Controlling or caring?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Would you see any of these things as red flags or just a good caring partner?

Lots of texts/contact through the day. Calls each lunch/break time and texts in between.

Always offering to take and collect from nights out/meeting friends. Even if it's inconvenient for him.

Booking and arranging lots of surprise trips/treats. Sounds lovely I know, but never really asking if you want to go/do it.

But generally not moody or upset if you don't answer texts etc or you say no to the lifts/trips.

Something's recently have made me start looking at his behaviour but just wanted opinions on these few things and if they'd be seems as controlling at all.

Which sounds a bit weird written down but it always just seemed like he wanted to see me or me go home with him anyway.

Sorry love but suspecting your partner lied and got you pregnant on purpose does not come from nowhere. The fact that you believe him capable of that shows that things aren't caring and lovely and sensitive and what not.

He'll do this thing when I'm on my phone too, he'll ask what I'm doing and I'll say messaging such and such or Instagram/Mumsnet etc, he'll say ok but then a few seconds later take my phone and say (jokingly!?) are you sure it's not your secret boyfriend or something.
But then I'll do it if he's on a game on his phone I might ask what he's doing and he'll say and I'll say "you sure you're not watching porn" but I don't take his phone and I know I'm joking and the porn reference goes back to a joke we had early on. But then he could just be joking too, vhf he does says it far more often than I do and when I've been on my phone not that long. Where as I only tend to say anything if he's in bed on his for ages.

I know @YourSarcasmIsDripping. And I feel horrible thinking it and I didn't at first. But he's supposed to be getting the snip because he was as concerned as me about it happening again, but he's not actually looked into doing anything about that. And he's really pleased about the baby, I can tell. Which is good and maybe it's just me projecting a bit because it's been harder for me to get used to.

I think a proper chat is needed. Tell him what you don't like and ask him to stop. His reaction will be telling. However nice a gesture is,if it's unwanted it's not nice. If he tries to guilt you or blows up you'll know it's not about you,it's all about him. Up to you where you go from there.

Taking your phone out of your hand is definitely not ok. What do you say when he does that?

I'd definitely nip that one in the bud with a serious conversation about trust and privacy.

The other things you mention aren't necessarily red flags (for me). Getting lifts home and wanting to end the night together, wanting to be more in touch now that you have a child together and he's stuck at work...I can understand these.

I can totally see your PoV, as that amount of contact during the day would make me feel claustrophobic. Could it be that he's unaware that you find it too much, and instead thinks he's being attentive/ super thoughtful?

If you asked him to reach out less during the day, would he take it well?

Has he ever stopped you doing something you wanted to?
Imo i don’t see any harm in him collecting you after a night out, saves on taxis for a start. Some couples do text a lot during the day. It just depends how it makes you feel.
Are you close to your family and friends?

he smothered, lovebombed and engulfed you so you couldn't even hear your intuition/gut instinct.
Now that you're on mat leave you've managed to get some breathing space - and that small amount of breathing space is allowing you to hear your gut instinct talking to you - that is the niggly feeling in your stomach.
It's telling that something is off, something isn't right - but he's been clouding your mind so much for so long and is so constant with it that you don't even recognise your gut instinct/intuition calling you.

in my opinion, he's trying to hide his controlling ways behind a mask of 'caring'.
You may well be right about the condom - pregnant, housebound and financially dependent makes you even easier to control.

I could be wrong but i don't think i am.
You could try changing the dynamic and see how he responds - cut back on the daily txts/phone calls when he's at work.
Refuse some/most of the lifts - he should be at home looking after his dc anyway.
Stop agreeing/accepting all his plans and ideas - insist on being included in the decision/plans.
Stop letting him take your phone and checking it.

His responses and behavior to the changes will tell you what he's really about.
In the meantime, please take steps to ensure your own financial independence and access to money.....and take charge of your own contraception that is tamper-proof, at least until he's had the snip.

How does he manage to come and pick you up if you have a baby at home? Or is he out on the town too?

DH and I text a lot during the day so I don’t see any problem with that - unless you feel smothered OP.

I tend to just say "hey" @plantingandpotting. But he doesn't check it, he'll glance so I'm sure he's seen who I'm texting etc. But he doesn't then go through it and never has to my knowledge. He'll do it playing about, it's really difficult to explain. I've always felt it was his way of 'checking' without him actually asking to check my phone and I guess I didn't mind that. But it's not got less as we've got more committed it's got more and I always thought it was because he was a bit insecure about how we got together and he worried I wasn't as into him as he was me, I think we should be past that now though.

He most probably is just being super attentive with the other stuff. Most of my friends think he's the ideal boyfriend. Again he's always gone all out for birthdays/Christmas etc and will just get me things and book nights away, gigs etc, just because. He's very thoughtful it's always something I really want. But again before Ds and us living together it was lovely and I guess the kind of thing you do. But he's still like that now and sometimes I think, no rather than buying me nice treats or booking a random hotel night away because you thought it was nice, we could save that money for the Dc or something. But then that's me, who's suddenly not wanting the same things.

