Emotional affair opinions pls

[Gutted74]

Hi my husband had an emotional affair last year with a neighbour. We moved house for a 'fresh start' with him promising no more contact. I gave him that chance because we've been together so long and have children and nothing like this had ever happened before between us.

Anyway I don't know why but I had a niggling gut feeling so a couple of weeks back I logged into his mobile account online expecting to find nothing, just looking for peace of mind I suppose that she was still out of the picture. Well what i did find was call upon call upon call, mostly daily and multiple times a day from a week after we moved in until the present day. For examplw one month he had spoken to me in total for 5 hrs but 17 hrs to her!!! So much for a fresh start. I was so angry I text her and told her to stop calling and texting my husband etc etc. Of course she was straight on the phone to my husband. Cue him contacting me and practically begging me to believe it is only phone calls (which I actually believe but that really isn't the point is it?) and they just get on well. What u need to speak to a friend 9 times a day with some calls being a 1 in the morning (She's a single mother by the way).

Since then our daughter broke her arm very badly and had to have surgery so it was obviously put on the back burner as my daughter is more important. She's back home now on the mend and stupidly I looked at the screenshots I took of his excessive calls and it's all hit me like a truck again today. I can't look him in the eye. And yet I love him so much. Is it possible to hate some and love them at the same time because that's how I feel. He knew how much it would hurt me if I found out yet he did it anyway. He said to me that he knew he should tell me but he didn't know how. To me that's a cop out.

So I just want anyone who has been thought this emotional.affair rubbish with their husbands to give me some words of wisdom, as I dont really have anyone I can talk to confidentially about this. Did your marriage survive this kind of infidelity? If do how did you work through it? Or did you end things?

I'm so torn. I thought I was a strong person and would never tolerate this crap from my husband but I feel broken and just want to shut myself away. I know no one can tell me what to do I would just like to hear about other women's experiences. Thanks for reading

@Hailthelime thanks for your response. This was what I had in mind when I posted, I wanted to find out other women's experiences and how they dealt with it. Alot of people on here are telling me to leave and tbh if I was giving advice I would say rhe same. ultimately it's something I have to work out for myself and at the moment I'm really not sure if I can live with the betrayal or not so time will tell. I'm sorry to hear what you went through. Men really seen to want to have their cake and eat it don't thwy7

He is making a fool of you though, I understand its not as easy as just leaving but I would get him to move out, even on a temporary basis. At the moment he thinks you will put up with anything as that is what you have shown. There is ZERO chance of your marriage getting back on track and the affair stopping unless you take action now.

Everyone says LTB but they haven't been through it. When you have years and years of history and this comes out of the blue and is out of character you question whether he has really changed and isn't the man you knew and loved. My husband made a mistake. A bloody enormous one that I'll never let him forget but it doesn't come up all the time like you would think it would. I've never thrown it back in his face (I thought I'd find it impossible not to). I made him tell his parents what he'd done because I wanted them to know he wasn't so bloody perfect. He was so ashamed and he tries not to think about it now whereas I talk about it (only if appropriate) because it helps me deal with it. I read a really interesting book about infidelity which helped me make sense of it. I can't remember the name of it. It talked about windows and doors and letting people in making you vulnerable. Basically if you leave your windows and doors open you let people into your head and heart and let them get close to you. That's dangerous. That's things like work colleagues, friends partners, neighbours etc. talking about emotional stuff, relationship problems and letting them in. You may form a closeness with them, sharing problems. Add alcohol to the mix and you can be asking for trouble. For me the thought of splitting up was enormously hard and I think it was easier to rebuild as I knew ultimately our relationship was good and worth trying to save. I haven't forgiven him. I never will but it isn't holding us back. We are happy. It happened because he was stressed. We'd bought a house that need loads doing to it, he was stressed at work. We had a baby. The women was after him. She sent him a Valentines card at work. He then discovered it was from her. She saw me at a social function with him. Then he was drunk at a works do. After it started he struggled to break it off because he felt he owed her something. I get that. He's a nice guy. He didn't think he deserved another chance with us until I told him that he'd made a massive mistake. He couldn't turn back time but he could either spend his whole life regretting losing everything or try to make it work. X

He does need to prove it has ended. I see nothing wrong with checking his phone bill. Eventually you won't feel the need to but that comes with time.

Um ok!
Poor husband with that evil woman who she trapped into having an affair!!!
Blimey.

The book is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

But she has already given him a chance, they moved bloody house for gods sake and it didn't end, still going on.

