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Original poster

Recently separated, can't believe DH has a new gf already

102 replies

Namechangedjustthistime · 17/05/2019 11:11

Hi all, I have NCed for this because I am afraid it might be outing, however I am a regular here on the Relationships board. I'd like to get some impartial perspective on my situation, I can't decide if I am being petty or my feelings are somewhat justified.

DH and I decided to separate 4 months ago. It had been a long time coming, the relationship hadn't been good for several years, we had been living like friendly flatmates and had no emotional or physical intimacy. In fact I was the one who brought about the topic of separation a few years ago, then we agreed to try harder and commit to couple counselling. Things improved for a bit, and then they slipped back to the usual situation. We kept plodding along while growing further and further apart. We discussed separation several times over the years, and every time we resolved to give the marriage another go.

Fast forward to last November, seemingly "out of the blue" he brings up the topic of separation again, and tells me he is tired of living a half life and that he thinks we should separate. After a few of months of painful discussions, we agreed to separate. He moved out after two further months, so two months ago. Things between us have been relatively amicable ever since, although it is still painful and awkward of course.

Yesterday he came over to drop off the DC, and he told me he has been seeing someone for a couple of months. No plan to involve DC for the upcoming future, but apparently he really likes her and thinks the relationship could become more serious. Bloody hell!!

I feel really upset and heartbroken. I know we mutually agreed to separate and it was the right thing to do for everyone involved. I know he has not cheated, but he moved out only a couple of months ago ffs.

How could he move on so quickly after 20 years and 3 DC together? The idea that he might have been seeing OW while still living under my same roof sickens me. I don't think he had an affair before we separated, although of course I can't know for sure. I think he is being very selfish in openly pursuing a relationship so quickly after separating. It feels like he is throwing it in my face. I can't even think about dating someone else!!

Do you think it is normal that I feel this way about the situation? Isn't his behaviour really insensitive and selfish? We were a family unit until a couple of months ago ffs!!

Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 17/05/2019 15:44

I feel for you OP as I can see how difficult it must be for you, but I do think you're BU here.

People can't always choose how and when they meet someone they care for - it just happens your OH has met someone shortly after you've separated. Also you said he raised the separation out of the blue - chances are it wasn't out of the blue for him and he'd decided a while before he got the nerve up to propose it to you.

Obviously in an ideal world people would wait a little longer to allow their partner to process and grieve the loss of the relationship, but sadly that doesn't always happen Sad. You never know, it may even be that he's using this relationship to get some comfort in this hard time.

HalfMyLife · 17/05/2019 15:57

I am enjoying his new midlife crisis wardrobe when he drops DS2 off though. He looks hilarious.
@crustaceans - mine has started wearing jeggings, and doing something strange with his hair.....it does make me giggle

Tixytrick · 17/05/2019 16:02

Personally I think your marriage was probably over years ago and he had mentally switched off his emotions. I don’t therefore find this surprising. I think it’s just something you will have to live with

ChiaraRimini · 17/05/2019 16:02

OP men usually don't leave until they have found someone else to go to, as usually they would rather stay in a less then perfect r'ship than be alone.
Sorry but he's probably been on the lookout for a replacement to you for a while and try moment he was sure of her he dropped the bombshell.
On the plus side if he is happy then it will probably make your life easier, in my experience anyway.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 17/05/2019 16:16

Thank you Crustaceans

it was definitely a lose the battle, win the war situation

Yes yes! Best way to be especially if he's a person with issues walking around in denial (refusing to acknowledge or adjust, causing harm by proxy or intention)

Grin at the midlife crisis wardrobe! You could help by making sincere and polite suggestions.....no? Wink

SandyY2K · 17/05/2019 16:26

You've been married 20 years and aren't spring chickens.

I don't know what respect you wanted when you had a sexless and emotionless marriage for so long.

You're acting like you've been blindsided. Reminds me of a woman who refused to have sex with get H and after 11 years he had an affair.... no surprise to me, yet she was raging mad. My only surprise is that he waited that long to cheat or didn't leave sooner.

