Recently separated, can't believe DH has a new gf already

[Namechangedjustthistime]

Hi all, I have NCed for this because I am afraid it might be outing, however I am a regular here on the Relationships board. I'd like to get some impartial perspective on my situation, I can't decide if I am being petty or my feelings are somewhat justified.

DH and I decided to separate 4 months ago. It had been a long time coming, the relationship hadn't been good for several years, we had been living like friendly flatmates and had no emotional or physical intimacy. In fact I was the one who brought about the topic of separation a few years ago, then we agreed to try harder and commit to couple counselling. Things improved for a bit, and then they slipped back to the usual situation. We kept plodding along while growing further and further apart. We discussed separation several times over the years, and every time we resolved to give the marriage another go.

Fast forward to last November, seemingly "out of the blue" he brings up the topic of separation again, and tells me he is tired of living a half life and that he thinks we should separate. After a few of months of painful discussions, we agreed to separate. He moved out after two further months, so two months ago. Things between us have been relatively amicable ever since, although it is still painful and awkward of course.

Yesterday he came over to drop off the DC, and he told me he has been seeing someone for a couple of months. No plan to involve DC for the upcoming future, but apparently he really likes her and thinks the relationship could become more serious. Bloody hell!!

I feel really upset and heartbroken. I know we mutually agreed to separate and it was the right thing to do for everyone involved. I know he has not cheated, but he moved out only a couple of months ago ffs.

How could he move on so quickly after 20 years and 3 DC together? The idea that he might have been seeing OW while still living under my same roof sickens me. I don't think he had an affair before we separated, although of course I can't know for sure. I think he is being very selfish in openly pursuing a relationship so quickly after separating. It feels like he is throwing it in my face. I can't even think about dating someone else!!

Do you think it is normal that I feel this way about the situation? Isn't his behaviour really insensitive and selfish? We were a family unit until a couple of months ago ffs!!

Thanks for your comments.

You wanted a break. It wasn't convenient for him. He agreed to keep trying. He found someone else. Suddenly it was convenient for him. He ended it. Old story.

This.

Generally men seem to really not want to live on their own / be in their own. They only tend to go when the next one is lined up

Yep. No way would he have left before he'd looked after himself.

Someone said something to me the other day that really resonated. "An unhappy marriage can go on for years until someone else appears on the scene."

He may have met her before you separated but he may well not have done. DH and I met three weeks after he and his XW had separated.

You say the relationship hadn’t been good for years and the break up was a long time coming so...... I imagine he checked out of the relationship a long time ago.

Your marriage has been over for a while, long before you split by the sounds of it. He is not yours anymore, his a single man and can do as he wishes.

I don’t think his done anything wrong at all here

sounds really hard! I separated from my husband in jan so I kind of get it. realistically he isn't doing anything wrong even though its hurtful. Its good he told you himself, it would of been worse coming from a mutual friend.
I try to focus on myself and the kids. When stbxh has the kids I keep busy, go out with friends, my mum or go shopping. Try to keep moving forward, focus on yourself! I think the best revenge is just moving on and being happy. I don't think pp are hepful suggesting he may have been cheating with her. Don't start thinking that way because you will drive yourself mad and it makes no difference now anyway.

I don't necessarily think your DH was seeing another woman at all (PicsinRed just sounds bitter and as if she judges all men harshly).

It may be that back in November someone did arouse his interest and he realised the excitement and romance couldn't be recaptured with you. It doesn't mean he cheated though.

I understand that you feel hurt though at how fast he's moved on. I think men are more easily able to do this. I remember finishing with a bf of 2.5 years and was really upset that within a fortnight he was with someone else. I wasn't jealous. I finished it and didn't want him but it still upset me as it felt like it was in indecent haste.

It"s probably much better to lick your wounds and spend time alone though than to rush into new relationships.

hmm, well, it hurts but I guess it shows you made the right decision.

