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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating . Is this a red flag ?

130 replies

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 18:07

I’m nearly fifty with two DCS still at home and after divorcing 7 years ago I’ve had one really awful relationship and then stayed on my home for a couple of years . Decided to dip my toe into OLD and hopped onto Tinder . After the initial “ obviously just after a shag “ guys . I was superliked by someone about an hour from me . He started chatting straight away and chats were friendly and we seemed to have a lot in common although from his pics I wasn’t immediately attracted him but for me this is something that builds from getting to know someone . He’s never asked me anything about himself and largely talks about his likes and dislikes . Sending me multiple pictures of things like his record collection . Books etc . After chatting a couple of days he asked if he could call me . I said I’d call him at s certain time and took his number . Literally on the nail if that time he sent two messages asking if I was still going to call . It felt like he was literally sat with his phone in his hand . I called and we chatted and it was all pleasant although I deduced that he seems to have a fairly quiet life and goes to bed at 8.30 every night and doesn’t seem to have much if a friendship circle . I’m very busy and have a lot going on in my life . He asked if we could meet and I agreed to a daytime coffee date .
From this point he’s been behaving almost as though we are an item already . He’s literally blowing up my phone with tinder messages . I’m getting Good morning messages and even though he’s at work he’s messaging all day then again the second he gets home and then literally all evening . I’ve got to the point if second quick replies or explaining I’m too busy to chat right now . He keeps pushing for more phone calls but. Wants phoning when I’m busy with my dcs as he goes to bed so early so I’ve said it’s not convenient. He’s started referring to himself as my new man despite me having done nothing to infer I even fancy him 🙄 and keeps saying he’ll have to sit on his hands when we meet as I’m so stunning he’ll find it hard “ not to snog me” yuck .. youIve made it clear that for me an initial meet is to establish any chemistry etc but hes progressed to sending me love songs he’s singing and telling me constantly how gorgeous I am . Last night I visited a friend and told him that I wouldn’t be home until later and he messaged saying why not pop over for a coffee next time I was there . I pointed out that my friends was fifty minutes from him and he replied that he’d like to think that if I cane over for coffee he’d hope to entice me to something more .. He claims he’s been completely alone for 8 years and I’m really feeling uneasy as I don’t know if he’s just coming across as desperate or a bit creepy ?!

OP posts:
Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 18:10

Sorry hat should say he never asks me anything about myself

OP posts:
thegreatcrestednewt · 18/05/2019 18:11

Your gut is telling you this for a reason! He does sound very ... over-keen. I'm not sure if it's a red flag or a sign of a lack of experience with women.

But do you think you and he are compatible? He goes to bed at 8.30? Ask him to back off with the messages and see what his reaction is.

Lookingforpizza · 18/05/2019 18:12

This would put me off. I’d cancel the date and go no contact, say you’re finding him a bit full on and wish him the best finding someone.

Doje · 18/05/2019 18:13

Yeah... Creepy. You could give him a chance, but I'd be willing to bet he'll be far too full on and would get irritating very quickly.

coffeechoc · 18/05/2019 18:14

Sounds awful! he already isn't respecting boundaries. Id run OP. Don't ignore your instincts

category12 · 18/05/2019 18:14

Crikey, I'd run a mile. Far too needy and full on before you've even met.

snoopy18 · 18/05/2019 18:16

Sounds super keen... maybe he is trying too hard... but he might be a decent guy?

I met my now hubby on a dating site albeit he use to live across the other side of the world. Didn’t use to text much but when I said I was going to be over visiting he was suggesting road trips and we hadn’t even met or anything! I thought it was super weird and almost didn’t meet him at the time.

Some men are weird with communication... he still is!

