Very complicated Situation - FWB/ Friend/ Ex - Need advice please!

[sheryl77]

I’ve been ‘seeing’ a guy since last August who was my ex 17 years ago (we were together for four years). We meet every few weeks for sex (he’s in between two countries) and both agreed it would be fun, no commitment (I’m just in the process of getting divorced and he’s been recently hurt).

When we are together, its amazing..great sex, we talk, he confides, he spends the night (he asks to stay), we are literally on the floor laughing when we are together. When we are not having sex, he’s always initiating cuddles in bed at night and in the morning randomly holding my head up to kiss me like a boyfriend (albeit, he’s not). He’s asked me out for brunch the last time we meet and I declined as wasn’t ready to ‘step outside’ with him.

As it’s casual, I am guessing he is seeing other people (I am not as have no time and not one to shag multiple men). Anyway, he uses a condom on and off…I ask him everytime and I know it takes two, but last time he didn’t use one at all despite me asking… (Yes, I know I should respect my body and I should of insisted!).

I sent him a text a week after we met saying I think he’s seeing other woman and to please respect me by wearing a condom. Also be good to know if he has a girlfriend as I don’t want problems! He texted back saying ‘Can’t be acting like your boyfriend, I’m not! (with the nickname he calls me). I responded asking him if he thinks I think of him as a boyfriend (!?) and that I just asked him to practise safe sex that’s all and this feels like its becoming complicated and if this was not fun anymore, we’d better say goodbye….He hasn’t responded in 3 days…

He’s done this awful ‘silent treatment’ before and we end up meeting again…we kind of go through stages where we feel we shouldn’t see each other anymore (I think its because we both freak out we’re getting close or maybe I’m reading too much into things?).

He’s very complicated and I know from being with him previously, when he fears being hurt, he shuts down.

I’m giving him space and won’t contact him again, but can anyone fathom why he’s acted like this? Perhaps he didn’t want to be honest and say he had so deflecting it back on me? I started seeing him when I was having a marriage breakdown and I was always honest with him but if seems he can’t give me the same respect!!

I think I know the answer but I think I need to let this guy go? I don’t need any pain, but the sex is amazing and I do like him as a person (but defo not for long term). I know he likes me as a person, so I don’t know why he acts like this. He told me before he shuts down as its like a self defence thing.

What do you think? Please be gentle as don’t think I can take harsh words on this.

Anyone have similar experiences? Is this a fuck buddy/ friends with benefits or just too bloody complicated?

Thank you x

Oh and each time I've ended it and said 'good-bye' he will usually send a text saying the same wishing me the best or whatever. Is he thinking about things or is his silent treatment a goodbye?

I think it's too complicated. He may well just be shutting down as a defence mechanism, but also his response to you asking him to practise safe sex was appalling - he's turning a completely reasonable request from you into somehow making it out like you're trying to make him seem like a boyfriend.

Furthermore, not wearing a condom when you've explicitly asked is a HUGE red flag. Seriously - I was shocked at that.

You know yourself you don't want him around long term, so honestly - just from reading this - I'd say there's no point. Cut him off. FWB never ends well anyway.

it's ALL about Him, his needs his wants his sexual gratifications including NOT wearing a condom.

He's a DICK.

Take back control and block him FFS.

Take control of your life and your sexual health OP. Bin him.

Yes @bumblebeee69 I agree its all about him. He told me he was selfish from day one..

@peigi - Yes, I guess if hes not wearing one with me he won't be with others. He does know me however and knows I haven't 'been anywhere' as was in a marriage for 17 years and pretty much sexless for a year before we starting hooking up!

I don't even think I'll block him, he'll be in touch I think and then I'll just do what's done to me. Silent treatment.

@joystir59 - yes sexual health is very important! I haven't had casual sex before so not used to the whole condom thing. If you ask a guy to put one on, surely he stops at that point and respects you enough to do so?

Did you know he wasnt wearing one? Isn't "stealthing" illegal now? Even if its not, it should be.

He isnt showing you much respect. I dont know what he is doing not replying but he doesnt seem to care. Move on, definitely.

@johnstir59 - no I knew...I should of made him stop...just got carried away so I guess it takes two to protect themselves!? I don't know..

Call me stupid, but I actually think he does care. He doesn't show emotions well. Never has. Maybe Im just making up excuses..I have to say I am hurt that he can do this, whilst it was just casual he knows what I've been through with my divorce...well actually I guess he doesn't care as he wouldn't of done what he's done.

