Husband's affair

[Norabloom]

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

This has just got so much worse. I offered to try and rebuild the relationship with him and he said ok but he had to take it really slowly and it will be a long time. Meanwhile we have to lived apart except for when he decides to visit me.
He says he needs time away from both me and OW to clear his head. I am in despair. How can I get strong enough to get over this?

You need to take back control, he's still calling the shots.

Do I take back control by leaving him? I wanted to try and mend my marriage or tell him to go and leave me alone but I just feel so weak and rubbish.

Your marriage is beyond repair at this point op. You will NEVER be able to move on with him because you'll always have the horrible things he's said and done at the back of your head and he will always have the excuse that you cheated too.

You need to call it a day, give up trying to fix something that is causing you more pain by doing so.

Do you want to reconcile? Think about this really really honestly. You don’t have to say here.

Don’t wind yourself up by imagining life on your own. Women are socialised to think we are nothing without a partner. It’s total total bullshit.

Think about whether you want to continue in the relationship as it is at the moment. Does his presence make you happy? Does he care for you? Is he kind? Does he have your back?

Try to block out his pleas. And his promises.

Are you in the family home? Tell him he can’t come over as he pleases, without checking with you. If he persists, do not engage. Walk away. Ignore him. Do not talk to him. Don’t engage in his emotional blackmail.

Tell him you’re applying for divorce. That’s the way to deal with it.

A sharp cutting off will be painful. But would it be any more painful than the way you’re living and feeling now?

And honestly life will be better.

I guess this is why it takes so long to come to terms with things. I too am alternating between working on the marriage and telling him to go fuck himself. One minute I dream of being financially independent and telling him to go . And then I think of all the fallout that involves and I am a bit scared of being a bitter old bag.
All the advice about forgiveness, moving on , new marriage , etc seems impossible when I still obsess about the details.
And then I hate him for bringing this shit into my life and forcing me to deal with it.

So norabloom , why don't you come to Dublin on Sunday for Bloomsday ?!

What you're feeling now is probably what you're husband felt when you cheated on him and left him for another man!

If your affair partner was in a relationship also then this is how his partner would have felt.

Horrible isn't it.

Thanks for that Myheart. I guess I deserve it all then and the last 25 years of our relationship when we recommitted to each other and remarried etc was just a waste of time. He wasn’t forced to remarry me you know and make a new relationship with me.

Yes for Feckssake that’s it exactly. I hate that I have got all the grief and angst dumped on me by him as well as all the stuff about his fragile mental state etc. It feels like I’m bearing all someone else’s woes (someone I don’t like). And the constant changing between stay in the marriage and divorce is exhausting. It’s a hard decision when you’ve been with someone so long and also when you thought your life was pretty OK. On the other hand I can’t forget all the hideous details of his shenanigans.
I’ll have to let you celebrate Bloomsday for me this year. Maybe by next Bloomsday we will both be happy.

No he wasn't forced to be with you but he was forced to deal with your affair.

And now it's your turn.

He's doing a real number on you OP. He's rewriting history, putting blame on you, making you doubt yourself, being vile and then when you do offer to mend the relationship he knocks you back and says he needs time.

He's a manipulative dick. You need to draw a line under this and kick him out for good. So what that you had an affair 25 years ago. He has no right to still hold that over you as he chose to forgive and start afresh.

His affair is bad enough but his vile behaviour since would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

Oh and tell her husband. Tell everyone!

And the constant changing between stay in the marriage and divorce is exhausting

You can cut that off by making a decision - I've found in life that the person who says "No" has a lot of power.

Even if you think you might like to try to reconcile, say "No" to him and tell him you don't want to see him again. Say "No, I don't want to hear that" when he starts whining & manipulating you.

Give yourself a bit of space. And see if he's ready to fight for the marriage. Why should it have to be you who does all the hard work?

I think that it is possible to Get Over an affair, It's all very unsavoury,but it can be done.

When you think about all the people everywhere,who have affairs,it's shocking, but these things happen all the time. I think that sometimes.these things can be worked out,with rational talking and strength of character.

By the way, I landscaped a handsome mans garden once,whilst his wife was on holiday, it wasn't me who did your garden though !!

You must be completely devastated. What a truly despicable thing to do. I don't think I'd ever be able to get past this if it happened to me. I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I really hope you can come through this xxx

myheart A bit nasty , no? Not very supportive .And what happened 25 years ago , does not give her DH a justifiable cause to do this.

God I’ve just had a completely mad episode where I got a train to London intending to go and see what he is actually doing, decided i was being ridiculous and just came back on the next train without going home at all. I have to put s stop to all this before I do actually go mad.

It is OK to be s bit irrational. Everything is chaotic and nothing make sense.

You are still being dominated by him.

Can you do some meditation or something to give yourself some quiet space to reflect on how you want to live the next 35 years of your life?

In the current circumstances?

Free of the current circumstances?

With the assumption that he’s not going to change.

What can you do to take control of your life?

I have told her husband now. I emailed him. I feel 100% better.

Good for you nora

I'm pleased you told him and feel better for it. It's so hard trying to move in from an affair, be kind to yourself and I promise it gets better with time. You're doing so well

Glad you’re feeling better Nora. Sometimes, taking action- any action - really does make you feel far better.

Yes DH tried to persuade me not to do it “for your own sake” but I’m afraid hearing that she was planning a jolly trip to Glastonbury and is at this moment on holiday with her husband was the last straw.
She is having an excellent time while all this crap is going on here - and I’m supposed to just grin and bear it “so you can be the bigger person Nora”

Good, I hope her holiday is ruined, especially as she won't be able to just leave and will have to answer her husbands questions.

Yesssss! Well done Nora!