FWIW, I have in all my 48 years NEVER heard of a man suggesting a separation unless there was already another woman waiting in the wings....

have in all my 48 years NEVER heard of a man suggesting a separation unless there was already another woman waiting in the wings....

well, I have - and I have plenty of examples of women suggesting separations because they met someone else, so not sure what your point is.

Even if the ex did meet someone, which none of us can know!, he separated which is the right thing to do.

It might be hurtful, but he's being decent.

I've known women do this too. It's nothing to do with gender.

@Solitude Oddly enough, my experience is the opposite of yours.

Honestly I think this is for the best. You need to move on too.

You don't want him any more but you don't want anyone else to have him ?

Imagine that reversed and you were the one judged for moving on first. He's done you a favour really because now you really can bury this "relationship" that has been dead for some time

Limbo no more. Onwards etc.

@Justaboy Over the years I've known plenty of women who have kicked out their husband to get together with someone else including someone else's husband.

She was the OW and he had checked out of the relationship a long time ago (see the fact he was suddenly the one to initiate a separation)

The difference is that he checked out years ago and you were still trying to make it work/settled for what you had.
No wonder your efforts didn’t work if he wasn’t ‘there’ and hasn’t been for several years.
No wonder he found someone so soon too and doesn’t think it’s a big issue.

Apart from that, he is careful with the dcs which is great and is clearly keen to keep things amicable.

So sorry OP. I would be really very hurt too in that situation But I think you are making a classic mistake of evaluating the value and strength of your marriage and how much it was worth by how quickly your ex has moved on. You are interpreting his seemingly quick ability to move on as him trivialising your marriage and you are internalising that.

After a long relationship we do place some of the responsibility for our self-esteem on the other person. If they reject us it hurts. Even after they leave us, even if we know it was for the best, we still want to feel we and the relationship 'meant a lot' or 'were really important' and not instantly replacable to the other person. If you have kids together you have an extra bond that easily completely broken or ignored that makes it difficult.

What's important now though is how you consider things, not him. Averagely speaking men move on more quickly, especially if regular sex is back on the menu whereas women sit back, mourn and do more self-reflection (and flagellation). So we tend to be to see men move on so quickly. But honestly, you are in the better position to finding love again because you will do the internal work first before attempting to meet Mr Right which is the better way!

I hate to stereotype, but more typically a woman can and will be alone if she strictly has to. Most men however find it harder. So their apparently moving on quickly is more a reflection of their/his weakness in this area than yours. You are the stronger person here. Plus remember, having the DCs more makes it harder for you to immediately move onto a 'trial and error relationship' His has privilege and more autonomy where you do not. Realistically there may be a certain element of petty ego boosting/getting back at you - no one's perfect - but if so that will backfire on him stupendously at some point!

Try not to begrudge him his current state of 'happiness' (I put it in quotes because we do not know exactly what it is yet, you need time). I promise that when you yourself are really happy again you won't give a fig! And let me tell you, (I've learned this from other men in my life) once you move on, even though he has moved on, and is shacked up with someone else, it will still burn him like hell. It's such a double standard! Don't expect him to ever admit though!

Take it as confirmation you were not right for each other and concentrate on doing anything and everything you need to make yourself happy again x

I have no direct experience of this situation but...of friends that have spilt- or of three cases the woman has died- the man seems to move on VERY quickly.
I think some men are programmed to be with someone.

They've been separated a couple of months, he's been seeing her "a couple of months" (but it's already potentially serious). It's an OW.

OP needs to prepare for this possibility, because it would mean he's been planning this split much longer than she has (in hard, practical, terms). Being behind on the planning means she is behind on financially protecting herself.

I can guarantee that he will be waaay ahead on that score. The other issue is that two recently, amicably, and single separated people are more likely to be reasonable in financial negotiations. This man has someone else in his ear now and she isn't going to want to be generous or even terribly reasonable to the OP. She's planning her own mortgage, her own household bills, her own babies. Her own expenses.

Separation negotiations involving an OW can go (financially) south very quickly.

