Dating thread 160: fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

[CassettesAreCool]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

15/05/2019 19:56

That should say you have done NOTHING wrong scotgal 😊

Ah @khaleesi, be kind to yourself. I know you liked him so despite his ambivalence you hoped he would come around. Try and see it as a learning experience, if they aren't all in after a few dates it's very rare that they will ever be. We've all done it and it's not nice, he should have been more honest with you from the start but use it as a positive to build up your boundaries and in future not take scraps. Just take a few weeks off and concentrate on other things, you'll be fine and remember you deserve so much more than being someones option.

@scotgal2017 you didn’t do anything wrong, but as far as I can see neither did he. He’s messaged loads, yes he got a bit drunk and was obviously horny but I don’t think that’s a hanging offence, especially as you’d already slept together. But then you had the messages and not us and they’ve obviously made you uncomfortable and you have to listen to your gut.

I’d probably message him now saying “hey hope you’ve sobered up now lol. Still fancy that second date?” and push the ball back into his court. But only if you do actually want to see him again obviously.

scotgal I agree with Sidge. Hope you're ok 💐

Stealth I hear you on the clothes front. I'm a soft autumn and look best in fitted clothes as I'm an hourglass shape. What's in fashion hasn't been great for me for ages! I've been going out a lot more with Mr BC and I find it hard! I want to look good for him

Thanks for the advice, I can post the last portion of the text exchange if it helps to give a clearer view. Still not heard from him.... the softer side of me is wondering if he thinks/knows I've been uncomfortable last night and he's avoiding me because he's embarrassed /thinks he's scared me off? Is that a possibility? I would message him but I'm at the stage with dating that I would feel foolish if I ms sages him and he's decided he's no longer interested. I've had enough of guys playing games tbh and I find it hard to let my guard down so messaging in this situation is difficult for me. This is what is confusing me as he has been so nice, so interested and so communicative up until now - do players really go to all of this trouble (Mr Italy certain ly didn't! !).

Just catching up and will try and answer the questions. We have never discussed drink, I rarely drink and he didn’t seem to be the type that goes out and gets slashed. He wanted a bbq yesterday so I suggested a few drinks as I just thought it would be nice to have one as we didn’t have to drive. We went shopping and he bought 4 beers, I had some Malibu at home. We both had a drink at lunch time when we were eating/sat in the garden, he then necked half a bottle of rum when he was getting some food from the kitchen (just before my dc’s got home). Turns out he’s a ex alcoholic and rarely drinks anymore but didn’t want to say anything when I suggested a drink. He then later told me how nervous he was and that he had drank the rum to calm his nerves. Up until now we hadn’t really spoke much about out pasts, I wasn’t really planning on telling him personal stuff until I knew him better. He was quite upset about the rum, kept apologising and said he would never do it again 😐.
My dc’s are 13 and 15 and didn’t notice he was drunk (I didn’t notice at first). He has messaged me once since he’s been home but nothing since. He’s the 2nd person I have dated that felt the need to consume alcohol to calm nerves on a date but the other was a first date so slightly different. There were parts of the day that were great, we spent all day together before the dc’s came home, that’s when it seemed to go all wrong. If he was that nervous why suggest to come over to stay? He could have waited a few more weeks/months?
What am I looking for? Something in between FWB and a serious relationship, I don’t want someone to live with me, I don’t plan on every getting married again but I would like someone to spend a bit of time with, eat out with, the odd night away and to be exclusive. I’m not sure what he wants, I’m guessing he wants someone to do all the things he wants to do, he says he wants someone who will spontaneously say “lets go away for the night”, I can’t do that, I have kids and I need to plan ahead, I’m sure there are not many women in their 30’s that can just drop everything and go off for a couple nights last minute?

Sorry for the huge post. I am fed up with men thinking I can just slot into their life style without them making and compromise.

@Lovemusic33 the part of your post that sticks out to me is that he told you that he was an ex alcoholic and yet he is still drinking. I would say that he is still an alcoholic, especially if he had some beers and then drank half a bottle of rum secretly in your kitchen. That is worrying behaviour.

I occasionally have a glass of wine or two to calm my nerves or relax and I am not perfect, but he sounds like he could be trouble unless he takes steps to overcome his problem drinking. He is also putting you in a difficult position if he is saying that he wants someone who can be free to do things spontaneously, but is actively pursuing a relationship with you when you are unable to do this.

Has he asked you what you want from a relationship?

I agree. No such thing as an ex alcoholic. And certainly not one that drinks half a bottle of rum in secret to calm his nerves. He's an alcoholic. And still actively drinking. Do you want to get into a relationship with him knowing this? My husband was an alcoholic. I thought I knew about his drinking. As he drank lots of lager or wine every night in front of me. I didn't know about his secret drinking that was bottles of cheap vodka. I would walk from Mr Dog now in your shoes.

