Very complicated Situation - FWB/ Friend/ Ex - Need advice please!

[sheryl77]

I’ve been ‘seeing’ a guy since last August who was my ex 17 years ago (we were together for four years). We meet every few weeks for sex (he’s in between two countries) and both agreed it would be fun, no commitment (I’m just in the process of getting divorced and he’s been recently hurt).

When we are together, its amazing..great sex, we talk, he confides, he spends the night (he asks to stay), we are literally on the floor laughing when we are together. When we are not having sex, he’s always initiating cuddles in bed at night and in the morning randomly holding my head up to kiss me like a boyfriend (albeit, he’s not). He’s asked me out for brunch the last time we meet and I declined as wasn’t ready to ‘step outside’ with him.

As it’s casual, I am guessing he is seeing other people (I am not as have no time and not one to shag multiple men). Anyway, he uses a condom on and off…I ask him everytime and I know it takes two, but last time he didn’t use one at all despite me asking… (Yes, I know I should respect my body and I should of insisted!).

I sent him a text a week after we met saying I think he’s seeing other woman and to please respect me by wearing a condom. Also be good to know if he has a girlfriend as I don’t want problems! He texted back saying ‘Can’t be acting like your boyfriend, I’m not! (with the nickname he calls me). I responded asking him if he thinks I think of him as a boyfriend (!?) and that I just asked him to practise safe sex that’s all and this feels like its becoming complicated and if this was not fun anymore, we’d better say goodbye….He hasn’t responded in 3 days…

He’s done this awful ‘silent treatment’ before and we end up meeting again…we kind of go through stages where we feel we shouldn’t see each other anymore (I think its because we both freak out we’re getting close or maybe I’m reading too much into things?).

He’s very complicated and I know from being with him previously, when he fears being hurt, he shuts down.

I’m giving him space and won’t contact him again, but can anyone fathom why he’s acted like this? Perhaps he didn’t want to be honest and say he had so deflecting it back on me? I started seeing him when I was having a marriage breakdown and I was always honest with him but if seems he can’t give me the same respect!!

I think I know the answer but I think I need to let this guy go? I don’t need any pain, but the sex is amazing and I do like him as a person (but defo not for long term). I know he likes me as a person, so I don’t know why he acts like this. He told me before he shuts down as its like a self defence thing.

What do you think? Please be gentle as don’t think I can take harsh words on this.

Anyone have similar experiences? Is this a fuck buddy/ friends with benefits or just too bloody complicated?

Thank you x

@thatcurlygirl I’d never actually say that to him, I just want him to know I don’t have feelings for him. Is silence the best way to do this then? What about the birthday card!? As he’s so egotistical that’s another sign of my ‘deep love’ to him (obviously) rolling eyes emoji

Why should I let him walk away thinking he’s screwed me, had his cake and eaten it and I’m sitting here pining away for him to love me?

Thing is, he's right (maybe not love but anyway) - your head is full of him and you just let him breeze over the boundaries you supposedly had. You want to contact him, you want to leave communication lines open - these are not ways you're going to come out looking like you're not bothered.

Hi, I feel like I’ve half closed the door and it’s still open that’s the thing.

My head is full of him yes as he’s the first man I’ve been with since 17 years of marriage.

No offence but if you were in a relationship with him and 'got burnt', how was he your friend. How was he ever going to be your friend.

It sounds like you need to be a bit more hard-line and cynical.

He was a shit person to pick for fwb for the reason above. He shouldn't even have been given the time of day by you.

I agree, it wasn’t the best move but I didn’t think we’d end up shagging for the best part of a year! It was supposed to be a one night thing.

and I’m sitting here pining away for him to love me?

The most effective way of proving to him you are not; is to not contact him again, move on and forget about him. Not that proving anything to him should matter, it should be more about your own recovery.

When we met for the first time it was just like the fun happy times we had when we’re together that’s why. He felt like a friend as I felt like we’d become close but i realise now it was all an illusion.

You can close the door by blocking and deleting him and nipping down your local GUM clinic.

It was supposed to be a one night thing.

Well at least you got of year of decent sex out of it .

But he doesn't work for you as fwb material and he doesn't work as relationship material; so time to cut your losses, leave him behind and move on.

You are right, I shouldn’t need to prove anything to him but they’d how I feel unfortunately. I hate leaving things badly with anyone, it cuts me up inside but as he doesn’t give a shit I’ll jist have to do the same

Yeah a sexual health check would be a good idea given you've gone unprotected. You don't want this twat to endanger your future fertility with clamydia or something.

Ha! Indeed amazing sex actually. Always the way isn’t it :-(

I’ll get another check up, I have one for months ago when he didn’t want to wear a condom!

I hate leaving things badly with anyone

I used to be like that, I recommend growing out if that. Some people and situations don't deserve a 'nice' civil, no hard feelings wrap up. That's just the way itbis- and it's not a failure on your part.

Thanks for this. I can really see you point. He doesn’t deserve it probably but as I said the killing people with kindness in these situations is appealing to me.

I won’t block him as I think that does look like I care

And next time he feels like a booty call and says all the right things?

He took off his Facebook messenger status for a couple of weeks now it’s back on. Idiot. Mine is off now (for him anyway) so he can’t see when I’m online.

Not that he gives a shit obvsiously

Any text you send saying ‘it’s over’ or suchlike just reiterates to him that you are trying to reinstate contact because you are sat there pining for him!! It’s obvious!

If you really don’t want him then dignified silence all the way. But you’ve posted this thread just to talk about him because you do like him ☹️

Next time he wants it I’ll invite him over (40 min drive) and he’ll find I won’t be home! My property is gated so he’ll be sat looking at a gate and my house. This is the type of sweet ‘no thank you’ I want!

See! You’re obsessed! Watched my his fb status now!

He already knows he's got you hooked. Blocking and deleting him is the way to take charge of it, not looking at his status like a mooncalf.

I do like him yes I didn’t say I didn’t :-( I also care about him (stupidly). There’s not much I can do about my feelings...

You are all right, I won’t contact him again. I’ve said this is becoming too complicated for me and better we end things for good if this doesn’t feel like fun anymore. He didn’t respond and I said what I said so there isn’t much to say now is there :-(

How does he know I’m hooked?

I didn’t look at this status by the way, I was on messenger talking to a friend and saw on my contact list he was online. That’s all :-(

How does he know I’m hooked?

Because he can breeze past your boundaries, get you to go unprotected when you start off saying condoms only, he can ignore you for days and then pick you up again, and you keep going back for more. That's how.