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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Your opinion on interracial relationships?

147 replies

sweetnsuga123 · 17/05/2019 20:13

Hi everyone,

I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years. I am white and he is black. We are constantly stared at in public, I live in area thats not very multicultural in the North West. We have received many comments shouted at us as well which always shocks me. I thought in today's society people wouldn't act like that.

I'm just wondering what your opinion on interracial relationships are and whether you'd stare in public?

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 18/05/2019 23:50

When I started dating DS's Father in 1995 we had a lot of stares and people asking why I was with him and his .other hated the fact her Son was with a white Woman. Dour of her other children were also with White partners and they stayed aww hardly ever visited. I had to keep my ex a secret from my parents... Things have changed a lot since the 90's. I thought we had it bad until i met a Lady last year and she had been with her Black Husband for 50 years.. Met in the 1960's. They had their windows bricked and her Husband was beaten up. They had 6 children. Pioneer I called her.

cannotmakemymindup · 19/05/2019 00:03

I am mixed race and in a mixed marriage and whilst definitely don't have comments have the stares ftowm old people in our very white town.
My DH until we got married used to think I was making it ip about people staring, he was so naive, then one day it clicked and he noticed.

So for those who are in mixed relationships and say I have never noticed it may just be as you grew up white, you're not used to noticing the little negative stares, looks, glances. There's definitely positive looks but you can generally tell ftom someone elses body language which one it is.

My parents are in a mixed relationship (white and black) and they had pubs go silent when they walked in together in the 80s.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/05/2019 00:22

DH and I are both white but our kids have been in mixed relationships.

DH was with an Asian girl for four years. When they were out together she was sometimes stealth abused out of earshot of DS, mainly by Asian men but sometimes white girls too. Her parents would not have allowed her to be with DS though so she never told them and ultimately, that is why they broke up.

BlackPrism · 19/05/2019 02:29

I honestly wouldn't think twice.

aatwi · 19/05/2019 02:36

I had some extremely weird and judgmental comments when I was in a white/Asian relationship. I was shocked too as thought we were past this, but it really opened my eyes to the amount of racism around -- comments like "only in it for the citizenship" etc.... um, not that it should make a difference if it wasn't the case, but we were both born here!

Esspee · 19/05/2019 02:43

Used to get the odd comment from black women in the Caribbean who resented me taking one of their men. Never had any problem in the UK. Are you sure you are being stared at OP?

Strugglingtodomybest · 19/05/2019 03:01

I live in Cornwall, so not too many mixed relationships around. If you did catch my eye, I would be thinking, isn't it great that we've moved on? Although, disappointingly, from reading this thread, not as much as I would have hoped.

KelpianCasserole · 19/05/2019 09:32

My daughters bf is biracial and she is VERY physically 'white' - white skin and platinum hair - they look spectacular together and never as far as I know have any bother (near manchester).

KelpianCasserole · 19/05/2019 09:35

Strugglingtodomybest I totally agree - to my shame I didn't realise it was still a thing to oppose mixed relationships! I thought the big racist gripe was about failure to integrate?!

EmeraldRubyShark · 19/05/2019 11:31

It’s frankly insane that anyone has any ‘opinion’ on interracial relationships these days. It should be so normal by now people’s response is neutral.

I’m white British and my partner is British Asian. The only comments or stares we tend to get are from other Asians, which makes sense as his cultural background (Sikhs) traditionally oppose mixed relationships. We’re not ‘out’ to some of his family as they would make his immediate family’s life hell with gossip and judgment and shame. We get Asian people staring as it’s so unusual to see a white girl and an Asian guy. I actually, thinking about it, don’t recall seeing another couple like us. I’m sure they exist though.

I echo PP who’ve mentioned about the over attention people, even strangers, give to the idea of what our children would look like. I’ve never, in any of my previous relationships with White guys, had anyone comment on what our kids would look like. With my OH we got it from day one. ‘OMG your kids would be so beautiful! Omg imagine their skin tone! Wow, his skin tone and your eye colour would be gorgeous!’ It’s soooo common, happens when nobody has even mentioned having kids. Biracial children are fetishised, and if you read that and doubt what I’m saying do your research. It’s meant well I know and I wouldn’t directly challenge someone. But it is jarring, it suggests that our child would be different to other kids and would be some exotic spectacle, worthy of comment. Our children (we’re expecting our first) would likely have a milky latte skin tone and black hair. Big fucking deal.

