LEAVING sulking H

[jamaisjedors]

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight.

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

You may well not be allowed to see his psych team because he has expressed a wish that you should not have any involvement and he has the capacity to decide this (and they would obviously not be able to share his personal information anyway).

BUT there is nothing stopping you writing an email expressing your concerns about his behaviour and giving some of the history that he wont be telling them.

I'd strongly express your concern about him having unaccompanied access to the dcs giving clear basis for your concerns.

e.g. Not just I'm worried he wouldn't look after them properly but I'm worried he would not look after them properly because on (date, month, context) he has done X,Y,Z when they were in his care. or he has expressed an intention to do X,Y,Z to me/ the dcs when they next are in his care

The docs wont be able to feedback to you but it may well sway their judgement about his safety.

Will his medical notes from where he is now not go with him surely??

Hi Jamais. Additionally can his old psych team give input based on recent meetings with you/H?

I know a young (major) girl who has been in mental care recently, big physchosis.. her family have been to see the doctors / team involved...
They didn't get told anything specificly Indisclosable. But they were able to give details of situations & insisted on internment. As she was a danger to herself/others
So Try

"Non disclosable" .. what is that word ?

H's sister says she will back me up, she went through similar with an ex and knows the fear of losing your kids to someone who might be determined to make YOU out as the sick one - from way upthread- could his sister get in touch with the new clinic and give them some info?

"Non disclosable" .. what is that word ?

Confidential.

Of course ! Drew a blank !

Keep in mind Jamais that he is in a psychiatric clinic, having been transferred from a psychiatric hospital after being diagnosed as paranoid, and is being treated by people used to dealing with patients in denial about why they are there, who blame everyone but themselves for the situation.

Wow, you have come a long way. Well done💐

At this point he is their patient and it is their job to assess him and it is not unusual to want this to be without input from anyone else as it is all noted down in his notes

Also I suspect he has now got a diagnosis on file (which could very well be confidential) and they are concerned with treating him now and not diagnosing. The hoops he will have to go through are vigorous and they are experienced enough to see through

Dear Jamais,
You are doing great and are so strong.
I was reading how coercive control is now going to be considered abuse also in court.

There was this sad story in the papers how this woman had been psychologically abused all her life and gaslighted by her husband and in the end she lost her mind and killed him.

Truely atrocious but it shows how silent abuse is still abuse and UK courts are starting to recognise it as such

Very upsetting reading, so maybe dont read it tonight if you are feeling low
X x 💐

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2018/sep/29/devoted-wife-who-killed-husband-with-hammer-sally-challen?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Memo

I live in a different country completely, but one with a (historically) UK-based legal system have been the victim of a family member with a diagnosed personality disorder. I found that his diagnosis afforded him legal protection when his victims (in this case -me, 5ft1 and (then) 52kgs and our 96 year old grandmother - vs him - 6ft3, 130kgs of aggression, screaming, holding knives against our throats, stealing money, etc.... The police wouldn’t even come to the house.

What? Is this your Father? Grandfather?

@justilou1 so sorry to hear that. Maybe we'd be better off without a diagnosis!!!

Everything ok here, the DC spent part of the day with their dad (and our friend).

I set up my new radio and had a little weep listening to the playlist that some of you lovely MNers helped me create back in December/January - a lot of the lyrics really resonated.

Then I had a chat with a good friend on the phone and managed a 30 minute snooze before the DC got back.

RE : H, yes apparantly when he was transferred to the clinic he was asked for contact details for people he trusts... he said noone!!!

Which is why they were so cagey on the phone to me at the clinic.

Our mutual friend who is being so amazing got really cross with H about this when he admitted it. He took time off from work because he was concerned about H when the clinic wouldn't tell him anything on the phone and dashed up there to see if he was ok.

Apparantly our 2 friends who have been faithfully visiting were a bit at the end of their tether with H last night because he told them he didn't trust them and also told them to leave their phones elsewhere or whisper because they were being spyed on...

I really hope he has a good psychiatrist because I'm pretty sure he can hide all this from them, even if his notes are transferred.

My lawyer had been talking about a psychiatric report on H for court, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't involve confidential notes etc. and consists of a couple of half-hour interviews which wouldn't show much for H.

@ CyclingMumKingston (hi!!!) I read that story on Facebook last night actually, there is so much of it about it.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I was in an abusive relationship (H being sick doesn't change that) and probably had "Stockholm syndrome" too because even now I worry about H and want the best for him and sometimes even miss him

But I am in no way wavering over my decision, I just know I will need a long time (at least a year or more) to get over this and get into a healthy mindset about relationships in general.

I did the freedom programme online but it's more a case of learning not to jump through hoops just because H says so.

For example he asked (through friend) for me to go and get his post which I had already and dropped off the previous day. I was about to reorganise my schedule to do it, when our friend said, "no, wait until it's convenient for you, you don't have to do what he says all the time". It's so ingrained that it will take a long time for me to stop it, even at a distance.

OP you're doing amazingly well. I'm sending you all love and strength. As you say, focus on the future, which will be so much brighter.

Ironically I expect you are relieved that the friends are now experiencing the reality.
The clinic will realise that the people who have been liaising are now seen as the enemy or at very least untrustworthy.

I would try & see the doctor..

Well it appears that he’s transferring his abusive behaviours to the friends who have been supporting him, and his paranoia is also obvious to all.... I can’t see his diagnosis changing in a hurry, and the courts could subpoena information required pertaining to the safety of your kids, I’m certain.

His behaviour with your lovely friends sounds like textbook paranoid schizophrenia behavior.

Hopefully the new clinic will have the notes from the first place.

Really hope you get a court date soon.

It sounds like he’s losing his grip more than ever. He doesn’t have you to blame for everything anymore so it’s creeping into his other relationships now. I’d be very surprised I’d he can hide that completely from trained professionals.

Hope your dc enjoyed their visit and that he was able to behave around them.

Interesting to see who he turns the abuse on now you have gone.

I was on one of your previous threads and just found this one. No advice to offer, just want to say that WOW, I am so impressed with you and your strength.

As far as the feeling of jumping when he says how high, that will fade. I've been in that position and that feeling need to fades after time. For me it was a specific incident of self-awareness, for others it's a gradual 'growing away'. But it will happen. Chin up, eyes forward!

If the lawyer advises getting a psychiatric report I'd be inclined to follow that advice.

You still think of him as some kind of (evil) genius. He's not. I doubt he will fool them all like you think. You've been used to lying to yourself that he's always right. Other people are not so trained.

The whole being in a psychiatric hospital is a pretty strong indication that he's severely mentally ill.

A psychiatric report won't say "Mr Jamais is in perfect mental health apart from being a bit sad because Mrs Jamais is awful."

Psychiatrists will have seen a hundred people like him.

Yes I agree I think you see him as being so good he can pull the wool over people eyes but not only is it starting to fall in his friends but there are professionals the signs are easy to see such as:

when he arrived and he was asked who he trusted he said no one. Since then the clinic have had his wife and 2 friends all ask and check up and make sure he is ok. That there is a classic pointer for paranoia - he believes there is no one but there is clear proof that he does

And get a report - 2 1/2 hour interviews can reveal a whole lot about a person if you know what you are looking for! If your lawyer can recommend a really good one it will be fine