This wasn't a happy marriage...where he left and got with someone else within days.

Getting with another partner is a confidence booster.

He could have made a profile on a dating site within a week of the separation. You're clinging on to technicalities by talking of transition periods now. It was over and there was no doubt or talk of a reconciliation.

SuePerbly · 17/05/2019 16:40

I think YABU, yes.

My exH and I decided to split one Oct. Our marriage had been much like yours for years. So all my grieving for the marriage ending was done within the marriage.

Ex moved out in the Nov. I started seeing someone in the Jan as did he.

Despite me seeing someone else, it still stung when I saw pics of him with his new lady. But that was MY issue, not his. It was just seeing physical confirmation that he had moved on. Despite that, I am happy he met her. She is fabulous. And ex really gets on with my fella too.

Took our DD time to come to terms with it all. But we have been open and honest with her. She has good relationships with all her "parenting team" as we call us all.

Its natural to feel a bit of a sting. But those feelings don't mean he has done something wrong. Truly.

Bluntness100 · 17/05/2019 16:43

Sensible post from sandy,

It's interesting, it's not the first time I've seen on here a poster try to claim her ex should remain faithful to her after the marriage is over and they have went their separate ways.

SuePerbly · 17/05/2019 16:52

I wanted to add: even if your ex did meet the new lady prior to moving out, would that really have been so unforgivable in the circumstances?

You both knew, deep down, that your marriage was over. Presumably your marriage wasn't horrendous, just "meh". In which case, your kids got both parents in their lives on a daily basis, until your ex called time.

Some people DON'T leave their kids and ex until they meet someone who is worth upsetting the applecart for. It that always such a bad thing?

I am not saying I agree with that approach, but life isn't always black and white.

Ilovecats2 · 17/05/2019 17:00

I was in the same situation as you, separated after 8 years and was shocked when ex had a girlfriend within three months. Having seen the same situation a number of times since with friends and family I think it’s probably quite common. Men generally aren’t good on their own.

Scott72 · 17/05/2019 17:17

"Men don't do well on their own"

And all the woman they are taking up with mustn't do well on their own either. It takes two to tango.

summerbreeze912 · 17/05/2019 17:27

Men don't leave unless there is another woman waiting.

KikiB89 · 17/05/2019 17:28

Had this happen to me too OP and I can understand. It just makes you doubt all the times where things were good and it is a punch in the guts. I was at peace with the breakup until it came out and I was knocked for six. I just reassure myself that I’m not with a pathetic man who can’t survive on his own.

Destinationunknown1 · 17/05/2019 17:37

Sorry but I'm not understanding the logic here. You were both miserable, you tried, realised you had no connection, you decided to end it.
So why are you upset he's happy dating someone?
Unless this woman is abusive what is it your business?

Am I missing something?

If you'd met someone first you'd prob tell him it's none of his business

stucknoue · 17/05/2019 17:42

I'm kind of on the fence. My h wants to split and is sleeping in the spare room, for financial reasons no point in him moving, we get on fine actually - but if someone asked me out, I think I would go! Why shouldn't I ? Obviously it's awkward and for you it seems quick but it was a case that you had been drifting apart for years, as we have.

(I'm now dreaming that an amazing guy asks me out ... fat chance!)

It does sound like it was the catalyst for him moving out but the split had already happen

SunshineCake · 17/05/2019 17:52

But he hasn't moved on in four months. By your own admission it's been over for years so he's been moved on over the years. I'm not saying this to hurt you but in the hope it allows you to think about this differently and let the pain go.

