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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating . Is this a red flag ?

130 replies

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 18:07

I’m nearly fifty with two DCS still at home and after divorcing 7 years ago I’ve had one really awful relationship and then stayed on my home for a couple of years . Decided to dip my toe into OLD and hopped onto Tinder . After the initial “ obviously just after a shag “ guys . I was superliked by someone about an hour from me . He started chatting straight away and chats were friendly and we seemed to have a lot in common although from his pics I wasn’t immediately attracted him but for me this is something that builds from getting to know someone . He’s never asked me anything about himself and largely talks about his likes and dislikes . Sending me multiple pictures of things like his record collection . Books etc . After chatting a couple of days he asked if he could call me . I said I’d call him at s certain time and took his number . Literally on the nail if that time he sent two messages asking if I was still going to call . It felt like he was literally sat with his phone in his hand . I called and we chatted and it was all pleasant although I deduced that he seems to have a fairly quiet life and goes to bed at 8.30 every night and doesn’t seem to have much if a friendship circle . I’m very busy and have a lot going on in my life . He asked if we could meet and I agreed to a daytime coffee date .
From this point he’s been behaving almost as though we are an item already . He’s literally blowing up my phone with tinder messages . I’m getting Good morning messages and even though he’s at work he’s messaging all day then again the second he gets home and then literally all evening . I’ve got to the point if second quick replies or explaining I’m too busy to chat right now . He keeps pushing for more phone calls but. Wants phoning when I’m busy with my dcs as he goes to bed so early so I’ve said it’s not convenient. He’s started referring to himself as my new man despite me having done nothing to infer I even fancy him 🙄 and keeps saying he’ll have to sit on his hands when we meet as I’m so stunning he’ll find it hard “ not to snog me” yuck .. youIve made it clear that for me an initial meet is to establish any chemistry etc but hes progressed to sending me love songs he’s singing and telling me constantly how gorgeous I am . Last night I visited a friend and told him that I wouldn’t be home until later and he messaged saying why not pop over for a coffee next time I was there . I pointed out that my friends was fifty minutes from him and he replied that he’d like to think that if I cane over for coffee he’d hope to entice me to something more .. He claims he’s been completely alone for 8 years and I’m really feeling uneasy as I don’t know if he’s just coming across as desperate or a bit creepy ?!

OP posts:
churchthecat · 18/05/2019 21:45

Nope. I'd send a message saying sorry, not interested, then block.

ScreamingLadySutch · 18/05/2019 22:13

You have got something he wants for himself: energy, a life, a wide circle of friends, a social life.

Emotional vampire. Your gut is telling you something for a reason.

RUN

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 22:16

I think you are right .. he obviously has a fairly solitary life by the looks of it

OP posts:
thegreatcrestednewt · 18/05/2019 22:18

He’s never asked me anything about himself and largely talks about his likes and dislikes . Sending me multiple pictures of things like his record collection . Books etc.

Ah, I missed this. Rude and dull. Why expect you to care about his record collection? And how can he know you and think you’re meant to be together if he knows nothing about you??

feelingfree17 · 18/05/2019 22:24

Omg - serious weirdo alert
Run ................... very, very fast!

DarklyDreamingDexter · 18/05/2019 22:37

Weird and creepy. Send message and block.Bullet dodged.

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 23:49

I’m going to message him tomorrow then back everywhere

OP posts:
Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 23:50

Block I mean . Although tbh I set my caller I’d to private when I call him so it’s just on Tinder really

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/05/2019 01:09

I’ve never met him and we’ve had two phone calls which ended abruptly at 8.30 as it was his bedtime !

More likely his partner getting back home.

RantyAnty · 19/05/2019 02:06

If you want to at least meet him, do that. With OLD, you have to set boundaries. If someone is being over the top annoying tell them that. Say I like texting but really don't have time to text all day.

If you put up with it, they'll think it's ok.

Sally2791 · 19/05/2019 07:06

Him deciding you are "his"while not being remotely interested in finding out about you, showing you his record collection etc would put me right off. Bed at 8.30? Either very set in his ways or that's when his partner gets home.

KatherineJaneway · 19/05/2019 07:21

Two huge red flags are not asking you anything about you and second is the 8:30pm bedtime. I can't imagine dating a guy that obsessively goes to bed that early, completely boring.

lifebegins50 · 19/05/2019 07:38

I think you might need to ignore your friend, when it comes to dating advice, probably has your interests at heart but you need someone who knows you can trust your instincts.

So many red flags with this guy that it nis not worth investing anymore time. It will not get better so no point carrying on.

Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 07:54

Hmm well he found me on Facebook which I was slightly creeped out about and I didn’t accept .. I don’t think there is a partner . I genuinely think he’s really that boring that he actually goes to bed that early

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Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 07:55

Ok I’m typing him a thanks but no thanks message . He’d messaged at 2 am saying I’m so sorry I fell asleep without saying goodnight . With lots of kisses and hearts. WTH . We aren’t even seeing each other fgs I am now fully creeped out

OP posts:
MIA12 · 19/05/2019 07:59

Run for the hills.

MyNewBearTotoro · 19/05/2019 08:05

Wow. That sounds way too full on from somebody you haven’t even met yet. His behaviour goes beyond desperate into creepy. I definitely think you’ve done the right thing in messaging him to cut contact. Well done.

Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 08:09

I’ve sent this message .
Hi . No problem we are not seeing each other so I don’t expect goodnight messages or constant contact so it’s fine . On reflection I don’t really think that I’d like to take this any further so I’m going to leave this here now .I wish you all the best

OP posts:
MumsKnitters · 19/05/2019 08:10

I'd bet money he has Asperger's. The being dumped before meeting up probably happens to him a lot and he'll have no idea where he's going wrong. The obsessiveness and lack of real interest in anything personal about you seem to indicate he just really wants a girlfriend but isn't picky as to whom. He'll think he's being flattering and have no idea how he's coming across.

AMBE123 · 19/05/2019 08:19

I'm inclined to agree, it really does sound that way despite his career success (own business etc) and I think the OPs response was really good as it pointed out that goodnight messages weren't appropriate at this stage.

Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 08:25

Hmm I suspect you may be right . It probably explains why he has been single for so long 🤔

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Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 08:27

we are both vegan and he seemed to latch onto that saying “ Meat eaters Tories and smokers “ will never get my time . Which came across as very judgemental

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LittleWing80 · 19/05/2019 08:35

I agree with the last two ladies. Sometimes you just want to give these guys the benefit of the doubt or even constructive feedback to help them with future relationships but I honestly think you did the right thing. You never know when quirky creep coyld turn into something more sinister. Best not meet especially if he is stalking you online already x

Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 08:36

Him finding me on Facebook unsettled me especially as I have two pages . One more for my business networking friends and the other for family and close friends and he’d requested both

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LittleWing80 · 19/05/2019 08:40

Just a thought but be careful your business is not showing your home address on the internet if he has your surname