Recently separated, can't believe DH has a new gf already

[Namechangedjustthistime]

Hi all, I have NCed for this because I am afraid it might be outing, however I am a regular here on the Relationships board. I'd like to get some impartial perspective on my situation, I can't decide if I am being petty or my feelings are somewhat justified.

DH and I decided to separate 4 months ago. It had been a long time coming, the relationship hadn't been good for several years, we had been living like friendly flatmates and had no emotional or physical intimacy. In fact I was the one who brought about the topic of separation a few years ago, then we agreed to try harder and commit to couple counselling. Things improved for a bit, and then they slipped back to the usual situation. We kept plodding along while growing further and further apart. We discussed separation several times over the years, and every time we resolved to give the marriage another go.

Fast forward to last November, seemingly "out of the blue" he brings up the topic of separation again, and tells me he is tired of living a half life and that he thinks we should separate. After a few of months of painful discussions, we agreed to separate. He moved out after two further months, so two months ago. Things between us have been relatively amicable ever since, although it is still painful and awkward of course.

Yesterday he came over to drop off the DC, and he told me he has been seeing someone for a couple of months. No plan to involve DC for the upcoming future, but apparently he really likes her and thinks the relationship could become more serious. Bloody hell!!

I feel really upset and heartbroken. I know we mutually agreed to separate and it was the right thing to do for everyone involved. I know he has not cheated, but he moved out only a couple of months ago ffs.

How could he move on so quickly after 20 years and 3 DC together? The idea that he might have been seeing OW while still living under my same roof sickens me. I don't think he had an affair before we separated, although of course I can't know for sure. I think he is being very selfish in openly pursuing a relationship so quickly after separating. It feels like he is throwing it in my face. I can't even think about dating someone else!!

Do you think it is normal that I feel this way about the situation? Isn't his behaviour really insensitive and selfish? We were a family unit until a couple of months ago ffs!!

Thanks for your comments.

How can you use the phrase “out of the blue”?!
That’s be least out of the blue break up I’ve read on here!

He might have met her before.
That may have been innocent - nothing progressed, but made him realise he definitely wanted out.
Or might have been an affair.

I don’t think it’s helpful to lump all men in together.

Even if it was an affair, given that your relationship was over, I’d try to have my anger and then just let it go. It’s awful to be cheated on, I’m not excusing that. But I don’t think it’s worth your own stress to focus too much on it, you have both wanted out over time.

And of course - it might not be an affair! My XH and I had a similar over-for-years split, and both were on Tinder within a fortnight when it finally happened!

I don’t think your feelings are unusual.

But I do think you should recognise that they’re usual but not really logical. Have a moment... then let it go.

YANBU to feel a bit shocked OP and to need some time to adjust, but he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. It’s human nature to be hurt when someone wants somebody else and not you even when you don’t want them!

Some people are just good at moving on with their lives full throttle after a split, I’m one of them. Once it’s over I’m if the mindset that it’s time to get used to being single and have fun and get back out there so to speak, and in the process you do sometimes end up meeting someone quickly. I don’t pine around for months. I met my OH two or three weeks after splitting up with my ex (his decision but it had to happen) and I was already over it and ready to move on. Doesn’t mean anything about whether he valued your marriage. Just means he’s of the mindset it’s time to focus on his own life and stop looking over his shoulder.

You took eighteen mo the to want to date again and that’s fine, it’s equally fine if he took a week or five years. He either met this woman and did the honourable thing and finally ended your failed marriage to explore things with her, or he split from you and met her quickly. Doesn’t really matter does it. You’re not together anymore and it’s his life. It’s a bit controlling to think you have any say over how someone moves on, a man who complained his ex wife had met someone new would be rightly lambasted. I actually think he’s behaved honourably here in giving you the heads up :)

but he will definitely, definitely have met her and tested the waters...

projecting much?

It's not about you FizzyGreenWater, there's no need to make up scenario about people you don't know and cause pain to the OP because you seem to have issues. It's hurtful as it is, why do you want to add to it when you don't know any of the people involved.

No one has suggested when OP suggested they separate 4 years ago it was because she had another man lined up so it’s a bit daft to assume her ex only did the same last year because he’d liked up yet replacement. Maybe he was sick of the threat of her ditching him at any moment and detached from the marriage and his new relationship is unconnected.

It doesn’t mean she was the OW, my now DH separated in the June, they had been together 9 years, married two. I met him in the August. We got together then.... she was convinced I was the OW and told everyone this as well. But I wasn’t! I had nothing to do with their separation and hadn’t even spoken to him then. We just got on and clicked from the offset when we met.
10 years later we’ve been married for 5 and have our own DC together.
You say you both had checked out of the relationship prior to splitting and it had been a long time coming.... and there was no emotional or Physical side going on and you were like flat mates. Emotionally he probably checked out of the relationship a few years ago... I get why you are upset but if has met someone that it feels right with now and he’s happy then he can’t stop how he feels. Just like you both couldn’t stop the fact that you fell out of love with each other

I'd be very careful here of accusing him of cheating.

