day, so it may be a one-off, but once the doubt is in your mind, it's no good, is it?

If your nearly 2 year old is crying often and for no reason while the other workers are trying to cope with other kids, I would expect a telling off yes. My nephew had form for this - wanted a particular worker’s attention constantly and would cry if she was with another child. Sometimes there would be a telling off.

When she's with me, the only three reasons i can think of that she cries are tiredness (she slept pretty well and did not seen tired), hurting herself, and not being allowed to do something she wants t o do, essentially tantrumming.

It's not impossible she cries from being there/not wanting to be there/ me not being there - obviously i don't see that. Though she hasn't been crying there much at all until recently - another worker told me she cries and is in bad form recently and they put it down to tiredness; because I told them she can be a very poor sleeper, and because she's better after her nap.

I get testing impression that, out of the 3 main workers she's with, the other two have more tolerance and are more easygo ing .. And that this one is less so; she has an attitude and a facial expression when I see her that's hard to describe but that makes me feel like she thinks my daughter is a problem child and that's because I'm a la x mother, who's failing to ensure wheelers properly and who perhaps had no discip line.
There's a definite tension with myself and th at worker; which makes this incident even trickier.

*I get the strong impression
*failing to.ensure she sleeps properly

wanted a particular worker’s attention constantly and would cry if she was with another child.

Mine would take anyone's attention .
Though the worker was there in her own so ..

Change nurseries. If she stays there the same worker will keep yelling at her and that's no good, even at 20 months

I admire your self control...not going in.

I would probably have gone in (upset and angry) and said the wrong thing. You have taken time to reflect (ask opinions) and speak to your DP. You will be well prepared and probably much more effective when you do speak to them.

I couldn’t have walked away and left my child there being spoken to like that. Neither would DH. We’d have brought him home and told them we wouldn’t be back

It can have a psychologically damaging effect to be told not to cry.
At that age they should be using distraction for a tantrum or let them tantrum it out without being told not to if they are not allowed to do something.
Comfort and reassurance if separation anxiety.
Comfort if hurt or ill.

If your nearly 2 year old is crying often and for no reason while the other workers are trying to cope with other kids, I would expect a telling off yes

20 month old children don't cry for no reason. No need to tell her off or shout at her.
You need to speak to the manager as it appears there is a safeguarding issue if they were over ratio.
And your husband sounds unpleasant calling his DD spoilt and criticising your parenting.

I admire your self control...not going in.

I only managed it because I thought I was going to speak to my husband and probably back in (but also because I'm aware I'm PMS'ing and would fight with my own shadow at this time of the month.
He knows it too which is partly why he pulled the fast one by driving out of the car park while I was responding.

My concerns with moving her are that a. She's settled there and the other workers seem good, and I have always had the suspicion that this and worse goes on in all childcare, but that we don't see it (and therefore the same thing may well happen somewhere too).

At my dd's nursery they would have given her a big cuddle and distracted her. If I'd heard them talking to her like that I'd have gone in.

That is unacceptable. DS's nursery is part of DD's school. She went there too and it's the same staff so I've known them for years even though DS has only been attending nursery for a month. He's nearly three and this week has had real anxiety at drop off, despite loving it previously, and enjoying it once he's calmed down. All of the staff have come over to us (when he's been screaming and clining to me) and tried to distract him. When it hasn't worked they've asked if I would like them to take him so that I can leave (with a promise to call if there are problems) or if I want to stay until he is calm. I know them so I leave him. He is just stubborn and can't calm himself, but does enjoy nursery, so I know the best thing is for me to leave, as my being their just feeds into his "moment". The staff have learnt this about him and are happy to prise him from me and then offer endless distractions)/cuddles until he is calm. They then email me as soon as he is settled so that I don't worry. Anything less than this and I couldn't leave him there when he is upset. If they were impatient with him or angry/aggressive, I would complain all the way up the chain, even if I intended to withdraw him.

Your DD has not been there long. They must be more patient and understanding. Staff who snap at young children are in the wrong job, and you should never be afraid to hold them to account.

I've raised concerns previously, and because the staff care so much about the children, they understand my concern and offer reassurance without any sign of irritation. The way they respond to your complaint will be a good indicator as to whether or not you want your daughter to continue to be looked after by them.

I didn't want too it her in anywhere but felt she was missing out and needed a break to job hunt etc.

After reading what your husband said I think he's being a bit of a shit as well. Imagine saying she's spoiled and you, your mum and sister are all soft. My dh would have been equally as concerned about it, not attacking my parenting or my family or saying dd was spoiled. Wtf ?

*want to put her in

My mum and my sister would distract, rarely say no. I'm the same - I am too soft in that I let her do things (nothing that's a danger to her obviously) to a certain extent because I m anticipating a tantrum. If she tantrums i distract o r ignore or just keep saying 'you're not getting it, you can't do that, I'm sorry etc'.

She is very wilful, through going and can be quite tantrum -y , but I thought that was common at this age.

Not Ok, I'd be removing my child from the centre if I heard her spoken to like that.

A 20 month old should not be expected to be in control of their emotions. She needed a cuddle and a distraction, not a telling off.

How awful.

My guess would be that worker thinks she's spoilt, her behaviour is bad etc. If no other worker had joined her, she was on her own with six of them - one of which was crying g in a jumperoo when I left, she probably felt she wasn't going to spend more time "pandering" to my daughter with the others demanding her attention .

Not excusing - I don't like the girl and there's a tension between us even before I heard this - just her likely take.

I think she's probably going to tell her manager quietly that my daughter is badly behaved, probably due to bad parenting, and is too much of a distraction/demand and they'd be better off without her anyway.

Your poor daughter. She most definitely should not have been shouted at, and this is not something that happens in good childcare settings.

If I were you I'd be looking for another nursery or childminder.

She's only a two day loss to them as well.

Incidentally I was quite surprised/uncomfortable when she 'ignor we're the baby crying in the jumperoo when I was leaving and instead to!d me she'd be reading my daughter a book - at that point I wouldn't have minded if she'd tended to that child first at all.

I was really expecting her to go to that child and was a bit non -plussed/uncomfortable when she didnt.
All the others were just crawling around/pulling themselves up on thing s.

Your "D" H doesn't sound like he's on the same page as you, if you're concerned about your child at nursery and he just dismisses you with an insult about being "soft".