Emotional affair opinions pls

[Gutted74]

Hi my husband had an emotional affair last year with a neighbour. We moved house for a 'fresh start' with him promising no more contact. I gave him that chance because we've been together so long and have children and nothing like this had ever happened before between us.

Anyway I don't know why but I had a niggling gut feeling so a couple of weeks back I logged into his mobile account online expecting to find nothing, just looking for peace of mind I suppose that she was still out of the picture. Well what i did find was call upon call upon call, mostly daily and multiple times a day from a week after we moved in until the present day. For examplw one month he had spoken to me in total for 5 hrs but 17 hrs to her!!! So much for a fresh start. I was so angry I text her and told her to stop calling and texting my husband etc etc. Of course she was straight on the phone to my husband. Cue him contacting me and practically begging me to believe it is only phone calls (which I actually believe but that really isn't the point is it?) and they just get on well. What u need to speak to a friend 9 times a day with some calls being a 1 in the morning (She's a single mother by the way).

Since then our daughter broke her arm very badly and had to have surgery so it was obviously put on the back burner as my daughter is more important. She's back home now on the mend and stupidly I looked at the screenshots I took of his excessive calls and it's all hit me like a truck again today. I can't look him in the eye. And yet I love him so much. Is it possible to hate some and love them at the same time because that's how I feel. He knew how much it would hurt me if I found out yet he did it anyway. He said to me that he knew he should tell me but he didn't know how. To me that's a cop out.

So I just want anyone who has been thought this emotional.affair rubbish with their husbands to give me some words of wisdom, as I dont really have anyone I can talk to confidentially about this. Did your marriage survive this kind of infidelity? If do how did you work through it? Or did you end things?

I'm so torn. I thought I was a strong person and would never tolerate this crap from my husband but I feel broken and just want to shut myself away. I know no one can tell me what to do I would just like to hear about other women's experiences. Thanks for reading

AnyFucker of course deep down if I'm honest with myself I know you are right in everything you say it's just really hard for me to accept

I am sorry x

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry your going through all of this! It's not fair. You did nothing wrong.

Op your situation has really struck a chord with me as i'm struggling with similar myself. Dh and I are married, together nearly 20 years, 3 primary aged dc.

Dh had an emotional affair over the space of around 2.5 months with a woman from his work which ended 3 months ago - and I know her too to make it worse, although we weren't friends. I found out when I discovered WhatsApp messages between them - genuinely, I wasn't snooping at all and looked at his WhatsApp with his permission for a message from our son - and found messages going back a week or so which he'd obviously thought were deleted and weren't.

I confronted him and we had the holy mother of fucking rows. Didn't speak for a week, he was devastated, we decided to make a go of things etc. Then I found another message between them a WEEK later - brief but instigated by him. He was lending her something he'd heared she was looking for or some crap...but it was flirty/bordering on sexual, full of innuendo and inappropriate as it was before.

Had I not found this second set of messages, I think the EA would have continued. But I confronted him again and now I am 100% certain it's ended.

I know what you mean about knowing you're better than the OW - and yes it sounds awful and big headed but that's the case with me too. OW is less attractive/intelligent etc than me. I don't know if that makes it easier or harder to deal with.

Our relationship has been great, even at the time of the EA - he's a fantastic husband and father and I love him so much. I still can't believe he did it. It was at a time of huge upheavel and stress in our lives (probably one of the worst times we've been through really) and he says it was an escape type of thing. Very sorry, loves me, has now blocked her on everything.

Contrary to some of the other posters, I would bet my life on it that there was nothing physical between them - without being too outing, the opportunities/logistics just make it unfeasible and it's the one thing I believe him about. So in your case, I don't think your DH has necessarily been physically unfaithful.

I don't know what to do either. I'm smiling every day and carrying on. We're being normal mainly. We're having sex. The thought of splitting, having to explain to the dc, them growing up in a house without us both here makes me want to curl up.

