Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating . Is this a red flag ?

130 replies

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 18:07

I’m nearly fifty with two DCS still at home and after divorcing 7 years ago I’ve had one really awful relationship and then stayed on my home for a couple of years . Decided to dip my toe into OLD and hopped onto Tinder . After the initial “ obviously just after a shag “ guys . I was superliked by someone about an hour from me . He started chatting straight away and chats were friendly and we seemed to have a lot in common although from his pics I wasn’t immediately attracted him but for me this is something that builds from getting to know someone . He’s never asked me anything about himself and largely talks about his likes and dislikes . Sending me multiple pictures of things like his record collection . Books etc . After chatting a couple of days he asked if he could call me . I said I’d call him at s certain time and took his number . Literally on the nail if that time he sent two messages asking if I was still going to call . It felt like he was literally sat with his phone in his hand . I called and we chatted and it was all pleasant although I deduced that he seems to have a fairly quiet life and goes to bed at 8.30 every night and doesn’t seem to have much if a friendship circle . I’m very busy and have a lot going on in my life . He asked if we could meet and I agreed to a daytime coffee date .
From this point he’s been behaving almost as though we are an item already . He’s literally blowing up my phone with tinder messages . I’m getting Good morning messages and even though he’s at work he’s messaging all day then again the second he gets home and then literally all evening . I’ve got to the point if second quick replies or explaining I’m too busy to chat right now . He keeps pushing for more phone calls but. Wants phoning when I’m busy with my dcs as he goes to bed so early so I’ve said it’s not convenient. He’s started referring to himself as my new man despite me having done nothing to infer I even fancy him 🙄 and keeps saying he’ll have to sit on his hands when we meet as I’m so stunning he’ll find it hard “ not to snog me” yuck .. youIve made it clear that for me an initial meet is to establish any chemistry etc but hes progressed to sending me love songs he’s singing and telling me constantly how gorgeous I am . Last night I visited a friend and told him that I wouldn’t be home until later and he messaged saying why not pop over for a coffee next time I was there . I pointed out that my friends was fifty minutes from him and he replied that he’d like to think that if I cane over for coffee he’d hope to entice me to something more .. He claims he’s been completely alone for 8 years and I’m really feeling uneasy as I don’t know if he’s just coming across as desperate or a bit creepy ?!

OP posts:
ilikemethewayiam · 19/05/2019 13:37

Well done OP, he actually sounded a bit scary. Obsessive, lack of boundaries, social cues, didn’t ask about you (big red flag for me), inappropriate love bombing, etc etc. He sounds like a narcissist! You listened to your gut, that’s what its there for. You dodged a bullet for sure. I wish I’d done the same before I married my X. All the red flags were there and my gut was screaming at me but I ignored it and listen to others. He turned out to be a manipulative abusive Narcissist and I wasted years of my life and have been left emotionally scarred. Keep listening to your gut. Good luck OP, I hope you meet someone nice.

Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 14:16

Thank you everyone . I think reflecting back .. his messages were all look what I’ve done or are doing or look what I have .. followed by Lots o f photos .. even when I said I was at work he wouldn’t ask how work went or anything .

OP posts:
Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 15:21

He has emailed me 😞 He has gone to the trouble of going to my website and getting my email address .. do I respond or just block ?

He says
“ Have you blocked me ? Why ? I thought you liked me as much as I do you . He then attached a picture he’d lifted of me from the Tinder page saying “ You are perfect in every sense , beautiful eyes and hair and gorgeous lips. Please at least meet me “

Should I just block his email straight away ?

OP posts:
Eslteacher06 · 19/05/2019 15:23

Yes. Lol.

Stalker territory!

Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 15:28

I never told him what I do for a living but a quick google search would have brought my website up . I feel utterly freaked out now . OMG thank god I didn’t go and meet him he’d have demanded full fb relationship status and proposing after a week

OP posts:
Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 15:29

I’ve replied with
“I blocked you because I have no further desire to chat to you “
I then blocked his email

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 19/05/2019 15:30

Oh god, he really is crazy. You definitely need to block, and possibly keep blocking. Be prepared for the next message to tell you how awful and ugly and ungrateful you are. Such men do not take rejection well.

CheeseToastieAndABrew · 19/05/2019 15:32

Bloody hell!

crosstalk · 19/05/2019 15:33

OP I'm probably an eejit but I'd email him back saying he was coming on too strong and too fast and seemed needy, which is not what most women like. And that he knows nothing about you since he never bothered asking. Just because it might help him. Then I'd block him on email too.

However I'm aware he's already tracking you down on every media available so may be it wouldn't be wise.

Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 15:49

Ok well I think I’ve found a linkedin profile for him so I’ve blocked him there and I set my Instagram to private and also my Twitter . I’ve blocked his email phone number and fb .. it’s seven days yesterday since we started talking . I can see now why he’s single ! He told me he’d briefly had something with someone last year but it never even became intimate .. in other words he frightened her off too !

