Controlling or caring?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Would you see any of these things as red flags or just a good caring partner?

Lots of texts/contact through the day. Calls each lunch/break time and texts in between.

Always offering to take and collect from nights out/meeting friends. Even if it's inconvenient for him.

Booking and arranging lots of surprise trips/treats. Sounds lovely I know, but never really asking if you want to go/do it.

But generally not moody or upset if you don't answer texts etc or you say no to the lifts/trips.

Something's recently have made me start looking at his behaviour but just wanted opinions on these few things and if they'd be seems as controlling at all.

Only on mumsnet would this be classed as ‘abusive’ -even when exhibiting the most inconsequential of actions which could be deemed controlling, like buying the OP a dress she admitted she would have loved, he has immediately apologised and not repeated that behaviour again. In the OPs own words He's not funny if I don't answer the phone or reply to messages hardly text book coercive control.

The most telling part of this is the OP when she says It's weird I thought I'd struggle being a mum but I love it and I love Ds like nothing else in the world. If I'm honest it's maybe made me wonder at times if I really love Dp, where as he says it's made him love me more and his love for me is equal to that of Ds. That's not the case for me

There’s nothing wrong with questioning your relationship but to try and use your partner doing the best he can to make you happy to justify your own doubts is fundamentally wrong. Worse still is the amount of replies desperate to castigate a man trying to do his best to love and support his partner

@NotReadyForThisX2

Hi, I am not entirely sure if I am missing something here but you have listed a number of behavioural traits I would see as fantastic in any long term relationship. Not only that but it appears he had the wherewithal and understanding to recognise the travails of post natal depression and went the extra mile to try to ensure you didn’t feel in any way isolated, a feeling many of us mums have to deal with alone as our loving yet perhaps less understanding partners didn’t recognise these very real issues.

He sounds lovely, likely the reason you chose to spend your life together and create a family. I would caution against listening to some opinions on here, the bitterness and levels of projection are palpable.

Think this, if you had outlined all the previously discussed behaviours and suggested these had all stopped when you had your DC this man would be lambasted, and rightly so. Perhaps his behaviour is unusual but this isn’t something that could or should be held against him but more of a sad indictment of men more generally. Don’t let the bitterness consume you to such an extent that you see these things as a negative thing, something many past posters seem unable to do.

Be careful what you wish for in life, it sounds like you have a good one with a man who loves you dearly. I for one am happy for you and don’t carry the sadly transparent bitterness and misplaced jealousy that several others on here clearly do

@NotReadyForThisX2

Ah, ok, I am revising my opinions a little here. Having had the opportunity to read some of your past posts (I urge others to do the same) I feel you have quite a tenuous grip on reality and quite frankly a poor understanding of what will make a successful relationship work.

I don’t want to be too rude here but this and some of your other posts makes you seem quite needy and emotionally insecure. You have detailed at great length in this and other threads some of the rather enviable traits your partner exhibits to attempt to make you and your new family happy. You respond with dismissive erroneous contempt. I think at this point you need to be brave enough to admit you don’t love him any more and are, at least subconsciously, desperately seeking the reasons and social acceptance you feel is required to do the things you want to do.

Ordinarily I would never suggest this but on this occasion I am entirely comfortable as you will get what you think you want and will be wonderfully disappointed to see the grass is most certainly not greener while you DH may see that not all women are so self absorbed and entitled.

Some of your other posts are so ridiculously self centred they are barely credible. Perusing some of your past posts it couldn’t be more obvious there is literally nothing your DH can do to make you happy - heaven forbid him coming home excited at the prospect of potentially taking you to the Maldives while at the same time you champion the fact you still don’t list yourself as ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook to ‘keep your options open’ while also idly wondering if your DP (in full time work) should be doing more than 50% of the housework during your mat leave 🙄 On the plus side it is good you have managed to watch so much Netflix.

If you genuinely see the world in this way I feel incredibly sorry for you.

If you would be kind enough to give your DP these and maybe point him in the direction of the freedom programme. A lifetime with you isn’t something any good, hard working person, man or woman, deserves

You are very lucky that an omniscient being has visited this thread, OP. Not only can she tell what your DH is thinking and doing with 100% certainly, she can also write off everyone else who comes with alternative opinions as bitter and jealous, decide that you are approaching this all wrong and that your DH is wonderful.

