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Original poster

Emotional affair opinions pls

112 replies

Gutted74 · 18/05/2019 18:16

Hi my husband had an emotional affair last year with a neighbour. We moved house for a 'fresh start' with him promising no more contact. I gave him that chance because we've been together so long and have children and nothing like this had ever happened before between us.

Anyway I don't know why but I had a niggling gut feeling so a couple of weeks back I logged into his mobile account online expecting to find nothing, just looking for peace of mind I suppose that she was still out of the picture. Well what i did find was call upon call upon call, mostly daily and multiple times a day from a week after we moved in until the present day. For examplw one month he had spoken to me in total for 5 hrs but 17 hrs to her!!! So much for a fresh start. I was so angry I text her and told her to stop calling and texting my husband etc etc. Of course she was straight on the phone to my husband. Cue him contacting me and practically begging me to believe it is only phone calls (which I actually believe but that really isn't the point is it?) and they just get on well. What u need to speak to a friend 9 times a day with some calls being a 1 in the morning (She's a single mother by the way).

Since then our daughter broke her arm very badly and had to have surgery so it was obviously put on the back burner as my daughter is more important. She's back home now on the mend and stupidly I looked at the screenshots I took of his excessive calls and it's all hit me like a truck again today. I can't look him in the eye. And yet I love him so much. Is it possible to hate some and love them at the same time because that's how I feel. He knew how much it would hurt me if I found out yet he did it anyway. He said to me that he knew he should tell me but he didn't know how. To me that's a cop out.

So I just want anyone who has been thought this emotional.affair rubbish with their husbands to give me some words of wisdom, as I dont really have anyone I can talk to confidentially about this. Did your marriage survive this kind of infidelity? If do how did you work through it? Or did you end things?

I'm so torn. I thought I was a strong person and would never tolerate this crap from my husband but I feel broken and just want to shut myself away. I know no one can tell me what to do I would just like to hear about other women's experiences. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Spacecadetagain · 19/05/2019 21:28

EA *

MsDogLady · 20/05/2019 02:48

He is continuing to mess you over with this OW. He is taking you for a fool.

You wrote about them the first time around. Excessive messaging, Secretly going into her house. Dismissing your feelings. Using anger and threats of separation to make you back off, all the while claiming it was only friendship.

He is still lying and manipulating you. He pretended to pledge a fresh start and NC. It is ludicrous that he is now minimizing his continued cheating by claiming ‘it is only phone calls and we just get on well.’ He is making a mockery of you.

This is most certainly a sexual and emotional affair. The level of intensity is too great. You know that he has been alone with her.

I would tell him to leave. No more chances to rub your face in it. How could you bear to live a life full of anxiety and uncertainty?

FuriousVexation · 20/05/2019 04:42

Are you happy with him banging other people during your relationship? Because he's been pretty clear that's what he's going to do.

What does he bring to the team other than just showing up every day and phoning it in?

Original poster
Gutted74 · 22/05/2019 11:39

Hi all just an update. We had the talk. Turns out he did block her when he said he would (and he showed me his phone). He said he's never going to have any contact with her again. I'm satisfied with that for now as that is all i wanted, although as you can imagine there is a slight trust issue on my part. For my own peace of mind I will be checking his phone records online when his next bill comes out just one more time. A bit underhand I know but if I can see there is still no contact I think I can move on. On the other hand if I find anything I shouldn't then I will leave him without hesitation and I have told him that.

Thank you to each and every one of you for your responses I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
overdrive · 22/05/2019 11:51

as you can imagine there is a slight trust issue on my part.

No, it's entirely on his part. He cannot be trusted. That's not on you.

Flyinggeese · 22/05/2019 12:22

OP sorry to say but pretty sure he’ll have just bought another phone. This is suspiciously neat an ending to their relationship. I wouldn’t be buying that for a single moment. Letting you all get uprooted when he had no intentions of stopping his affair? What a lowlife.

Flyinggeese · 22/05/2019 12:24

From personal experience I can fully understand the (IMO) wishful thinking involved in wanting to say it’s all over and your relationship is back on track. He will still be at it.

desperatesux · 22/05/2019 14:02

I remember your original post, I had wondered how it all turned out. This is now going on nearly a year since you found out, even going so far as to move house to get away from her and that hasn't worked.
I am sorry you are going through this but it is an absolute full blown affair , nothing else makes any sense and he absolutely has bought another phone. I'm just surprised he hasn't left you yet but I would be sure its coming.
You are being incredibly naive and I can understand why you want to cling to the belief that nothing physical has happened but based on your previous posts and this update I'm not sure how you could come to any other conclusion. Its so obvious.