Follow your gut instinct

OldUnit · 18/05/2019 18:21

Holy crap, I felt anxious just reading all that!
It would all put me right off.

nel123baby · 18/05/2019 18:22

To me, he sounds like he has a very obsessive personality

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 18:23

Hmm I don’t know what to think but given we’ve only been talking seven days it’s feeling like as far as he’s concerned the deal is sealed ! I’m worried that he’s likely to go in for a kiss on our date and will be asking me to go to his “ coffee” ASAP . My friend thinks he’s coming across as a big desperate and is obviously keen to get me into bed but I think even if I felt an attraction and wanted to see him again he’d be blowing my phone up constantly and behaving as though we were in a full on relationship. Also yes the bed st 8.30 is slightly off putting !

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/05/2019 18:29

In general I prefer to meet asap. It helps figure out what kind of person they are.

In this case, I'd have the same worries and I'd just tell him I'm not interested and to stop contact.

PeakedTooEarly · 18/05/2019 18:31

Shize! No no no. Massive red flag. This is waaaay OTT. This would put me right off and the 8.30 thing is very weird.

You are on OLD. There are many many more out there that are much closer to normal than this. Have you Googled him OP. I would have real concerns and don't go to his place FFS you might never be seen again! I think his behaviour is beyond bizarre!

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 18:34

Oh yes I’ve googled him he’s definitely who he says he is as he owns a LTD company but oh god no I wouldn’t even dream of going to his place or having him at mine !

OP posts:
CheeseToastieAndABrew · 18/05/2019 18:37

If this were me, I'd run for the hills!

happybunny007 · 18/05/2019 18:37

Yep. Weirdo alert!

Mymessymind · 18/05/2019 18:42

Too much too soon!

So many guys do this texting day and night before even meeting. It’s probably over-excitement but it’s daft when you meet up and you are not attracted to them on sight.

OldWomanSaysThis · 18/05/2019 18:44

Oh my goodness - needy, clingy, obsessive - and do I have this correct - you haven't met yet?

YUCK

ponyprincess · 18/05/2019 18:50

I agree this is way over the top and is needy/creepy rather than keen. How can he be keen on you really is he can't really know you given you say he asks nothing about you!!

icecream432 · 18/05/2019 18:52

Nip it in the bud. Straight away.

QueenofPain · 18/05/2019 18:58

Continuing the conversation and entertaining his strange behaviour is the inference that you fancy him, unfortunately.

It’s all a bit cut throat on OLD. If you’re not feeling it just unmatch, assuming you’ve not revealed your phone number to him?

QueenofPain · 18/05/2019 18:59

And the fact that he’s apparently so keen, despite not asking anything about you is the biggest red flag of all. I think this guy is either absolutely desperate and will take anything, or he’s looking for a warm body.

You want to be wanted because some thinks that all of your quirks and details are fantastic and just right for them, sack this clown off.

QueenofPain · 18/05/2019 18:59

*someone

tierraJ · 18/05/2019 19:46

Oh eek I had this with a guy after 3 dates, he seemed normal to my face but would literally not stop texting to say he loved me, we had a connection, were meant to be together, I was 'his' etc etc it totally scared me off as there wasn't much chemistry to my mind & I hardly knew him!!

So I sent my 'obsessed weirdo' a short text to say that I thought I was ready for a relationship but on reflection was not.

Perhaps you should send this man a similar type of message but add that you will therefore not be meeting up.
Then delete & block on any social media like Facebook & Messenger.
If he replies to your short text don't be tempted to answer, just ignore him.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 18/05/2019 19:56

Massive red flag...with all of it, but mainly with the texts and waiting for you to phone. ...run for the hills and don't look back

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 20:00

We have literally only been chatting seven days 😳 I’ve never met him and we’ve had two phone calls which ended abruptly at 8.30 as it was his bedtime ! Apparently it’s because he gets up 5 am for work but I get up at 6 ish and I’m never in bed before 11 . Initially I was happy to chat to see if there was a good reason to meet and felt comfortable meeting up in the day in neutral public territory. However he has become full on since our phone conversation on Thursday . I asked a friend for advice who said he could just be lonely and overseen and also out of practice with dating so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and agreed to meet next weds . However I’m just feeling really uneasy now as it seems he’s almost fallen for me before even meeting 😳

OP posts: