Controlling or caring?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Would you see any of these things as red flags or just a good caring partner?

Lots of texts/contact through the day. Calls each lunch/break time and texts in between.

Always offering to take and collect from nights out/meeting friends. Even if it's inconvenient for him.

Booking and arranging lots of surprise trips/treats. Sounds lovely I know, but never really asking if you want to go/do it.

But generally not moody or upset if you don't answer texts etc or you say no to the lifts/trips.

Something's recently have made me start looking at his behaviour but just wanted opinions on these few things and if they'd be seems as controlling at all.

then asked what we were (me and Ds) up to today. I go to meet my grandma on Friday mornings and we go for a coffee/walk something, which he does know

On paper it does sound innocent but I knew what you were going to say before you said it. It is control and what you’re experiencing is the boiling a frog feeling.

It’s very hard as he could just be a bit OTT but it sounds like control, there’s enough that seems to give you discomfort that means it’s not on PLUS these things tend to climb after you have a baby etc; next thing you’ll be wanting to go to Sharon’s hen do at the local nightclub and you’ll receive 50 texts of an evening mostly building on why you’ve not responded to the previous ones all under the guise of “are you ok?” OR getting low level guilt for “leaving the baby”.

If any of this sounds familiar or like it could be a legit next step you have a controller.

No he wasn't @BlingLoving. But we were buying a house and had been together around 5 years. He definitely messages/phones more since Ds though and even more so since I found out I'm pregnant again.
He's not funny if I don't answer the phone or reply to messages though.

Yes he has friends and gets on really well with his family who are lovely @category12. He's one who prefers a few drinks in the pub watching footy to a big night out. But he's fun and we've always done lots together or with friends, gigs, festivals, nights out.

I will talk to him because I can feel things aren't quite right. We're at a wedding tomorrow though, so don't want to say anything before that and things be even weirder between us.
I think he's probably one award of it and not being controlling on purpose. It's just maybe his insecurity and his personality a little that makes him a bit full on.
It's weird I thought I'd struggle being a mum but I love it and I love Ds like nothing else in the world. If I'm honest it's maybe made me wonder at times if I really love Dp, where as he says it's made him love me more and his love for me is equal to that of Ds. That's not the case for me, but I'm still breastfeeding and I'm pregnant so I'm thinking that's maybe playing a part in how I'm feeling.

I’d be interested to know how much he contacts you when you’re out. And is it gentle reminders that he and ds miss you (guilt) or is it to make you feel proper bad about being out while he’s stuck at home?

Sorry @AttilaTheMeerkat. I did read your posts earlier but didn't have time to reply properly.
His family ate lovely, his mum and dad have what seems a very loving and equal relationship. Before me, one high school girlfriend of a few years and another of a few years, he's not big on one night stands but has a few shorter relationships. We were fwb for a while before we started officially going out but I was the one who wanted to keep it casual not him.

The clothes thing, wasn't him buying me it. He buys me clothes sometimes but it's stuff I'd like and choose. It was that he'd bought it and was telling me to wear it. I explained that to me it felt like 'you've got to wear this'. He apologised and said he understood why I felt like that, but it wasn't his intention. He just thought it was romantic.

I've actually been involved in the freedom program (work related) and I read the book again the other night. Although there's odd things that I think hmm, he does that or similar. The majority of stuff he doesn't though and I don't feel scared or worried at all about how he might react to something.

I've just looked and I got 25 messages on Saturday night and two photos @Cherrysoup. The first one being: did you get there ok? He dropped me off over the road.

I sent 5 back!

None that were to make me feel guilty though, well they didn't make me feel guilty anyway, but I don't think he intended them to.

Apologies for sp mistakes. My phone likes to change/predict what I want to write and my screen is cracked so I don't always read what it's put properly. Just noticed quite a few on my posts and they annoy me.

I genuinely think he's just a good guy. As long as he doesn't get angry when you don't do what he says and if he lets you go home alone if you ask them I think it's lovely.

I think the problem is if it's too much for you. I'd personally love this

he sent you 25 messages to disrupt the good time you were having and to ensure that he was at the forefront of your mind at all times.

He definitely knows what he's doing - just thinks he's being really clever with it and you will be too confused to see it.....seems to be working.

I think he sounds smothering. The dress thing would have been a major red flag for me. But then I am very independent and don´t appreciate a man telling me what to do. Odd that you got pregnant twice by accident...

I would proceed with care. Are you still working? Keep your job and your independence. Be aware of not getting trapped in this relationship ship.

25 messages in one night is definitely OTT!

last Two? Great, unless the surprise outings are totally inappropriate? Calling you/contacting throughout the day, would piss me off. My dh went through a phase of calling me in his lunch break and I found it so annoying as I was always busy with the kids. It’s was because he needed to chat, not checking up on me but Christ it did my head in. Have you talked to him about it?

I’d find 25 messages in a week suffocating.

He knows exactly what he’s up to

He's sent more than that today! Although s fair few were about logistics/times for tomorrow.
I'm still working (well on mat leave but going back) @sonjadog. He's very supportive of that though, despite my wage being taken by childcare fees. He knows I like my job and want to keep my career.
I'd say I'm independent too, but I think he'd like me to be a little less so.

I haven't mentioned the calls/texts as it's kinda crept up. When I was first on mat leave it was nice too, I was home alone most of the day so some adult contact was nice.

25 messages in one night? Look again at my message from 17.11 OP.

Controlling men always control.

He sounds a bit insecure to me rather than controlling. That much contact would do my head in though. You need to speak to him and ask him to rein it in.

It really sounds a bit much and he sounds insecure. Always needing validation / texts from you. Picking you up all the time imo is a way of checking you are where you said you were, making sure you come home. Getting the kids up is ridiculous, you don't live in a war zone, you are a grown women.

He just seems toooo attentive and Inpersonally would find it smothering. When my partner goes out. I might just send one txt if that. I'll leave her to it and she leaves me to it. 25 texts!! You must spend most of yo day / time out talking to him.

You're obviously uncomfortable with a gut feeling, time to express those to him.

You are not really allowed any space from him, are you?

why aren't you sharing the cost of childcare fees?
you need to do that so you still have enough left over for yourself to remain financially independent.

He's definitely paranoid

My husband does exactly these things and he does them to keep me safe and make me happy. Nothing else

I know he's a little insecure and he's admitted that before. But I thought it would get better but it seems to get worse.

I do have space though @KTara. I have my own friends and do go out a fair bit without him.

We would be @SavingSpaces2019. I just meant what I'll actually earn won't be far off childcare for two. We discussed it though and he agreed me staying in work (part time) and paying childcare was the best option.
We have a joint account and his wage is paid into it. It's me who has my mat pay still paid into my own account.

I will be talking to him about a few things. Just not until after our friends wedding.

Even the calls/messages @iftruthbetold? Are you happy with it?

@NotReadyForThisX2 absolutely but I must admit I'm abit of a needy cow anyway lol. I can see some might find it a bit much but it's how I like it

We text/call all the time and pick each other up so here none of that is particularly unusual.
You paying all the childcare less so.