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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LEAVING sulking H

951 replies

jamaisjedors · 08/05/2019 21:56

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight. Sad

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 13/05/2019 22:01

The police got back to you. Very good. It's highly likely he is in a hotel.

The fact he went to his psychologist's appointment is a good sign. It's not the actions of someone who has lost control of themselves. The fact he left his key behind where you could see it before his appointment shows this is a thought-through plan designed to scare you.

Now try to sleep. You will need your strength whatever happens next and nothing will happen tonight.

BackwardsGoing · 13/05/2019 22:01

I really do think he's trying to manipulate you. It's such a common tactic. Don't give him the attention. Do you have someone IRL you can call?

woolduvet · 13/05/2019 22:05

There aren't the words, remember this is all his responsibility for not dealing with issues. You are within your rights to end a relationship. Thinking of you.

Daftapath · 13/05/2019 22:08

So sorry that you are going through this Jamais.

Could he have taken a spare key? Bit worried that he is game playing and may plan to have left his key to make you think that he can't get back in and then for him to come in without you knowing later. Please double lock your door tonight and any other door that he might have a key for. He may even have had another key cut.

I do hope that it does turn out he is game playing. I know from experience that my stbxh will stoop extremely low and so things that a couple of years ago I never thought he would

user1494670108 · 13/05/2019 22:10

Just remember Jamais that none of this is your fault- you have done nothing wrong and nothing to deserve this

ThatCurlyGirl · 13/05/2019 22:15

Hope you manage to get some sleep overnight and please feel free (but not pressured) to update tomorrow Thanks

Dullardmullard · 13/05/2019 22:33

So he went the other way. I’ll vanish so she’ll worry about me.

Can you rack your brain to see if he has done this in the past because I’ll bet he has. Made you worry and he comes back all breezy

Disengage as much as you can, this is on him not you. He’s choosing to do this.

Stay strong

justilou1 · 13/05/2019 22:46

It does sound rather manipulative, but it’s not unheard of for men to go to hotel rooms and do stupid things that will hurt families for the rest of their lives. This has happened on MN before, where a long-standing post with a lot of followers had a shocking ending. I hope he’s just being s knob.

ThatCurlyGirl · 13/05/2019 23:01

It does sound rather manipulative, but it’s not unheard of for men to go to hotel rooms and do stupid things that will hurt families for the rest of their lives. This has happened on MN before, where a long-standing post with a lot of followers had a shocking ending. I hope he’s just being s knob.

Totally agree but this is why police involvement is important.

He's doing it as a scare tactic to pressure you and the threat of police involvement to help him could be enough to put these tactics out of business as well as reaffirming he isn't someone OP wants to be with.

Or its genuine in which case intervention is needed and OP hasn't got the experience the emergency services.

So either way I think it would be a good idea.

PlinkPlink · 13/05/2019 23:17

Thinking of you OP. I know you've stepped away until tomorrow but just in case you flick on...

It's very difficult to just cut off years of caring for someone, especially in what seems like a worrisome time. Rest assured that caring for his wellbeing doesn't mean you have feelings left for him. It just means you care about him on a basic human level. It also shows you care greatly about your DC and their welfare.

Hoping it's all good news and you can relax asap x

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 13/05/2019 23:44

Flowers and thinking of you

newroundhere · 14/05/2019 00:02

Offering Flowers and a hand hold jamais. Hope you get some news soon.

Clutterbugsmum · 14/05/2019 05:59

I hope you got some rest last night, Jamais.

Please remember whatever happens it is all his choice. And if he does turn up please protect your DC from him, he is no where stable enough to left with the children.

Wallywobbles · 14/05/2019 07:16

Gosh jamais. Has he turned up for work. Hope the school run is going ok.

My ex got the most amazing hives at this point.

Lots of suicidal talks after the divorce. Unfortunately for him the friend he used to call died aged 47 about 6 years ago. We are NC so no real idea how he is.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/05/2019 07:25

I manage to sleep for abot four hours.

H's car is at the station local to us, he will have taken the train to work yesterday.

His boss just called, he didn't see him yesterday but was in his office all day. He's going to ask around to see if anyone's seen him.

The DC are at school but finishing early.

I've said I'll pick them up whenever they need.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/05/2019 07:26

The DC don't know, they think H left early to go to a meeting (which he should be at).

OP posts:
Lisette1940 · 14/05/2019 07:33

Try to eat something this morning Jamais. I know you've had very little sleep. Try to keep hydrated.

justilou1 · 14/05/2019 07:38

Please know that you can’t live like this, Jamais. In the unlikely event that he has harmed himself, you are not any more responsible for his choices than you are for his unwillingness to hear you when you told him how unhappy you were. I do suspect he’s being a shit and trying to scare you and guilt-trip you into a grand apology. If this is the case, please just leave. If not, big hugs, Jamais. X

Mix56 · 14/05/2019 08:02

Oh jamais, unspeakably furious on your behalf
If he goes to work as usual this shows how intentional & planned the build up was, the "Peace" comments, the shrine, the wierd clothing, the key, the no response to phone.
I wonder if there are any pills, toothbrush, clothes, passport missing ?
Did he use the joint bank account?
I really think it is the ultimate abusers behaviour. The ultimate punishment, whether hoax or not, & proves a million % how manipulating he has been, & this is how he chose to dominate this cherished wife. If he is currently having croissant & coffee thinking he can always pull the nervous breakdown card,

He will soon discover that there is no forgiveness for pulling s stunt like this.
Courage

LizzieSiddal · 14/05/2019 08:31

Jamais please get someone to come and be with you. Whatever happens you shouldn’t be on your own x

justilou1 · 14/05/2019 08:37

I agree. Can you get a friend to be with you? Stop you pacing like a caged bear? Someone to vent to? I bet you’ve been protecting him all this time.

Butterymuffin · 14/05/2019 09:05

Thinking of you Jamais. I've read your other threads and you've definitely done the right thing no matter what. Flowers

aweedropofsancerre · 14/05/2019 09:10

My only advice is that you go somewhere else with your DC. You have no idea where he is and his mental state yesterday was worrying. I would make sure you and the DC are safe. Have you contacted the school to ensure he can’t turn up and take them?

NettleTea · 14/05/2019 09:18

My suspicions are that he has set it up to frighten you, and has then gone to a hotel and turned his phone off.

But as others say, none of this is your fault. You were clear to him back in January. You set your cards on the tables and havent changed then since then.

NettleTea · 14/05/2019 09:20

can you go to the new house now? Can you move things to keep yourself safe until you know what is happening because after this I would be really worried about being in the same house as him, of leaving the boys with him, when he sees that even this tactic hasnt worked.