Very complicated Situation - FWB/ Friend/ Ex - Need advice please!

[sheryl77]

I’ve been ‘seeing’ a guy since last August who was my ex 17 years ago (we were together for four years). We meet every few weeks for sex (he’s in between two countries) and both agreed it would be fun, no commitment (I’m just in the process of getting divorced and he’s been recently hurt).

When we are together, its amazing..great sex, we talk, he confides, he spends the night (he asks to stay), we are literally on the floor laughing when we are together. When we are not having sex, he’s always initiating cuddles in bed at night and in the morning randomly holding my head up to kiss me like a boyfriend (albeit, he’s not). He’s asked me out for brunch the last time we meet and I declined as wasn’t ready to ‘step outside’ with him.

As it’s casual, I am guessing he is seeing other people (I am not as have no time and not one to shag multiple men). Anyway, he uses a condom on and off…I ask him everytime and I know it takes two, but last time he didn’t use one at all despite me asking… (Yes, I know I should respect my body and I should of insisted!).

I sent him a text a week after we met saying I think he’s seeing other woman and to please respect me by wearing a condom. Also be good to know if he has a girlfriend as I don’t want problems! He texted back saying ‘Can’t be acting like your boyfriend, I’m not! (with the nickname he calls me). I responded asking him if he thinks I think of him as a boyfriend (!?) and that I just asked him to practise safe sex that’s all and this feels like its becoming complicated and if this was not fun anymore, we’d better say goodbye….He hasn’t responded in 3 days…

He’s done this awful ‘silent treatment’ before and we end up meeting again…we kind of go through stages where we feel we shouldn’t see each other anymore (I think its because we both freak out we’re getting close or maybe I’m reading too much into things?).

He’s very complicated and I know from being with him previously, when he fears being hurt, he shuts down.

I’m giving him space and won’t contact him again, but can anyone fathom why he’s acted like this? Perhaps he didn’t want to be honest and say he had so deflecting it back on me? I started seeing him when I was having a marriage breakdown and I was always honest with him but if seems he can’t give me the same respect!!

I think I know the answer but I think I need to let this guy go? I don’t need any pain, but the sex is amazing and I do like him as a person (but defo not for long term). I know he likes me as a person, so I don’t know why he acts like this. He told me before he shuts down as its like a self defence thing.

What do you think? Please be gentle as don’t think I can take harsh words on this.

Anyone have similar experiences? Is this a fuck buddy/ friends with benefits or just too bloody complicated?

Thank you x

My mistake that I'll have to live with.

For him, me asking for him to be respectful is causing 'drama' or giving him stress, so in return I get shut off like I'm nothing. Basically, that's what he thinks. It feels lovely after shagging someone for nearly a year and having spent 4 years of my life with them!

Clearly I'm just gullible.

If you didn’t want him as a boyfriend why do you keep going on about him cupping your face?

And where you describe yourself as ‘one of his holes’... that’s the kind of thing that a poster earlier was referring to when they said you sound misogynistic.

Because for me thats a mixed message!!

OK, if thats how I sound, don't know what to say. I'm not. That's simply how I feel because of the way he's treated me. I came on here to get support, not to be attacked.

And I mentioned him cupping my face once due to me thinking that meant something because he was affectionate. Thats all.

All of the things you're saying, just go to show how women do find it hard to have sex with a man and not eventually develop feelings.

It's a biological fact that the bonding hormones released during sex will mean that if you keep having fun times, and good sex with one man, you will develop feelings.

In my opinion, women should never have regular sex with a man who openly tells her that she's not good enough to be his GF or wife. Just don't do it to yourselves!

I read about this biological thing as well.

He never said I wasn't good enough to be his GF (He'll never get married!), I was his GF in the past..thats the problem...anyway, his actions have spoken louder than words.

Definitely learnt this type of 'arrangement' isn't for me. I think anyone that can do it hats off to them as sometimes you do just no strings but clearly I picked the wrong guy or it just doesn't work for me for my self esteem.

He wasn't like this in the beginning. He just seems to be like this the last couple of months which made me presume he now has a girlfriend (and dare I ask him!), that SO deserves the silent treatment.

He actually told me when we first starting talking last year, he didn't give a f about people and if someone didn't like him they could go and f themselves - no matter who it was.

Dear god, whatever was I thinking. I actually did this to myself. I should of known better!!

Oh my god OP it is so painfully obvious how much you want him to confess his undying love for you. You are lying to us, and yourself, when you say you don’t have feelings for this man and that you don’t want a relationship with him. You do.