Oh dear OP this is not going to end well for you.
He will carry on seeing her. You will tie yourself up in knots, anxiety and anguish over what he is or isn't up to.

I know you've been with him all your adult life and so don't know any different but believe me there is still a good life for you out there in the world without him.

Why live like this just because you've been with him a long time?
Life's too short OP.

Hailthelime. Similar situation in my case except it was something I discovered 10 years after the time because the stupid bugger had left longing songs and poems he wrote about her in a drawer and I came upon quite by chance, in his case I think it was somewhat one sided, a crush where he went way too far. Again like you it was a very bad time, mother dying, business issues etc and I think he used this ‘one sided emotional affair’ as an escape from the crap and a bit of a ‘lift/buzz’. I think the young woman involved (who worked with us) was naturally a very friendly person and thought it was just that ‘good friends’ and there was a lot of texting at the time and ‘popping round to her families house’ I’ve since seen texts on old phones and there was nothing implying anything else other than ‘over involvement ‘ in a friends kind of way. Thing is though as you say you can kind of forgive but it does change something deep down, in their case she went away with him a lot on work things so lots and lots of time together and alcohol and meals together (it’s entertainment business) In my case it certainly buggered my 100% trust which I had never had any reason to doubt and made me feel a bit second rate, I certainly didn’t get songs written for me. He personally thinks he was ‘off his head’ and can’t explain it and it’s not something he wants to be beaten round the head with or mentioned. Life isn’t black and white though and the good thing is that has made me realise we were far too co dependent and I have since built a friend network and anything like this again and I will definitely go. I did think about it because it does haunt you a lot at the start but to be honest he has a lot of very nice traits too and I know hates the fact that he broke trust and I can’t feel 100% quite the same

It happened because he was stressed. We'd bought a house that need loads doing to it, he was stressed at work. We had a baby. The women was after him. She sent him a Valentines card at work. He then discovered it was from her. She saw me at a social function with him. Then he was drunk at a works do. After it started he struggled to break it off because he felt he owed her something. I get that.

Poor baby. Being forced into sex by fairly mundane circumstances and an evil woman. Still, if all that justifies it for you then crack on. Tbh I think the excuses are pitiful but it’s not me having to live with this poor helpless sap.

I'm shocked at the negativity on here. Shouldn't we be supporting each other? I commented to support a woman in need. I haven't forgiven my husband and I certainly will never forget but until you've been in that position (and I hope you never will) you don't know how it feels. There is never an excuse for cheating but there can be reasons behind it and the victim looks for explanations within those reasons and they may give slight comfort!

Because most people know what bullshit is when they see it.

Totally agree @Hailthelime. Unfortunately MN isn't really a place to come for support - even if that is what the OP specifically asks for. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course, but to shoot people down for their actions and reactions to affairs is horrible.

Every situation with affairs is unique and "LTB" can't just be the automatic response. Life isn't that black and white. Getting over an affair - if that is even possible - is intensely hard work and emotionally draining (I know from personal experience) and sometimes not even possible despite your best efforts, but affairs don't necessarily mean that a relationship is broken beyond repair.

I also read the book @Hailthelime recommended - Not Just Friends - and it gives a really helpful insight into how affairs and why affairs can develop. It really helped me realise how my H's affair wasn't a case of him turning from me to the OW but more about being flattered by the interest she showed and feeling attractive again (and of course all the filthy messages). And no, before the vitriolic posters flame me, I'm not saying "poor him, tempted away by evil woman" - I'm fully aware they were both equally guilty but he was the one who had made vows to me so he is the one I blame. I'm not so naive that I blame the OW in these situations.

OP, though, I've been watching this thread and for me it would be difficult to recover from your situation. You went to the effort to move house and even then he couldn't keep away from her? He has been continuing an emotional affair all this time - will you ever truly believe he isn't still speaking to her? In my situation, he has immediately told and shown me every time OW has contacted him since he ended things (she has been persistent and shameless about the whole thing...) Your H needs to do this too - you need to come first.

@TryingToCope101 he has blocked her now and he has shown me that he's blocked (yes I know it's easy to unblock too!). I have his log on details for his phone bills and I changed the p/w!! For my peace of.mind I will be checking his records every month although he doesn't know that, but I did tell him that if I ever find out that just one text or phone call goes between them i will leave. And i do mean that.

It's very hard for me. We've been together for 26 yrs and in all that time he has never done anything like this and has basically been the perfect husband and father so no it isn't as easy as leaving him without looking back I just don't recognise him at the moment.