I think part of it is people trying to show how totally cool and okay they are with a biracial relationship, which isn’t unusual when you consider how many people have an issue with it still and how even a couple of decades ago it’d have been a scandal (like it is for us now in the Asian community). People overreach to show that they’re okay with it. But it’s also a really weird approach that suggests to me they’re fascinated by the mixing of genes between two different ethnicities, like they are seeing it as some curious science experiment rather than just having a kid with someone who looks a bit different to you.

Thing is, even people who do it don’t usually see it and can get defensive about it. They’ll come up with all kinds of explanations for why the first thing they say when seeing a picture of my partner is about the appearance of our kids, while they have never made any comment about the future kids of their white/white couple friends.

BigRedLondonBus · 19/05/2019 11:45

I’m speaking from my own experience, I’m mixed race my siblings are, my children are, no one has ever ”fetished” over them, or me or any of my siblings but I am in SE London so it is common very common to see mixed race kids, black/white. I have loads of friends who have mixed race kids who also haven’t had that experience

anitagreen · 19/05/2019 11:46

When we first had kids it shocked me people would stare at us and it made me feel horrible they would look at him like he wasn't their dad and comment on how white they are. Even now my mum still throws the odd comment in on how dark my kids are getting and it infuriates me another thing she does is if someone has a mixed race baby she will be like oh so and so just had a mixed race baby seen how dark it is, I hate it it's more a less racism.

EmeraldRubyShark · 19/05/2019 12:01

BigRedLondonBus it makes sense that it’s less openly fetishised in an area where it’s common, people are used to seeing mixed race couples all the time so it becomes normal to them.

Jiggles101 · 19/05/2019 13:29

I'm white and have hardly ever dated white men, my exh is mixed Caribbean/British and current partner is 2nd gen Pakistani. I've never had anyone stare or make negative comments except one doddery old bloke who stared at me and an ex (also Pakistani) with a look of shock and disgust, we pretty much laughed in his face and stared back until he walked off.

I live in a very liberal south west city in a very diverse neighbourhood though so people barely notice it.

AtAmber · 19/05/2019 13:59

We live in the same place op. Ds' gf is Asian, they are both at uni and met there, she is from London. It worries me that they are unusual when they are here together as it is so non diverse here. I don't think they've had any problems at uni though.

SallyWD · 19/05/2019 14:11

My husband's Asian and I am white. We've lived in multicultural cities and very white places. I have never noticed anyone stare at us or heard anyone say anything. I'm sure there people are people who have strange views about interracial couples but no ones ever said anything to me. I never think of us as being in an interracial relationship (even though we are of course). We're just people.

KatherineJaneway · 19/05/2019 14:17

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SallyWD · 19/05/2019 14:39

So it's unacceptable for a mixed race couple to have a child unless they live in a diverse, mixed race area?! That's an appalling attitude! What's unacceptable is for kids to bully other kids because of their skin colour. I was bullied at school but it was nothing to do with my skin colour (I'm white British). Kids will just find any reason to bully others if they take an irrational dislike to them. My husband and I had our first DC when we lived in a very white area. We had no problems with either adults or kids bullying our child. I'm offended that you think it was unacceptable for us to start a family in that area.

FunInTheSun2019 · 19/05/2019 14:44

Maybe you are both very attractive..and people are looking at you both thinking 'jeepers they are hot!'

AsleepAllDay · 19/05/2019 14:44

I was in one and very happy. Not black/white so frankly we didn't have any trouble or judgmental looks.

Jiggles101 · 19/05/2019 14:47

Why shouldn't people have kids without having to move just because they live in a small minded place? Maybe the best way to deal with racism is to expose people to difference rather than colluding with avoidance and separation?

SallyWD · 19/05/2019 14:50

@KatherineJaneway I suppose its also unacceptable for people with red hair to reproduce because ginger kids might get bullied? And same goes for same sex parents, children with minor disabilities shouldn't be born? There are many many reasons kids get bullied. To say it's unacceptable to have them is outrageous.

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