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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

999 replies

DaffoDeffo · 15/05/2019 19:52

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

OP posts:
Sidge · 22/05/2019 15:46

You’re all spot on and echoing what I’m thinking.

I know it’s leaping ahead as it’s early days but I want someone I can go away with for the weekend, plan holidays etc. He likes the idea of those things too but then I know he’d be compromising time with his children, which could either make me feel guilty or him feel resentful. Not good.

@Crustaceans that’s it in a nutshell. I hoped to meet someone more detached, (like Mr Mystery but let’s not go there lol). As it is he is living with his parents, can’t afford his own place yet as he’s paying for everything else and still has one foot at home I think - practically if not emotionally. It’s not a dealbreaker (yet) but would become so if nothing changed. I don’t want to feel second best, to children yes but not to an ex wife.

I think I’ll roll with it and see how it pans out - but I’m getting stronger all the time and will walk away if it’s not right.

JeSuisPrest · 22/05/2019 15:59

@Sidge Can you try and establish what his short, medium and long term plans are with regard to extracting himself from the current situation, whilst being mindful of the fact that he still has small children who he quite rightly wants to maintain a good relationship with? What has to happen in order for him to get his own place? Is he saving whilst he's with parents for a deposit, so you could say in 6 to 12 months time he'll be moved out? Then he'll start divorce proceedings within 12-18 months? Things don't stay as they are forever, but I think in your mind you need to know he is making plans to move things on, rather than just treading water 🤷🏻‍♀️

shitwithsugaron · 22/05/2019 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

supercali77 · 22/05/2019 16:19

@JeSuisPrest @shitwithsugaron you 2 are giving me life with your happy stories.

shitwithsugaron · 22/05/2019 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crustaceans · 22/05/2019 16:51

I think that having the kids 50-50 is a good sign, @shitwithsugaron. It makes all the difference that he has them in his own house though. MrSG has his kids just under 50-50 but he’s going to negotiate up to 50-50 with his ex (because he really misses the kids and wants to have them as much as possible).

But a situation like @Sidge describes sounds much less like yes actually in a sensible situation for moving on and dating. Certainly, it’s a big problem is he’s looking for another relationship.

I wouldn’t be happy with a situation where he’s living with his parents (who want him to get back with his wife) because he’s still paying all the bills for his family, and still visiting all the time. Even a plan like @JeSuisPrest suggests (Is he saving whilst he's with parents for a deposit, so you could say in 6 to 12 months time he'll be moved out? Then he'll start divorce proceedings within 12-18 months?) sounds untenable to me really. Because, apart from anything, that kind of vague aspiration is likely to take considerably longer than he might think. I wouldn’t want to be even starting to try to develop a relationship where, realistically, he isn’t even thinking about starting divorce proceedings for another 18 months (and probably not getting divorced for years yet).

Other people may feel differently, but I really just think it’s better to wait until he’s actually got himself sorted and they are living separate lives.

In fact, I think I’d have been less certain about this before my experience with MrSG. When I met him he was separated by (very uncomfortably) house sharing with his ex. It was all totally above board (in fact, she had an affair and was continuing to see the OM). He’d just started divorce proceedings and the house was up for sale. Tbh, he was pretty naive about how long these things take. I was too, but only because I’ve never been married. His ex eventually moved out and the divorce will be final soon (depending on how long the courts take) but the house is difficult to sell.

Obviously, I think MrSG is totally great (and I wouldn’t want not to have met him) but, in hindsight, it would have been a lot easier if he’d had (or currently had for that matter) his life properly sorted and then I met him. Apart from anything, I wouldn’t get weird looks from some of his neighbours when I visit his, because his ex decided to lie and tell them that they split up because he had an affair with me (she didn’t want to tell the truth because it makes her look bad - I’m 100% certain about what actually happened not least because I’ve seen the new relationship announcement on her FB from long before I met MrSG).

Crustaceans · 22/05/2019 16:53

Enjoy the chips, and everything else 😏, @shitwithsugaron.

Eesha · 22/05/2019 17:28

So he came back to say that he wasn't a big drinker as joked, but enjoyed a drink maybe once a week. Wanted to know what I felt about drinking myself and added his ex was an alcoholic too but sober now. So I think we might end up meeting though hoping it's more than two people moping about ex alchi partners....as that doesn't sound fun....

emski1972 · 22/05/2019 17:28

God can one of you give me a good telling off please! 3 weeks ago I had planned to go out with soon to be divorced bloke that I really liked and had been seeing (but had lots of red flags I chose to ignore..ie middle of divorce number 2/living with parents etc etc) he decided to ignore my "whats the plan for tonight?" and didn't respond until the evening when I told him I was extremely pissed off as I'd organised the kids and this is frankly no way to behave if you dont want to go out etc. His excuse was my mum had a fall and apologised but I knew this was rubbish.
We haven't been in touch for 3 weeks but today and god knows why I decide to say "fancy seeing a gig next weekend? life's too short.
What on earth am I doing? I don't expect a response I look mad but would like to know why I'm messing with my own head....or have I taken Brene Brown and courage a little too seriously? (its a good gig and I have a spare ticket as my pals pulled out but really...)