It feels lovely after shagging someone for nearly a year and having spent 4 years of my life with them!

But that’s all you were.. a shag.
I’m sorry if that’s brutal and you don’t want to hear it but he never thought of you as anything more. He doesn’t even respect you. He doesn’t love you and he never will. Stop overthinking and analysing his behaviour and what he does. I don’t know what else you expected to be honest.. his behaviour and attitude towards you clearly states how he feels towards you so I don’t know why you were expecting any decency from him?

I’ve cuddled and kissed a man that I didn’t give a shit about.

It didn’t feel like just sex when we were together so I feel misled

You weren’t mislead. He couldn’t have been more obvious. You chose to believe his affection meant something more

I haven't said I didn't care for him, I do. I don't want a relationship with him, how can I when he treats people like shit?

I have no reason to lie, again I did care for him. Love. NO!!

I never thought he did love me, I just thought he may care for me as an ex. Thats all! But thanks...

As I said I made a mistake and no I won't analyse his behaviour anymore. It's not worth it. I just need to focus on myself now.

@RRJR - maybe thats the case. I don't really want to be attacked and have brutal comments. I just want support on how I'm feeling. No point in analysing it now anyway.

Oh and I expected some kind of decency as he was part of my life for years! Maybe Im just different and expect too much from people. Clearly.

A friend with an sti just doesn’t have that same snappy sound as friends with benefits.

Dump him, he’s only holding you back from finding yourself a boyfriend to call your own (even if you’re not quite ready yet). Your body deserves the respect you ask of him, he’s taking the bloody mick!

@NannyRed - thanks for your comment. Yes my body does deserve the respect I ask. It's not really a lot to ask, is it!

I'm going to take time for me now. My marriage was a failure, cant do friends with 'benefits' so I think I'm done for a while...

OP you have contradicted yourself in the thread and it feels like you are going through inner turmoil and trying to work your situation out.

At times you have referred to yourself and your behaviour in allowing this to happen as wrong. At these points you accept it was FWB situation.

At other points you blame him, say he misled you and that you wanted more respect.

Posters that point out that you knew it was a FWB/player situation or similar are told that you are on here for support, but it's hard to support you as you are going around in circles and not moving on.

Either way - blame him, or you or both , but what about you now? Why not block and move on?

It’s because I’m very confused and yes in emotional turmoil. He probably was very clear in his actions and I just didn’t see it, if didn’t want to.

I’m moving on and will block him. I just need to be ready. This weekend I’m doing a clear out of anything related to him and will do it all together. It’s just the way I do things.

I don’t think he misled me in hindsight I just read too much into it. He told me at the beginning ‘he owed me nothing’ (when I made a joke about him driving my car and the tyre needed replacing!). I know now that he was telling me something I just didn’t choose to believe it.

Im moving on but I need time this weekend to process and then bin.

I accept it was FWB but actually he wasn’t anywhere near a friend or anyone that remotely cared for me. That’s what I’m struggling with really.

I was his fxxx buddy, plain and simple.

Contradicted myself again! You see, confused.

I’m pretty certain he won’t contact me again anyway! Why would he if he can’t get any now!

I’ve been abused by men since I was five years old so it’s part of a deeper issue I’m dealing with. I’m not saying it’s abuse as such but with my husband being violent towards me and my childhood issue I think this was just the final ‘Is it me?’ point

My ex husband to me also threw me childhood abuse back in my face through spite very recently and I really do have self esteem issues now. I don’t feel of value to anyone and this has heightened my feeling.

I’m moving on and will block him. I just need to be ready. This weekend I’m doing a clear out of anything related to him and will do it all together. It’s just the way I do things.

This sounds ideal I think, your headspace will be in getting rid and physically ending contact. Well done

Fellow abuse survived here - every man who has ever continued this cycle with me has added to the cumulative after effects, which make me more likely to doubt my judgement and start the cycle again with someone new (albeit probably subconsciously).

I think I've so badly wanted to have one man in my life who was 'good' to prove they don't all act that way, but I wanted it so much I would fall for lovebombing easily and blame any discomfort on me. Eg I'd think on paper he's good in lots of ways so it must be me?!

IT IS NOT YOU! It was only 'me' in that they were the kind of men who (perhaps unknowing) were attracted to vulnerable women who have been hurt and so may buy into a superficial layer of 'goodness'. Take control and break the cycle.

Anyway I'm rambling! Counselling has honestly turned that around for me and it really worth doing the freedom programme too x

This is so blatantly obvious