I'm not a pushover though and have full access to all money/incomings/outgoings. If I say no to things he's ok with that. He bought a dress once that he specifically wanted me to wear to a meal out he'd booked and I told him that made me feel uncomfortable despite it being a lovely dress I'd generally wear. I don't want to be told that's what I'm wearing tonight and he was absolutely fine about that, apologised for getting it wrong and he hasn't done that again. He'll buy me trainers he knows I want or something like that but that's all.

He'd get Ds up and put him in the car @HeartsTrumpDiamonds. Which is why I said no at the weekend as it's seemed silly. Which he was ok with, but he repeated a few times he didn't mind and Ds would just sleep in the car anyway and it was ok.

He sounds incredibly insecure which he masks by being seen to be ‘attentive. Some people like that level of attention but you clearly have issues with it, which means it’s time for a ‘dial it back’ chat.

Only on MN would he be labelled controlling!

He sounds lovely - maybe a little over attentive but you are pregnant with his child and he wants to check you're both ok? God OP get a grip - many women would love such an interested partner - from what you've written I don't see anything sinister in his behaviour

I think your making this out to be worse than it is because you have doubts about being with him generally and so you're trying to find fault in everything he does to validate your feelings of unhappiness?

Bollocks would most women like such an "interested" partner.

Pregnancy and the arrival of children is most often when control issues appear/ ramp up. Getting a baby out of bed unnecessarily? Definitely controlling.

I have in the past been accused of being controlling by others. My partner at the time went on a self-esteem course and was taught all about the different types of control and concluded afterwards they were talking rubbish about me being controlling.
It does happen though and can be so slow and so subtle that it is hard to pick up. Like you say small signals and signs that make you think.
There are loads of online books about the subject and makes some interesting and creepy reading.

I wouldn’t like this.
It’s like a mild itch under the skin that you can’t quite scratch but you know it’s there.
It’s all a bit skewed.

OP this is controlling behaviour.

I have one key question:

when you don’t pick his call up at lunch (as you may be busy with baby, dealing with nappies etc, genuinely engaged) what does he say/do?

Notreadyforthisx2

I will read all the postings but even from your initial post the man has a lot of red flags about him. Controlling behaviours are rooted in power and control and that lies at the heart of abuse.

If you were to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft you will find this man you are with within those pages. If you do get a copy of this book do not let him find it under any circumstances.

His actions are all about power and control and he wants absolute over you and in turn your kids. Such control is indeed insidious in its onset and is often not recognised until much later into the relationship. Your senses are reacting as they are now for good reason.

Notreadyforthisx2

re your comment:-

"Most of my friends think he's the ideal boyfriend".

He really is not. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Many abusive people can be and indeed are quite plausible to those in the outside world. They also do not have him in their lives as you currently do.

What is his family background and relationship history like?
What are his parents like OP: looking at how they behave with each other will give you clues here too.

He is good and is testing your boundaries quite thoroughly here. He has already seen your reaction to the dress he bought you to wear so has parked that particular control tactic (for now anyway. He probably kicked himself for making that particular mistake with you and thinks he will be more careful next time). So he will buy you trainers instead, an item that you yourself wanted but he bought anyway. You see how your boundaries are being slowly eroded.

Your boundaries are still for the most part okay but there are some gaps and this man will in all likelihood further erode boundaries over time and given opportunity.

I’ve recently disentangled myself from a situation where I would get messages all of the time (so many, all day when apart) so I can understand how suffocating it is. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been at the end of that sort of attention how what starts as being fabulous and flattering starts to feel like the walls are closing in on you. And how once you feel like that even the sort of messages that once felt sweet and caring (ie “I haven’t heard from you? Are you ok?”) make you feel trapped and an invasion of your boundaries as you feel like you have to reply or they’ll worry.

Maybe I’m being unreasonable too or projecting but I do understand.

You might be right @itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted. I was the one who struggled with the idea of marriage, babies and settling down. So maybe it's just that and I'm freaking out a little bit.

If I don't answer he'll text what he was going to ask. So he tried phoning on his morning break and I've been out so he text to say he was phoning to tell me what time he was coming home and shall we go out to eat tonight, then asked what we were (me and Ds) up to today. I go to meet my grandma on Friday mornings and we go for a coffee/walk something, which he does know.

Ask him outright why he does it.
Ask him why he’s constantly phoning or texting.
See what his answer is.

was DC1 planned? Because it sounds to me like you hadn't settled into a relationship that worked for you and now you're at home, looking after a baby, living with him etc perhaps sooner than you'd anticipated?

In which case, its possible that these are all just things that would have been ironed out over time without the pressure of DC etc. I do think how he responds to you not responding/answering is the key here. If he texts you with an important question and you don't respond, I can see that being annoying for him. But if he's just checking in you should be able to simply ignore then send super quick message at your convenience to say things are all good. And even that, while I would consider fine, if you're not interested in that level fo communication then that's your right. And going back to my earlier point - if I'm right that you got pregnant quite quickly, you'd either have worked this out together or you'd have broken up because you expected different things from your relationship.

It would drive me bonkers.

Does he have friends and family?