Very complicated Situation - FWB/ Friend/ Ex - Need advice please!

[sheryl77]

I’ve been ‘seeing’ a guy since last August who was my ex 17 years ago (we were together for four years). We meet every few weeks for sex (he’s in between two countries) and both agreed it would be fun, no commitment (I’m just in the process of getting divorced and he’s been recently hurt).

When we are together, its amazing..great sex, we talk, he confides, he spends the night (he asks to stay), we are literally on the floor laughing when we are together. When we are not having sex, he’s always initiating cuddles in bed at night and in the morning randomly holding my head up to kiss me like a boyfriend (albeit, he’s not). He’s asked me out for brunch the last time we meet and I declined as wasn’t ready to ‘step outside’ with him.

As it’s casual, I am guessing he is seeing other people (I am not as have no time and not one to shag multiple men). Anyway, he uses a condom on and off…I ask him everytime and I know it takes two, but last time he didn’t use one at all despite me asking… (Yes, I know I should respect my body and I should of insisted!).

I sent him a text a week after we met saying I think he’s seeing other woman and to please respect me by wearing a condom. Also be good to know if he has a girlfriend as I don’t want problems! He texted back saying ‘Can’t be acting like your boyfriend, I’m not! (with the nickname he calls me). I responded asking him if he thinks I think of him as a boyfriend (!?) and that I just asked him to practise safe sex that’s all and this feels like its becoming complicated and if this was not fun anymore, we’d better say goodbye….He hasn’t responded in 3 days…

He’s done this awful ‘silent treatment’ before and we end up meeting again…we kind of go through stages where we feel we shouldn’t see each other anymore (I think its because we both freak out we’re getting close or maybe I’m reading too much into things?).

He’s very complicated and I know from being with him previously, when he fears being hurt, he shuts down.

I’m giving him space and won’t contact him again, but can anyone fathom why he’s acted like this? Perhaps he didn’t want to be honest and say he had so deflecting it back on me? I started seeing him when I was having a marriage breakdown and I was always honest with him but if seems he can’t give me the same respect!!

I think I know the answer but I think I need to let this guy go? I don’t need any pain, but the sex is amazing and I do like him as a person (but defo not for long term). I know he likes me as a person, so I don’t know why he acts like this. He told me before he shuts down as its like a self defence thing.

What do you think? Please be gentle as don’t think I can take harsh words on this.

Anyone have similar experiences? Is this a fuck buddy/ friends with benefits or just too bloody complicated?

Thank you x

Let’s hope so. I haven’t been been in touch with him since Saturday and have no inclination to contact him after getting you ladies support x Let’s hope I can stick to it and stay strong

I left my marriage in February. I had to get over the loss of a 17 year old relationship and now 3 months on I’m grieving the loss of my last relationship before my marriage! Have to be strong for my son. I have no choice.

As of tomorrow you've done 5 days no contact, if you can make it to 10 including your lovely weekend, you'll be feeling SO much better after bank holiday Monday. You've got this!x

Feel like shit today but calmer. I know what I need to do (and not do!). Leave him to stew in his own filth, not worth my head space or energy x

That's great @sheryl77! You're over the frantic bit where you get an idea in your head and can't see past it. I get that too sometimes about various things and because I'm bipolar I go totally manic and frantic then regret it the next day! You've done really well and not given in to impulse reactions - feeling calmer already is brilliant and you have a lovely sunny bank holiday weekend to look forward to

Thank you for taking the time to post. I feel calm but anxious if that makes sense. Just went into London and nearly had a panic attack! It’s all been too much. Divorce, this mess. Maybe I am creating drama where it shouldn’t be but I’m really hurting x

Why are you hurting OP? Do you think you actually might like a long term thing? He might be up for it too.

I think he’s made it clear how he feels by saying he’s not my boyfriend. I’m hurt because I cared for him as someone who was in my life and one of my first loves. I thought there was a connection with him because of our history, I was with him for four years but realise that I was just a shag. It’s soul destroying.

It didn’t feel like just sex when we were together so I feel misled.

I wanted him to have fun with for a while but not as a boyfriend long term. Maybe that’s selfish of me.

I never asked him to spend the night, he always did. He used to do things like cup my face with his hands and so affectionate I’m just very confused. I thought he had some kind of feelings for me and I realise now he doesn’t. It hurts

FFS @pollyshelby this man is not worth a long-term thing. He might be one of those men who actually really don't like women, with an active agenda to encourage the women they are fucking to believe/hope that a 'proper' (ie longterm, monogamous) relationship is on the cards even though they state explicitly that it isn't. For men like this, the goal is to hurt the woman and make her look and feel foolish, particularly if she's been unladylike enough to state that she only wants a bit of fun. Because such men only feel like they have 'won' when the woman concedes that she has some feelings for the man and maybe they should try having an actual relationship - the man has carefully manipulated her into this position just so he can feed his ego by mocking her and shutting her down.