I suggest you listen to your own gut feeling and be smart about the choices you make. Maybe everything is good, maybe not. Don´t get yourself stuck in a situation that you don´t want to be in. Pretty much the advice I would give any woman in a relationship!

From one of OPs other threads we still don't have 'in a relationship with.....' on Facebook. Dp said the other day when we get married will you at least change it to married, my fb still says I'm single ...
my reply was "hmm, not sure. I quite like keeping my options open" some could take offence at that, but Dp just laughed and said "what, you think you'll get better than this".

If this was a woman saying her partner said this everyone would rightly be going apeshit. Could all of the fucking rabidly frothing ‘he’s suffocating, he’s controlling’ crowd read through some of the OPs previous posts? Her poor partner has done everything by the book to be equitable, loving and supportive with the OP coming across as apathetic at best. If anyone needs some sage advice around incongruity in the relationship it’s very much not the OP...

He doesn’t sound abusive. I knew as soon as I read that, that half the posters would label him abusive. I agree he sounds very insecure and I would find it smothering but in all honesty OP I think you have a lot to answer for when it comes to his insecurity

I’ve read a few of your other threads.

You said - I'm not scared of him. But I've honestly no clue what he'd think of it or what he'd want to do but yet in this thread you claim to think he purposely did something with the condom to make your pregnant?

You’ve also posted another thread talking about your wedding to him - if you aren’t happy why are you planning on marrying him?

It sounds as if you’ve ‘settled’ for him which is why you’re finding fault in every single thing he does. He’s not stupid he will be aware of ‘something’ not being right which is probably why he’s so full on trying to please you and do all the right things

Yes he’s a bit OTT and smothering but he can probably sense you’ve got one foot out the door. You make it sound as if you didn’t want any of this... you were fwb but ended up in a relationship even though it was only him that wanted to (you had a choice...) you ended up pregnant twice despite not really wanting to (again, you had a choice and it takes two to fall pregnant). You seem to blame him for everything which is why he will never be able to win no matter what he does!

Just leave... you’ll never be satisfied with this man. But stop blaming him for your feelings.

Morning @sonjadog

It's your friendly 'omniscient being' here

I am not quite sure if the post when I referenced others projecting bitterness touched a nerve, that was not my intention but you do seem to take issue with what is startlingly obvious.
I would point out that I don't really need to be a mind reader to establish the behavioural patterns of both the OP and her DP - she has detailed both in great detail herself, if you can't spot that in fact I would suggest you go and seek some help.

You persist with the grand advice of 'relying on your gut' invaluable advice I am sure . Personally I will take the mass of evidence, available for all to see over countless posts on which I will be basing my opinion, call me old fashioned I know.

He isn't controlling, the OP sounds quite awful to be honest, it's not really even up for debate. That said, I wish them both well and hope they get the future at least one of them deserves

Nah, still not buying it. This is still your opinion, not the absolute truth. And I really don´t need to seek help because I disagree with you!

But I think we can agree on that we wish them both well.

Apologies this is a very quick reply while I'm feeding Ds, we've got a wedding this afternoon so I won't get another chance.

I do acknowledge that he's sensing that I'm feeling a bit detached/unsure and that's maybe why he's being more full on. I do think it's normal to maybe feel a bit off with your partner when you've got young breastfed babies though, particularly combined with being pregnant so I'm mindful not to make any big decisions just yet. I will talk to him tomorrow or Monday if he's a little hungover tomorrow.

I do love him and when we decided to 'go out' it was because I'd fallen in love with him, he'd just felt that way a while longer.
The FB relationship thing, I don't like to put relationship status at all, he knows this and he's teased me about it before. It was a joke though and not really anything to do with keeping my options open.
I really only have family or close friends on there and rarely use it. Dp does more so but his privacy settings aren't as high as mine and due to my job I like to keep links to my name on social media as low as possible.

@NotReadyForThisX2

All I have to say op is you are very lucky
I literally pray for my dp to act like this, show that he cares. The sad thing is my dp USED to be exactly how you describe yours... I took it for granted
After a big split we had and then getting back together he's never been the same since
All I'm saying is how he's treating you shows he cares, that he enjoys your company- would you rather he preferred the company of other women like my dp seems to be doin or not showing you he cares? I think you need to imagine him not being like this,would you miss it?

Lots of different views but for me that amount of texts would just be smothering.
The concern is that you think he may have deliiberately sabataged the contraception.... and its the thoughts leading to that conclusion that you need to explore further. If he has then thats wrong on so many levels

I'm sorry things aren't great for you @shakeitofff. Of course I want to know he cares and I want him to know I do too. I posted these things because a few things have happened/been said lately that I wasn't happy with. Those things made me look at our relationship in general, some parts I know myself need addressing but the things I mentioned in my opening post I wasn't sure on. From peoples responses and thinking more about what I'm comfortable with I'm going to address the calls/texts but not the other things.

That's been one of the things said that's caused me issue @HisBetterHalf. I feel terrible even thinking it and stopped myself posting just about that because it felt so disloyal. At first I had absolutely no suspicion at all, but he made a comment that's been playing on my mind. That along with what he said last week has made me feel unsure.

He's feeling a little worse for wear and we've got home and he's gone to bed. So going to talk to him later today if he's feeling ok or tomorrow. I've made a bit of a list in my mind about what I want to go over.

We had a bit of a talk last night but I struggled to really get across how I'm feeling. Dp apologised for what he'd said and explained something else he'd said better, so it makes sense. But other than that I don't think we achieved much. He promises he'll stop the things I don't like but he thinks our relationship is good and he's happy not insecure or jealous now. He thinks it's just hormones making me feel different and things will settle down. I don't know I felt he was a bit dismissive of my concerns but in a loving way. Not really sure how to explain

I mentioned maybe another baby and the wedding was too much going on for me and suggested we look at postponing the wedding (it's early next year). He absolutely doesn't want to do that though and said if we do we aren't getting married at all.

The threat of not getting married at all is all about control isn't it? Do this or I'll do/ not do whatever. As opposed to a man who listens then looks at ways to resolve the issue.

Talking to abusive, controlling men is useless in alnost every case .

so did you tel him his constant calls and texts are to much?
instead he pacifies you with empty apologies - and then uses emotional blackmail to keep you in line.
it's all on his terms - or not at all.

I would take him up on that. Say that you won't get married then. You can still live together if you want. Certainly don't marry someone you are unsure about because he is pressurizing you into it.

I can see the marriage thing from his side too though @MsPavlichenko and @sonjadog. If I'm not sure after six years and two babies, I'm I likely to ever be. If he was messing me around with marriage I'd be rightly told on here to get rid of him.
Marriage gives me more protection seen as I'm planning on working part time.

We spoke about the calls, he said he misses us and feels he misses out with Ds so likes to know what we've been doing. He'll calm it down though and he's sorry it was too much. The thing is when I talk to him about things he does stop. We had a lovely time at the wedding and we do in general really get on.

I wanted to postpone getting married until the year after baby was born because of work commitments when I was pregnant (and not being sure). My ex said if we did not get married when he wanted to, before baby was born, there would be no relationship.

I should have said okay then, no relationship. It was the biggest, most expensive mistake I have ever made.

He wanted to get married sooner @KTara. So he is already waiting. Did you have doubts about the relationship or just getting married?
I was feeling excited and everything had been really good between us. I think I always have that worry because of how he was early on and then with what he'd said it got me worrying.
I'm going to see how things go with what I've spoke to him about and decided on the wedding later.

My daughter's abusive ex did every single one of those things you listed..... progressing to rape, verbal abuse, controlling her EVERY move..... to name just a few examples..... and ended with him strangling, and almost suffocating her to death.
Get out.

25 texts in one evening
Bloody hell, I have just checked my phone, 25 texts from my DH takes me back to before Christmas.

The doubts were about getting married at that point in time. I had doubts about the relationship and things I was unhappy about, but not to the point of ending it. The doubts were about being married. Once we were married, the issues which had niggled in the relationship grew and it turned out very badly.

My point is that unless you are 100% sure you want to get married, do not do it. Especially do not do it because you are given an ultimatum.

So sorry to hear about your daughter @prettyatmidnight. I really don't think he'd ever physically hurt me. I'm not even sure what he does is anything more than just being a bit needy. I think how he acts and what he does now I've asked him to stop a few things will be most telling.

I know @Redshoeblueshoe. He's promised he'll dial it back. So I shall see.