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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair opinions pls

112 replies

Gutted74 · 18/05/2019 18:16

Hi my husband had an emotional affair last year with a neighbour. We moved house for a 'fresh start' with him promising no more contact. I gave him that chance because we've been together so long and have children and nothing like this had ever happened before between us.

Anyway I don't know why but I had a niggling gut feeling so a couple of weeks back I logged into his mobile account online expecting to find nothing, just looking for peace of mind I suppose that she was still out of the picture. Well what i did find was call upon call upon call, mostly daily and multiple times a day from a week after we moved in until the present day. For examplw one month he had spoken to me in total for 5 hrs but 17 hrs to her!!! So much for a fresh start. I was so angry I text her and told her to stop calling and texting my husband etc etc. Of course she was straight on the phone to my husband. Cue him contacting me and practically begging me to believe it is only phone calls (which I actually believe but that really isn't the point is it?) and they just get on well. What u need to speak to a friend 9 times a day with some calls being a 1 in the morning (She's a single mother by the way).

Since then our daughter broke her arm very badly and had to have surgery so it was obviously put on the back burner as my daughter is more important. She's back home now on the mend and stupidly I looked at the screenshots I took of his excessive calls and it's all hit me like a truck again today. I can't look him in the eye. And yet I love him so much. Is it possible to hate some and love them at the same time because that's how I feel. He knew how much it would hurt me if I found out yet he did it anyway. He said to me that he knew he should tell me but he didn't know how. To me that's a cop out.

So I just want anyone who has been thought this emotional.affair rubbish with their husbands to give me some words of wisdom, as I dont really have anyone I can talk to confidentially about this. Did your marriage survive this kind of infidelity? If do how did you work through it? Or did you end things?

I'm so torn. I thought I was a strong person and would never tolerate this crap from my husband but I feel broken and just want to shut myself away. I know no one can tell me what to do I would just like to hear about other women's experiences. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Plipplopbop · 18/05/2019 18:24

My DP had a short EA (4 weeks). The difference was he finished it, blocked her and never unblocked her again. The fact that your DH hasn't means he doesn't understand or take responsibility for it.
We went to a councillor, I was intending to leave but actually it really helped us both. To have any hope he has to block her for ever and KNOW (rather than just say) that his marriage and you are THE only thing.
I get the hate/love, it's horrible, and even though you're hurting don't do the pick me dance and be prepared to leave as he may not put in the effort he needs to to save the marriage he damaged.

Summerorjustmaybe · 18/05/2019 18:26

His need for his ego stroked is stronger than his need for his marriage.
You were more understanding than I would have been first time op.
It's a ltb from me.

Original poster
Gutted74 · 18/05/2019 18:30

Thanks for your reply. When I first found all these calls I made it clear that for us to survive he needs to block her permanently. He said he would but to give him til the weekend (!) as he would need to tell her!! Just after the weekend my daughter broke her arm so I didn't get the chance really to check that he had blocked her. I'm going to ask him but I'm betting he hasn't.

I've already got one foot out of the door but I really want to trust him and don't really want to end the marriage but I know i will if I have to. It's so hard because we have 3 children and I've been in love with this man since my teens. I'm now in my 40s so I've spent all my adult life with him.

OP posts:
magoria · 18/05/2019 18:30

Your H created a situation where yours and your DC's home lives were uprooted and messed around from what they knew for a 'fresh start' which he never intended to happen.

I don't think I would ever forgive a man who was happy to do that to my family.

He is sneaking downstairs while you are asleep to contact her. He waits until he is sure you are asleep, sees you lying there and still does it behind your back.

He isn't sorry he has done it. He is sorry you have caught him and burst his dirty little bubble.

You will never be able to trust him. You can check his phone every day but you will never know if he has got another one or if he has deleted all the messages.

Your marriage as you know it is over.

Isth · 18/05/2019 18:30

Oh OP Flowers I personally think I would struggle to even start to move past this. Had he have blocked her and not lied to you from the first time, maybe, but I couldn’t forgive the repeated betrayal.

Original poster
Gutted74 · 18/05/2019 18:33

Do you.know it's stupid really. If he had been unfaithful in the sexual sense I even would have forgiven him once. But it's the betrayal I'm finding hard to deal with, all the secret calls.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gutted74 · 18/05/2019 18:36

And I can't understand the attraction. Without wanting to sound like I love myself because my confidence really is at an all time low because of this, but I'm more attractive than her, better educated, everything really. Sorry that sounds awful I know but it is true.

