Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair

333 replies

Norabloom · 10/05/2019 14:26

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Norabloom · 18/06/2019 08:32

I just couldn’t stand having to stand aside and watch quietly while DH tells people we are just not getting along and she continues her life completely unscathed and even enjoys herself.
I know people have been telling me to take control and tell her husband for weeks - and without Mumsnet I would probably not have had the balls to confront her at the beginning - but I just wasn’t able to until now. I think you have to either get stronger or more desperate whichever.
It was the utter unfairness of keeping their secret which was destroying me. It feels better now it’s exposed.
Now I have to work out how to live.

OP posts:
Forgotmycoat · 18/06/2019 17:27

I'm glad you told her husband Nora. She made an absolute fool of him, it's not like it was a drunken mistake, the affair went on for ages. She shouldn't get to piss off into the sunset with hubby dearest. He should know what a fraud his wife is.
I hope you're feeling better. How are things with your husband? I don't believe he deserves your support after his colossal betrayal especially at a time you needed him the most. He is unbelievably selfish.

Mary1935 · 18/06/2019 20:18

Hi OP you need a long break away from him so you have space to think clearly without him coming back and addling your mind.
He’s doing a number on you. Your affair was totally different. You asked him to go - yes he was devastated but he choose to get back with you.
He’s using it all to blame you. He wants you to shut the fuck up and be a good little wife.
Have a long break, no contact at all so you can think and make your choice.
You take care.

Original poster
Norabloom · 18/06/2019 21:38

I think her husband must have read my email but he’s now posting pics from their holiday as if nothing’s wrong. FFS! Maybe he doesn’t care about what she’s done.
My DH just saying he made big mistake and everything will be ok when we’ve had a few weeks break. Keeps trying to make me sleep with him as if all ok.
God what a mess.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 18/06/2019 22:25

Nora, did you tell your H that you were emailing OW’s H? Could he have warned her so that she could intercept/delete your message? I know that sounds far-fetched, but I know of a case in which this occurred.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/06/2019 23:01
Flowers
Lotsalotsagiggles · 18/06/2019 23:05

Keep strong

I wander if the husband will reply ?!

Original poster
Norabloom · 19/06/2019 06:22

I did tell DH I was emailing her DH. He says he hasn’t been in contact with OW since she dumped him. I don’t know who or what to believe. DH says I have to forget about her and just move forward. He also said her DH will be furious with me as telling him is such a shitty thing to do.

OP posts:
Bungalowblues · 19/06/2019 06:38

He also said her DH will be furious with me as telling him is such a shitty thing to do.

Sorry OP but your husband sounds extremely manipulative. He is always trying to turn it back on you isn't he. Telling him wasnt a shitty thing to do, having the affair was a shitty thing to. Having sex with her in your bed was a shitty thing to do.

Telling her husband was the right thing to do. Now he gets to make choices about his own life without being lied to and manipulated by others. What he does next is up to him but your husband and his wife don't get to keep the poor guy in the dark anymore.

You have 100% done the right thing. Your husband is 100% wrong. Don't forget his agenda in this.

justthecat · 19/06/2019 06:39

Yes move forward - without him.
You’ll never trust him again 💐

Original poster
Norabloom · 19/06/2019 06:44

My DH says that OW had probably already told her husband and so my email would just look vengeful and interfering. He said her DH now posting more holiday pics is way of telling me to eff off.

OP posts:
Ferfeckssake · 19/06/2019 06:46

It is easy for him to say to just forget about her and move on. Wish it were that simple. This is the consequence he has to deal with - So angry on your behalf. What did these guys think is going to happen when they are caught out ? Just say " Oops sorry " and life continues on as before ?
And the person OW 's DH is going to be furious with is not you. He will also be hurt and upset. And she will have to deal with that.
What a mess these two selfish , lying cheaters created . Sad

Ferfeckssake · 19/06/2019 06:51

So now your DH can also predict what other people think and feel ? Tell him to STFU before he makes himself look even worse.

Original poster
Norabloom · 19/06/2019 07:20

I got really angry with him even though we were supposed to be in our weekly ‘calm conversation’ slot. I slapped him. All very mature and before you all start telling me off for dv it was sheer frustration with him. He had asked me to wait 24 hours to tell her DH as it would give him a chance to tell the people he (and she) works with what’s been going on. Turns out he hasn’t done that at all. He’s decided he doesn’t need to confess to anyone as it’s his business .

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 19/06/2019 07:22

I think you need to detach from your H. He is incredibly manipulative. The comments about the cancer are unforgivable.

You need to stop engaging with him and work out your own head.

Original poster
Norabloom · 19/06/2019 07:24

He really wants me to get over this and move on and he says I’m crazy and need medical help. He says OW relationship with her husband is their business. Sure it is I replied but she kind of involved me in her life when she decided it was ok to take over mine for a while.

OP posts:
Ferfeckssake · 19/06/2019 07:26

I too , slapped DH during our talks. Not great , but in the balance of doing wrong to the other , it is on the lesser scale. Apologise for it - and quote " DH , just move on now "Shock
And tell him that he does not have the ultimate control of how and when you decide to tell people if you want to.

Bungalowblues · 19/06/2019 07:32

'well he would say that, wouldn't he'

You've got to decide what you want moving forward. You can't stay in a situation where he keeps lying and you hit him. It's not a healthy dynamic all round.

Original poster
Norabloom · 19/06/2019 07:35

From today on I’m going to try really hard to just get on with my new life. I’ll see him once a week for a couple of hours. I’ve told the OW and her DH so that’s all sorted. I’m going to try to completely disengage from DH and just see what happens.
Are u ok Forfeckssake? Is it getting any easier?

OP posts:
Takeitonthechin · 19/06/2019 07:54

The way I see it is, you have two options, either put up, shut up and get on with your life OR. Go tell her husband and let the shit hit the fan because by the sounds of it, it's going to eat you up if you don't release this. So you had an affair 20 years ago, it doesn't give him the right to have one back. I'd go and tell her husband, I'd also let his work know( if they didn't know already). Revenge isn't sweet but why should you carry this to yourself. I'd then go and see a solicitor and start the ball rolling for divorce. Life is too short to be worrying what that ball bag is up to every time he walks out the door.

LizzieSiddal · 19/06/2019 08:10

Why are you seeing him for 2 hours a week? Honestly it’s doing you no good at the moment, it just gives him another chance to upset you again.

Have a complete break from him for a few weeks and see how you feel. You need to look after yourself and stop allowing him to say such disgraceful things to you.

Original poster
Norabloom · 19/06/2019 08:18

The 2 hours a week was suggested by the therapist

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 19/06/2019 08:30

But what is the point of it, If he’s continuing to upset you so much?

You need to protect yourself. And it will allow you to clear your thoughts.

justthecat · 19/06/2019 09:15

You’re giving him 2 hours a week to mess with your head

Wallywobbles · 19/06/2019 09:28

Just so we are clear on this he is an absolute cunt. So is she.

Personally I'd (like you to) put it on Facebook. When you feel strong enough, months away if needs be feel, free to tell her husband. You can do it at any point. That's your bomb to drop.

In the meantime counseling for you, lawyer up, work out what's going to help you heal and go for it. H doesn't need to know anything frankly.

I will just say that you'll find that this leaves a bad taste for a long time to come.