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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating . Is this a red flag ?

130 replies

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 18:07

I’m nearly fifty with two DCS still at home and after divorcing 7 years ago I’ve had one really awful relationship and then stayed on my home for a couple of years . Decided to dip my toe into OLD and hopped onto Tinder . After the initial “ obviously just after a shag “ guys . I was superliked by someone about an hour from me . He started chatting straight away and chats were friendly and we seemed to have a lot in common although from his pics I wasn’t immediately attracted him but for me this is something that builds from getting to know someone . He’s never asked me anything about himself and largely talks about his likes and dislikes . Sending me multiple pictures of things like his record collection . Books etc . After chatting a couple of days he asked if he could call me . I said I’d call him at s certain time and took his number . Literally on the nail if that time he sent two messages asking if I was still going to call . It felt like he was literally sat with his phone in his hand . I called and we chatted and it was all pleasant although I deduced that he seems to have a fairly quiet life and goes to bed at 8.30 every night and doesn’t seem to have much if a friendship circle . I’m very busy and have a lot going on in my life . He asked if we could meet and I agreed to a daytime coffee date .
From this point he’s been behaving almost as though we are an item already . He’s literally blowing up my phone with tinder messages . I’m getting Good morning messages and even though he’s at work he’s messaging all day then again the second he gets home and then literally all evening . I’ve got to the point if second quick replies or explaining I’m too busy to chat right now . He keeps pushing for more phone calls but. Wants phoning when I’m busy with my dcs as he goes to bed so early so I’ve said it’s not convenient. He’s started referring to himself as my new man despite me having done nothing to infer I even fancy him 🙄 and keeps saying he’ll have to sit on his hands when we meet as I’m so stunning he’ll find it hard “ not to snog me” yuck .. youIve made it clear that for me an initial meet is to establish any chemistry etc but hes progressed to sending me love songs he’s singing and telling me constantly how gorgeous I am . Last night I visited a friend and told him that I wouldn’t be home until later and he messaged saying why not pop over for a coffee next time I was there . I pointed out that my friends was fifty minutes from him and he replied that he’d like to think that if I cane over for coffee he’d hope to entice me to something more .. He claims he’s been completely alone for 8 years and I’m really feeling uneasy as I don’t know if he’s just coming across as desperate or a bit creepy ?!

OP posts:
Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 20:01

*overkeen

OP posts:
PeakedTooEarly · 18/05/2019 20:11

All the weirdness apart, the fact he has not asked anything about you at all is all you really need to know OP but if you are meeting him please please let us know good or bad. Grin

forumdonkey · 18/05/2019 20:21

I'd have blocked by now. I couldn't cope with the pressure. Run as fast as you can but hit the block button before you do

forumdonkey · 18/05/2019 20:22

Like the PP I'm feeling anxious for you

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 18/05/2019 20:24

Curiosity has always ruled my thinking, but in this case there's no way I would meet him.
He sounds absolutely desperate which is not attractive at all and clearly doesn't have any self-awareness.
I predict if you meet this weirdo it will be very hard to get rid of him. Obviously do not let him know where you live or work etc.

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 20:25

The only time he asked anything about me was when I said “we” in a conversation .. he asked who I lived with and I said my children but he didn’t take that any further

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 18/05/2019 20:29

Dating - does that not make you have warning bells going off??
He's not interested in you or your DC - he's built up a picture in his mind of who you are etc. It's all about him him and him.

Namastbae · 18/05/2019 20:39

Why are you going on a date with him?
You don't find him attractive or like anything about his personality and he's overstepped your boundaries.

Please remember that a man liking you doesn't mean you have to try to like them back.

You need to raise your standards because it honestly sounds like your criteria for agreeing to meet someone is simply that they need to like you.

I hope I don't come across as harsh in saying any of that - I just want to remind you of your worth. Get picky. I would also avoid Tinder - it really does seem to be mostly for kids looking for hook ups.

PixieDust26 · 18/05/2019 20:40

I wouldn't even meet up with him tbh

Justbreathing · 18/05/2019 20:42

Nope
Nope 👎🏾

HollowTalk · 18/05/2019 20:45

Jesus. No way.

Even if he wasn't really, really odd, the fact he goes to bed at 8.30 would be enough for me.

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 20:47

Namastbabe .. no that’s quite right .. I have pretty high standards and initially until he became full in I thought that there was possibly potential.Im certainly not desperate ! But I was taking advice from a friend who said I shouldn’t rule someone out until I’d net them in the flesh and I thought it only fair to meet for an informal afternoon coffee. However it’s since we spoke on the phone and agreed to meet that he has started to be so full on . I’m certainly not flattered nor am I that desperate I’ll just settle for the first person who shows interest but as we seemed to share similar interests (music . Hobbies etc ) ithought it would be nice to at least meet and see if there was a spark but then he started behaving like this

OP posts:
Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 20:48

I think you’ve all helped me make my mind up for me . Mind you my friend is constantly trying to set me up with people who I do know in RL and don’t find the least bit attractive . I should have listened to my gut as soon as he became full on

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 18/05/2019 20:49

No, definitely cancel the date and block, he sounds awful.
What are the phone calls like, just you listening to him go on about himself?

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 20:51

The last call was him talking about what he does for a living .. yawn .. the call before that was basically his life story

OP posts:
AMBE123 · 18/05/2019 20:53

I wouldn't meet him, just say that now you've been chatting for a bit you don't feel that it would be a good match and wish him all the best with his search. His behaviour is weird, he almost sounds like he just doesn't understand social cues. At the best, he sounds obsessive and it's all about a fantasy world he is living in - he hasn't asked you anything about yourself. If you meet him it will only get more difficult to extricate yourself and it won't get any better.

CryptoFascist · 18/05/2019 20:53

Ugh, how selfish to expect your time like that. You can do much better.

Reflexella · 18/05/2019 20:59

Total creeper

Eslteacher06 · 18/05/2019 21:04

Yeah sack this off before it becomes even more awkward. I made that mistake and I should have told him earlier I wasn't interested.

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 21:12

I must admit when he said he goes to bed at 8.30 I was thinking .. say what?!

OP posts:
Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 21:16

I’m going to send him a message cancelling but I’m not sure how to word it ?

OP posts:
Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 21:17

Ah just seen AMBEES message . I think that’s a fair response to him

OP posts:
WarIsPeace · 18/05/2019 21:31

When you first start OLD every match seems quite exciting and it's easy to be flattered. OTOH he sounds very weird, just delete him or say no thanks and move on, there will be lots more where he came from.

Datingoverforty · 18/05/2019 21:35

Warispeace Ill be honest to say I haven’t felt very flattered . I tried online dating after my divorce and went on quite a few dates . A few we’re very interested but I wasn’t and I left it there . I don’t find it flattering when someone I don’t find attractive fancies me or shows me attention ( I am very cautious anyway as last boyfriend was less than nice ) but as I said I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but found it really odd that he was behaving as though he was smitten when he’d never met me 😳

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 18/05/2019 21:45

I would just say. I’ve changed my mind. I don’t think we are a fit for me
Wishing you the best
Etc etc

Polite. To the point. Don’t get drawn in.