But I cry every bloody day. I look at him sometimes and i'm so angry I want to physically hurt him. We had a pregnancy scare last month (stupid!). My FIRST thought was of her - that I would have to have an abortion because I would feel so humiliated at the thought of the OW thinking I was a push over and pregnant within 3 months of it all coming out - and how pathetic that made me look, what a pushover. It was a false alarm - but the thought of how his EA had made me feel about my own possible pregnancy (as i'd never have considered abortion before) made me feel physically sick.

Sorry, I've rambled now i've started. Sorry I can't be of much help as i'm floundering myself and have no idea what I want - but a virtual handhold for you. It's shit.

CaravanHero everything you have said has struck a chord with me. You could literally be talking about me. I've been okish for the past week or two but that is only because my daughter had surgery and obviously was much more important so it went to the back of my mind. We've been together for years too since we were 17 and we have never ever had these sorts of issues before. I've always trusted him so have never been possessive ever and am not used to feeling like this. I am literally lost. I want to believe that deep down he loves me as much as he used to but all those phone calls, multiple times a day, is killing me

Same here - I was 17 when we got together, he was 19.

I've always trusted dh too...in fact we've kind of laughed together about people who are possessive or jealous of their partners (not in an unkind way, in an incredulous 'how could you even live like that, aren't we lucky to have each other' way).

This has turned me into an actual paranoid bunny boiler. I think about the EA at least once every day...I torture myself with thoughts of them together, laughing, joking. Him picking up his phone and messaging her rather than me. I don't trust him. I've checked his phone and facebook since it happened (never have before!). When he's been late home, I've wondered. When I see him with his phone in his hand and he smiles at something he's watching or reading I can feel my insides clenching.

All of this is internal. I don't think he even actually realises how close to the edge I am...he thinks we're moving on. No one else knows...everyone thinks we're great. For the first time ever I'm wondering about a future without him, even though I don't really want that - but nor do I want to feel like this forever.

CaravanHero I really hope you can get through this. It seems we are going through exactly the same xx hope you don't think I'm being too forward but if ever you feel the need to vent to someone who isn't close to you i'd be happy to give you my email add. It.might do us both good as I don't really have anyone I can really talk to x if not, not to worry and I wish you well x

You handed this to him to resolve, he carried right on. It’s easy to be glib over the Internet, you have a lot of history, and maybe you aren’t quite ready yet, but what he’s doing is showing you he’s not over whatever the issue is. Ego, boredom, opportunity, whatever. You have class, you have dignity, and there are people who will treat you so, so much better, whether friends, family, or future relationships. At this stage, he should be fighting like mad for you. He’s still calling her. This is the bottom line, regardless of what he is telling you. I’m sorry.

Tell him to take his mid-life crisis & park it in her house. You gave him a second chance & he blew it, spectacularly. I've been married & divorced twice (never again) & EA was prominent in both along with many other forms of abuse. It never stopped, one women succeeded by another over the years because that's what they were like. You deserve better.

This was me over 3 years ago. My DH had an EA & i’m still with him.

I found texts about OW sent to his mate (how much he liked her, couldn’t stop thinking about her etc & how he was thinking of leaving me).
Our relationship wasn’t good at the time. He had started to say he’d changed, didn’t know what he wanted anymore.
Even saying wasn’t sure we should of had kids, got married etc. He seemed very depressed and i thought he was having a crisis.
But I always trusted him and would never have imagined him being unfaithful.
I confronted him when found the texts and he played it down saying he was exaggerating/showing off to his mate.
I stupidly believed him as I was desperate to keep my family together.
For the next few months he kept saying he didn’t know what he wanted
Eventually he apologised lots, said he’d been going through a crisis & we moved on.
However over the next couple of years I found out more info gradually - they’d been out for drinks a couple of times, talked lots on phone, held hands
Nearly 4 years later and it still hurts.
But now he is a different person - great husband and father and leaving him now would seem crazy. But how I feel about him because of this has changed. And the trust isn’t there :(

I'm going to have a talk again tonight with him. We're both night owls!! If anyone is interested I'll let you know how it goes.....

Good luck op.