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 18/05/2019 18:37

He just doesn’t respect you. That’s what it boils down to.
It’s your choice if you can live with that.

feministwithtitsin · 18/05/2019 18:38

If the EA was so bad that you both chose to move house, (which is a pretty massive and expensive thing to do). He shouldn't be calling her. And he knows he shouldn't be calling her, whatever he says to try and minimise.

I don't know if I could forgive this. Where does it end? How dare he!

Lefty1 · 18/05/2019 18:40

Ltb , he doesn’t care about your marriage , if he did he wouldn’t have continued to be in contact. You both moved for a reason and then he does that ...speaks volumes. Get angry OP , how dare he treat you like this! Use that anger to do what you need to break away from this liability Flowersx

Plipplopbop · 18/05/2019 18:42

When OW took a friend's phone and contacted my DH, he immediately showed me, we drafted a reply together and then blocked the new number. I think one chance is fair but a second one will probably eat at you. I would not make a decision straight away, give yourself time to think it through, but if I found out my DH was back texting the OW he would be out the door this time. So sorry for your discovery OP.

feministwithtitsin · 18/05/2019 18:43

He asked for the weekend to break it off??????

Oh hell no.

icecream432 · 18/05/2019 18:48

How can you be sure nothing physical happened between them?

And even if it didn't. In some ways the his obsessive EA seems just as bad. Possibly worse. 17h worth of calls 😮 wow. What were they talking about.

Original poster
Gutted74 · 18/05/2019 18:55

Exactly. What were they talking about? And no I can't be sure it wasn't physical. My gut tells me it wasn't but I guess guts can sometimes be wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Gutted74 · 18/05/2019 19:35

And there's the question of what I do as regards the OW. I feel like going to her house and basically going nuts at her but she has 2 young children there so I won't do that. I'm better than that. But I feel like she has to know that she's 50% responsible for as good as ruining my marriage. I'm getting angrier by the minute tbh.

OP posts:
JoinTheDots · 18/05/2019 19:41

Sadly, he is still emotionally involved with her. You are sharing him and his attention, affection and love. I would not be prepared to share.

You gave him another chance and a fresh start (I would have too) but he has thrown that back in your face by continuing contact, and lying about it. That signals the end for me.

Justbreathing · 18/05/2019 19:57

No she hasn’t ruined your marriage. I would be highly unsurprised if he’s lied and lied and lied to her. He’s probably spun all kinds of things about you and your marriage.

And if you think you love someone. As you do. You will believe the lies. Because to not believe is to realise that you’ve been played like a violin.

Summerorjustmaybe · 18/05/2019 20:03

I find it hard to believe he is sooo interesting their conversation will last all week end...
He is shagging her op.

Juststopit · 18/05/2019 20:10

My ex had an ea and I gave him another chance but he still worked with her and was still involved with her. I wish I had just ended it the first time. Would have saved the year long heart ache I put myself through. Once the trust has been broken once it’s hard, but twice?
Do yourself and your kids a favour and end it.
My ex is now alone, she didn’t really want him once the thrill was over. My daughter doesn’t speak to him, his son barely sees him and he’s lost his home. All for the ow.

You will be ok, better than checking up on him forever more.

Original poster
Gutted74 · 18/05/2019 20:19

Juststopit I know I should walk away. I'm finding it very hard though. Up until this we've always been very close as partners and as a family. Maybe it's a mid life crisis? We are in our early 40s and she is about 12 yrs or so younger

OP posts:
Juststopit · 18/05/2019 20:41

It may well be, I think my ex’s was. 2 years on I still think about it. But at least I can’t be betrayed anymore. It’s hard whatever route you choose.

PJMasksAreOnTheirWay · 18/05/2019 21:02

No your marriage won’t survive as the affair is still continuing.

Leaving it until the weekend is just insulting to you and shows he cares more about her feelings than yours.

MuthaFunka61 · 18/05/2019 21:15

Ask him to go to Relate.
If he says yes you've the opportunity to move on,if this is what you want.
If he says no,you have your answer.

Relate will be able to help you handle this whether you go as a couple or alone.
Good luck

Justbreathing · 18/05/2019 21:18

@MuthaFunka61
I agree.
Anyone who refuses counselling is basically saying they give no fucks.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2019 21:19

You just want someone to tell you it will be ok if you stay with him, don't you ?

It really won't

And they have shagged, I wager my house on it. Men do not go to this extent for a woman they have had some nice phone chats with

Wake up