Husband's affair

[Norabloom]

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

Sorry seem to have missed a chunk.

It has been hell for awhile . I was tormenting myself with the decision to make him leave or stay. And then so upset that at this stage in my life his shitty behaviour forces me to deal with this.
But in all of this , my DH is so remorseful and despises himself. Your DH saying that you are crazy , etc. is nasty. He should be on his knees begging forgiveness. Instead he is using your anger as an excuse to be defensive . What does he say he wants ? Separate or work on marriage?
We discussed separating like you to a different house . But the reality of that made me realise that it would be the death knell of any chance of reconciling.

So , I have made the decision that Yes, I am going to stay in the marriage and TOGETHER work on healing. Unfortunately , we both realise that it is I who have to overcome the hurt. Hard , but the alternative is to live in constant bitterness and reproach which achieves nothing . Facts can't change .
Your DH from what you say does not sound sorry for the hurt he and OW have caused to their spouses. Does he say he is ? Do you think OW is ?
Maybe being apart might make you realise that you actually don't want to be married to him anymore. Hope that making a decision either way brings you peace of mind.

Op your selfish unfaithful callous shit of a husband is STILL calling all the shots, telling you when you can tell her dh and how angry it will make ow's dh if you do. Don't discuss anything with him, don't engage, don't see him while you sort out what YOU want now. You need space from this manipulative man, not to give him a weekly slot to further mess with your head.

Your husband doesn't love you or even care about you. Please accept this, as harsh as it sounds, once you accept this you will be able to protect yourself from him. He is definitely not your friend.

Fecksake - you are a brave woman you really are. I wish you all the luck and all the best.
My DH says he just wants us to separate until we are calm enough to discuss the affair etc and the way forward in our marriage without ending up in screaming rows. Then he thinks we’ll eventually get over all this and all will be well.
When I ask if he’s really sorry he just says of course he is but I am just asking him the same things over and over. How many times does he have to say he’s sorry, that he made a mistake etc. He has promised to sort himself out with therapy, never have any contact with OW again, stop being a workaholic, make time for holidays. I don’t know if this is enough for me though. I need time to get my head straight.

He has promised to sort himself out with therapy, never have any contact with OW again,

if he does these ACTIONS then maybe you have a chance.

My EXH went to therapy for such time until he got told: this has nothing to do with your wife or your marriage, it has to do with your mother and the way you think. (they left the entitled bit out)

Then he didn't want to go to therapy quite so much.

You know Nora, the fact that you had an affair, kind of gives him a bit of rope. You now know just how much it flipping hurts. Devastating doesn't begin to cover it. And time doesn't resolve those things, only resolving them does.

So funnily enough I do think that you owe it to each other to try and sort this stuff out before you split. There is a lot of ambivalence and push pull that needs to be understood. Maybe you had the affair because he never gave you attention? Maybe he is a workaholic because that keeps him apart? Affairs are a way men get distance, also part of this closeness apart push pull.

Once you explore with a therapist or maybe your own therapist why you relate in such a way, you can either accept it or find it unacceptable.

I would definitely try Couples Counselling. We did an 8 week intensive course that we paid for. It was a great place for each of us to talk without the shouting. And she also guided both of us to ask the right questions .

Don't think I am brave really. Brave would be to ignore the money issue and just fuck off by myself. But my options are limited at my age. And for my own sake, I would rather not live with anger and bitterness for the rest of my life. I have had some close friends and relatives die recently and it does make me realise the important things.
You and your DH obviously recovered from your affair 25 years ago - was life OK after that? Would you then say that it IS possible to stay married in relative happiness.,?
Wishing you all the best .And remeber , you no longer have cancer , so you are a Survivor!

Yes Feckssake it is definitely possible to get over an affair and live in relative happiness. I lived for over 20 years in happiness and so did my DH - even he admits that. There is a reason why the errant partner doesn’t leave you. I don’t believe it’s because the OW or OM dumps them. I think there is a strong bond between the married couple and although they (straying partner) have stretched it they feel they haven’t broken it.
I know after my affair I realised I was desperate to stay with my DH. I was always so grateful he took me back and I would never have cheated on him or left him again. If your DH is truly sorry I am sure it will be oh for you in the end although it might take a couple of years before the OW diminishes.
For me, the whole cancer thing makes me unlikely to really forgive my DH although I’m willing to go for counselling.

There is a reason why the errant partner doesn’t leave you. I don’t believe it’s because the OW or OM dumps them. I think there is a strong bond between the married couple and although they (straying partner) have stretched it they feel they haven’t broken it.

You can't generalise, sometimes the bond with the OW/OM is so strong that the OW/OM dumping the married person is the very reason they DO leave.

Yes, I can see the fact that you were going through cancer treatment and your DH decides to desecrate your home is a deal breaker.
Like you , I just can't comprehend how OW and DH could do such a thing - in your bed! Do these people have NO boundaries?
Truly , I don't know how these people ever get to sleep at night.