Of course, OP's knobby ex may not be smart or spiteful enough to do this kind of thing, he might just be a selfish, lazy prick who doesn't care in the least what she thinks. But that's not worth having, either.

He used to ask me when I was going to Spain as he’s going too...it felt like a hint as he asked me twice. Last year he said about going to the Grand Prix and I said I was going and he said if I invite him he’ll come! When I was leaving my husband he asked me to meet him abroad...and he also wanted to take me out for lunch last time we met so you see it’s mixed messages

Sorry if I'm overstepping or the below isn't how you're feeling I think you have a big bowl of emotions at the moment:

• Incensed and defensive (understandably) he has assumed you saw your relationship differently to him or saw you as desperate

• Upset you feel now a little regretful about having sex with him as it's ended in an upsetting way

• Worried (maybe subconsciously) that you won't meet someone you like as much in future

• Sad you've lost someone you considered a good friend

I would try to acknowledge and process these feelings in order to move past them - otherwise you'll stay on the level you are now when you just feel generally shit about the situation.

Address each reason you feel hurt, acknowledge your feelings are valid, but accept it's done now.

Easier said than done I know but if you don't do this then you'll be stuck on a Groundhog Day of why did he / how could he etc.

It's time for the future now OP!

I don’t agree a woman saying she just wants to have fun when she’s coming out out of a 17 year relationship is unladylike!!! Why is ok for me and not women!??

And it isn't really mixed messages - he's never followed through on the bigger plans, just spoken about them.

Some people just like playing the role of a partner (love bombing / future faking) but the reality is they are disconnected from this role and can quit it at any time without regret.

I know it's shit but dwelling won't help.

Yes, maybe. He said he doesn't live his life with regrets. Now I know why!! I hope his dxxx drops off.

@ReanimatedSGB I cant believe some men would be so awful to do this. What do they achieve out of it? Does it make them feel better?

We both said it was fun, unfortunately for me because he was an ex, I had feelings come up I didn't expect. Not love, just care I guess.

@thatcurlygirl -I really hope he didn't see me as desperate. That's awful. I just appreciated his friendship as he was fun and I know I will miss him. I know I'll meet someone else, someone better than him.

I didn't consider him a good friend, just someone that was part of my past and who I presumed CONSIDERED me as SOMETHING. He didn't. Very clear.

I will laugh if he contacts me again though. When we've 'had words' before, Im usually the one that contacts him, last time it was him though and he acted like nothing had happened (Typical).

I think thats the thing, part of me wants him to contact me so can say 'no thanks' or just ignore him all together as he has with me. He probably won't put himself in that situation though, will he!

Sorry OP if I missed the mark, it was just my reading of the situation I definitely don't think you're desperate! Glad you're taking control of things with him

No, thats fine! You can't read my mind lol. I was thinking just now that he hasn't responded to my goodbye as he probably wants to leave the door open to screw me when I've calmed down! I am now pretty sure of this to be honest. Let him think he has another chance!

he probably does feel safe in the knowledge that I won't have an STI as I'm not 'easy' and don't sleep around

With the greatest respect, you are the easiest shag he's ever had. He offers you no commitment, no exclusivity even, he openly flaunts that you are only a shag and nothing more, and you have sex with him anyway. He doesn't even have to take you to dinner.

FWB are great for men. They get all of the sex, with absolutely no need to perform any boyfriend or husband qualities. Men can easily shag without getting any feelings, women not so much (basic biology I'm afraid).

I'm not saying this to be horrible. You sound lovely and deserve someone who can't wait to be your official boyfriend. This guy is just going to mess with your head.

"Basic biology"
Speak for yourself, there are plenty of women who can shag someone without developing any feelings. And plenty of men who cant.

This guy doesnt just not have feelings- he is being actively rude.

I disagree and this hasn't been easy to read. I think that's what FWB or fuck buddies are. It's supposed to be simple, but in this case it wasn't and I guess a lot of the time it isn't and ends up badly.

Im not sure on this debate on whether its great for men and women cant do it. I think its easier for men, yes for sure.

At the end of the day, I wanted just sex as well. Unfortunately for me, I still cared for him.

I don't want a partner, thats why it worked well.

All I wanted was some respect.

Thats all.

He's already messed with my head.

I think he's just keeping the door open as thinks he can shag me again. No he doesn't give a damn, thats clear but whatever.