I met my now DH, just 8 weeks after my first husband (of 20 yrs) and I separated. My first H got it into his head, that I had left him for DH, which simply wasn't true : I hadn't even met DH (he wasn't a friend for eg).

I'm pretty sure first H has told anyone that'll listen that I cheated and left for OM, and it's a complete fabrication. I think he really believes it too. It's not helpful, especially if you have kids to co-parent.

In any case, you are not together anymore, so it really isn't your business.

Bear in mind also, that this guy hadn't had any sex or affection for (I think) several years....did you really expect him to sit around moping once he was free to date again? That's unfair and unrealistic, imo.

Just a coward. Age old story!

Why is he a coward? The OP didn't want to jump ship either, despite knowing the relationship was dead on its feet. Maybe he met his new GF back in November and it just made him realise things could be different so he finally had the impetus to end his marriage. Hopefully he did the decent thing and ended it before he actually started anything new.

I understand that it hurts OP but I don't think he's doing anything wrong. He hasn't actually moved on quickly because your marriage was over some years ago. I agree with PP - have your moment, then move on from this as much as you can.

Totally normal to feel the way you do. This happened to me - tbh, it still hurts after 2 years even though he's now moved onto his 2nd post marriage relationship. It's hard to grasp that the marriage meant so little to them that they can go from being a family one minute to being with someone else within weeks. It's hurtful, it's disrespectful and as others have said - he most probably at least knew this new person before you split.
I'd spent years trying to get my Ex to admit things weren't right between us - he was happy to keep plodding along. Then suddenly he causes a huge argument - and then blames this argument for his leaving. 3 weeks later he's found somewhere else to live - 2 weeks after that he's spotted hand in hand with another woman.

Seems to be a very common theme sadly. Doesn't make it hurt any less. Easier said than done for you to 'draw a line under him and move on' - you're likely in the same house, looking after the kids - basically living the same life, but without him in it - it's hard, and it hurts.

Look after yourself, give yourself time to grieve - even if it wasn't the perfect marriage, you still need to grieve the life you imagined you'd have together.

Hugs xxx

OP please ignore posters telling you it’s not your business, he’s allowed to move on etc

Of course he is. But you are allowed to feel upset, hurt and angry. It is painful to feel that all that time together can easily be replaced and forgotten about. You are entitled to your pain.

In reality, the marriage was over ages ago.

no emotional or physical intimacy.

You should have both had time to process that it was over.

There's no point in hanging about. Life's too short.

It's hurtful, it's disrespectful

Why?

After a dead marriage...living a sham...why us it disrespectful to move on within 2 months.?

Some women think ignoring the obvious and burying their head in the sand works.

Would anyone want their adult child to be in such a unfulfilling marriage or relationship? Didnt think so.

You may need time to process things, he doesn't. We're all different.

I have in all my 48 years NEVER heard of a man suggesting a separation unless there was already another woman waiting in the wings...

I have

My brother was one of them. Sick of a marriage where he was unhappy.

You've only known men in your 48 years who are too gutless to end a dead marriage.

Xh was with the person he spent the next decade with, six weeks after i left him, much to his distress. It was another three years for me before I met dh.

I don't know why men seem so keen to partner up again so quickly, but many are. Of course it hurts, your marriage has formally ended and you are grieving. Maybe a few counselling sessions if you can afford it? I like telephone counselling for this sort of thing - you just need someone unconnected to help you process it all, perhaps. Try to leave him out of it, it's done now and the split was mutual.

She might not necessarily be the other woman.I got with my now dh 4 months after my separation and he definitely wasnt the other man.

I agree with picsinred tbh .Most men wait until they meet someone else and will then move on quite quickly.Women seem to take a little more time .This actually happened to someone I know ,he couldnt understand why she was upset!.In time you will meet someone else if you want to ,and will know if you are ready.

OP, it is always hard whatever the circumstances.

And I agree, he didn't move in fast, he had a head start.

Which was weasley and not honest, but you are where you are, the marriage wasn't working, so do all you can to look after yourself, grieve for what could have been when you entered the marriage, hold your head high and when you feel ready, look forwards not backwards.

My marriage meant a great deal to me. In fact I spent three or so years trying to make things work. Ultimately though, my efforts failed. Just because I met someone three months after I separated doesn't mean that I hadn't taken my marriage seriously or that it meant nothing to me. It's just that I had had three years to witness the death of my marriage, I happened to meet someone amazing three months after separating, and by that point I felt ready to give it a go. I hope that my ex meets someone amazing and can be happy in a new relationship too.

I agree with those who think it’s unhelpful to refer to the newGF as the OW. There’s nothing to be gained from it, and it can only increase how hurt you feel.

I also don’t see that he’s done anything wrong. He said he’s been seeing her for 2 months, and you split up 4 months ago. Meeting her may have given him the push he needed to move out. And you’d ended the relationship, so he wasn’t doing anything wrong by starting to see someone else, wherever he was living. By that point you’d become awkward housemates with a complicated history.

