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Original poster

Husband's affair

333 replies

Norabloom · 10/05/2019 14:26

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

OP posts:
friendsfan · 14/05/2019 22:54

A little bit of cancer?!!!

Take him for every penny OP.

rosabug · 14/05/2019 23:16

I think when you have an affair, even if all is saved, a seed is sown and the other will likely seek revenge, or power equality at some stage. So there is something, not 'right', but something in his argument. However he's maxing it out from guilt and laziness and he did not HAVE to tell you - he wanted too - why??? Not nice.

Also - not being supportive of you when you were ill??? He's dissociated from empathy for you - again why?

I would give her a piece of my mind - interacting with you on FB??? What? - there seems a lot of normalising of quite powerful things here. Don't let her do it. Make her suffer. My partner had a 4 year affair - the only reason I didn't tell her husband was because my partner bullied me out of it and the husband and affair partner had young children and i knew he would suffer terribly if the marriage ended - because of the kids. But if there were no kids involved? Looking back I would have told all. Why the hell do you have to hold their secrets?

Hidingtonothing · 15/05/2019 11:57

A 'little bit' of cancer!!!! Well he's patently only a 'little bit' mentally ill/having a breakdown then isn't he so no need for you to feel guilty about kicking him out or exposing him for the lying, disrespectful cheat he is! But you're right, all in good time and in the best way for you, use that anger constructively Flowers

Original poster
Norabloom · 15/05/2019 15:16

Thank you for your replies. DH now saying he will do anything he can to sort this out - whatever that means. I can’t imagine what he can do but it will be interesting to see. I don’t feel like telling her DH atm if at all. However I am very glad I sent OW that awful message which must have shocked her. It certainly stopped her taking a job with my husband and she’s now deleted her Instagram account entirely which I think is the only way she can make my message totally disappear. She can live now with the fear that I could expose her at any time. Deleting my message doesn’t mean all this didn’t happen.We have lots of mutual friends and acquaintances and she will have to carry on lying to them as well as her husband.
My DH can deal with his mental health any way he likes as long as it doesn’t involve me. I really can’t forgive him.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/05/2019 16:55

You sound so much stronger now OP Flowers

Original poster
Norabloom · 15/05/2019 17:26

Yes Beef Stew it’s weird. I feel ok today - well obvs thinking about DH and OW all the time and moments of feeling sorry for myself - but better than a few days ago. I’m just so glad I sent OW that message and I did that thanks to the people on here. When it all first happens to you it’s such a horrible shock that you really don’t know what to do and you are scared of making it in some way worse.
Also the feeling of uncertainty is awful.
Taking control is the best thing and I don’t care it has sparked his mental health crisis.
He doesn’t deserve any happiness.

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 15/05/2019 23:05

I’d be making sure her husband was informed too..... Grin

SandyY2K · 15/05/2019 23:49

Whilst I'd feel too betrayed to want anything like reconciliation...if he's saying *he'll do anything to sort it ...I'd suggest he be truthful and join www.survivinginfidelity.com and seek support by posting in the wayward forum.

He will get fair, straight up advice from others who have cheated.

When I think of him telling you about the affair...I do wonder what he thought would happen.

It ended because she couldn't take it anymore.

Your cancer didnt stop him.

He wanted to see her face to face to end it properly.

Everything seems to scream out that his feelings for her are very strong... if its not love.

You messaging her has ended ant any possible chance they could hook up again... he's not happy about it.

Original poster
Norabloom · 16/05/2019 10:42

Yes Sandy I can see all that. He says they actually mutually decided to stop it and he should never have told me about it, but he was in a terrible mental state about everything (not just affair) and told me in moment of weakness. Apparently in their final meeting she asked if they could still be friends and if she could still work for him and he agreed. They would then go away and not tell anyone anything and all would be fine.
I know all this might be total BS.
I’ve asked him several times why he told me and he said “I was in a nervous state and you asked me” actually what happened is that he started crying and thrashing about and I said what what on earth is wrong with you? And he said “I’ve done something terrible and I can’t tell you about it” and I asked are you ill?(no) is it money ?(no) is it another woman? (yes) is it OW? And then whole story comes out.
If he loves her maybe I shouldn’t have messaged her and let them get back together? But fuck them actually.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 16/05/2019 11:58

If he loves her he should have had the fucking balls to do the decent thing and end his relationship with you. He wanted his cake and eat it and now it's biting him on the arse, his problem not yours. Don't waste any more emotional energy on him (or her), they made this mess and they will have to live with the consequences. You need every bit of your headspace for yourself right now (because of what he/they did I might add) so whatever he is going through doesn't need to be your concern, it's your turn to be selfish now while you figure out where you want your life to go next. Stay strong, concentrate on you and don't let him make you feel responsible for him, you're not anymore Flowers

