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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Recently separated, can't believe DH has a new gf already

102 replies

Namechangedjustthistime · 17/05/2019 11:11

Hi all, I have NCed for this because I am afraid it might be outing, however I am a regular here on the Relationships board. I'd like to get some impartial perspective on my situation, I can't decide if I am being petty or my feelings are somewhat justified.

DH and I decided to separate 4 months ago. It had been a long time coming, the relationship hadn't been good for several years, we had been living like friendly flatmates and had no emotional or physical intimacy. In fact I was the one who brought about the topic of separation a few years ago, then we agreed to try harder and commit to couple counselling. Things improved for a bit, and then they slipped back to the usual situation. We kept plodding along while growing further and further apart. We discussed separation several times over the years, and every time we resolved to give the marriage another go.

Fast forward to last November, seemingly "out of the blue" he brings up the topic of separation again, and tells me he is tired of living a half life and that he thinks we should separate. After a few of months of painful discussions, we agreed to separate. He moved out after two further months, so two months ago. Things between us have been relatively amicable ever since, although it is still painful and awkward of course.

Yesterday he came over to drop off the DC, and he told me he has been seeing someone for a couple of months. No plan to involve DC for the upcoming future, but apparently he really likes her and thinks the relationship could become more serious. Bloody hell!!

I feel really upset and heartbroken. I know we mutually agreed to separate and it was the right thing to do for everyone involved. I know he has not cheated, but he moved out only a couple of months ago ffs.

How could he move on so quickly after 20 years and 3 DC together? The idea that he might have been seeing OW while still living under my same roof sickens me. I don't think he had an affair before we separated, although of course I can't know for sure. I think he is being very selfish in openly pursuing a relationship so quickly after separating. It feels like he is throwing it in my face. I can't even think about dating someone else!!

Do you think it is normal that I feel this way about the situation? Isn't his behaviour really insensitive and selfish? We were a family unit until a couple of months ago ffs!!

Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:

HuckfromScandal · 17/05/2019 11:14

You wanted out.
You are out.
You are pretty clear it’s irrecoverably over.
And now you want to dictate the terms of his ongoing life?

Life doesn’t work like that.
Move on, I know it hurts, but you need to move on.

HuckfromScandal · 17/05/2019 11:16

And no his behaviour isn’t selfish or insensitive.
He hasn’t introduced the kids.
He didn’t need to tell you anything.
He is behaving like a mature adult who has accepted the end on one relationship and is moving on.

PicsInRed · 17/05/2019 11:16

She was probably the OW.
He finally found one stupid and desperate enough willing to take him on, which is why he suddenly was willing to leave.

He's probably been doing this for years (think about the times he treated you the worst), but no one wanted him, because he's crap.

You're well rid of him. Change the locks.

AskEvans · 17/05/2019 11:19

In his head he may have separated from you/lost feeling years ago; if that is the case then for him it wouldn't be too soon to be able to move on to another relationship at this stage, no.

Blobby10 · 17/05/2019 11:20

I know exactly how you feel ! Separated from my H of 20 years 4 years ago - it took me over 18 months to feel 'ready' to date again but he was doing it in less than 6. He's now engaged to his GF and they are marrying later this year - they have just bought their house together. I don't want him, but I feel so hurt that he's feels ready to make wedding vows with someone else so quickly after the end of our 22 year relationship (20 years married and 3 DC). Even our adult children feel its too quick!

Part of me thinks its because men are not as able as women to live on their own. Another part thinks that he has, in effect, had a single mans life since we split whereas I've had the children in the house an even though he's been very generous financially, he still only really has to think of himself. he's also going to be much better off financially than me once the order made in our divorce stops as he and his GF will have two salaries coming in and I will have just mine but still have to maintain a home for the kids from that plus contribute to uni stuff.

Its a shitty way to feel but please don't feel bad about feeling angry/hurt/bitter etc. Yes he could be considered insensitive and selfish but from his side, you could do the same, even though you and I know you wouldn't want to and probably couldn't!!

flapjackfairy · 17/05/2019 11:21

Well I agree with you op. It is v hurtful that he can just move on so quick. I would put money on him being interested long before you officially separated tbh. So sorry for the hurt this is causing because even if you know it is the right thing of course it is going to hurt and it will take time to accept. Look aftat yourself x

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 17/05/2019 11:23

It sounds like your relationship finished a lot longer than 4 months ago.

I wouldn't jump.to the conclusion that she's the OW.

Your marriage was over and your split mutual.

It might sting a bit that he has moved on quickly but to be fair it sounds like both of you are overdue a loving relationship.

Chimpfield · 17/05/2019 11:24

If the roles were reversed and it was you that had found a bf quickly, would you saying it is none of his business?

TeaForTheWin · 17/05/2019 11:31

Chances are he met her back then and that was the kick he needed to ask for a separation. Doesn't mean anything was going on whilst you were together of course. Perhaps her or some other woman turned his head and that made him realise he wanted that again, not just to continue in the marriage that wasn't really working. It could have been the kick he needed to decide to call an end to things. Otherwise he might just have stayed because it was comfortable.

Anyway, no point tearing yourself up wondering about it. Hopefully she will be a pleasant lady and someone you feel is ok to be around your kids. No point turning an amicable split into a messy situation if you can help it, over 'maybes' and 'what ifs'.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/05/2019 11:40

You wanted a break. It wasn't convenient for him. He agreed to keep trying. He found someone else. Suddenly it was convenient for him. He ended it. Old story.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 17/05/2019 11:42

I get that it's hurtful, OP - I broke off an engagement and was devastated, but felt rather justified in my decision when he'd already acquired a new girlfriend 2 weeks later

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/05/2019 11:44

He met her around the time he re-introduced the topic of you separating, i.e. last November.
He may have started seeing her then, he may have decided to do the decent thing and sort the separation out before actually seeing her - but she's been on his radar since then.