So sad that so many woman are in the same position. I am 5 months in from finding out about EA and then the other sites he visited .
He has ruined everything - I can't look at old pictures , or hear someone say anything nice about him, get annoyed if he looks happy. He thinks we are moving on .But I hate him for bringing this mess into my life. And I don't think I will ever get over the months and depth of his lies.
Hate that so many men are treating the mother's of their children with such disrespect.

Good luck 💐

I am sorry that you’ve experienced this crushing blow. Your H used his second chance to treat you with contempt.

He has proven that OW is his priority. He sounds obsessed, and I would assume that this is a full emotional and physical affair. Your moving out of the neighborhood will make it easier for him to visit her.

I would not trust him. He has shown you that his word means nothing.

Is this the relationship model that you want for your children?

Are any of these really emotional affairs or are they just men who have been committing adultery admitting something lesser so they can get away with it?

He said to me that he knew he should tell me but he didn't know how.

He thinks he should have told you? He should be thinking he shouldn't have done it in the first place or the second but that's clearly a step too far for him. You're not his confessor there to absolve all his sins while he cheats on you, you're his wife. You can do better than this man OP.

Chumplady has the best writing on how cheaters think, what they do and why they do it:

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Cheaters are selfish, they're prepared to risk their whole family's happiness for a few cheap thrills. It's an incredibly unattractive characteristic once you recognise it.

How did it go, OP?

Another one saying this happened to me. Like a previous poster I had always trusted him implicitly (even though he was jealous & controlling over everything I did). He'd bee texting OW for 4 yrs by the time I found out. He swore it wasn't physical but deep down I know that wasn't true... No one sustains a text relationship for that long without something physical to strengthen it.

He used to stay with his sister once a week who lived in another town, when I ceecked his phone records it showed texts to me & OW of exactly the same size, at exactly the same time on the mornings he'd stay out... He was sending the same good morning message to his wife & the OW... What a lazy fucker!

I tried to forgive & stay together but the broken trust coupled with his controlling behaviour was too much and I ended up leaving. It all happened 10 years ago but I remember the hurt like it was yesterday.

I hope you find your anger OP, he has treated you and your children dospicably to pretend you were having a fresh start by moving house only to be carrying on as before.

So sorry you are going through this OP.
I've been there too. 5 years ago and although they aren't in contact any more (as far as I know) the trust has gone, and his light doesn't shine as bright anymore.
There was some hysterical bonding at first, but then my libido completely died because I couldn't shake the idea that he was thinking about her.
My advice would be to ask him to leave. You need space. It might be the short sharp shock he needs to bring him to his senses. Or, you might find you are better off without him.

Ask him to leave. Then work this through in your own time and your own way. If and only if you decide that he is worthy of a place in your life, then he can come back.

But do it on your terms, lovely, and not his

I couldn't get past that, I don't think. I would hope.

He didn't have to tell her he wouldn't be calling anymore. She knew that you knew, so she wouldn't have been confused about the end of contact. And however much it was going to hurt her, shouldn't have been more important to him than how much he has hurt you.

But that's all irrelevant really, as he picked her over you the very second he got back in contact with her again.

And you don't walk, he does!

Whether you decide to stay with him or not, I would ask him to move out temporarily to give you space to decide what you want to do. He can't possibly have an excuse for this. You gave him a second chance, even moved to get away from the OW and this is how he repays you.

Do you have a friend in real life with whom you can talk about it? I think you would find it very helpful.

Were they ever in the same physical space together.

If so, it was not an 'emotional' affair.

Adults don't get together to hold hands.

I found out in 2010 that my ex h was having an RA affair with a work colleague . He promised to end it . She continued the contact saying “ I’m sorry I know you’ve told me not to be in touch etc “ and of course they saw each other every day . I came to MN for advice and everyone advised me That he was sleeping with her despite his denials and it turned out he was . They’d started shagging in his office after hours . I left and I’ve never looked back . They are still together but Ivdid get over him and move on . He is sleeping with her OP .. I’m sorry to say .. and do you really want to spend the rest if your life checking his phone living in a state of anxiety ? He clearly doesn’t respect you and to relocate you and your DCS to STILL continue this is abhorrent.. sorry but he needs to to bugger off