I totally understand that you’re grieving the end of a relationship. Even a pretty dismal one ending is sad, mostly because it’s the formal demise of what you hoped it might be (rather than what it actually was). You need to process all of this in your own way, OP.

But your ex isn’t necessarily wrong to respond differently to it. Sometimes when the end has been on the cards for a long time, you’ve almost worked through all that end of relationship grief before you both decide to formally call it quits. So the end can feel like a relief or fresh start and one might be ready to move on to another relationship quickly.

And, even if he met this new GF and it helped precipitate the end of your relationship, it’s probably better to see it as a positive. Neither of you were happy and it was at best plodding along with no intimacy (by your own description).

You deserve more than that.

Thank you all for your kind comments.

I understand PPs who say that he technically has done nothing wrong. (I think) he didn’t cheat, and by the time we agreed to separate he was technically single.

However, I would argue that the separation was actually properly complete only when he moved out, as before then we were still living together, albeit not sharing a bed. The way I saw that period was like a transition, I certainly did not think he would go out and start dating someone else while coming back home to me every night!! I know realise he probably saw it differently.

Ultimately I know I will get over this with time, and I’ll be fine. I just don’t understand why he couldn’t have the decency to way a few more months before jumping in bed with someone else. I see it as basic decency and respect for me and the marriage we had. However, I understand my views are not shared by many, so I am probably BU.

I know it’s just a personal anecdote but it might help you to start to reframe how you look at this newGF.

I am pretty certain that my (truly horrible) ex was seeing someone else in the latter stages of our relationship (which was not dissimilar to how you describe yours OP, except with more of my ex being a dick). I didn’t bother finding out for certain because, actually, I realised that it was a chance of escape. I almost hoped I was right (which is weird).

Certainly, it led to him announcing that he was done. I’d tried this months before (and several times over the years) but he refused to accept it. So we stayed in a kind of crappy limbo. So, in lots of ways, this OW (if I was right) kind of did me a favour.

I still had to process things and grieve (for something that never was) but I can definitely say that I’m happy that something finally gave him the push to end it (as apparently me unilaterally declaring it over was insufficient).

He’s not with the possible OW now as far as I know. Presumably she worked out that he’s a nightmare far quicker than I did.

I, on the other hand, took about 5 months and decided to date again. I met someone pretty quickly and he’s totally great for me. I’m sure that my ex is disgusted that I moved on so quickly. But in his case, I’m confident that’s only because he can’t get anyone that really wants him. 😂

I wouldn't assume that she is the OT. But it does sound like the reason he was able to move on with someone else so quickly is because he checked out of the marriage a long long time ago. Now it's your turn to move on.

TheSheepHaveEyes

My question may seem arsey but I find what you said interesting and want to ask:

When you say you tried working on your marriage for 3 years were you the one putting more effort in or was it equal amount of effort trying?

My hypothesis is if you were the one doing most of the sacrificing and effort into keeping things going, and you walk away then it may be easier and quicker to move on.

Whereas if you put in most of the effort to try and make things work and the other person calls time, and moves on quickly you may feel more hurt.

Without meaning to, I think it is nature to process the of the end of a relationship as 'winning' or 'losing' I think a sense of competition or misplaced justice is sort of evolutionary in nature

If the other person moves on first and quickly they are the 'winner' and you the 'loser'

And vice versa.

IME when people are comfortable saying they 'hope the other person is happy, meets someone amazing' etc, they are the person who is the happiest (winning), whereas the party who hasn't yet moved on (losing) finds being it very difficult to wish the same even if logically they do know it would be good for the other person.

I guess I'm asking would you have similarly happy for your ex to find soneone amazing if you had not met someone amazing yourself?

You don't have to answer. But I think you make a good point just trying to process better. And place it my own life I guess

You’ve got to let this go OP.

He no longer has to dance to your tune and has done nothing wrong.

Sorry op but yes you're being unreasonable and acting like a jealous partner.

The relationship has been long over. And when you agreed to separate and moved into separate beds it was over. Of course he is allowe to date and move on with his life. He doesn't have to wait months as some odd " mark of respect".

I think everyone understands on some level why it hurts you, but I think you need to accept that's about you and your own feelings and not that he's done anything selfish or wrong.

I guess I'm asking would you have similarly happy for your ex to find soneone amazing if you had not met someone amazing yourself?

I know you asked someone else (and I technically am the ‘loser’, but it was definitely a lose the battle, win the war situation), but in my case I’d be bloody delighted if my ex found someone. It might give him less time for thinking up petty ways to irritate me (in relation to DS2).

Although I do feel a bit guilty as I wouldn’t wish him on someone amazing. Or anyone really. It’s not a ‘he wasn’t right for me’ situation; he is a damaged and seriously damaging person.

I am enjoying his new midlife crisis wardrobe when he drops DS2 off though. He looks hilarious. Even DS2 has been making jokes about it. Has your ex got one yet, OP?