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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband's affair

333 replies

Norabloom · 10/05/2019 14:26

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

OP posts:

WhoKnewBeefStew · 17/05/2019 16:42

I would think like that... it’s almost like when someone breaks into your house. Your sanctuary is tainted, your bed soiled and everything about the house, certainly to me, would never be as it once was

Zakana · 17/05/2019 18:02

OP you have been so incredibly brave, compared to me, and he’s still gaslighting, even now, exactly what my useless lump of lard did to me. Hugs xx

Original poster

Norabloom · 17/05/2019 18:35

Thanks @zakana. I don’t feel very brave though. I just feel angry sad and depressed. Now hes Saying he wanted to tell me about affair right at the beginning but she said to keep secret. What did you want me to do I said. I don’t know he replied I only know I didn’t want to lie to you (!!). Right!
I wish I could feel better about this. Physically I’m a wreck. I can’t sleep. I can hardly be bothered to change my clothes. I need to get a grip.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 17/05/2019 18:39

Saying he wanted to tell me about affair right at the beginning

If he's telling the truth here, then it sounds like he wanted the marriage over and her being married is the main obstacle.

I really can't imagine what he truly wanted you to say.

Original poster

Norabloom · 17/05/2019 19:03

Yes Sandy I had worked that out. It’s depressing me though thinking he wanted to leave me. Or maybe he wanted me to accept he had girlfriend. I don’t fucking know.

OP posts:

VaselineHero · 17/05/2019 19:17

Poor lamb is still playing the victim them 🤮

Zakana · 17/05/2019 20:15

You are incredibly brave and it is perfectly ok to feel angry and depressed, he has burst your bubble, rose tinted specs smashed and stamped on and has been pushed off that pedestal you had him on for years, at least that’s how I felt. Mine just wanted to have his cake and eat it, he wanted me and any one of his various bits of fluff, never wanted to leave. I think it would have been easier if he had just left. Be proud of what you have achieved, and take each day one day at a time xxx

Hidingtonothing · 17/05/2019 20:52

You sound like you really need some space from him OP, a few days (at least) without him dripping his emotionally manipulative bullshit in your ear would really help you 'get a grip' as you put it. Any way you can make that happen? Time to concentrate on yourself and what you need now, get away from his drama for a while

Original poster

Norabloom · 17/05/2019 23:18

So this evening I have been told “tell your fucking friends then and if you are lucky they’ll be sympathetic to you for a month”. Apparently he knows exactly how I feel because I did it to him 25 years ago and he had to deal with it all on his own, unlike me who has him trying to “help” me through it. Lot of crap about how smiley and friendly and kind OW has been. Also that he had affair because a) I didn’t like him and b) he thought I was having an affair. Ha fucking ha. I give up now. I’ve just said ok you are now putting all this down to me. I can’t talk to you about this. And I’m not going to talk about any of it anymore. He can fuck right off.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 17/05/2019 23:58

I think that's absolutely the right decision OP, he's messing with your head. I stand by what I said, you need some space away from him, however you can make that happen.

Upzadaizy · 18/05/2019 08:40

Physically I’m a wreck. I can’t sleep. I can hardly be bothered to change my clothes. I need to get a grip

Give yourself a break - you’re in mourning. A counsellor once said to me that it’s a form of “reactive depression“ and absolutely natural and normal. You’re grieving a person you once knew who is now so completely changed as to be unrecognisable. As if they’ve died - except they’re still around and acting in quite an abusive way.

If a friend of yours was going through this, would you tell her to get a grip? Be your own best friend.

mollysshadow · 18/05/2019 09:10

Tell everyone- you will get lots of support. And take a break from him and his emotional abuse.

supersop60 · 18/05/2019 09:14

Yes to this ^. tell whoever you need to tell. People will be very supportive. You don't have to keep HIS secret.
My God - it's still all about him, isn't it? Poor love ......

Original poster

Norabloom · 18/05/2019 15:57

Now he’s decided it was me he wanted all the time. Lot of staring at me sadly and asking for ‘hugs’. Why are men so bloody pathetic?
If my sons were doing this I would tell them off. DH now worried I will leave him. As if I wouldn’t. But when and if I go I am taking everything that’s owing to me. I’m not leaving any London property or money for the delight of OW. She can earn her own.
I’m going to take my money and live happily in my own little house. Maybe OW can support him like I did, but I guess she’ll find out soon enough what all that entails.

OP posts:

Original poster

Norabloom · 18/05/2019 15:57

OP posts:

cooldarkroom · 18/05/2019 16:31

The only reason he is not still continuing his affair is because OW backed down.
You affair was completely different you owned it, you told him, you split up.
He has NOT owned his affair, it was all behind your back & in your bed
Now he is conjuring any kind of bullshit to put you back in your place
Hand wringing like Gollum. He is a piece of scum.
How dare he say you only had a little bit of cancer, How about he only had a little bit of cancer in his scrotum ? Nothing to make a fuss over?
I absolutely would not live with him another day (apart from if getting all the finances sewn up first is beneficial) I would tell everyone who wanted to hear why you are divorcing, he was shagging OW in my bed when I was getting treatment for cancer
I would either leave her terrified of outing her to her DH, or most probably would go & knock on her door one day & tell her either she tells her husband or I would.
They may end up together after that.. But as you say, having been party to the end of your marriage, she would also be responsible to the end of her own.

supersop60 · 18/05/2019 16:34

Oh - you said the IF word.

Original poster

Norabloom · 18/05/2019 17:01

Yeah the if word because nothing is 100% sure. But I won’t stay with this. The lucky thing for me is that we have 2 houses and I have my own well paid job and so I am not as vulnerable as I could be.
OW is not going to have the lifestyle I had with DH because I will have half of everything he’s got.
Still emotionally fucked up but an hour with the financial advisor and my old friend and I feel so much better.
My mother told me about 40 years ago to never share a bank account with a man. And I never have thank god.
Sad it’s come to this but determined not to come out of it worse than him. OW can see how attractive he is when he’s lost half of his wealth.
Am actually astounded he can go from ‘I think I am in love with OW’ to ‘I love you will do anything to keep you’ within the space of about a week.

OP posts:

springydaff · 18/05/2019 17:01

God, this is such a fucking headfuck isn't it?

I seriously think the rage and indignation from this will power you into a glorious future free of any 'debris'.

May you reign victorious 🌸 👑

mollysshadow · 18/05/2019 17:04

Sorry if I've missed this but does her dh know yet ?

Original poster

Norabloom · 18/05/2019 17:05

Yes daffy it is the biggest headfuck. Honestly if you met him you would think what a lovely kind sweet man.
I think he might have gone a bit bonkers.

OP posts:

Original poster

Norabloom · 18/05/2019 17:08

Her DH only knows if she’s told him! Now beginning to think not telling her DH is dignified and gives me moral high ground.
I told my DH yesterday ‘I decide day to day if I’ll tell her DH. If you see her you can let her know that I’m unstable and could tell at any time - or not’
I am massive bitch!

OP posts:

mollysshadow · 18/05/2019 17:10

I'd tell him

Original poster

Norabloom · 18/05/2019 17:12

Oh yeah - and he’s just actually said he wants to give a load of money to a cancer charity. I guess that’s supposed to make me say oh ok then all forgotten what do u want for dinner!

OP posts:

springydaff · 18/05/2019 18:03

As you say, he's gone a bit bonkers. It's an insult.

But don't put him off - as a bc survivor myself I wouldn't stand on the way of a guilt donation. Make him triple it.

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