OP, have you got a good solicitor yet?
Try to remain amicable, but just prepare for the worst in the background so that you have the ABILTY to switch gear quickly if you need to.
Good luck.

Men line the next one up first. Once they've lived in a partnership, they are afraid of being alone. They don't tend to jump without somewhere soft to land. Especially the weaker ones.

Put that together with the sadly not-too-uncommon trait of putting themselves firmly before their children, and you get this scenario. Five minutes later, he's in a new 'relationship'.

They just can't manage alone, have no frame of reference for it.

I met my current partner three months after my husband and I separated (20 year relationship, 14 of those married, and two DC). I didn't intend to meet anyone so soon, far from it, but once I had met my new partner I couldn't exactly unmeet him. I wouldn't automatically assume that she was the OW. I think your ex is being respectful in telling you that he has met someone else, it would possibly have been harder had you found out via a third party.

Oh and he may not have been unfaithful but he will definitely, definitely have met her and tested the waters... then 'decided it was no longer working' and bit the bullet once he was at least sure he had something to move on to. So effectively, he checked out a long time ago but had no intention of leaving the nest until a new one was feathered ready for him.

Just a coward. Age old story!

Probably had her in mind when you split even if not seeing her.
He resisted splitting up because he didn’t have any one else lined up. When he did he suggested it.
Men don’t leave for an empty bed. As my old mum would say.

Oh dear, can we just give advice without resorting to cliches and stereotypes. It’s not pleasant to be on the receiving end of it as a woman so why would it be alright to do it to men or “OW”.

OP, it is understandable that you might be emotionally effected by this. On one level it implies that the marriage didn’t mean that much to him, even though you shared your lives for 20 years and had children. Then on another level it might impact on his relationship with the children in a negative way. They too might wonder what the family meant to him.

But as others have said he is trying to handle this properly and that’s a good sign. Take some time to explore what the end of the marriage and the change to the family means for you. There will include grief and regret. He probably feels that too and a relationship is a good distraction. Find your own emotional outlet and distraction which allows you to feel relaxed and secure. Engaging in how he lives his life now is the wrong distraction.

Personally I agree with you it shouldn’t be another relationship, but as some pp said that could just happen. Your aim is to find your own happiness and to acknowledge he must find his happiness. Then your children will be happy too. That’s the most important thing you both can do. Don’t create animosity where none is needed.

He might be making a mistake but you don’t need to own and care about his mistakes any more. Mentally put the issue in a box, wrap it up and throw it away. Make space for your own issues.

Ime men tend to move on fast, especially if they’ve never had to really fend for themselves. My ex dp 4kids, decade together, was with someone else within 6 weeks, moved in with her by four months and married within 18m! Was very cross he involved the kid so quick though as they were meeting up with the kids shortly after they got together.

Time for you to make your new life now, new hairstyle? New look? New hobbies or interests? Draw a line under him and try to move on, as he has.

Well, my DB was married for 6 years, with the woman for 13 years. They were together since late teens. Everyone disliked his wife. She was awful but he loved her. But they stopped sharing a room in their 20's and never seemed all that happy together; lots of bickering and frustration. Their marriage had been dead for a long time but they both ignored it. Then he made a new female friend and realised that he didn't have to ignore it anymore. They announced their divorce (he was very tearful. She was not. He wanted to try counselling. She did not.) A month later, I found him messaging this new friend with the biggest smile I'd seen him wear in years. She lived abroad at the time, but within 3 months of separating from his wife, he officially had a new girlfriend. Within a year, he had proposed, and six months later, they got married. I think he proposed pretty much as soon as his divorce was official.

If you look from the ex wife's PoV, you could say he moved on too quickly. Probably left her for the new wife, and that he may have been having an emotional affair with her. But to us, he changed overnight. Ending a dead marriage was the best thing he ever did, and because it had been such a long time coming, there was no emotional need for him to "get over" it. He is so much happier now. Nicer to be around. His new wife is lovely. Everyone can see they fit so much better. Sometimes timing isn't ideal, but it doesn't make something wrong.