The children shouldn't be meeting her for quite a while. It's all new to them…

Layza86 · 17/05/2019 17:54

I feel the same, I split from my exP about a year ago, but for 9 of those months, he kept me on a string while dating. I loved him so much that when he said jump I'd do it.
About 4 months ago we spoke about giving it another go, but he was talking to a girl, who is now his gf, in a way it felt like he picked her over me - this just might be my emotions getting the better of me.
So he's now been seeing her for 4 months, introduced out 2 boys after 2 months and told me yesterday he wants to take them on holiday with her and her children. I've said it's fine, but it's so hard sometimes, I feel like he rubs it in my face a bit, like picking the boys up and she's in the van too. I know I'd never want him back, as he's called me some horrible names over the years, but it's hard when he's moved on and I'm still stuck.
I know I'm being unreasonable, but I can't wait to I'm over him Sad

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 17/05/2019 17:59

The key is this:

I feel really upset and heartbroken. I know we mutually agreed to separate and it was the right thing to do for everyone involved. I know he has not cheated, but he moved out only a couple of months ago ffs

A person can know logically that things are over and even that it is for the best, but a marriage is huge complex thing and the heart can take ages to catch up. 20 years good or bad is 20 years.

No idea why some posters can't see this. Some of the replies are a bit hard hitting.

There's no 'right way' to emotionally process the ending of a marriage and a partner moving on.

Being a bit more analytical and getting those feelings in context can be help, but the OP is entitled to the feelings themselves.

SuePerbly · 17/05/2019 18:10

Of course the OP is entitled to her feelings. But those feelings don't mean the ex has done anything wrong. That is the difference.

TheSheepHaveEyes · 17/05/2019 18:12

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook your question isn't arsey at all! Happy to answer.

Yes, I was the one who wanted to work on the marriage. I made the sacrifices, made the effort to try and make things work, he was not interested in the slightest. I would describe him as a casual bystander in our marriage - he wasn't bothered about me or us at all. It affected my mental health to the point that I ended up being taken to the GP by a friend, because she knew I was having a breakdown. I ended up on some pretty hefty medication, for a while.

It culminated in me telling him, on our wedding anniversary, that I couldn't send him a card, because I would be lying if I told him I loved him, because after so long trying to make things work, I just didn't. He didn't say a single word. I subsequently found out that he had had some sort of affair a few years earlier (not sure whether emotional or physical), when we were living overseas, so I imagine he checked out of our marriage at that point.

I was the one who called time on it, but given how little he protested it was a mutual thing. We are still friendly, we have kids together and make sure that we do the best that we can for them. I didn't intend to meet anyone at all, and I don't really think in terms of 'winning or losing'. I am happy with my new partner though, and I hope he does find someone who can make him happy, because I don't think I did.

My dad once said to me, that it doesn't matter what you do in this life, as long as you and the people around you are happy. He was talking about jobs at the time, but I think it applies to other areas of life too.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 17/05/2019 18:12

You're right sue I see what you mean.

Herland · 17/05/2019 18:16

Whatever the situation with his new girlfriend is, please don't let it affect your co-parenting relationship.

SandyY2K · 17/05/2019 19:52

Of course the OP is entitled to her feelings. But those feelings don't mean the ex has done anything wrong. That is the difference.

Spot on.

All this talk of disrespect is way off the mark IMO.

If you said, I'm gutted, but I know he's absolutely done nothing wrong that would be different.

Living the kind of marriage you were in, can affect your mental health.

He's taken positive steps to end the farce. I know it's difficult to see your marriage in that way, but it was not a good marriage by your own account.

It sounds like you'd have plodded along like this for many more years.

@summerbreeze912

Men don't leave unless there is another woman waiting.

Because you have first hand knowledge of every man on earth who has left a marriage or relationship.

SignedUpJust4This · 17/05/2019 20:06

Maybe they're not that serious & he's trying to make you jealous.

I think men are just a bit less picky and have more opportunities to date.. A woman on the dating scene has to wade through a barage of weirdo dick pics first and vet the man very carefully to make sure he's not a danger or abusive and is potential step dad material. Men don't have to worry that much about these things.

And I think she was at least waiting in the wings.

Either way you need to move on. Life your own life.

PhillipaLalla · 18/05/2019 09:27

As other PPs said, it sounds like this is your issue, not his. The moment you separated, he became free to go out and pursue another relationship if so he wished. That is not disrespectful to you or anyone else.

Give it some time, you will feel better about it and one day, when you also meet someone, you won't care at all.