So for you it's quick, for him it's not. And he's still behaving decently, in all honesty, by telling you about his change of situation and by not introducing her to the kids yet.

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt about this, but did you expect him to stay single forever? or how long did you expect him to be single?

I get that it IS hurtful but it's 99% certain that he met her and she was the trigger to him moving the separation forward.

MoodLighting · 17/05/2019 11:49

Of course you feel hurt. But I don't think he is BU.

Be kind to yourself and focus on your new start.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 17/05/2019 11:51

You wanted a break. It wasn't convenient for him. He agreed to keep trying. He found someone else. Suddenly it was convenient for him. He ended it. Old story.

Sadly, I agree with this. Most men leap from tree to tree, don't they?

Mielabel · 17/05/2019 11:52

I was with someone in the same situation for years. Our relationship was going nowhere. We were just like friends. No physical intimacy. I felt unloved and unwanted on that level but we cared about each other deeply. I kept hoping things would change until I realised how much more of my life I had yet to live and came to my senses. It was mutual.

When we broke up I planned to enjoy the single life for a while, but someone came into my life very quickly who was just the right fit for me. I had known him during the end of the relationship but just as friends, there was no crossover. I had no idea he would even be interested in me until he knew I was single. I actually tried to fight it as I had an idea of living this perfect single life and didn't want another man so soon, but he was so right for me and made me so happy I decided to see what happened. We ended up getting married and I count it as the best thing that happened to me.

I know my ex uses this as proof that I'm a bad person as I replaced him so soon after so long together. After he found out about my new partner all of our mutual friends and his family blocked me from social media and he stopped talking to me. I had naively thought we would remain friends forever. In reality our relationship was over years ago. He showed me he didn't want more with me. The new man did.

I know you probably feel hurt but don't take it personal or that you weren't cared for- you just outgrew each other as partners. Concentrate on making yourself happy now.

Lweji · 17/05/2019 11:54

I agree that when he started talking about separation he was already seeing or at least preparing to see this woman.

UnicornDust9 · 17/05/2019 11:55

Emotionally he probably left the relationship a long time ago so it won’t feel quick.

He hasn’t done anything wrong.

Oblomov19 · 17/05/2019 11:56

Men more on more quickly. Within a couple of weeks, the 20 year marriage is what is what it was. A marriage. That's finished.

It happens time and time again. You see it all the time on mn threads.

Lifeisabeach09 · 17/05/2019 11:58

A lot of men do move on quicker than women--they tend to not be able manage with being single (co-dependency?)) They also have more opportunity to move on due to having the kids less (more free time) and usually having a greater income.

Ironically though, it's single women who are accused of being desperate for love and yet many newly single men bounce from relationship to relationship. Go figure!

Decormad38 · 17/05/2019 12:02

Because she’s not new. She will have been in the background a while

RRJR · 17/05/2019 12:04

She was probably the OW. He finally found one stupid and desperate enough willing to take him on, which is why he suddenly was willing to leave. He's probably been doing this for years (think about the times he treated you the worst), but no one wanted him, because he's crap. You're well rid of him. Change the locks

@PicsInRed

What the hell?! Are you on something?
Let’s just remind you that this guy has done NOTHING wrong. He got with this woman AFTER him and the OP broke up. So why are you insulting her?! You don’t know her so why are you calling her desperate? Is he not allowed to move on? Also.. if he owns the house with the OP then she cannot legally change the locks unless he’s put her in danger (which he isn’t)

OP I understand your hurt but your marriage was over years ago long before you admitted it/he moved out. That’s probably why he’s found it easier to move on - for the first time in a long time he feels something.
You aren’t together anymore so therefore he’s not doing anything wrong. You can’t dictate who and when he sees someone. You need to try and separate your emotions - I know that’s hard but it’s a must.

MenuPlant · 17/05/2019 12:14

'You wanted a break. It wasn't convenient for him. He agreed to keep trying. He found someone else. Suddenly it was convenient for him. He ended it. Old story.

Sadly, I agree with this. Most men leap from tree to tree, don't they?'

Agree with both these posters.

Generally men seem to really not want to live on their own / be in their own. They only tend to go when the next one is lined up.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 17/05/2019 12:15

Sounds like you’d both moved on from the relationship way before you split.

Sounds like he’s being sensible and not introducing the dc, and he’s actually told you rather than let you find out from someone else.

Yes it’ll hurt, but it’s probably the realisation that he has moved on from you, he wants someone else and not you. That’s always going to smart a bit

ManchesterBorn · 17/05/2019 12:15

He might have met her before, but even so, he still did the decent thing and separated. That would be the right thing to do. You don't know, so no need to assume the worst.

The advice always given if someone in a relationship meets another person is to be honest, make a clean break before moving on. Again, you don't even know if that happened, but what else should he have done? He's not wrong.

It's natural to be sad and upset to see him moving on, but again, that's the right thing to do. He's not selfish, he's not insensitive. Life is too short, why should he not move on? You are allowed to move forward to and you should. You might not be ready to date, it's not a competition and don't see it as one. Make your own life for you, not because of anyone else.

Justaboy · 17/05/2019 12:19

Sad to say but the man will more than likey have another bit on the side or OW to go to. Vary rarely they will go and live by themselves after all its a lot of work!, no one to cook and clean for you, no on tap sex either soz but there;re made that way the ones that stray hey!

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