Very complicated Situation - FWB/ Friend/ Ex - Need advice please!

[sheryl77]

I’ve been ‘seeing’ a guy since last August who was my ex 17 years ago (we were together for four years). We meet every few weeks for sex (he’s in between two countries) and both agreed it would be fun, no commitment (I’m just in the process of getting divorced and he’s been recently hurt).

When we are together, its amazing..great sex, we talk, he confides, he spends the night (he asks to stay), we are literally on the floor laughing when we are together. When we are not having sex, he’s always initiating cuddles in bed at night and in the morning randomly holding my head up to kiss me like a boyfriend (albeit, he’s not). He’s asked me out for brunch the last time we meet and I declined as wasn’t ready to ‘step outside’ with him.

As it’s casual, I am guessing he is seeing other people (I am not as have no time and not one to shag multiple men). Anyway, he uses a condom on and off…I ask him everytime and I know it takes two, but last time he didn’t use one at all despite me asking… (Yes, I know I should respect my body and I should of insisted!).

I sent him a text a week after we met saying I think he’s seeing other woman and to please respect me by wearing a condom. Also be good to know if he has a girlfriend as I don’t want problems! He texted back saying ‘Can’t be acting like your boyfriend, I’m not! (with the nickname he calls me). I responded asking him if he thinks I think of him as a boyfriend (!?) and that I just asked him to practise safe sex that’s all and this feels like its becoming complicated and if this was not fun anymore, we’d better say goodbye….He hasn’t responded in 3 days…

He’s done this awful ‘silent treatment’ before and we end up meeting again…we kind of go through stages where we feel we shouldn’t see each other anymore (I think its because we both freak out we’re getting close or maybe I’m reading too much into things?).

He’s very complicated and I know from being with him previously, when he fears being hurt, he shuts down.

I’m giving him space and won’t contact him again, but can anyone fathom why he’s acted like this? Perhaps he didn’t want to be honest and say he had so deflecting it back on me? I started seeing him when I was having a marriage breakdown and I was always honest with him but if seems he can’t give me the same respect!!

I think I know the answer but I think I need to let this guy go? I don’t need any pain, but the sex is amazing and I do like him as a person (but defo not for long term). I know he likes me as a person, so I don’t know why he acts like this. He told me before he shuts down as its like a self defence thing.

What do you think? Please be gentle as don’t think I can take harsh words on this.

Anyone have similar experiences? Is this a fuck buddy/ friends with benefits or just too bloody complicated?

Thank you x

In 'The Sociopath Next Door' by Martha Stout, she says something along the lines of, 'if someone treats you badly, yet you somehow end up feeling sorry for them, chances are you are dealing with a sociopath. '

Decent men don't ignore a request to use a condom. they don't do 'the silent treatment'. they don't leave you feeling confused and second-guessing yourself.

FWB isn't a situation that should be as angsty as this too. At the very least, you are not really suited to this FWB situation, at least with him. At worst, he is nasty, deceptive and a user.

Either way, hopefully this is it done now.

I know you feel sad and hurt - this set up had loads of upsides, it was fun and exciting and distracting, and it's perfectly natural for you to feel sad now it's over. It will pass - treat yourself nicely for a few days, allow yourself to feel the loss of this fun interlude and you might be surprised by how quickly things get brighter.

What I don't advise you to do is search around for some way to blow this up bigger than it is - either by deciding it "says something" about you and your relationship style/self esteem, etc or that he is some unmitigated sociopath who cruelly used you and treated you badly.

(Aside : the condom thing? Yep, grade a dick head. Get tested, know for next time.)

You had a fun, affectionate fwb set up. These things usually have a short shelf life and yours has reached the end of the road. Again, you're allowed to be sad about this, but don't let your normal, predictable feelings of sadness trick you into thinking it therefore "must have" been more significant than it was, or that he must therefore be a monster who was cruel to you.

There can be a temptation to think "I knew it was just fwb, and yet now it's over I feel sad. Therefore I'm either an idiot or he's a cad, since surely I knew what I was getting into?" But the reality is that you are still allowed to feel sad even if you knew this would happen.

Even your title - this isn't "extremely complicated"! You were fwb with an ex for a bit, now it's reached an end. Dont make drama where there isn't any!

"but he probably does feel safe in the knowledge that I won't have an STI as I'm not 'easy' and don't sleep around. Deep down he knows this." YABU for that disgustingly misogynistic and ill informed comment alone!

He's using you and making no pretence of the fact.

In addition if you REALLY thought it was casual you wouldn't care how he behaved (aside from sexual health aspect).

Honestly at this point you should block him and get a full sti screening done.

And yes to freedom programme or other therapy too

Thank you x

Sorry but I do think I should care now he behaves when it’s risking my health. I don’t understand the comment on ill informed comment, how am I being sexist?

Thanks everyone for your comments. I’m not sure how to reply to each one as I don’t post regularly but reading your comments is making me feel like the best thing to do is to cut him out of my life.

For the poster who asked if he had a serious relationship yes he did for seven years and she left him....that was 3 years ago.

I’ll just concentrate on myself and maybe get some counselling. I do have low self esteem issues and I don’t know why. I was sexually abused when I was younger and my ex husband was emotionally abusive and also for physical at the end. I have a good job and an amazing son and family so don’t know why I always settle for second best.

I do feel like I need closure but I think best to leave it as is as god knows what response I’ll get if I do contact him.

Not sure I feel used as such just let down that someone that was part of my life for four years could treat me indifferently but then he did that in the past.