Yes he changed the mattress all the bedding and all the towels at some expense but I still don’t feel like going there.
He refuses to smash up the wall she built in the garden. To be honest I think he’s probably got to sell that house but he won’t do that yet. I can’t bear the thought of her sitting eating at my table and sleeping in my bed while I was getting my breasts irradiated. Truly - what kind of woman could do that?
I’m not defending him. I think he’s even worse than her.

Hating to sound like a pessimist but are you sure the OW's dh knows? If I read correctly then your dh knew you were going to tell him. What was stopping him warning her so she could intercept your email? It would certainly explain why he was still posting happy holiday pics. If I were you I would email again and see if you get response but don't tell your dh you're doing it.

Nora, what is stopping you from ending this relationship? He's not truly remorseful is he? If you ended the relationship you could beginto heal.

I’m sure the OW DH knows. He’s posted some pretty weird holiday selfies today where he’s looking very grim and they all have bitter captions. I’m sorry for him tbh. I wish I hadn’t been the one to tell him but equally it was v unfair that she was ducking out of it all. I also found out she’s been earning a lot of money from my DH company - thousands of pounds. Plus bonuses for “hard work”. She expected to carry on doing that.

I don’t know why I haven’t ended the relationship. I’m not ready to I suppose. I said I’d try counselling first. To be honest I haven’t a clue what I’m doing really.

I agree with you. Take your time and do whatever you decide when you are ready.
I had to make sure I did not make any decision or say anything I couldnt take back while I was in an emotional state.
And it took quite a while before I felt rational enough.
And OW 's DH is not your concern or your problem. It is hers.

You made a big mistake telling him you were going to email her DH.

The only way he's posting happy pics after finding out his wife had an affair, is because he doesn't know.

She's intercepted the email...or there's a slight chance he already knows

Feckssake how long did it take you to feel a bit more rational? I’m all over the place. One day I want to divorce him and the next day I’m not sure. I think I can have a calm conversation with him but it always ends with me screaming angry. I felt better when I told her DH in fact i still feel better - but there’s no peace. There’s no removing what’s happened and I can’t adopt an attitude to it which would make it easier to bear.

Just saw your update about the new photos... sounds like he knows now.

He’s not posting happy pics he’s posting anguished pics. If he already knew so what? I don’t believe he did or maybe he’d heard a very sanitised version. The point is not whether he knows. The point was me telling him - for my sake.
No one has intercepted his email and my DH is not in contact with OW. He’s angry with her actually for dumping him running off and hiding away from all the flak.

My point was that by giving him notice you were going to tell him, he could have warned the OW and she intercepted his mail, preventing him from finding out... which many OW have done before.

I was responding to you saying you'd emailed him and he was posting happy pics, which didn't make sense if you'd just been told your wife had an affair.

You seem very sure he's not in contact with her...but considering he had an affair for months, when you were seriously ill and is mostly at the other house...I'm surprised you'd take his word on this as gospel.

Norabloom how did you pluck up the courage to tell her partner?
I've thought about the same thing for an absolute age after my wife's affair. We are now divorcing.
I think he is due to marry his girlfriend shortly as well

Well Yellowshirt I just saw that she was arranging trips to Europe and to Glastonbury and it suddenly felt too much to keep their horrible secret. I thought her husband and everyone else should know. I decided, waited 24 hours and then just did it.
Having said all that - I am also in a terrible emotional state so not really much in control of what I’m doing!
I am sorry your marriage has ended. Don’t worry that you didn’t tell your wife’s lover - karma will get him!

• @Norabloom* I am six months into the whole mess here. And even today I was crying. I think I meant rational enough to stop from making some big dramatic gesture , like binning his clothes or taking the car and driving off somewhere. Been counselling , reached an OK place, then having to tell some people made me realise how shit he was and back to square one. So then the anger and sadness again. It really is a horrible time in my life and sometimes I feel almost like giving up on everything. But as you are aware , being long term married means there are other factors to consider. And other people. So , right now , I am trying to focus on forgiveness . Not for his sake but for my own. But again , I reserve the right to change again. My biggest struggle is my own strongly held convictions. I feel like if I let him stay , I am a "loser ". And that he somehow needs to be " punished" or there is no repercussions for him. Very skewed thinking and hard to overcome. But I have committed to myself to at least try. Fuck these men for bringing this chaos I to our lives.

OP, I understand your anger at the OW, but it’s displaced.

In addition to the couples therapy, I suggest you seek therapy on your own. Whether or not you stay with your husband, you deserve happiness that is now being blocked by betrayal.

@winterlife I am having therapy and it is helpful. I’m afraid I will always be angry with the OW though. She was a friend and she decided it was ok to stay in my house and shag my husband while I was being treated for breast cancer. After she dumped him she thought she could carry on being employed by him and get a generous salary from our family business. In my opinion she is a despicable person. That doesn’t mean I am blaming her and not him. I am even more upset with him.