Sidge · 22/05/2019 18:07

@JeSuisPrest he’s been separated a year and hasn’t made any moves to start divorce proceedings, he’s waiting for the two years separation. He is saving but that’s going to be a long old haul (he’s not a high earner).

I think I’m just really wary, he’s a lovely guy and I really enjoy his company and do fancy him. But (and it’s a big but) I just feel he’s too enmeshed in his “old life”. I admire that he’s such a good involved dad, and that he isn’t slagging his ex off (makes a refreshing change!) but I think it’s not a good long term prospect and I’m looking for a proper relationship.

Ugh it’s just so frustrating. I want the love bug that so many of you have!

So I’m off the smitten bench, off the cougar bench, off the looking bench, off the pick a dick bench. I need a new bench!

Crustaceans · 22/05/2019 18:17

That’s hard because he could actually be a great (very) long term prospect by the sounds of things. But much more of a project than you’d be willing to take on. And a situation that’ll definitely have you frustrated and unhappy frequently before it gets there.

It’s like one of those massive restoration of a listed building things you see on grand designs. It does eventually (after spending 4 times as long, costing twice as much as budgeted and nearly breaking up the couple’s relationship) yield a wonderful ‘forever’ family home.

But, frankly, you’d rather just buy a nice 3 bed semi and have an easy life.

At least you’re not on the pick a dick bench. That’s something. 😂

AsleepAllDay · 22/05/2019 18:19

@emski1972 go to the concert but know that he will probably mess you about again soon. It's a risk you can take but as long as he didn't have a really valid excuse, he's a bit shit

Crustaceans · 22/05/2019 18:21

Yes, if it’s a good gig, then go to the concert @emski1972. Just don’t expect anything useful from the guy.

emski1972 · 22/05/2019 18:27

Crustaceans AsleepAllDay Thanks both. He is a bit of a shit..and I don't even expect a response frankly. I doubt he even has the balls to say thanks but no..I absolutely know I have other people I can take. God knows what possessed me. Its like stoking a fire and any advice I would give a friend would be stay away.. Think its single parent boredom..so I'm trying out Tinder!

Crustaceans · 22/05/2019 18:31

If he doesn’t reply in a timely fashion, just take (anyone) else and tell him you didn’t get a reply so you assumed it was a no.

likeridingabike · 22/05/2019 18:40

I'm going to settle back down on the smitten bench, MrMetal has followed through with his fine words (following the weekend's upset) and has not only told his daughter about me he's told her he wants her to meet me 😲😲 which I didn't expect. He's also discussed me with his ex MIL and referred to me as his girlfriend☺☺ the boy's done well.

Crustaceans · 22/05/2019 18:55

Oh that’s a good update, @likeridingabike. You’re a GF now. 😃

nocountryforoldwomen · 22/05/2019 19:08

emski if you know he's rubbish, text him and say you've found someone else to take the ticket, then delete everything and never go there again. Don't wait for a no or a non-reply.

supercali77 · 22/05/2019 19:16

@emski1972 I agree with nocountry. Take the power back. Delete every trace. Save yourself from yourself

supercali77 · 22/05/2019 19:17

@Notcoolmum coming from someone who ignored a lot of problems I can only say the further in you get the harder it bites when it's over....but I totally understand why you're sticking. It's hard to leave a hot bath, even if it cant last

Notcoolmum · 22/05/2019 19:29

I know supercali. I have been here before :(
I just don't know if I want to give up the cosy nights in, lovely nights out, great sex and feeling I have someone in my corner who helps me emotionally and practically... al of this is what I'm looking for. And yet there is something missing in terms of commitment and definition for want of a better word. 🤔

supercali77 · 22/05/2019 19:58

@Notcoolmum is it something you've asked for? Definition?

Sunshineandflipflops · 22/05/2019 20:32

@Notcoolmum This is what made it so hard calling it a day with MrSAS. He was lovely to me when I was with him, we had some great nights out and in, nice things planned in the diary and GREAT sex but ultimately I know I wouldn’t be able to get over him seeing/chatting to other women. I want all of him or none of him. It’s shit.

AsleepAllDay · 22/05/2019 20:43

The problem @Notcoolmum is that you may enjoy those things while you have them but a sense of insecurity will keep you always afraid that it will end. And given that he is... maybe showing some unreliability, it's even more likely. More a when and not if

I know what you mean though. Since my last relationship I've not had that lovely mix of cosy nights, sex with someone you fancy the pants off and feeling giddy and happy together and I miss it! I'm sure we all do

lifegoes · 22/05/2019 20:58

I do agree with others @Notcoolmum you keep coming back to the same problem. This isn't the first time you've felt like this. You are describing THINGS you like and not him. Things that you can get from other men. Only you know the answer, but maybe have some time apart for him to see what he actually wants. 😘

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