He sounds like a dick. It was a simple request and if you can’t have simple conversations re boundaries and sexual health you shouldn’t be sleeping with him IMO. FWB should include some mutual respect.

@foxmuffin - I agree. I was just asking him to respect me and to tell me if he had a girlfriend as I don't want problems.

I just thought that after 10 months of 'seeing' each other and being his ex, he wouldn't treat me like utter shit.

He burnt me the first time and I didn't learn my lesson. I'm an idiot.

He is a nasty man who doesn’t listen when you tell him you want safe sex. Let him be as silent as he likes. And you be silent, too. Have nothing more to do with him.

He's a bastard. He's safe in the knowledge that you can't pass on an STI to him, because you don't sleep around, and he's also safe that he can't get pregnant and have to deal with that.

I couldn't get past this, OP.

@hollowTalk - I've hinted that I maybe seeing other people so he doesn't think I am just shagging him, but he probably does feel safe in the knowledge that I won't have an STI as I'm not 'easy' and don't sleep around. Deep down he knows this.

How do I get over this pain of having someone do this to me? My ex husband emotionally abused me and now I have this experience to get over. I just want to curl up and sleep for days to be honest but have to keep going because of my 4 year old son.

I think you feel bad because you feel out of control with this, and if you took back control you'd feel a lot better.

I think you should end the relationship. It's too murky, too complicated. It's a mind-fuck. Why not send him a message saying that it's not working for you and that you wish him well but don't want to see him again. Then cut him out of your life.

You deserve only to have people in your life who want what's best for you and who show you respect. If you do that, you'll feel much better.

In the meantime all the usual things apply - be kind to yourself. Eat well, get some exercise, get plenty of sleep. Have hot baths, listen to good uplifting music, read books that will make you happy.

I was reading Michelle Obama's memoir recently and a line really struck me where she looked at Barack (before they were involved) and thought what a good man he was. What would you think if you looked at this guy - "He's a player?" That's not someone you want to spend time with.

@hollowtalk - the out of control thing is very true. I dreamt I had a car accident last night and apparently that symbolises you feeling out of control.

I already said to him if it wasn't working, better to end it here. I think that's said enough really if I don't contact him again.

Definitely a mind fuck. He was always this way. I should of known better I think thats why Im so annoyed that Ive done this to myself again. I Dint learn my lesson.

The thing is when I look at him I don't see 'player', I feel sorry for him as clearly he has issues and its probably the 'I want to fix you' bad boy thing. He's 45 so I would of thought he would of being a player was past him.

I sent him a birthday card last week (he won't get it until he gets back to London). I hope he feels bad at the way he's treated me. Maybe not but at least I can sleep at night.

Ill try all these things but this is going to be hard. I feel betrayed (once again).

I think I'll let things calm down if I do contact him again. If I do, it will def be to say I deserve better.

How do I get over this pain of having someone do this to me?

Sorry to be harsh but this is because I hope to change your perspective do you don't get hurt again .. you let someone do this to you. You decided to have a fwb with this guy, someone who 'burnt you the first time'.

Tbh that has 'ends badly' written all over it.

• so

I know it's hard, but don't give it much headspace and focus on getting 'closure' or wanting him to feel bad. It doesn't matter.

It's apparent that a relationship wouldn't work with him, and now a fwb (predictably) wouldn't work with him; that's all you need to know. Concentrate on building up your social life, hobbies, activities, dating (not inc. sex), having fun and enjoying your life.

45, FFS - has he even been married or committed to someone in a significant way? Unfortunately some people's player days are ongoing, no matter how old.

Doesn’t sound like this relationship is with a friend, or has many benefits for you.

Don’t risk your health and wellbeing by continuing with it. Not worth it.

“How do I get over this pain of having someone do this to me?“

Cut all contact with your ex. Freedom Programme. Work on yourself and “boundaries” before dating again.

Look, no matter how much you want this guy to admit that you are the love of his life, he isn't going to. He's a fanny rat, who is going to be a lonely old man, not because he likes casual sex (nothing wrong with iing casual sex with mutliple partners) but because he is immensely selfish, manipulative and dishonest.
Bin him off and walk away.

You know what you need to do OP. How you stay strong and deal with the heartbreak is the real question. 3 things: 1) break contact; 2) write a list of all the shitty negative things he has ever said or done and look at it whenever you feel weak (put it on your phone notes); 3) make plans to fill the void this leaves, get busy with friends, hobbies etc. Then let time do it's thing. You are so much better than this guy. He's not complicated he's just a dick. for you.