Controlling or caring?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Would you see any of these things as red flags or just a good caring partner?

Lots of texts/contact through the day. Calls each lunch/break time and texts in between.

Always offering to take and collect from nights out/meeting friends. Even if it's inconvenient for him.

Booking and arranging lots of surprise trips/treats. Sounds lovely I know, but never really asking if you want to go/do it.

But generally not moody or upset if you don't answer texts etc or you say no to the lifts/trips.

Something's recently have made me start looking at his behaviour but just wanted opinions on these few things and if they'd be seems as controlling at all.

“Generally not moody”: so has he been moody on occasions in these circumstances?

What matters is how YOU feel about all this. Do you feel suffocated by all his texts and calls? Do you think his motive for picking you up is because he wants you to get home safely, or do you think he does this to keep tabs on you and where you might go? What does "generally not moody" mean? Is he a prick sometimes but other times he's ok?

Could be that an ex told him that he wasn't attentive enough to her in those ways, so he's trying really hard to be attentive to you as he thinks that's what he needs to do to be considered "Good boyfriend material"?

I have no expert knowledge, but I was in a controlling/coercive relationship for 15 years. It sounds to me as though it may well be controlling, especially if this is at the start of the relationship.

I was sucked in, because it is very flattering to have someone pay so much attention, but all the texts/calls would be ringing alarm bells for me.

Who has that much to say to each other seriously? How much can possibly have happened by lunchtime?? That would bug me. And the lifts thing, on the one hand I would like it as it's frankly convenient, but I do know of men who have controlled their partners this way. I'm kind of on the fence on this one. I guess time will tell. Like you say, the way to find out is to see the reaction you get when you are not so available.

I wouldn't like that at all. There is a chance he's not controlling but likelihood is that he is.

It's controlling.

Smothering. Suffocating. Too much.

I'd hate the calls at breaktimes. I don't need lifts and I'd find it patronising, and probably that he was checking up on me.

The trips and treats sound nice, except you're not involved in the planning or asked if it's something you'd like to do. Once in a while a surprise might be nice, but constantly not really caring if I had other plans or if I liked the idea, nope.

My ex started out like this, by the end he was choosing my clothes, wouldn’t let me goto the doctors by myself (I want to support you) didn’t like me working (let me take care of you) and then would have an almighty huff and shout in uncontrollable rage if those things didn’t happen. I found it super flattering to begin with, but I was like the frog in slowly boiling water and didn’t realise what was happening till too late!

Sorry should have said, not a new relationship. He's always be in touch a lot, texts, likes/comments on social media etc. But the calls only started since I've been on mat leave, but then it would have been difficult to call me when I was working.

The only thing that would bother me is the constant calls and texts. I can't stand that level of neediness in anyone, creeps me out.

My ex used to choose our holidays and weekends away too - he would say I could choose to go anywhere for a spa break, but did I mind if we only went south from our city and not to these locations, and it must be within a 2 hour drive.... etc etc. So giving me the choice, but not. Was weird to explain as on the surface it was all so reasonable and lovely!

I think you should pull back quite a bit. Stop the texting, stop the phone calls, and tell him it's too much. No more picking you up. Tell him you want to be consulted more when making plans. You will see his true colours very quickly.

Not a new relationship?! Wow I thought this was someone you'd been dating a few months.
Can you just tell him? Are there any other concerns? It doesn't sound particularly terrible, more annoying than anything.

He's always been very 'there for me' if that makes sense and I thought it was a good thing and in some ways still do. But there's things niggling me and I'm not sure anymore.

The most important thing is how do you feel about it all? Do you feel it's suffocating? Do you feel annoyed/overlooked in decision makin? Do you feel lifts are controlling/limiting?

I really don't know @YourSarcasmIsDripping. It's like its slowly crept up on me if that makes sense. And when I've sat thinking about it he always does that or offers that. I love him and he's very attentive, always has been. I'm just now thinking it's maybe something more than that.

The calls started when I started mat leave and it was sweet he was checking I was ok. Then Ds arrived and he went back after paternity leave and again it was sweet he missed us and wanted to check in. Now I find myself ignoring his calls or texting him that I'm busy/out and can't talk, even when I'm not.

And I feel terrible putting this and I really hope I'm wrong.
But we're expecting a second Dc and we hadn't planned it at all, there will only be 13 months between them. But he's so happy about it, has been from finding out and we were using condoms and I've found myself wondering if he did something on purpose so we'd have another. I keep telling myself there's no way he do that, but I don't know it's just a feeling I'm getting. I was saying I didn't want any more and he'd always said he did.

I'm cross with him at the moment though and don't know if it's that making me look for things wrong with him.

It's like a bad feeling in my stomach and I don't know if I'm being paranoid or it's something to worry about.

Ime really bad feelings in your stomach usually signify something.

What are you cross with him about?

I would find it totally uncomfortable; its as if he is claiming all of your free time for himself, bit by sneaky bit.

so when he next offers to collect you from a night out say. I would rather make my own way home thanks. how would he react? I would wait until he's next going out at night and then tell him you are also out. if he rearranges stuff to collect you it will look pretty stifling and controlling.

Some thing he said after I'd been out @category12. I have posted about it (which should be a warning to me as I'm obviously worried as I'm posting about him again).

It's just that comment has really made me start looking at things and I can't stop.

You see I declined a lift home Saturday night @Bananalanacake. He had dropped me off though. He was ok about it but did say a few times he really didn't mind coming for me.
He would do that before we had Ds though, we'd both be out and he'd meet up with me towards the end of the night, we have joint friends so it seemed normal to end the night together though or if I was out with work or other friends he'd sometimes decide to drive and not drink on his night and come collect me.