LEAVING sulking H

[jamaisjedors]

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight.

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

Your psychologist sounds really sensible. Good luck

Hope you get some answers tomorrow. We will be thinking of you.

Good luck.

.

Good luck

Good Luck, get in Alicia mode

Good luck!

Good luck, Alicia! Am thinking of you today!!! Dying to hear how it goes!!! Sending you strength from Australia!!!

Good luck! More positive thoughts from Aus!

So, not a full update now because I'm on my phone and very drained but basically the psychiatrist wanted to hear my side of things because he didn't understand why we were separating and H said he didn't know why....

So I explained some of the behaviour and the efforts I made to save our marriage and that we went to counselling for 6 months - H had told him none of this.

I also explained the things that were worrying me, the tape (psych thinks H's explanation is totally justified!), the bible stuff (H had not explained this), everything H told me about his psychotic episode (psych didn't have this either).

The Dr said there was no problem with H seeing the dc, in his current state (ie as he is now, at the clinic, while taking his meds).

But he also said that there was a high risk of a 2nd episode if H stops taking his meds... I explained that this has already happened.

The dr says H will be out of the clinic by 26th July because that's when he is off on holiday.

He will see H again on 26th August to see if he is able to start work again.

The psych thought that putting tape over a phone because he thinks people are spying is justified??? 😳😳

What H means though is "I just cannot believe she has left me when I am so wonderful"

And he will be out of hospital because the doctor is going on holiday....? There’s a good reason. Not because he’s safe or ready, or anything....

Jamais - it's easy to consider this a negative meeting especially if you had justified hopes in gaining more from it and being able to move forward into a more peaceful situation however it sounds like it was very much needed and that you were able to add in some vital information.

Give yourself a hug and a gentle pat on the back for thinking it all through, for working out your best strategy, for managing to keep to your path even in the presence of H and with the psych there as well as doing everything that has been on your shoulders all the way up to now.

You did really well. It's been a difficult time. Bravo Alicia.

Wishing you time to rest, to put it to one side as much as possible and to enjoy the what is.

Also valuable info to take straight to your solicitor for regarding custody... especially the very high likelihood of H going off his meds and complete omission of rather pertinent facts.

*And refusal to accept/believe you are divorcing him ASAP.
Or his responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage.

You are right, it's not negative, it's more than I hoped for in terms of giving information about H's general behaviour and also about all of the commission with his psychiatrist.

Several times I asked H "don't you remember what happened...?" And he said no, only to pick up the conversation later confirming what I said was true.

I did stay pretty calm (not quite Alicia) and sympathetic and H got quite petty and virulent.

The Dr said that H's work load had certainly contributed to his breakdown but h said he had always managed all that before and that it was because I was toxic and had sent him over the edge.

also about all of the commission with his psychiatrist

Sorry ommissions

Well played, Alicia.... Well played!!! Now again for your shrinks!!!
🥂🍾🌟🍾🥂

Just shows how fundamentally "flawed" his thinking/belief/sense of self importance is!

Well played. I think it's great you were calmly able to fill in the gaps. H can stop playing the wronged martyr.
But even if he didn't understand, having a complete breakdown isn't a standard reaction. (maintaining he doesn't know why you're leaving is obviously denial)
Doctor now sees you are not a vile harridan & has had the relevant background, & can work with that.
H will play the wronged victim... no doubt about it.

Fingers crossed this will help H move forward, because as I suspected, the Dr had no knowledge of the content of H's psychotic episode until I told him what he had explained to me in the waiting room at the hospital.

H had not explained this to any of the doctors so it was not on record.

Of course he didn't, he doesn't want the truth about his mental health to be leaked. Same with his abusive behaviour. Its denial 100%

Well done, that must have been draining for you. It's good his doctor now has a fuller picture or as everyone else knows it, the truth.

From the sound of it, he made out it was all you and he had no part to play in the separation. Hopefully his doctor will now be able to help him make peace with the new situation.

How did his doctor think the tape on the phone was reasonable?