Spacecadetagain · 22/05/2019 14:17

I’m so sorry but it won’t be over . My ex h did and said exactly the same thing . I found out he had a secret phone . I remember that wishful thinking and the stress of constantly wondering if it was still going on .. it was and in the end I left .. they were officially together before id even got my stuff out of the door

Someoneontheweb · 22/05/2019 14:28

@Gutted74, cynical me would be looking for that second phone. He made you move "for a fresh start" and carried on, I'd be very surprised if he cuts such extensive contact now. What is the difference now from the first time he promised no contact?

ANewDawn10 · 22/05/2019 16:03

All you are doing is just going to be waiting for it to happen again.
You had to move house and that didnt work, what makes you think giving him ultimatums will work? Do you really want to be with someone you have to force to be faithful to you? What kind of a life is that.
It seems as though you have been together very young, had no other chance to explore or experience other people and the relationship has run its course. I've seen this happen so many times unfortunately.

beerandpopcorn · 22/05/2019 16:08

I don't understand. I thought you'd found evidence that he was still talking to her?

Original poster
Gutted74 · 22/05/2019 16:21

Hi as to the suggestion of a second phone, yes that has crossed my mind too. All our bank accounts and credit cards are in joint names and only I have the log in details for all of them. It would be pretty hard for him to spend any money without me knowing and for the time being I'm keeping a discreet eye out. The thing is (and I didn't mention this in my original post) that he has been on medication for the past yr and I know t's had a big bearing because he has changed since taking it and that is one of tje sode effect Coincidentally he had to start taking it around the time all this started. Now he has been taken off it and it's like a light bulb has gone off in his head. Hopefully things will work out but it is definitely last chance salloon time!

OP posts:
AnastasiaBeverleyHills · 22/05/2019 17:16

@Gutted74 I can't say whether or not he is sleeping with someone else or has another phone but neither can anyone else on this thread. People DO have EA's that have no physical contact. I 100% know this, I can't say if this is the case here. People have affairs, physical and emotional, for a number of reasons. The worst thing you and your OH could do right now is pretend it didn't happen. Please get to counselling. There will be painful things to be heard on both sides but believe me, if you want to make a go of it, it's worth it.

user1481840227 · 22/05/2019 17:32

People can and do have EA's with no physical contact, but that can be just as bad I think. If they feel like they have that strong emotional connection with someone they will miss them and pine over them for a long time, I wouldn't be able to be stay with someone knowing they were missing and pining over another woman. The thought would kill me just as much or more than the thought of sex!

Soconfusedandlost · 22/05/2019 18:28

My apologies if I sound facetious but having an EA and lying to you repeatedly is not a side effect of any medication.

Do you mean that the medication can affect emotional response such as SSRI?

BumbleBeee69 · 22/05/2019 19:52

does he have a second PAYgo SIM card OP ? Flowers

Justbreathing · 22/05/2019 21:09

It’s a classic
Blaming the medication. It’s just such a cliche it’s unreal

And you can buy a second phone sim for £5 and use cash to top up . It’s not hard.

AlexaAmbidextra · 22/05/2019 21:28

Am I missing something? We’re going from this,

Well what i did find was call upon call upon call, mostly daily and multiple times a day from a week after we moved in until the present day.

to this,

Turns out he did block her when he said he would

I don’t get it. Two completely opposing statements. Confused

Sounds like OP has had the wool pulled over her eyes and is believing what she wants to. ☹️

user1481840227 · 22/05/2019 23:31

Alexa, I read it like the first time he said he'd blocked her (and they moved!!) she caught him again with all of those phone calls, and then he said he'd block her again after some weekend......and that he did block her the second time!

Pinkmonkeybird · 23/05/2019 11:52

You won't be able to track Whatsapp messages or the like by phone records.

I wouldn't trust him one bit, sorry.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/05/2019 11:56

I wouldn’t be able to get over the fact that this is the SECOND time it’s I could maybe forgive after the first time if he did all the right thing, but no way could my relationship survive a second time.
Good luck OP

DizzySue · 23/05/2019 12:09

There is only one way your marriage could have stood even the slightest chance of surviving after an emotional affair.

He ended it immediately
Had no more contact with her
He put your marriage first
Had complete transparency with his phone etc.

He has done none of the above, and should under no circumstances get a second chance. In fact, I don't even think you should've driven him a first chance.

He is a liar and a cheat, he is weak and selfish. Leave him, please please leave him.

Justbreathing · 23/05/2019 12:26

Lots of peoples marriages survive ongoing affairs. Emotional or not.
It’s called burying your head in the sand and deciding that it’s not happening. Works for millions.

Hailthelime · 23/05/2019 14:01

If you want your marriage to survive this you might be able to. But it depends on alot of things. My husband started a physical affair 10 years ago with a colleague. It lasted 4/5 months. When I found out he left for a month and stayed with a friend and continued seeing her. I believe anyone is capable of having an affair if the circumstances are right. He was the last person anyone would have thought would go it. We had counselling and 10 years later we are happy. Never a day goes by without me thinking about it. But it hurt so much.