Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LEAVING sulking H

951 replies

jamaisjedors · 08/05/2019 21:56

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight. Sad

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 13/05/2019 20:45

@jamaisjedors

Bloody hell what a horrid time for you.

Stop and breathe for a minute, focus on your breathing to centre yourself and calm some of the panicky adrenaline.

I've had exes try to scare me into thinking they've harmed themselves. One refused to answer my calls so I (as he wanted) travelled two hours in a complete state to check on him, convinced he had attempted suicide.

He was out with mates, finally answered, put me on loudspeaker and told me to stop embarrassing myself by "turning up" at his place "without being invited". I sounded mental because I was in floods, relieved he was ok and angry he'd manipulated me all at the same time. Wanker.

I wish in hindsight I had sent a message saying that if I didn't hear back by x time I'd report him as missing - then follow through. Maybe you could do this?

Poor you Thanks

kbPOW · 13/05/2019 20:46

Try really hard not to jump to conclusions. I would be very wary of any 'breakdown'. He's panicking because you can see right through him and he's upping the ante.

longtimelurkerhelen · 13/05/2019 20:49

Is there anyway you could get in contact with his psychologist to see if he went today?

In the meantime, I think you should call the police as do as Fairenuff said.

Flowers
Mix56 · 13/05/2019 20:55

How late is he? 3 hours?

Mix56 · 13/05/2019 20:56

Honestly the police will say its not enough to worry them.

cstaff · 13/05/2019 21:00

Jamais, call the police. They will then have a record of his crazy carry on. The chances are he is trying to get some power back and scare the crap out of you in the meantime. You poor thing. I can't imagine what this is doing to you. Also get yourself and the kids out of the house as soon as and well away from him. Flowers

Haffdonga · 13/05/2019 21:01

Waiting with you Jamais

He is probably trying to scare you but it is frightening. Does he have family he might have gone to? Friends? I'd start doing a ring round and if all is well it will help you to break the news to wider circles. If he is not ok then you need to be alerting these people anyway.
Flowers

Quartz2208 · 13/05/2019 21:02

Police is the only way - they can help and if he is doing it to scare you have it on record

Mix56 · 13/05/2019 21:05

Jamais is not dealing with the UK police system. It is unlikely they will help until tomorrow.

Innasnailshell · 13/05/2019 21:09

It's normal to be scared in a situation like this.

It's quite common for manipulative men like him to up the ante once their routines no longer work as well because you have become much more skilled at seeing through them.

It's less likely but it might be that he has done something stupid. If he has it's not your fault at all.

All will be revealed when the time is right so for now try and focus on continuing to provide the nurturing you and your DC need in difficult situations and to keep the calm as much as possible. If he's just playing another game he is less likely to try it again if he doesn't succeed in creating any drama.

Fairenuff · 13/05/2019 21:10

It doesn't matter if the police don't help, it will put it on record and send a message to him that fake behaviour won't be pandered to. So when he rocks up all sullen and unapologetic, he can deal directly with them, not OP. It removes her from his games.

Quartz2208 · 13/05/2019 21:16

agree fairenuff its about getting this on record so when it escalates it down already

Haffdonga · 13/05/2019 21:17

Can you check the joint bank account to see if he's spent any money on a hotel?

And call a friend for some support for you.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 13/05/2019 21:30

I've called the police. They didn't take me seriously at the start but when I explained more they took down his details and his car registration and his number.

I called a mutual long standing friend and he is calling him.

I have texted his boss (who I know) to find out if he was at work today.

Amazingly his psychologist had her mobile on the internet (this seems unreal to me) but I texted her and she says she saw him this morning. She said to call the police.

He normally gets back at 5pm or6 pm latest, it's now 10.30pm.

And he wasn't at a meeting he was supposed to be at at 5.30pm.

I can't do anything now apart from wait.

Two friends have offered to come over but I'd rather wait now, I don't think this a wind up because it is out of character totally but you never know.

I will check the bank account if I still have access.

OP posts:
Innasnailshell · 13/05/2019 21:35

What a worry jamais.

Mix56 · 13/05/2019 21:36

Oh Jamais, Living this must be a nightmare, have the boys gone to bed ?
What if you all 3 went to stay with one of these friends? As you say, theres nothing more you can do. I think waiting at home is more frightening

TurquoiseLagoon · 13/05/2019 21:45

Jamais I know this is all so worrying for you but for your own safety you should have another adult or two there with you for when your DH comes home. He's acting out if character so he might be a danger to you when he gets in

Lisette1940 · 13/05/2019 21:46

sorry you've been put through this Jamais

LizzieSiddal · 13/05/2019 21:46

Jamais, please take up the offer of a friend coming round. You really shouldn't be on your own.

RandomMess · 13/05/2019 21:48
Thanks

His selfishness knows no bounds

Thanks
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 13/05/2019 21:50

He can't get in, he's left his key.

The police have located his phone in the city near where we live (and where we work).

Best case scenario is that he is in a hotel there.

I have friends on call but don't want anyone right now and don't want to wake up the DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 13/05/2019 21:53

Stepping away from the thread now, please don't worry, I will update in the morning or if I get any news in the night.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 13/05/2019 21:54

Well if he can't get in, he can call you, or sleep in his car. That is actually the least of your problems. But I can see as the boys are asleep you are trying not to freak them out

RandomMess · 13/05/2019 21:56

Thinking of you Thanks

Fairenuff · 13/05/2019 21:56

Well done on calling the police. Try to get some sleep, there's nothing more you can do tonight.

Swipe left for the next trending thread