I’ll have to look at why I put myself in this situation. He’s very good in bed....I was weak I feel.

Clearly this is more than a FWB arrangement for you, despite you insisting that it’s nothing but casual to you, you seem desperate to believe that he feels more than he’s saying and there’s some deep and meaningful reason he’s gone all silent now, protecting himself from being hurt or some such bollocks.

There isn’t, it’s just sex to him. He hasn’t been in touch because he knows you’re pissed off at him and he won’t be getting any.

The best thing that can happen now is that he’s taken your “if this isn’t fun any more we’d better say goodbye” as you ending things.

However I am guessing you’ll get in touch with him at some point soon if you don’t hear from him.

There’s only one way this is heading for you, and that’s pain, hurt and heartbreak.

Sexist for describing women who enjoy frequent casual sex with multiple partners in a derogatory manner.

Ill informed for thinking you're almost immune to sti's simply because you wouldn't place yourself in the above demographic!

You could well have an sti, even more than one, even using condoms isn't a guarantee.

Yes maybe I do think that. I’m just finding it hard to believe! I’m not some random woman I’m his ex. Clearly I thought too much of him.

I feel I need closure, is that so wrong?

When he was with me he never acted like it was just sex and that’s why I’m confused. Is that what players do? I don’t know!

I’ll have to just face the hard reality I was just pxxxx to him and not let it happen again.

I’m sorry if came across like that, I didn’t mean that at all! There is always someone wanting to attack.

I have no judgement on women doing that I was just saying what he knows I’m not ‘easy’. Oh I give up honestly, it wasn’t a sexist comment

That is EXACTLY what players do. They get to be players because they act in loveable ways....

Someone recently said to me kill your enemies with kindness and that’s what I feel like doing. He knows and said I’m a good person I want to make him feel like shit for making me feel like shit!!!

And I’m already in pain, hurt and heartbreak because of this. I don’t think it can get much worse to be honest

Lots of you have made comments on him using me but when it’s casual aren’t you using each other??

Look, trying to hurt him won't help you. For a start, he doesn't care about you enough for your anger or criticism or ignoring him to cause him any pain at all - he will just move on to another compliant woman he can fuck till he gets bored. If you let your anger and distress lead you into doing something illegal in an attempt to punish him, you end up in trouble and, unfortunately, looking like a desperate loser and a nasty person.
I'm sorry you have been mistreated in the past, but that is why you have poor self-esteem - because people - men - have deliberately trashed it for you. Before you date anyone else, spend some time exploring your feelings, maybe with a support group or counsellor, or you will find yourself with another nasty man who treats you badly.

Hey, I wouldn’t do anything illegal or anything like that. I’m probably going through the ‘crazy’ ‘anger’ phase right now but it’s not in my nature to do that.

I would just like to see him again just to kick him the hell out!! I feel like I’ve lost control and somehow need to regain control of this situation.

I don’t want to feel like I’ve been screwed over or used and that’s what I feel. I don’t want to play the victim as I should of known all along what he was like!!

People clearly do not change and I didn’t learn a lesson. I’m just very disappointed in myself!

This** OP.....

He’s very complicated and I know from being with him previously, when he fears being hurt, he shuts down.

I doubt very much he shuts down for fear of being hurt, this is what you want to believe, when in reality he probably doesn't give a shit about you. By responding back to him asking if he thought you thought he was your BF you have dwelled to much on the statement he said ( about being your BF ) so you've given the impression that you want to open a discussion about the situation. If he can't respond in a respectful manner about the condom issue he is a rude arsehole really. I would leave him well alone & close that door, with your dignity intact.

You can take back control by controlling YOURSELF and not sending anymore messages. I'm sorry to say he doesn't care, he's made that obvious. I'd be very surprised if he doesn't contact you again if you go NC, ego and all that. Show him he's nothing to you but a FWB by cutting contact. You don't need to tell him you don't want to see him anymore, you've already done that.

I asked him the boyfriend question with exclamation marks it was more what are you thinking!???? I really don’t think he thought I was a discussion point as I said you really think I think of you and boyfriend!?

My dignity isn’t in tact though, is it!.

I need him to know that as he’s an egotistical prick that i don’t have feelings for him!! Why should I let him walk away thinking he’s screwed me, had his cake and eaten it and I’m sitting here pining away for him to love me? That’s not the case. I simply cared for him as my ex and wanted respect. That’s all.

He’s very complicated and I know from being with him previously, when he fears being hurt, he shuts down.

Ugh these 'complicated' ones are always the most simple IME! And the hurt / shut down thing is a total excuse for "I avoid confirmation, commitment or accountability at all costs".

I won’t text him to say about his ego. If I do decide to text him it will be to say never contact me again but you know what there’s just no point is there as he probably knows now.

That actually makes sense @thatcurlygirl
Your probably very right in what your saying. Just an excuse for poor behaviour

I need him to know that as he’s an egotistical prick that i don’t have feelings for him!!

Noooooo OP the more negative or pissed off stuff you say to him the more he will think you're mad or over invested or desperate - withdrawing with dignity and silence feels SO MUCH BETTER in the long run!

The thing is I feel like an idiot as I actually thought we were ‘friends’ and sent him a fucking birthday card!! He won’t get it until he gets back to the UK and I just feel like an idiot.

Sorry OP cross posted there - please try to just withdraw from the situation and not add fuel to the fire, I promise it will make you feel stronger. Imagine if you call him out on being a dick and he ignores / blocks you etc - you'll feel shit! Time to move on from him xxx