And I don't blame just the OW although as far as I am concerned she is 50% responsible. She lived across the road from me and made every effort to be friendly to my husband but used to literally ignore me every time she saw me! She's lying low at the moment but tbh I'm looking forward to when I eventually bump into her, because I know I will. I just really want to humiliate her I guess. Can't help but be very angry with them both.

@Hailthelime thanks for your comments they have really been a help to me as has @TryingTo Cope101. When I originally posted it wasn't for advice of whether to leave or go as only I can make that decision obviously I just wanted other women's experiences with this type of affair

@Gutted74 - sorry you have had so much negativity and spitefulness (for want of a better word). I'm in the aftermath of trying to build a marriage after my H's 6-week affair with a colleague - it's bloody hard work and every day I wonder if I can do it. Or if I want to. But at the moment I am just of the mindset that I need to have given 100% effort. If after that I know I can't forgive or I won't be happy, then I will move on.

Although the OW wasn't a friend of mine, she still works in the same office as my H and lives around the corner (her DC starting at the same school as mine in September). Although I've seen her out and about quite a bit, the only time I've actually run into her in person, she has hidden from me. Hold your head high and stand proud - you have done nothing wrong, she has/he has. Look happy and confident (even if you're shaking inside) and try to resist the urge to show her up. I'm looking forward to proving I am the bigger (and nicer) person. (Not difficult when comparing myself to a women who hassled me once I found out, tried to break me with detail after detail of their affair, and who told me she was a nice person and so sorry, hoped I would forgive him etc while at the very same time begging my H to let her sleep on his floor if he moved out...)

I would advise you and your H reading the book we mentioned earlier. And getting counselling - either together or separately at first (which we have done) - if you are both serious about trying to move on.

Feel free to DM if you want to chat too. I had some great support via DMs from MNers. x

But it’s just this concept of blame.
From both of you. Onto the OW

What you don’t realise is you’ve been played like a fiddle.

You have no idea what awful things he’s said to the ow about you. Because he has. You have no idea of the promises he made, the wishes he had told her. Because he’s done all of those things.
It’s as if you both think he slept walked into the arms of a siren who he couldn’t resist.

That’s not how it works. But if you want to believe that then ok.

He’s lied to everyone. Consistently, and he’s taking the path of least resistense

I wouldn’t cheat on someone who I respected. Regardless of love or commitment
It’s about respect.

And I’ve been on both sides of the coin. So I can tell you. The truth he’s told you is not the truth.

@Tryingtocope101 thank you it means a lot. I'm just amazed at how many women out there have no respect for other people's relationships. I would run a mile if I was single and found out the man was involved.

When I think of the OW I just see a stupid little girl who clearly has no social skills (shes 12 yrs younger than me) My husband has had female friends over the years and it's never been a problem for me. But one thing sets them apart from the stupid one - they have always wanted to be introduced to me, presumably because they don't want me to get the wrong idea and I've also become good friends with some of them.

I'm going to read the book you have suggested so hopefully it will help and thanks again x

@Justbreathing yes everything you've said I have thought to myself. From a blame point of view I think it's 50/50. Yes my husband is the one who is married but she knows my children and they used to play with her children. Why would you want to bring misery on those children by potentially splitting the family up? When i lived across the road i so wanted to go and have it out with her. But one thing stopped me and that was her children. I didnt want to scare them so stayed away as not their fault their mothers a tart. My husband has been getting hell from me but I don't see why she should be sitting pretty taking no blame at all. I know ultimately the anger won't get me anywhere but hey we're all human

I've been a RN for 20+ years please do tell what Rx did your lying,cheating husband go on that could make him prone to cheat? Seriously I'm very curious

I give up!
He did it twice. Not just once. I do believe people can come back from an affair. But not in the circumstances you give. Unless you’re willing to live with the lies and pretend they aren’t lies.
I hope for your sake that he does change because a life with someone who has very little respect for you is no life. And I’m not trying to be a Bitch. I am a realist.

I e got a friend who has taken her husband back after he did this to her. She gets by on blaming it all on meds and the ow. I feel sorry for her. Her dh is still in contact with the ow. But she doesn’t want to know.

Tell the bitch to back off . And give him an ultimatum. No Contact or this marriage is over .

@Thedilemma111 I've done exactly that. She's running scared from me now which I find hilarious because I'm such an easy going person. And Yes I've told him anymore contact and I'm gone. You.might have seen on one of my previous posts that I have access to his phone records so I will be keeping an eye out

Sounds like you'll be playing the role of jail warden forever then