Original poster
Norabloom · 16/05/2019 12:12

I actually think that the whole ‘shagging while wife has cancer thing’ is so shameful that they could never go public with their love for each other without looking like total scumbags - so that’s a real problem for them if they want a future together as they both like to think of themselves as nice people. I would rather not have been able to play the cancer card of course!
I am still astounded actually that this has happened. Everyone thinks she’s such a kind sweet woman and he’s a straight up family man. Only 6 days ago she was liking photos of my son and my new shoes on Instagram and only 2 weeks ago I was planning a trip to france with DH and his cousin.
Prob not healthy but I’m now hoping he’s pining for her and she’s worrying that I’ve spilled the beans every time her DH phone rings.

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 16/05/2019 12:37

I think you've been more patient and forgiving than me. I'd probably start calling the DH for chats to stress her and your DH out.

I hope you get everything in order soon and then hit him with the divorce papers and really screw him over.

SandyY2K · 16/05/2019 23:51

I know all this might be total BS

I think it is tbh. It's quite common to feel the loss of the AP and pine...which he was doing. He was devastated at the thought of losing her.

If she didn't call time on it...how long would it have gone on?

Ppl can be very low. I spoke to a woman whose H had an affair while they were going through IVF and also women who were pregnant.
Not an illness like cancer, but despicable behaviour.

Lozzerbmc · 17/05/2019 00:37

I dont think there is any going back after what he has done. It seems all about HIM. To be having an affair whilst your wife is coping with cancer treatment and doing the deed at your home is so low. Can you live at the other house? Have you got good friends to help you? Make sure you get all you should Flowers

RiversDisguise · 17/05/2019 01:55

He would not have done what he did had he loved you.

He is saying this stuff now because he fears exposure.

Horrible, cruel, cowardly.

Original poster
Norabloom · 17/05/2019 04:26

I can’t face going back to house where he was carrying on. I said to him that it feels tainted and I can’t get over the fact she’s been in my bed, the shower, probably looked at my books, my make up. He said this is crazy and no one would think about it like this. They are just things.
I told him any woman would think like this. It’s a total violation of my privacy.
He wants me to ‘move on’ emotionally so we can mend our marriage.
Seems to require a lot of effort from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Norabloom · 17/05/2019 04:30

He’s also saying he’s amazed I’ve reacted like this as he thought I didn’t like him. That’s really weird. We hardly ever had a cross word before all thi. Yes sometimes I’m tired after work and I have bad days but I’ve never said I don’t like him!

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 17/05/2019 04:36

He's rewriting history to blame you

TryingToCope101 · 17/05/2019 06:55

He’s just trying to justify his behaviour and put his actions on you because of how you made him feel. My H said similar to me- had an affair because he thought I didn’t love him any more. We had got back from an anniversary weekend away 2 weeks earlier and were making plans for this year too. I told him I loved him often. There was no reason for him to think that except that I was giving him nowhere near the attention that the OW was (obviously). It’s another pathetic way of trying to justify things.

aweedropofsancerre · 17/05/2019 08:06

So he has an affair and ‘he’ has decided that you need to move on from your feelings to mend your marriage? Does this man recognise that it’s not his decision to make, its as if he is disconnected from what ‘he’ has done and focusing on you. It sounds like he doesn’t like you.............hope you find strength to move on in a healthy way for yourself OP.....

Whoops75 · 17/05/2019 08:23

Don’t listen to him, he is trying to preserve his character not his marriage.
The longer you do this dance with him the more the split will look mutual.
You are being played op
Finish it now before his bullshit works.

Upzadaizy · 17/05/2019 09:25

He said this is crazy and no one would think about it like this

He's the crazy one if he really thinks that. Most people would feel the way you do. Your bed one of the most intimate spaces in our houses ...

Urgh you are well rid, really.

SandyY2K · 17/05/2019 13:50

If he had half a brain, he'd get rid of the bed immediately.

I said the same to a man who cheated and he responded, that there was no point in doing so if his wife wasn't coming back.

I explained that you do it, because you are remorseful and not with an expectation of reconciliation.

EKGEMS · 17/05/2019 15:15

He is minimizing and gaslighting you and dismissing your feelings-wth would you tolerate a cheating scum like him?

IKnowYouAndYouCannotSing · 17/05/2019 15:26

I would think like that. That would hurt more than the sex in a way. As others have said, you’re well shot. He’s not a nice person.