Just trying to catch up with the thread

@Lovemusic33 so sorry to hear this happened. No excuses/reasons/lies will justify what he's done. He needs to get some help as he has an addiction. Until he does that you need to walk away for you

@scotgal2017 I personally wouldn't text him, I don't think you have done anything wrong but it seems it's just sex for him. If that's all you want then text him. If not, then let him be and find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve. He will eventually come back for sex if that's what he's after.

Been chatting to one guy Mr Shorts. I'm calling him this as he's obsessed about a picture he sent me of him in his shorts.

He's ok, good looking. But I'm getting the impression he's just after sex and quite bad at how to even get it 😂😂

I hate all the boring chit chat on OLD.

I want throw down, I want excitement. I want to message someone thinking oh wow he's nice

I agree there’s no thing as a ex alcoholic, even more so one that actually still has a drink. My first relationships was with an alcoholic, he was an abusive twat.

Following on from abusive twats.... you can now get a police check on anyone you enter a relationship with (Sarah’s law), it’s something I think many people should do when getting into a relationship with someone you met online, we know so little about them, they could be hiding many things from us.

shitwith basically Mr Big told me he likes me and asked if I would consider dating him. We arranged a proper coupley date but then he has been flakey since about confirming ( I need to arrange a sitter) he either does like me but is a scaredy cat as said from offset he doesn’t want s big relationship OR he is a complete player. Either way I have shown my hand and been rejected but he thinks we can go back to normal. In my view the fact we message every day and have for most days of 4 months isn’t normal FWB and I KNOW I need to get some self respect and dump his ass but I can’t bring myself to 🙈

lifegoes exactly this!

love can you Claire Law check without good reason? I often think this. So many abiding arseholes out there. My ex was one. I don’t want another

@Lovemusic33 I agree it's good to have that for checking on child sex offences. But you still need to contact your police and ask them for the Information

I'd probably only do that if I had suspected someone and heading into a long term relationship and had young children

Oops, it’s actually Claire’s law (Sarah’s law is anyone who is contact with your child ), as from now you can ask for a police check on your partner, so you can randomly ask for a police check for every person you date but anyone who you are in a relationship with. You don’t need to have a reason to ask as far as I can see/read.

Men in their 40s that can't drive. Discuss.

@Lovemusic33 they will only disclose the information if they feel you are at risk and also keep in mind it's only if they have any abusive records on file.

Couldn't date them @LooUpdate I really couldn't.

It's fucking me off tbh. This is the 6th date with this guy and I always turn up stressed and sweating. (I can't drive either but taking my test soon). This guy mentioned it being expensive and that's his only excuse. Bloke gets taxis everywhere wtf?! THAT'S expensive

My point is, if a man seems like an otherwise nice guy except he can't drive, would you feel okay dumping him for that reason alone?

@LooUpdate no I wouldn't dump him for just being unable to drive. That's quite harsh especially as you don't drive either

@scotgal2017 I am wondering the same as Mr Runner is definitely less attentive now that he's had sex than before. But I had doubts before so I am glad I had sex quickly rather than stringing it all out before I got really attached to him. He has asked for a third date but I'm not going to go out of my way to stay in touch. I see it as a fun couple of dates and sex for the first time since my husband which was a great confidence boost. Perhaps Mr Runner will name the third date, perhaps I'm misjudging him, I don't know. But I can't change anything so I'm not going to dwell on it.

In the mean time I had coffee with Mr Smile, a lovely man. I didn't want to rip his clothes off but he seemed like a nice guy and I would like to see him again.

Thanks rich and notcool

I have totally learned my lesson... it was just he became so affectionate and sweet with his texts/calls. Maybe he genuinely wanted to give it a go or maybe he thought he'd string it along. I got the impression he liked me and our personalities clicked but he just wasn't attracted to me !!!!!

Either way, you're right - the first few dates are the most crucial and if he got cold feet early on then that's time to walk without looking back. I wil take a few weeks doing other things and reset myself. I'm not a game player at all but maybe too easy going, so will set the bar a good bit higher.

notcoolmum thanks i've heard about styled by susie. I must sign up.

shitwithsugaron I had my colours done with house of colour. It was expensive but worth it as my very small wardrobe is really coordinated and shopping takes me no time at all. I'm fairly well put together and I would say nearly every day someone compliments me on my outfit which is surprising given how few clothes I own. I have no natural style so credit house of colour for that. I thinkStyled By Susie does an online assessment at half the price too. It was about £150 5 years ago but I have easily saved that in not buying unworn clothes.

What do we all think about someone being online on WhatsApp...blue ticks for my message but he's not replying. I need to stop overthinking don't I?