OP posts:
JK1773 · 19/05/2019 15:53

Good grief poor you. You’ve dodged a bullet there. What an absolute psycho!

Oxford9090 · 19/05/2019 16:33

I had to blocked a man I met online yesterday - we have never met but arranged to meet on Tuesday and he kept saying, "When I sleep with you...." I had already told him that I was not interested in sex chats as I had clearly stated that in my profile.

He even told me that he was alerted by the dating website that I was online - he did not want me on there after we had a chat. I don't handle it, so I blocked the bastard. I don't want to deal with other people's shit..

Oxford9090 · 19/05/2019 16:35

**couldn't" not don't

Justbreathing · 19/05/2019 16:52

And people wonder why they’re single!!!

Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 16:52

Oxford bloody hell ! There really are some nutters out there !

OP posts:
Datingoverforty · 19/05/2019 17:31

I am hoping that this is the last I hear of him . I think I’ve gone off OLD ! 😳

OP posts:
Eslteacher06 · 19/05/2019 20:05

Put it down to experience....you are clearly able to notice the odd bods before it gets too bad. Just make sure your online presence is blocked. Don't assume they're all like that :)

thegreatcrestednewt · 20/05/2019 08:52

I am totally confused . I thought we were connecting so well . We have so much in common and you tick all my boxes and totally float my boat.

This sounds genuine. It sounds like he may be on the autistic spectrum and genuinely thinks this is how to get a girlfriend.

I agree with crosstalk - I'd email him back saying he was coming on too strong and too fast and seemed needy, which is not what most women like. And that he knows nothing about you since he never bothered asking. Just because it might help him. Then I'd block him on email too.

Datingoverforty · 20/05/2019 09:50

Well I chatted to my friend last night and she said maybe I should just give him a heads up that he’s too full on . I had blocked him after he friend requested my Facebook and ignored a request to my other page that I rarely check . So I sent one last email saying I was sorry if I’d hurt his feelings but I’d found his constant messaging and compliments filled with hearts and kisses completely overwhelming and that it had startled me . I said as before that J didn’t think we were a match and I was sure his perfect woman was out there somewhere .
I was alterted by messenger this morning that I had s message in my other page .
It was him saying :
No wonder you are single you twisted bitch ... that was it . Then he had blocked me to prevent me replying . At this point I realised I’d dodged a huge bullet . I think he is potentially abusive , why else would anyone respond this way ?
His whole behaviour was bizarre . I remember him telling me too that despite working within the same company for nine years (as s freelance it consultant) he said he didn’t go on work trips etc because in his mind they weren’t his work colleagues as he was freelance . He also bragged a lot about his achievements and said that everytime he was off work projects got behind etc . I think the bullshit after I told him I didn’t want to meet was just that and he just showed his true colours in this mornings message . Thank god I didn’t go to meet him , I’m getting a picture in my mind if a horrible obsessive man who expects everyone around him to confirm to his rules etc . I bet he’s awful to be in a relationship with . Probably selfish and controlling

OP posts:
Datingoverforty · 20/05/2019 10:09

I’m looking at some of the messages I’d copied and sent to my friend and in one he’d said he never had children but was sad that relationships hadn’t worked out in the past as he’d always hoped to inherit a partners children . I’m now thinking that’s an odd thing to say especially when he never even asked me about my dcs ages or anything ... but which ever way I think I’ve had a lucky escape

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/05/2019 10:47

he’d always hoped to inherit a partners children

You definitely have to beware of any man (potential partner) who is too interested in your children.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2019 10:53

I really hope he doesn't know where you live.

MargotMoon · 20/05/2019 11:28

You definitely have to beware of any man (potential partner) who is too interested in your children.

Tbf he didn't show the remotest interest in her children. Which is also weird but in a different way.

Well done for trusting your own instincts OP.

crimsonlake · 20/05/2019 11:46

I am very cautious mainly through my experience of old. I am also not very active online these days but pop on from time to time to check for messages. Recently I replied to someone who quickly gave out his mobile number. Normally I steer well clear of anyone trying to get me offline so quickly but this time decided to give it a whirl but waited a couple of days before I actually text to see if it was a convenient time to ring.
We had a long chat, lots of you may identify with this...men seemingly wanting to unburden and use you as a counsellor, although he did ask me a few questions. I cut the conversation short after 40 mins and being polite agreeing to keep in touch.
Following morning he text politely to say good morning..Later I had 2 missed calls by a number I did not recognise. That evening I had another call from the same number, eventually I realised all 3 calls had come from him. This really put me off and after only 1 day I felt invaded. Later the same evening I went on old to check for messages and suddenly received a text on my phone from him. I had been dumped as he had seen me online and he had stopped talking to other women since our conversation the previous evening. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket after only one telephone conversation.

fghkhfdryjkv · 20/05/2019 11:50

Fgs would people stop trying to label creepy stalkerish abusive men as autistic.

He had red flags all over him. He crossed every boundary imaginable and contacted you through numerous channels despite being told you weren't interested.

I'd put all my social media on lockdown and be very careful with personal details in future.